THE PERIL

"Difficulty through adversity" 

[theperil]

MIDDLE CLASS MAN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT DISHWASHER

An altercation has taken place in a Melbourne CBD office after a senior web developer learned that his employers no longer utilised a dishwasher. The man reportedly proffered his cup while approaching a female receptionist, asking “what do we do with our dirty dishes?” The man, who lives by himself in Melbourne’s bay area, reportedly broke down in tears, dropping his mug on the floor. The mug, a high quality Royal Doulton make, did not smash. Police reports state that the man writhed on the floor sobbing over and over again “but what if I don’t like doing dishes?”. The report also detailed that the man attempted to kick a female colleague in the shin and bared his teeth every time his colleagues began to extol the benefits of sinks and sponges.

The company stated that although the absence of a dishwasher can be distressing, particularly for middle-class, middle-aged males, it stands by its decision. The company CEO Mr Bains said, “we are a small office and see no need to install a dishwasher at this stage. As an equal opportunity company we do accommodate for various disabilities; however as a dislike for washing dishes is not listed as a disability by the Equal Opportunities Commission, we will not be installing a dishwasher in the near future as a result of this incident”.

The company did not confirm or deny that the man is filing for emotional damages.

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ANDREW BOLT SIMPLY A “MYTH”, CLAIMS LOCAL MAN

An impassioned blog post suggests that alleged “journalist” and “person”, Andrew Bolt, does not exist.

Penned by local Warrnambool man, Otis Fukanhaal, Bolt’s existence comes under scrutiny in the post entitled “The Bolt Myth: Why Weren’t We Told?”

In the blog, Fukanhaal writes: “It is now a sin - even a crime against high art - to mention that despite all the blog posts, a syndicated news column, and a TV program, no one to this day has been able to name even 10 instances in which the writings of Andrew Bolt resemble the credible thoughts of a functioning, lucid, human man. The only possible conclusion to be drawn is that ‘Andrew Bolt’ is a complete and utter fabrication, a myth that Australia needs to finally debunk.” 

A spokeswoman told The Shovel this morning that Mr Bolt, is “livid” about the blog post and is in the process of making a complaint to the Australian Press Council.

[theperil]

NEW STUDY SHOWS 10% OF THE POPULATION IS SHORTER THAN THE REMAINING 90%

If you’ve ever wondered what fraction of the population is shorter than the other 90% of the population, you can now rest easy. Professor Mutcer Suna from the Department of Human Physiology at Walkers University’s latest landmark study reveals the answer to be exactly 10%.

The study, undertaken over five years with generous funding from the Australian Research Council, involved the careful, methodological measuring of over 100,000 people worldwide.

“I first had the idea for this project at a dinner party, actually,” explains Professor Suna. “I had exactly ten visitors over and noticed that one of them was shorter than everyone else. This got me thinking that perhaps the same result could be replicated on an even grander scale.”

This led initially to 50,000 Australians having their heights measured in the early stages of the project. “The results were incredible. They matched our hypotheses precisely. Not only were 10% of the people measured shorter than the other 90%, but just like at my dinner party, one person in the entire 50,000 was shorter than everyone else.”

To ensure that the study was not biased towards Australian bodies, the study measured a further 50,000 people’s heights in Japan, with identical results.

“These findings have massive implications in the field of height measurement,” said renowned height measurer and author of New York Times bestseller Height Statistics, Telgip Neerg. “Laypeople might not realise the importance of knowing that 10% of people are shorter than the other 90%, but in the highly academic field of height-measuring, this finding is groundbreaking. We’ll never need to wonder about what fraction of people are shorter than the remaining 90% again. All that’s left to work out now is what percentage of people are taller than the shortest 10%, and I believe Professor Suna has already applied to the ARC for more funding to figure that out. I can’t wait to read the research findings.”

[theperil]

BIDDING WAR AS ABBOTT SELLS OFF ABC

CANBERRA: A bidding war has broken out between four organisations vying for ownership of the soon to be privatised Australian Broadcasting Corporation. The front-running companies, carefully vetted by Prime Minister Tony Abbott himself, all hail from overseas but appear keen to make their mark on Australian television. 

“After careful consideration of the applicants, I narrowed down the contenders to just four finalists,” announced Abbott while wearing only a pair of dripping wet red underpants.

“These are the cream of the cream [sic]; the most independent, honest, loyal and ethical media companies in the world. I will decide which one of them has the most sex appeal and that chosen company will become the next owner of the ABC.”

The four finalists, in no particular order are:

China’s General Administration of Press and Publication - renowned for its unbiased reportage in favour of the Chinese ruling elite.

North Korea’s  Korean Central News Agency - banned in South Korea for having too much integrity, a world leader in reporting on the evils of other countries and the godliness of Kim Jong-Un.

Oceania’s Ministry of Truth - fronted by a gentleman who goes by the pseudonymous “Big Brother”, the Ministry of Truth (established in 1984), is known for its thorough error checking and revision of historical inaccuracies, to ensure the most reliable news service around.

America’s Fox News - the well trusted, ever honest television channel which maintains a long standing commitment to freedom of the press[ident to kill foreign civilians] and, in line with its slogan, “Fair and Balanced”, broadcasts both extreme rightwing bullshit and fundamentalist neoconservative propaganda in fair and equal proportions.

The Peril also considered applying for the tender, but realised it could not compete with such impeccable news outlets.

Abbott is expected to make his decision next month.

[theperil]

NEIL MITCHELL: “GREAT HEAVENLY LEADER KIM JONG-UN MORE TRUSTWORTHY THAN ILLEGAL OPINION SHARER”

Responding to calls for an investigation into torture allegations in North Korea earlier this week, Australian radio announcer Neil Mitchell remained loyal to “great supreme leader” Kim Jong-Un’s assertion that North Korean military personnel would never hurt anyone.

The allegations of torture, made by a slave laborer in a prison camp in the east of the country after he was overheard telling a fellow prisoner that “there’s something not quite right with this regime,” were supported by photographs of severe burns on the alleged victim’s hands.

“What we have here is an ILLEGAL sharer of an opinion, doing everything he can to share an opinion,” announced an incredulous Neil Mitchell to his listeners.

“Now, seriously, who do you believe? Some sharer of an opinion doing anything he can to share his opinion? Or North Korean soldiers who get no benefit from torturing people?”

Ken Snithers, CEO of the Slave Laborer Association hit back at Mitchell on air, insisting that the burns were sufficient evidence for an investigation to be held.

Mitchell responded that the soldiers accused of the crime had already investigated it and found that no torture had occurred, so no further investigation was required. “Furthermore, Great Heavenly Father Chairman Kim Jong-Un would never do anything to hurt our slave laborers. That you wouldn’t trust him is disgraceful.”

Later in the day, Mitchell was heard telling church abuse victims that their allegations could not be true because some paedophile priests who conducted an investigation had found no evidence to back the claims.

Disclaimer: This Peril article is satire. Duh.   (This, however, is not.)

[theperil]

THE PERIL REVIEWS: CRYING IN PUBLIC

Carlton, Australia

It was a sunny day in Carlton and there was a slight breeze in the air. I knew my upcoming cry would be good because sun always adds a bittersweet element to sadness. The cry started naturally because I was thinking about something sad. I had been thinking about the sad thing all day, but had decided to repress the urge to cry until I was home. Unfortunately, my iPod shuffle chose a very sad song for me to listen to and I didn’t make it. As I was walking home along the busy road, I could feel a swelling behind my eyes, a burning pain in my chest, and knew some tears were about to emerge (a tip: if you do not want to cry in public, make sure shuffle is off and you are listening to Beyonce only). Rather than stop and sit down, I kept walking.  When crying in public I prefer to keep walking or shopping or queuing or doing whatever I am doing, as this creates an air of strength and martyrdom. Sitting down and sobbing into one’s hands should be done rarely and only if the reason for the crying is honourable and legitimate (e.g. because your cat died), rather than pathetic and embarrassing (e.g. your one night stand who you thought was the love of your life didn’t return your last 10 text messages). This is in case a stranger stops to rescue you (strangers will usually want to know the source of your pain so they can fix it; sometimes by offering hugs, baked goods or heavy petting).

  Walking while crying made me think about how strong I was to keep striding home even in the face of such pain, which made me even sadder because I started thinking about how much pain I have experienced in my life and how difficult it is to be me, which made me cry even more. At this point the type of crying shifted from silent tears running down my cheeks to a few sharp sobs, which felt quite satisfying because it added drama to the experience. At this stage in the cry a bird swooped me, which added a mystical layer to my crying experience. The three sobs ended with a gulp, which was not accompanied by sticky dribble. A sob without spit or dribble is desirable because dry sobbing can make you look quite pretty and vulnerable if you are a girl. As I got closer to my house I decided I should stop crying in case my housemates greeted me when I walked through the door and queried my emotional stability. Keen to save face, I forced myself to stop crying. This was quite a jarring experience, as I had not yet fully expressed all the pain I needed to. I could still feel a knot in my stomach and some tears behind my eyes. However, I decided to think about happy things and sing loudly to Beyonce, which tricked my brain into thinking I was happy and stopped me from crying. 

It was going well until the abrupt ending, so I give this cry 6/10

[theperil]

LOCAL BABY BORN WITHOUT CRUCIAL LIFE SKILLS

Having a new baby is a momentous step in anyone’s life. But the hard work of looking after a new arrival can be tough. For Linea and Otto Graff, a couple of Quentin Tarantino fans with matching yellow beanies and an average-sized house in suburbia, the difficulties of raising a child are significantly harder than they are for most parents. Their daughter Poly, delivered without complication by staff at Hingma Hospital just over a week ago, was born unable to walk, talk, read, write, rap or eat solids.

The mother, Linea, expressed her dismay in a tweet soon after the birth:

After discovering their child couldn’t talk, the parents attempted to communicate with young Poly by writing her a note.

“She didn’t even acknowledge the note, let alone read or understand it,” an exasperated Otto told reporters. “It became clear that she would not be able to write a reply either.”

“I started beatboxing, thinking it might calm her nerves, so that she would communicate through rhyme,” explained a clearly distraught Linea, “but it turns out she can’t rap either.”

The situation became worse and worse. “We thought maybe she was hungry, so offered her a sandwich,” explained Otto, “but she wouldn’t touch it. She doesn’t even have teeth! All she seems to want to do is drink milk.”

The parents were even more shocked when they got up to leave the hospital and Poly refused to get up. Doctors explained that Poly’s body is not yet developed enough to walk.

The Peril is asking its compassionate readers to donate generously to a fund set up to support the Graff family financially during this difficult time.

[theperil]

OFFICE IMPLEMENTS SMALL TALK BAN

A small office in the suburb of Fitzroy in the north of Melbourne, well known for its status as a creative and artistic hub, has implemented new office rules to clamp down on small talk. The director of the organisation, Ottmar Leppard, declared that topics like car trips home, what one ate for dinner, and even medical issues, were no longer welcome within a 5 metre radius of the office.

  This has occurred, staff report, after years of frustration and unhappiness. One worker, who did not wish to be named, said: "small talk gives me brain cramps that take hours to recover from. My creative energy is severely damaged when I hear people talk about the temperature outside".

  This comes just weeks after an office worker in the neighbouring suburb of Northcote received third degree burns after being subjected to an assault involving a "large mug" of scalding hot water. The victim maintains that the attack was unprovoked, occurring after "a friendly 10 minute chat about my kitten's relationship with a ball of string". The attack however, resulted in significant debate in the media about the line between friendly conversation and psychological abuse. The attacker claims she was acting in self defence, and is campaigning for "inane chatter" to be included in the legal definition of provocation as defence for murder under Victorian law. 

  She is being supported by the Alliance against Mundane Chatter in Melbourne (AMCM), who have made a clear statement in support of office environments that "embolden sophisticated verbal interaction for the sake of our collective intelligence and productivity".

  The Social Anxiety Advocacy for Stupid People Group (SAASPG) however, have defended small talk for its important role in lubricating social interaction for those who have personalities of insufficient quality. In an email to the Peril, Britt Ah, Vice President of the organisation stated that "these ppl needs our support to" [sic].

[theperil]

POVERTY STRICKEN PHD STUDENTS FAIL TO FINISH FREE LUNCH

An inside source from Melbourne University has this afternoon informed the Peril that a catered lunch provided absolutely free of charge to Philosophy PhD students was left partially uneaten.

The Peril contacted senior staff at the University following the scandal. Dean of Student Health Ms Sylvia Skorvak told the Peril "I don’t understand why they didn’t eat it. Reports show PhD students are living well under the poverty line yet they fail to consume food that could be the only thing that will get them through their next reading group." Another senior staff member reported: "I asked several of the students what happened. One student complained that "the soup was too soupy." Yet another student said that the fruit platters were "inconsistent with Nietzschean philosophy."

This has occurred just days after a report released by the Society for the Survival of Scholarly Students (SSSS) identified PhD students as at risk of entering extreme poverty. The report outlined the living conditions students are facing. "PhD students are increasingly having to buy clothes from Big W, can only go to the Nova cinema in Carlton on Mondays, and often eat Cheddar instead of Brie". A government response to the report has failed to provide any concrete solution to the problem. Labor backbencher Pierre Higgins reportedly suggested that students should eat tinned spaghetti if they are concerned about starvation. Author of the report Catherine Ciccone labelled this response "threatening and offensive", stating that "spaghetti and philosophy have historically been ideologically and epistemologically incommensurable". She further accused him of receiving bribes from Heinz, one of the largest manufacturers of tinned spaghetti.

[theperil]

COALITION MOVES TO OUTLAW LATTES

In a move that has confounded political analysts, the opposition have proposed to completely outlaw café lattes, a warm caffeinated drink popularised by inner city dwellers. This marks the first time in sixty-two years that a political party has proposed to outlaw a single consumable item on political grounds, after confectionery item "Redskins" came under attack by the anti-communist Labor party in 1953.

NSW Liberal senator Barnaby Joyce is leading the anti-latte campaign.

The measure will have food outlets and bars banned from serving coffee topped by a layer of froth that exceeds one centimetre.

Those who consume the seemingly innocuous beverage, says Mr Joyce, are ignorant of the impact profound impact that it has on their political views. "Innocent Australians who frequent inner city cafes do not know what they are getting themselves into. It starts with a cappuccino, extends to a latte and suddenly they are flicking through Green Left Weekly as they wait."

Joyce identified lattes as a key driver behind Australia's failing economy and "soft" education system. "Studies have found that the drink dulls rationalism receptors in the brain. According to my sources at the Australian Institute of Fact Manufacturing, it encourages dexterity because of the particular way one holds a latte glass. This leads to a preference for knitting over mathematics", Mr Joyce told reporters outside of Parliament House this afternoon. The proposal has come under fire from several interest groups. The Australian latte lobbyists are concerned that it will have an adverse impact on business. President Mr Froth hit back against Joyce. "There is absolutely no truth to his claims", explained Mr Froth at a press conference this morning. "The only difference between a latte and a cappuccino is the froth to milk ratio and the chocolate on top. Both latte and cappuccino cups have a positive impact on dexterity". Greens senator Adam Bandt has also weighed in on the policy, releasing a statement on his website this morning. "I find it ridiculous that a food item can be said to influence one's ideology" the statement reads. I have been eating Foie Gras for years and have never once considered voting Liberal". The debate continues.

[theperil]

AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT PASSES ITS LAST EVER BILL WITH BIPARTISAN SUPPORT

The final parliamentary bill ever was passed through both houses of parliament today in what politicians described as a victory for Australian politics.

“The NOMPOL Bill [short for the “No More Policy Bill”] is a real breakthrough for the political process in this country,” said a beaming Opposition Leader Tony Abbott while holding hands with an equally smiley Prime Minister Julia Gillard during a press conference this morning.

“We have fought long and hard for this,” added Prime Minister Gillard. “We knew it was just a matter of time.”

The NOMPOL Bill finally puts into law what has already been a practical reality in the Australian political scene for a number of years. Rather than debating and implementing new government policy – an out-of-date practice already abolished at the state and local council levels – politicians will now be able to focus on the more important job of ensuring they are re-elected at the next election.

“This means we can now dedicate an entire three year electoral term to demonizing refugees and cross-party shitslinging, which of course we’ve been doing anyway, but now we don’t need to feel guilty about not getting anything else done,” said Joe Hockey, before climbing on top of his car, defecating into his hand and throwing it at the press gallery to emphasize his point.

“This is bad, very bad for democracy” said an Independent on the condition of anonymity. “All us Independents and minor parties voted against the NOMPOL Bill, but with both major parties fighting for it, we didn’t have a chance in croco-roach-on-the-roof hell.”

[theperil]

'CLOTHES BODY' DIET REVEALED

In a timely announcement at the Australian Women's Bodies and Clothes conference last week, esteemed weight loss guru Penny Cragee has revealed her secret to obtaining that coveted winter clothes body. "At Penny Cragee we know that wearing clothes in public can be an anxiety inducing event for many women", remarked Ms Cragee. "The clothes diet is based on the philosophy that all women should be able to confidently wear winter clothes in public".

Ms Cragee got the idea for the clothes diet last year, upon realising that much like winter’s warm counterpart, summer, the season was a difficult time for women who wanted a body they could take with them to the shops, a bar, and even the office. 

 The new 'clothes body' program is a two- month diet plan culminating in a one week 'jeans and jumper’ boot camp. Ms Cragee states that the two month eating plan, provides "a realistic way in which women can expect to lose up to two Parka sizes." Penny argues that unlike other diet plans, hers acknowledges that "women need food to stay alive". The diet plan dictates that women only need to miss one meal per day, which, Cragee states, allows women to "fuel their bodies for essential activities such as walking and communicating". 

Ms Cragee told The Peril that she hopes the clothes diet will act as an agent of change. "Too many women are ashamed of their bodies. We are here to ensure every woman has the confidence to wear clothes in public, without being subject to ridicule and protests of disgust".

Supermodel Miranda Nerr, reportedly a close friend of Ms Cragee, voiced her support for program when speaking with The Peril this morning. “All women are beautiful on the inside; its only when you can’t see that from the outside that it becomes an issue for them”. Ms Nerr commented that “the clothes diet helps women flourish aesthetically.”

 For more information about the program please visit www.wearclothesinpublicnow.com.au

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BOARDING TRAIN “MUCH EASIER” BEFORE DOORS CLOSE

A ground-breaking study released last night has claimed that boarding a train before the doors have closed is significantly easier than attempting to do so after the doors have shut.

The study, conducted by a team of researchers over the course of three weeks, involved numerous attempts at getting onto trains, both before the doors had closed, and afterwards.

“Almost as soon as we started the study, the results jumped out at us,” says Professor Norom Ami, who oversaw the project with the aid of a grant from the Warrigal Train Fund (WTF). “Although in planning this research we really had no idea what the outcome would be, it became immediately apparent that entering a train once the doors have closed, is really quite difficult. On the other hand, getting on board before the train’s doors close is much easier. And for the first time ever, we’ve been able to prove this statistically.”

According to the report, which was far too long for the Peril journalists to read in its entirety (we read the abstract, intro and conclusion which is more than enough), boarding a train before the doors close is easier 99% of the time; whereas boarding afterwards is easier only 1% of the time (with a statistical error as low as ± 1%.).

“The implications of this are of course enormous” says Naomi Aikalam, one of the research team members who climbed aboard a lot of trains for the project. “On any given day, millions of people worldwide catch a train, whether to work, for a shopping trip, or even to go camping. Now that this information is available, all of these millions of train passengers stand to benefit. Oh, and school, some people catch the train to go to school.”

[theperil]

ARGUMENT OVER JAPAN EXPERTISE GETS OUT OF HAND

A casual drink in a Carlton pub took a bitter turn last Friday when an argument got way out of hand.

University student Eniru Sipstel found herself regretting ever introducing her two friends Esra Kotub and Dave Elcitset, after the two began to quarrel over who - of the two of them - was most knowledgeable about Japan.

Kotub, who was recently offered a teaching job in Tsu, Mie Prefecture, had unthinkingly mentioned that he hoped he'd be able to keep his beard once he started his new job. To which, according to nearby witnesses, Elcitset responded "No. You won't be able to."

"How could you possibly know that?" queried Kotub, sensing Elcitset was a bit of a know-it-all.

"They don't let you grow a beard at work in Japan."

K: "What do you mean, 'they'? Do you know my employer?"

E: "I lived in Japan for a year."

K: "I've been to Japan four times."

E: "Yeah, but for how long?"

K: "The longest was 3 months"

E: "Exactly. So trust me, you can't grow a beard there."

K: "What? So your saying because you've spent longer there that you know my boss won't let me have a beard?"

E: "That's exactly what I'm saying." K: "You can't measure Japan expertise on time spent there alone! I'm way more knowledgeable about Japan than you'll ever be. I've been reading manga since I was six; I eat sushi daily, with wasabi; fuck man, I even eat natto for breakfast."

E: "Yeah? Well I only watch Japanese movies; my bedroom wall is covered in kanji; and my dog is a shiba-ken, dickhead."

At this point, the argument - by now way out of hand - was bought to an abrupt halt when Eniru Sipstel told them to shut up. "Shut up," she said. "I've never been to Japan, I hate Japanese food and pop culture, but I own a Toyota, and that's been a Japanese brand longer than you've been alive." And neither Kotub nor Elcitset could argue with that.

[theperil]

WRITERS SAY MIRANDA KERR COMMENTS "IMPOSSIBLE" TO SATIRISE

Writers of prominent satire news blog The Peril are finding it impossible to write a more exaggerated version of Miranda Kerr.

The admission came after the writers perused an article published by the Sydney Morning Herald earlier this morning.

The article describes a photoshoot directed by internationally-acclaimed pervert Russell James in which Miranda Kerr ascends a tree in the nude.

Ms Kerr stated that while initially reluctant to engage with the project, "when [Mr James] explained the meaning behind it and the connection to the indigenous culture, I definitely found the inspiration to climb a tree naked".

It was remarks such as these that left writers of The Peril dumbfounded.

"It's possible that she's an incredibly skilled comedian and is in fact satirising herself as she goes", remarked The Peril's head writer Simone Swheps. "She may be protecting herself from ridicule by constructing the most ridiculous version of herself possible", Swheps continued. "It's very clever".

Other writers of The Peril were reportedly very distressed by the material, which included Ms Kerr musing about having "a lot of indigenous friends" growing up.

When contacted by themselves this morning, the team declined comment.

[theperil]

LIBERAL SENATOR SLAMS WHITE ABORIGINES AS "DELIBERATELY DECEPTIVE"

Liberal Senator Cori Bernadi has accused white aborigines of being "deliberately deceptive". 

 "It's come to the point where ordinary Australians don't know when or where it's safe to racist", he says. "You may think you're talking to an ordinary everyday Australian but they are actually an aboriginal. All I'm saying is that it's misleading", Bernadi told The Peril yesterday afternoon. 

 "What would Mr Bernadi have us do? Change our skin tone?" asked Anita Heiss, an aforementioned white aborigine.

 "That's certainly something we'd be open to", Bernardi offered.   

 From July 2012, any Australian citizen sporting "hidden aboriginality" will be issued a $250 fine.

[theperil]

COW QUITS VEGAN DIET, EATS OWNER

Farmer Aton Botty thought he had a "pretty good understanding" of the behaviour of his cows. That was until last Tuesday, when one of them ate him, unexpectedly breaking her vegan diet after more than three years.

Geraldine (front), who finally gave up veganism.

Geraldine Cattal was just nine months old when she decided to become vegan. "I guess environmental reasons played a part in my decision, but mainly I just lost my taste for milk."

But at 4 years old, Geraldine has had a change of heart. "Grass just became so boring. I wanted variety, and on top of that, my personal trainer said I wasn't getting enough protein."

So Geraldine - who also suffered from reflux for a number of years - decided to chew the cud for a while, mulling over her moral values and ethics. "It got to a point where I started skipping meals, I was so sick of grass. And then the hunger just got to me...made up my mind for me."

So early Tuesday morning, when farmer Botty came to herd the cattle into the milking shed, Geraldine took a bite. And apparently she couldn't stop.