TW: Child on child sexual assault, I recently realized that I was the perpetrator and a victim. I describe what I did plainly but not graphically. I want to know what I should do, and if there’s anything I can do to lessen the pain of the child I molested.
Hi, You can call me Nel. I’m 20 now and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I am a child molester. When I was about 12 years old I was changing the diaper of this 4 year old little boy and I squeezed his penis. It was out of curiosity and it was a brief squeeze and I never did anything like that again and I thought so little of it at the time (which makes me sick to think about now), that I didn’t even really start thinking about it until a couple years later when I’d unpacked my own sexual assault and come to terms with the reality that girls could in fact rape boys. As I say all this I am aware of what I did and how much I undoubtedly hurt that little boy. Again, at the time I didn’t even view what I was doing as sexual, just as satisfying my curiosity as I’d never seen a penis before. But now of course I realize that what I did was in fact sexual assault and that it was harmful and evil and I was at the age where I should have known better. I’ll probably never see the child I assaulted again but I want to know if there’s anything I should/can do to lessen his pain or redeem myself? When I was assaulted it was by a child who was only a couple years older than me so I don’t think my emotions surrounding that situation can be applied here. The thing is that I don’t think he remembers what happened so I think finding him apologizing to him would be more harmful than beneficial. I just want to know what I should do now that I’ve come to the realization.
Hi Nel,
Children's frontal lobes, which are responsible for rationalization and judgment, are not fully developed, meaning that they can make poor choices or not completely understand the consequences of the choices they make. This includes 12-year-olds. While older children can sometimes assist with diaper changes if properly taught, the primary responsibility should ideally rest with adults or mature caregivers who can ensure it's done safely and appropriately.
It was wrong to do what you did and it's important to take ownership and accountability for your past actions, but also important to consider the context of your cognitive development at the time, the fact that you hadn't seen a penis before, as well as your history of abuse. It would be very different if you had done this as a fully grown adult.
As for what to do now, it's great that you have the empathy and remorse to want to apologize or potentially offer closure. However, it's best not to reach out to him. It's important to give him the autonomy to reach out to you on his own terms if he wants.
The best thing you can do now is take the way you feel about what happened and use it towards building self-compassion and self-work so that this not only doesn't happen again, but you can learn to enjoy your life without feeling guilty or undeserving. While not everyone can access or afford it, if this experience is truly plaguing you, therapy may be an invaluable asset in unpacking and working through these emotions and beliefs about yourself.
I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything else.
-Bun
