>> OPEN KITAGAWA HONOKA’S FILE …
:// AGE — 28 :// OCCUPATION — unemployed :// CLASS — fallen
>> LOADING DEVELOPMENT …
:// MODIFICATIONS —
hearing: removable hearing aid in right ear. restorative procedure for hearing in right ear after losing 70% of hearing in said ear. relatively small implant. has a tendency to forget to wear. still hard of hearing.
>> LOADING BIOGRAPHY …
tw: abuse
THE SPARK
i.
is there a god in you, girl?
ii.
her mother says she’s built mostly on faults.
she wants too much. she tires too easily, she lacks patience, she does not delight the way a girl ought to. she is too harsh. she does not smile enough. she thinks too highly of herself. she thinks too little of others, she is all desire. she is the definition of selfishness. she is all vanity. she is a curse of a girl. she is possessed by greed. she is the scourge of the earth.
“even still,” her mother always says in her sweet little voice, “you’re still my daughter. i still love you.”
iii.
love doesn’t feel like this. this much she knows.
iv.
“do you yearn?” “why would i?” “why wouldn’t you.”
she smiles, innocuous and innocent. “one day i’ll own the whole world, what does the woman who have everything need more of?”
“well everyone wants something, even the girl who has everything.”
v.
she wants to feel something.
the press of his lips to her neck is close enough for now.
she can’t remember his name. jiyong. jaeyul. something of the like, it doesn’t matter. he doesn’t matter.
he’s just meant to fill a void, an idiot to hold near just for a while and to throw away when she gets bored.
“fuck, you’re the prettiest girl i’ve ever met.” he whispers in her ear and she pretends she doesn’t feel disgust as his hands grip her hips and his breath tickles her neck.
“i know,” she breathes back, “now shut up.”
THE FLAME
i.
“your touch causes ruin,” he tells her one day, “that’s why you’re no good.”
ii.
her father’s palm hits her so hard her ears start to ring.
he’s saying something, spittle flying as he screams but she can’t make out any of the words. the ringing and the sound of her heart pounding make it impossible to hear anything else.
it’s nuclear fallout. the whole world crumbles beneath her feet and there’s nothing to break her fall, no one to save her from herself.
“it’s all over now!” her father’s hands are slight, thin and elegant but his grip is bruising when it digs into her shoulders. “you’ve ruined everything. you’ve ruined us all.”
the slap doesn’t sting as much the second time around.
“idiot girl,” someone mumbles. it’s the only sound she can hear over the ring.
iii.
it takes sixteen hours and twelve minutes to bring life into the world. sixteen hours and twelve minutes to feel herself at death’s brink to bring another life into the world.
her mother kisses her sweaty forehead and calls it a miracle, tells her she’s so proud even though they both know it’s a lie.
iv.
“father’s name?” “i don’t know.” “mother’s name?” “kitagawa honoka.” “child’s name?” “they didn’t let me choose one.”
v.
it’s the pity that kills her. it’s the pity that drives her mad.
THE BURNING
i.
imagine falling off a cliff, looking down at certain death.
ii.
“do you yearn?”
her laugh sounds like her mother’s; mirthless and light, a certain coldness that lilts off her tongue.
“yeah, i yearn. i yearn a fucking lot.”
she can’t feel the tips of her fingers or the corners of her mouth, but she’s smiling and laughing the way good girls are supposed to. breeding rears it’s head at every turn, cements the fact that she’s that much better than all of this.
“i yearn for everything y’know? i’m greedy that way.”
iii.
neon gods don’t shine so brightly here.
the lights never quite reach the bottom.
iv.
perceptions of her go like so:
she is a good girl, she has good manners, she is small and feminine. she is pretty and kind. she poses no threat and means no harm. she’s an unfortunate victim of a heartless man and a vicious system.
no one bothers to recognize otherwise, and she’s fine with it.
it’s easier to be perceived than to be known.
v.
imagine being trapped in a maelstrom.
chaos pulls her in every which direction, but none of them are up. she just wants to go home, she tells herself as she tries to claw her way up, fingers covered in shit and blood.
she just wants to see it all burn with her own two eyes.
THE ASH
i.
once, he told her her touch caused ruin.
she wants to know if it’s still true.
