#never send

[sweetdreams-and-cruelnightmares]

I've been writing a lot of letters to you, a lot of letters that I will never send

[albertineingomorrah]

A letter I will never send:  

Dear,

Already I am struggling with the conception of this letter.

I do not know if I want to call you Father, Dad or Paul.

Each title seeming either too formal or too familiar based on the context of our relationship.

So I am going to leave it blank and explain instead why I am writing to you.

There are some things which remain unresolved between us.

There are other things that I do not wish to re-hash and dwell in.

I would like to explain what I want from you, and what I hope for those around you.

I wonder if you have kept track of time as I have, if you have not,

It has been over three years now since we have last spoken.

I hope that should prove enough time for us to attempt a conversation like this.

It makes me unhappy to think that you have excluded yourself from certain members of this family, though I understand the actions you took, and have some semblance of sympathy for them- I am speaking specifically about Paul Jr.

He is a man in this world, a father, and in many ways- he is alone.

To be clear, I understand not keeping in touch if you do not trust yourself to remain a constant in his life. If you have rationalized your actions as one of kindness and forethought,

I could respect that.

However, if there is any possibility that it is simply a matter of thinking that he is better off without any contact, you would be mistaken.

Even an occasional phone call would assuage what he feels, which could certainly be described as a deep sense of abandonment.

Even after all these years, he has never stopped hoping you might accept him.

 It could be said that our culture throws it’s sons to the wolves and those boys who become men are who we ultimately throw our daughters to.

I know that your own relationship with your father afflicted you, it is most likely still a pain that you hold close to your heart, so I am left to wonder why you choose to inflict that same acute pain and loss on your only son.

As for me,

I will be candid- I do not wish or hope for any relationship with you.

I do not desire a meeting in which we might discuss the past, nor am I waiting patiently for you to  apologize for your wrongdoings.

I do not normally even give you a second thought as I move through my days.

I have also come to despise things like apologies and promises, I will not say definitively that you played a role in my loathing for them, but I will perhaps give you credit for my enlightenment on the subject.

I do not enjoy the way humans learned these devices in an attempt to manipulate others with the seemingly final quality of these sentiments.

As though to promise something- means that you should find full confidence that an individual WILL follow through on the simple flow of words, which took nothing from someone to speak them, no pound of flesh is taken as collateral.

To apologize is worse, I feel- even more than promises.

I think that an apology is a way for others to circumvent feeling guilty.

It is an ostentatious and socially acceptable way for us to demand that another should not hold us accountable for the actions we have taken against them.

I think it is far more selfless to live with those words stuck in your throat, never being comforted by the obligatory “it’s okay”  that the person receiving the apology is somehow responsible for giving.  

So, I do not want either of these things from you.

But I do want something, and perhaps it’s something that will be hard to achieve.

I want you to love your new family.

I do not say love lightly, either.

Because I do believe you loved us, in your own way.

You loved us drunkenly, angrily, desperately and painfully.

You loved us always expecting something in return.

You fed us your poison because it was all you knew and it was all you had.

To you, it was like cool water, offered to a dying man in the desert.

To us, it burned down our throats and lit a fire in our bellies, left to blaze on long after you had fallen asleep in the backyard, or in the garage or as I cleaned the broken glass from the kitchen floor.  

However, as I said before, I do not want to dwell in what has already happened

I hope only to impress upon you what it means to love others the way you have.

To let you know that though am sad that my own childhood is not what it should have been, that you have been given another chance to do the right thing.

To hold yourself to a new standard, and to learn to love others in a way that will keep them intact.

That would be worth more than any apology or promise.

I wish you the best in health,

home and happiness.

-

 Genevieve

[burn-this-world]

My niece still asks me where you are And when she'll see you next I don't know what to say to that? You were such a big part of my life and my family You left an unfillable hole on all of us We wish you stayed. I wonder if I left that same mark on you and your family

A letter I'll never send (89)

[astronomywalls]

verbalizando

eu amo ele, de formas possíveis de escrever, e por favor, sentir. 

amar, beijar, gritar, sorrir com os olhos e com a boca, enroscar seu corpo no meu, rolar, perder a noção do tempo se perdendo completamente em seus olhos, olhar, ver seu sorriso completar o meu, beijar de novo, bater em você de levinho para não, brigar por motivos idiotas e depois, gargalhar.

do verbo ser, eu sou louca por você.

do verbo você, eu, você, eu, você, eu

do verbo amar

é que todos os verbos do mundo não cabem dentro do nosso "ser" pensante.

do verbo acabar.

                                                             camila paredes.

[whathappensinadops]

The Email I Write Every Single Day... But Never Send

[sleepy-jean-23]

A letter I will never send..

Dear Sir,

I wish I could explain to you - just how much you inspire me. There are so many things I do, and I try ever so hard, just because maybe one day you will come back and notice these things. I've always struggled with maths, yet you excel at it, so I try so hard so that one day you might notice, and guess what? I'm making you proud - I'm succeeding with numbers for the first  time in my life, so thank you. I got stuck in a horrible relationship, and yes, it was never meant to be, I wanted to distract myself from you. But then I got trapped and I couldn't get out. But I look at you, it's been a while since you broke up with your fiancée, and you're surviving. I think I will also be able to survive on my own for a bit - because I look to you and see how well you are doing by yourself. We shouldn't be by ourselves you know, we should be together. But you live so far away and I wonder if you'll ever come back home to see me again. I worry that you have forgotten about me, but on the occasion that you do come back you always look so pleased to see me, so happy. I can see it in your eyes, they scare me at times how much I can understand you just from staring into them. I'm worried my eyes might be telling a similar story and perhaps you are scared of that. I can't be here for much longer I need to move on with my life. If I go, will you find me? I want to tell you so many things, I want to know everything about you. For so long I didn't want anyone to know anything about me, but I do now - I want you to know who I am, and why I am like this. I told you I'd miss you and you said that couldn't be true, but I do, I really do. All I hope is that maybe you might miss me, even just a little it.

Regards,

Cinderella.

[family-jules-blog]