it is so funny to me that dreadrook has all this potential, all this drama !!!
and then daw and solas are just like
okay :) yay :)
they're shockingly normal??? 😂 at least outwardly. really, they just bury all the shit and wait for the inevitable dramatic failure of the relationship but dammit they are riding this rollercoaster while they can...!
except it's not a rollercoaster it's just. coasting. disturbingly chill. confrontations are rare
meanwhile nessa - my lavellan in the full solrookvellan fic (...there's no fic. i meant ship. i wrote fic. that's ajfksjfs okay now my typos are false advertising lmaO) - is just like. glances at daw. glances at solas. glances at daw. glances at solas. ohhh this is gonna be dramatic at some point but it's Not My Business 💅
Many, many thanks to the amazing @alienturnipp for this giveaway prize. It was a pleasure to work with her, and I couldn’t have asked for a more gorgeous depiction of Solas and my Inquisitor, Nessa Lavellan.
one of these days, i'd like to write smth about my various inky's feelings over losing their arm and prosthetics
but in brief:
velari - doesn't try a prosthetic. the time needed to let it heal (from a surgical amputation) was significant, and ultimately she just got used to doing things with her remaining hand and her left upper arm, and felt no particular desire to try a prosthetic. whenever she thought about it, it seemed unnecessary and more trouble than it was worth
nessa - she does not try a prosthetic either. she also feels that it'd be more trouble than it's worth, and although losing her left hand/part of her arm meant that she couldn't use her bow anymore, her adaptation was to learn how to use a short sword instead. but this intensive physical training was also important for her to take her mind off her grief and give her something actionable
delwyn - she does use a prosthetic, but not with any attempt at functionality. instead, her usage is rooted in a desire to not be stared at, at least not more than she already is - as such, it's a lightweight wooden arm with a fixed hand/fingers, and she tends to wear long sleeves and gloves. she has always struggled with some degree of self consciousness and social anxiety, and found the way people would stare intolerable, especially when it was accompanied by pity
revas thinks the world of her mother (nessa lavellan) until she gets older and starts to put Big Pieces together, realizing that her mom kept so much secret from her
her father - solas - was around when she was a baby, too young to remember him, then left as she started growing up. but he stayed connected to her, appearing as a wolf in her dreams, but she didn't know that was her father
and nessa never talks about who her father was. how he was, yes; what kind of man he was. but not his name. not that he is the dread wolf
eventually, after the events of veilguard, nessa is reunited with solas (he is working with the titans, but when he's exhausted from his efforts he returns for a time to the lighthouse, where he lives with nessa, revas, and daw, and kieran, and morrithal is there frequently [they have a complex and spanning dynamic lmao]) and solas and morrigan train revas in her magic. morrigan had become her default teacher, although solas - in wolf form, in her dreams - did what he could to guide her as well, introducing her to helpful spirits and teaching her much of the fade
so she's living in the lighthouse and she's around 11. has grown up with nessa and morrigan feeling like her parents, and with kieran like an older brother. there are other ppl she knows - blackwall, leliana, she met dorian a few times, when he could be pulled away from tevinter, and she ends up meeting some of the veilguard as well - but those are the major figures in her life. and at the lighthouse, solas and daw aldwir join in as major figures, and she begins to see nessa, morrigan, daw, and solas all as parents
none of which is strange to her btw. she's had little interaction with other children and little context for "typical" family structures
anyway, she doesn't really get what all is happening. she doesn't understand all the things that happened during inq, or trespasser, or veilguard, or the time between. but she also doesn't know what all is happening around her right now. she quickly learns her father's name is solas, and that he's sometimes called the dread wolf or fen'harel, but those titles don't mean anything to her - nessa is her only source for dalish legends, and she never could bring herself to share the stories of the dread wolf
kieran knows, but he's overly protective of revas, trying to insulate her from the world (flemythal was too controlling of morrigan, so then morrigan is a little too free with kieran, so kieran is a little too protective of revas, and on the cycles go)
and idk how exactly she learns. but when she does, it's the first time she becomes really angry at her mother. and, at the same time, she's finally getting to know her father and has been becoming closer with him. so she has this time where she treats nessa very coldly and only acts enthusiastic to see solas, which pains all of them
solas tries to encourage mother and daughter back together, but revas is still so angry, and nessa understands that anger and doesn't want to push. the whole thing becomes very strained
i think as the information settles in, revas will be able to slowly let go of her anger. it will remain, and her trust in her mother will be impacted by it, but it won't be as overwhelming forever as it is at the beginning. but i do think it driving her in solas' direction is something that sticks
frankly, i see her eventually, as a young woman, joining him in his efforts with the titans
(nessa has joined him, as well. as has daw. but neither of them are mages, and revas is, and she's fascinated by all of it, and joining him makes her feel very important, and he is a soft touch for her big pleading eyes)
so i've been making an oc cheat sheet, so to speak, for their voices. bc i bounce around so much that sometimes i kinda lose the thread of how a given oc talks
and it's been an interesting experience, bc the first step was just kinda quickly describing it, and those initial descriptions were vague and had a lot of overlap
but i started writing - and also grabbing some good quotes from posted work - and i was able to really refine the initial descriptions
velari is thoughtful and considering when she speaks, and she can slip easily into storytelling
nessa is clear and makes a lot of statements, and her emotions are right at the surface, often expressed more through words than tone
daw is blunt and informal with their speech, plain-spoken, opting for simpler language, and a lot of it is a deflection from the matter at hand
and what's so interesting to me about all this is that it wasn't really a conscious, deliberate decision on my part. i mean, i did it, yes, but it was a bit more emergent than intentional. i didn't sit there and think to myself "nessa makes a lot of statements," but as i wrote her, she made a lot of statements. that became part of her character, and represented something of her personality in quite the appropriate way - she's stubborn af lmao. that's the core trait i've built her around, sheer, unrelenting stubbornness. so ofc someone like that is going to be prone to statements, to speech that is more authoritative than questioning or curious or uncertain
They had won. It seemed an impossibility, yet here they were, celebration reaching all corners of Skyhold. She was happy, thrilled even, that Corypheus was gone, that the sky was mended, that she and her friends were no longer at risk.
The impromptu party Josephine had thrown was great fun.
Still, she felt hollow. He should be here.
When she slept that night, she expected to find him in the Fade. He had promised that all would be made clear. Instead, she fought Corypheus again. Instead, he left her again. Instead, she saw herself without her Vallaslin. Despite everything, she was relieved when she woke and saw the familiar markings on her face.
She knew she needed to remain strong, to not let her people see how torn she was, but it was hard. She kept remembering holding his hand, the simple joy she'd felt, the sense that he was finally acknowledging their relationship in truth. Instead, it had been the start of the end. A thin comfort before the storm.
Things had faded since that conversation, as though she was observing her life at a remove. She tried to hide it. She thought she had managed.
"Inquisitor, a word?" She was on the battlements, looking at the mountains, distracted enough that she hadn't heard Leliana approach.
"Of course. What is it?"
"I do not mean to be untoward, but…" She was confused as Leliana approached her, stunned as the other woman's arms wrapped around her. "Those who care about you can see your suffering. I am so sorry, my lady."
Nessa hesitated, momentarily uncertain, before returning the embrace. No one touched her casually - first, she had been seen as a criminal; next, touched by Andraste. Finally, she had become the Inquisitor. People don't just hug the leader of the Inquisition.
She hadn't realized how much she'd missed it until she realized she was crying, uncertain how much was despair and how much was relief. Leliana still did not pull away.
"I loved him. I- I don't know why he left." The words were pressed against Leliana's shoulder, thin and private, still catching in her throat. The tears were hot on her face.
"Nor I. I wish I could have found him for you."
"He does not wish it." These words were even smaller, as though to say it risked making it real. But she knew it was real. It was all real - the love and the pain. The hollow he'd left behind. Finally she pulled away, wiping her face, certain she looked a mess. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to…" She gestured weakly at her face, her tears. Leliana's smile was soft, warm. So genuine it took Nessa by surprise.
"Think nothing of it, my lady. My friend. You may lead the armies of the faithful, you may have sealed the Breach, but you are still a person. Those who care about you have not forgotten this."
Gratitude swelled in her as she turned back to the mountains, letting the cold breeze hit her tears and chill her. A sensation stronger than her grief, at least for the moment. "We walked together, the night before we faced Corypheus. I haven't told anyone…" Leliana came to stand by her side, also looking out at the mountains. Trying to make this moment easier for Nessa, she knew. "He told me about the Vallaslin, our markings. Corypheus spoke of it, too." She took a deep breath - this pained her as much as his flight. "They are the marks of a slave." Leliana, so often calm and in control, gasped and turned to stare at her. Nessa continued to look out. She needed to say it. "Long ago, owners used the Vallaslin to mark their slaves. They do represent our Gods, but… they are not as the Dalish thought."
"That's… that's horrible, I had no idea. Solas told you this?" Nessa nodded, new tears hot in her eyes but cold as they slipped down her cheeks.
"He offered to remove mine. But, I couldn't… no matter what they were, what they meant, they have meaning to my People now. It was an honor to receive my Vallaslin. He accepted my answer, he seemed to respect it, but…" Leliana put a gentle hand on her shoulder, a small touch that grounded her, helped her finish the thought that she hadn't dared articulate even to herself. "... what if it is why he left? What if he couldn't stand knowing I kept myself marked as a slave? What if he couldn't understand that it meant something to me as a Dalish, regardless of what it had meant in Arlathan?"
"My lady… I cannot speak for him, he always has been a mystery, but one thing I will say: he has never seemed to say something he does not mean. I do not think his acceptance of your decision a lie, although I can no more explain his flight than can you." It was a comfort to hear, because the words rang true. He was not one to lie - to avoid answering questions, certainly, but not to make his answers explicit lies. It helped, a little, to be reminded of this.
"I know he wanted the orb preserved. I saw that he mourned its destruction. But he left me before the fight, before it had been broken… I know it hurt him, that much was obvious." She shook her head, armor jangling slightly. She used to wear leathers. After their conversation she had switched to scalemail. She was still getting used to the sound, the weight of it, but the difference helped keep her in the moment. "He said all would be clear after the battle. Perhaps, at the time, he meant it. But nothing is clear." She finally turned to look at Leliana. The other woman had changed so much… when they'd first met, Nessa had been more than a little afraid of her. More afraid of her than of Cassandra, even. The longer they'd worked together the more she'd grown to trust her, although Leliana's willingness to go so far still scared her somewhat. But now the other woman had… softened. She'd found herself again. She still did what was needed, but no longer sought violence as a means in and of itself. "Except that I belong here, with all of you. Thank you for coming here, for listening. It means… more than I can say." Leliana's smile was so warm.
"You did the same for me, my friend." So simple, but the second time she'd called Nessa friend. A warm sentiment, a balm on the raw edges of her pain and grief. Leliana left her to her solitude, but she felt lighter. Her grief would keep, she knew, but she still had her Clan, still had her Vallaslin, and she still had her… family, here. She would live despite her grief. She would live. And in time, she would thrive.
For now, she left the mountains to their solitude and went back to the main hall. She no longer wanted to be alone.
"But life remains. Here, now. I think I finally understand what my Keeper had been trying to teach us. Forgiveness isn’t for them, not really - it’s for us, to keep us moving, living, growing. I could hold my anger and my hate forever, but what would it serve? Who would it aid?"
Runs cold and loves wool for that reason. Likes shades of green. Really wants a mabari. Refuses to wear or even consider a prosthetic. Wore leather armor until after Trespasser, when she switched to scalemail. Outside of armor, prefers long, modest dresses–modest not for modesty but for warmth.
Personality in Brief:
Stubborn. She will always win, no matter the cost–even if the cost is her own happiness.
Biography in Brief:
A Dalish hunter, then Inquisitor, Nessa never believed she was chosen by Andraste. She visits her clan–now in Wycome–but never fully returns to them. The relationship with Solas develops during the events of DAI, and they reconnect briefly after Trespasser–Revas, their child, is conceived at this time–but Solas leaves again.
During Veilguard, Nessa connects deeply with Daw Aldwir, and after the events of Veilguard, she ends up in a poly relationship with Daw and Solas. Nessa and Revas both end up living at the lighthouse. Morrigan and Kieran are as family to them, and also reside at the lighthouse.
Links:
Longing (fic)
Tumblr tag
Post talking about Nessa's relationship with her clan
Polyship chart that I wasn't kidding about
In-Depth:
NOTE: This contains significant spoilers for her series! This is the last section and will go under a cut. Also a relevant CW is just below the cut.
CW: Brief discussion of rape.
Nessa Lavellan grew up in Clan Lavellan, where she eventually became a hunter. While hunters are often given Andruil’s vallaslin, Nessa instead has June’s, the God of Crafts and Building. Dalish lore states that June taught the elves how to create, among other things, weapons; June gave them knowledge to create tools for survival. Nessa does not hunt out of any inherent appreciation for the act, but to supply her clan with meat, hides, and other things that can be created using what she kills. Given her emphasis on providing, she was granted June’s vallaslin, a moment that meant—and means!—a great deal to her. It is an acknowledgement of the role she played in her clan, and her desire to provide for them.
When Solas tells her the truth of the vallaslin and offers to remove it, she declines. She is deeply disturbed by the information and in that moment, it is his word against everything she learned in her clan. Yet, she is inclined to believe him, knowing him as she does, and specifically knowing that he has found a great deal of ancient information. After all, the Dalish know that they do not fully understand the past. But the vallaslin, whatever its distant origins, means a great deal to her here, now; its application is a treasured memory. It also means a lot that Solas accepts her answer wholly, although she has cause to doubt that acceptance when he ends things immediately after.
She is upset, but remains dedicated to the larger issue. She dislikes the way human faith has been applied to her, but understands that the anchor in her palm gives her a unique position, and that denying it would cause untold suffering. She accepts the responsibility, even if it grates, and does her absolute best in the role that she has been appointed. Yet, as a Dalish hunter, she was never involved in anything remotely political; even inter-clan politics were largely handled without her, and often she was not even present, off for weeks at a time pursuing prey. So she relies heavily on her advisors and her companions—as well as many others, especially various specialists or those acquainted with a particular group/history/etc.—and prioritizes lives over organizations or locations, and will readily let either of the latter fall to preserve the former.
But it is not always possible to preserve life, and she struggles immensely with making decisions where there is no good answer, where either option will result in death; in those moments, she tends to focus on what will be the greatest medium to long-term value. But the burden of using people in this way weighs heavily on her, a weight that she cannot abide at the time and so pushes away (it will come for her later in life).
She is suffering, but the people come first. And she truly believes that Solas will make everything clear after. Even when he disappears, she holds onto that hope. She believes that he will come to her in dreams—she is not a mage, but she still has the anchor, and that was enough before. But while she sees him in dreams, he does not approach, and she cannot tell whether these are just dreams or if he is really there, watching her. But even with Corypheus’ fall, there are still matters for the Inquisition to tend to, and although she is deeply depressed, she remains as committed as ever. Then Trespasser happens largely as in canon.
She is completely shocked. But she knows him… and his explanation has the ring of truth to it. She believes him. Begs him to stay. He does not.
After the loss of her arm, unable to use her bow, she begins training with a sword, Cullen teaching her. And at night, she tries hard to reach him. Cole, too, is searching for Solas, trying to alleviate Nessa’s anguish, as a Spirit of Compassion is wont to do. Cole speaks with him in the Fade, and Nessa is a constant presence at his heels. It is a distraction, when he cannot afford such distractions, and eventually he forms a plan.
One night, she wakes to find him in her room within Skyhold. He tells her that he will stay, and they have sex for the first time. There is no protection; Nessa does not think about it at the time, and to Solas, it is irrelevant. Because when she has fallen asleep, he creates a dagger out of ice, planning to kill her as fast as he can. He does not want to, of course, but he feels she is too dangerous. And Cole, trying to alleviate her pain, is too dangerous, too disruptive. But he wanted her to be happy, to feel hopeful, in her last moments.
But she knows him.
When he goes to strike, Cole stops him, shoving him back. Nessa wakes and explains that she had taken precautions, asking Cole to watch over her, in case Solas ever tried something like this. She knew that she was in his way, and she knew that he was dedicated to his course.
He leaves, and she tells no one. Cole knows, but they do not speak of it. Later, she begins to feel sick, and all at once she knows. Cole appears before her immediately after. She decides then that she will confront Solas again. That she will tell him of the child—their child—in her belly. Frankly, she is not thinking about being a mother, nor she is thinking of the thing in her as a child, or rather, something that will become a child. It is simply another opportunity (this will bother her later, as Revas grows up and Nessa realizes just how much she cares for her daughter).
He shows up for the confrontation, explaining later that he half-expected her to kill him, and would have welcomed it. But instead she confronts him with the child and he finally acquiesces, returning to Skyhold with her. It is difficult for the others to accept his return, and eventually Nessa does explain that Solas raped her—because he did, and she told him as much during their confrontation—and that, of course, makes it harder for the others to accept him, but both she and Solas knew that she needed others to know. That the burden of bearing this secret quietly while reconnecting with the man who so hurt her was too much.
They live together. Revas is born, named for the elvhen word freedom, and Solas is a doting father and a considerate, gentle partner. Sex is rare and always initiated by Nessa. Yet, the past does not release Solas, and one day she wakes to find his side of the bed empty. Revas is also missing. Once she confirms they are gone, she begins to panic and everyone goes to search for them. She begins sleeping in the lower levels of Skyhold, in that small library room, setting up a simple cot. And one day, Morrigan shows up. They had become friends during the events of Inquisition, and Morrigan understands the fear that Nessa is experiencing, having briefly lost Kieran when he entered the eluvian. Nessa had immediately come to Morrigan’s aid then, and Morrigan came now to return the favor.
A spell is performed, a painful, vulnerable casting that dredges through all of Nessa’s memories, trying to find resonance and their connections in the waking world. Eventually Morrigan does locate Solas’ trail and Nessa sets out, determined to get her daughter back.
Solas is in an old rebellion camp, and while there are seemingly guards, it turns out that they are simply empty suits of armor. He traps the others outside while Nessa confronts him, telling her that, if he should win, he will use Revas, that he will embed an impulse for her to fulfill his duties. Disgusted and horrified, Nessa reacts and they fight, magic against blade… but midway through, Nessa realizes that he should have won. Easily. And she realizes that he’s trying to die. That he’s trying to give her his death. She confronts him, holds him as he completely breaks down sobbing (for the first time), and they leave together.
At this point, almost no one trusts Solas, and Nessa, Revas, and Solas all end up living in a small home in the Hinterlands instead of returning to Skyhold. The only person who accepts his return is Blackwall, because he understands some of what Solas is going through. But they raise Revas together and things are still hard, Solas is still haunted, but it feels real.
Eventually, Solas brings up the inevitable: that he will not age. That Revas will have questions. He leaves, although he and Nessa frequently reunite and he visits Revas’ dreams as a wolf, comforting her and chasing away her nightmares. And when it becomes clear that Revas is a mage, he provides some subtle training—although Morrigan, practically family to Nessa now, also helps train Revas. But over time the visits get rarer and then stop, because the world is at risk. He cannot let himself be selfish enough to live the life he dreams of, and damn the rest of the world. When he stops visiting, Nessa reaches out to those from the Inquisition, which is what starts Varric on his journey to find Solas.
During the events of Veilguard, she realizes through their letters that Daw has feelings for Solas (Daw did not intend to tell Nessa, but she read between the lines and realized). As much as it pained her to do so, she responded saying that Daw should pursue him. Anything to stop him, to save the world... and save him from himself.
Daw protested, saying that they would not steal Nessa's love and Revas' father from them. So Nessa changed tact, and suggested a joint effort, which Daw accepted.
During this time, Solas thought that he and Nessa were over. In his mind, there was no forgiving what he had done, the countless times he had betrayed her. So when she shows up after the events of Veilguard and says that she will forgive him if he stops now, he is stunned. But between Nessa, Daw, and Mythal, he yields and binds himself to the veil he sought to tear down, because the situation had changed and the world was not threatened by the inevitable erosion of his prison releasing the Evanuris and possibly the blight.
He was not aware of Nessa and Daw's arrangement, and so feels very guilty until they tell him about it (he still feels guilty, but he no longer pulls away from Nessa). He spends weeks to months at a time in the deep Fade helping the Titans, then returns to the lighthouse for a few weeks to recover. Nessa and Revas have settled in the lighthouse, as has Daw, and over time Nessa and Daw fell in with each other.
Morrigan and Kieran also live in the lighthouse (technically others do as well, but they are not as central to Nessa, so I'll leave that for Daw's post). However, Solas is essentially walking on eggshells around Nessa, so deep in his layered guilt. Eventually she has to confront him about it—the how is still being developed—and she makes it clear that she knows everything he did, and everything he threatened to do, and all the ways he's hurt her. She has forgotten none of it. But she has chosen him, and chosen this; and each time he left, she chose him, and chose this, again. And she did so deliberately, with full knowledge of the risk she was taking.
