Yesterday, my mother called me homeless. It did come from a place of honest concern about my spiritual well-being. Almost a year and a half ago, I decided to take a break from my denomination, the New-Apostolic Church. It was not an easy decision for this Church had been my life for the majority of my conscious existence. I sang in every choir. I read the Bible vividly. I went to service every Wednesday and Sunday with little exception. When it was announced two and a half years ago that women could now be ordained in our denomination, everyone in my family was excited that my wish, my calling as I felt it at that time, could become true. And then, it didn't happen. Granted, I am young and I am not the most financially stable person since I still receive government's student funding. Still, over the span of a year, I felt more and more the question arise in me: If someone would ask me today, would I say yes? Could I say yes to this Church that went through so many dark times? Due to therapy, it came to pass me how much my church had actually hurt me. I was always quick to "forgive" others, swallowed everything down, yet for myself I had only contempt for the slightest of faults. I didn't expect to live past 20 because I was sure that Jesus would return before and that freaked me out. In elementary school, I told everyone that they would fall and stay behind for a terrible time if they didn't turn to Jesus. (You can imagine how many friends I had in that class). In a weird way, I was also ragingly homophobic in that time as well because my church gave you the impression that your life can never be fulfilled outside of a heterosexual marriage. (Which made coming to terms with me being bisexual quite interesting...) And come december 2023, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave before I would follow myself down back the path of self-destruction I worked so hard in therapy to overcome. So, I told everyone I would take a break.
I went because I knew that God would be with me. And that is true to this day. In a way, it was because I believed and encountered a God that loves all people regardless of what they are or do that I was able to leave my own extremism. And to a certain extent, I am "homeless" by choice right now. Because I want to find my own faith outside of indoctrination, outside of peer pressure and outside of prejudice. I want to believe for the sake of it and nothing else. Sadly, my intrusive thoughts are not as understanding. And currently, they sway between two opposites: Either I feel the old and known fear of proving by that choice that I am not a good devout Christian because I am not humble enough to succumb my own opinion to "the true faith" (TM) or I fear that everything I ever experienced spiritually and every relationship I still have with Christians is actually just indoctrination and actually, I am just a sell-out who cannot fully commit to leaving because I still believe ~some~ ideas from my church. And that I am actually just someone who profits off of other's hurt and I'm just a spineless centrist who cannot take a stand for anything.
And that is something I cannot really talk about with anyone. So, a long Tumblr post it is.
