#newer testament

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 16

1  Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. The first use of a recurring biblical trope: barren women who were desperate for children. The MEN were never at fault for the lack of children, but that’s totally not mysogenistic crap because bible Jesus magic reasons. Some will suggest that Hagar was a servant that was gifted to Abram and Sarai during their infamous trip to Egypt. There’s no evidence to actually support this other than the two words “the Egyptian” but since that’s the level the apologists ALWAYS operate on, she totally, definitely, absolutely, indisputably, unquestionably, incontestably, unarguably did. And acting like this isn’t an inexorably true fact is oh so very silly. Guess why? Yup. Bible Jesus magic reasons. When will you people learn that we don’t need actual evidence to infer things from a few sparse words? Just roll with it heathens!

2  And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. 3  And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. *Ahem* Ok. I have a few questions:

Is this the same bible that the religious zealots use to proudly proclaim the “sanctity of marriage”? It is? Wow. The doublethink is strong with these idiots.

Why Hagar? Remember how Abram had literally hundreds of servants? Are we supposed to think (as I’m sure many people do automatically) that Hagar was Sarai’s SERVANT? Singular. As in the only one. I find that doubtful. And if YOU can use the words “the Egyptian” to infer a relationship between this woman and a previous story, I’m gonna use the evidence of Abram’s hoard of servants to suggest that Sarai had quite a few of her own. So why did she pick Hagar? If Sarai HAD got Hagar during her “inspection of the Pharaoh’s Sphinx” (*cough cough*) is it possible that the two of them had a sexual history, and Sarai therefore felt comfortable sharing her with Abram? Seems just as logical as the other things being inferred here, so why not?   

Why in holy hell would GOD allow this to go down? Assuming all the nonsense in the bible is literally true, and If God knows everything, why would he directly cause the union that would result in a never ending war? Consider that the problem here is a DIRECT result of God interfering with human existence. It literally says “the Lord hath restrained me”, so you can’t even use your typical tactic of ascribing all good things to God and all bad things to his nasty counterpart. God caused this. And if He hadn’t stuck His all powerful nose in, there wouldn’t be any need for this situation to occur. Imagine an arsonist who wants to be thanked for extinguishing his own fire. God interacts JUST enough to CAUSE a problem so that he can come swooping in like superman set things right. He’s a doctor that purposefully makes his patients sick so that he can be their savior when they’re in need of the cure. With the notable difference that God doesn’t seem to actually offer real cures for anything. He gives you inoperable cancer, and “cures” it with some multivitamins and painkillers. If he was a doctor, he’d be a terrible one. And if your doctor acted like this, you’d seriously worry about their mental health, and rightly so. But God gets a pass. Wanna guess why? Bible Jesus magic again!           

4  And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. 5  And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. 6  But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. Here we see evidence of the first soap-opera blueprint. Fascinating. Especially when you consider that Abram is the first Old Testament God/Jesus character. He left his home to go to a strange land, just like Jesus. He sacrifices his son, fathers a “holy people”, pioneers the whole “faith” thing... he’s very literally the beta version of Jesus. And here he can’t be bothered to ensure the just treatment of a servant. Just like Jesus. He sits back and lets an innocent person be treated with cruelty, just like Jesus. He sanctions unfair treatment at the hands of a vindictive adversary, to someone who only ended up in her predicament BECAUSE OF HIS DIRECT INVOLVEMENT WITH HER, and passively allows her to be treated with cruelty. Just. Like. Jesus.

7  And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. 8  And he said, “Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? And whither wilt thou go?” And she said, “I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.” 9  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. 10  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude. 11  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the Lord hath heard thy affliction. 12  And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. 13  And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me? 14  Wherefore the well was called Beer–lahai–roi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered. More visions of angels. Spiritual beings interfering in human existence. Question: Why exactly do we not have regular visitations from angelic beings anymore? Consider that if this woman was Egyptian, she wouldn’t necessarily have believed in Yahweh. That’s the assumption of everyone reading the damn book, because they think EVERYONE is exactly like them. It’s the same thing when Americans just assume the rest of the world is exactly like America, interested in American politics and American news and American Americana. It’s navel gazing stupidity. And we have a recorded conversation, that transpired AGAIN with no witnesses. So Hagar returns to Abram and says 

“I like totally met your God out in the wilderness, and he like told me some stuff about like, to come back here and stuff. He also like told me some of that “exceedingly great seed” stuff about me and my son. You know, just like you’re always going on about. Multitudes of seed or whatever. So like don’t be mean to me, because that sky wizard has heard my cries of affliction! He’s totally looking out for me. Ok? Ok.”

And that seems legit, right? Suuuuuure. Totally believable. Wanna guess why that pile of crap is believable? Go ahead. Guess. Bible. Jesus. Magic. Boom.

15  And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16  And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram. Final note here: If you follow the genealogies listed out in their boring but excruciating detail in Genesis 11, Abram would have had to be at least 135 years old at the birth of Ishmael. Not 75 years old, as this verse suggests. But the bible is internally consistent. Because why? Say it with me: Bible.... Jesus... Magic.   

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 15

1 After these things the word of the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward. God gives Abram mad props for his pious display in front of the magic priest king man Melchizedek, and tells him not to worry about giving up all the plunder, because He totally has Abram’s back. It doesn’t explain why he would be worried in the first place, because he was a rich man at the BEGINNING of the story. Let’s just shrug off that obvious logical blunder and plod on. I sense the rest of this story is going to be a cornucopia of nonsense, so we’ll have a lot to get through.

2  And Abram said, Lord God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus? 3  And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir. He can't believe he’s going to have to leave all his vast wealth to a man from Damascus, instead of his own children. Because people that aren’t from this special bloodline are less than people. But that’s not disturbing at all because God God Jesus God Reasons Magic God ShutUpWithYourLogicYouHeretic!!! Notice that Abram isn’t happy with God’s repeated assertions that have no backing evidence. He is an old man, and God has promised to make him the father of a master race (which totally is different from that Hitler idea that is exactly the same in every way because God said it was ok), but he has no children. Abram wants more than empty words, which we’ll soon find out is a BAD thing? Asking for proof leads to trouble. Bible lessons 101. 4  And, behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir. 100% literal translation: “You won’t have to leave your money to that commoner, who is obviously beneath you and doesn’t deserve any of your wealth! You’re going to crap out a butt baby from your intestines.” It’s actually saying that it will be his own son that he loves, as the seat of emotions in those days was the bowels. It’s like saying “your ACTUAL son, that you love with all your heart, will be your heir.” But for strict biblical literalists... well... I guess they think God is going to bring one of Abram’s turds to life.  5  And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be. This song and dance again? Look at the stars Simba! The great master race of the future looks down on us from those stars. So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you, and so will I. Now go kill that guy for picking up a stick on Saturday. I have spoken. 6  And he believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness. Belief is not a moral action. This is yet ANOTHER example of the bible attempting to validate itself in an illogical way, to instill fear into those reading it. If belief is righteousness, than disbelief is wickedness. It attempts to make the simple act of doubting a “sin.” When this nonsense is taught to children, it subtly programs their brains to accept that trust in God is automatically good, and questioning God is automatically bad. Now where have I heard that before? *cough* mind pattern programing *cough* cult psycology *cough* it’s exactly the was dictators and despots keep their subjects in line *cough cough* never question the great leader *cough*... Sorry... scratchy throat. Now where HAVE I heard that before? Nevermind. So, there’s another issue I’d like to bring up here that is a MAJOR problem in religion. The recycling of bad arguments. The apostle Paul cites this verse multiple times (Romans 4, verses 3, 9, and 22, Galatians 3:6, James 2:23) as EVIDENCE of justification by faith. The assertion is made, unchallenged, and therefore accepted as viable evidence of reality. Simply because Moses wrote that God said “Faith = Awesome” does not make that a reality. Citing that as hard evidence to a further claim you’re attempting to make is automatically fallacious reasoning.

“Say, Bob, did you know that cats can fly?” “Really Jim? How? I’ve never seen a flying cat Jim.” “That’s really not important Bob. Just trust me. Cats can fly.” “Well, I guess I’ll just chose to believe you Jim.” “Excellent choice Bob. Because belief is clearly a choice.” *Months later, Jim throws a cat over a roof with a cat-apult (*snicker*) and tells Bob that his beliefs have been vindicated! Just look at the evidence! Decades later, a scientist uses Jim’s belief in flighted cats, and Bob’s support of that belief to write a law saying all cat owners must get their cat’s wings clipped, or they’ll be shot for international super-treason or something. Cats don’t have wings, so all cat owners are killed. Dogs everywhere high five and sip their tennis ball flavored martinis. In a surprise MNightShamalablahmanon twist ending, Jim was really a dog in an elaborate disguise all along!

7  And he said unto him, I am the Lord that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it. In case you forgot, let me remind you again. Apparently people in bible times all had severe short term memory loss and needed to be told the same things over and over. “Hey, remember this land I gave you twice already...? Guess what? I brought you here to give it to you. Neat, huh?” Ownership of THIS land is super-duper important for some reason. You’d think God would tell Abram that owning land isn’t really something he should strive for, as it is ultimately materialistic and not a very high minded obsession to have. But He never does.  Instead, He continues to tell Abram that he’s God’s favorite, and that Abram’s kids will totally OWN this patch of earth just because God said so. Abram is the father of the Prosperity Gospel here, and God encourages him EVERY step of the way. Not a very godlike thing to do, but we should expect no less from this character. It fits with everything else He’s done so far.

8  And he said, Lord God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? Again, Abram is a BAD believer, because he’s asking for confirmation. This is actually something believers should do a little more. Ask for confirmation. Make sure the things you believe are grounded in reality. It’s a radical idea, I know. Thousands of years later, it’s still kind of seen as a fringe idea within the religious community at large. I’m hoping it becomes more mainstream in the future. 9  And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. “You want proof? Kill some animals for me. I don’t just give proof for free! I need to see something suffer and die first. Get with the program Abram!” 10  And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not. Abram kills a cow, a goat, and a sheep and splits them into pieces. Why? Well, because this is an ancient ritualistic custom. Here’s how it works: Two people make an agreement. They slice animals in half, and then walk between the separated halves to symbolically affirm that the same should happen to them if they break their end of the bargain. This ritual is also mentioned in Jeremiah 34. Sounds like the perfect thing for a timeless, eternal, all powerful being to endorse and participate in, right?  11  And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away. 12  And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him. In essence, Abram is unsure if he can trust the voices in his head about getting this land for his posterity, so he sets up a primitive version of a contract and waits - fully expecting God to physically appear and “sign” it by walking through the dead animals with him. But God doesn’t show, and he spends the day shooing away vultures from the rotting carcasses until he FALLS ASLEEP. That’s right. As with ALL proof offered by believers, the justification for it is 100% in his mind. Nothing happened to the dead animals. God didn’t physically appear. Abram asked for evidence and got NONE, so he made some up in his own head while he slept. For some reason, believers don’t balk at this. I’ll never understand why. There’s another minor thing to address here. I’ve seen it postulated by more than a few apologists that God put Abram to sleep BECAUSE there was no promise on Abram’s part, and he didn’t need to walk through the dead animals. As if that makes a lick of sense. The argument that real proof wasn't offered, just something in his sleeping mind, because of a technicality in the contract. God couldn’t show up physically and offer real proof, because Abram didn’t owe him anything. How does that make any sense at all?       13  And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years; 14  And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance. 15  And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age. 16  But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full. All written down after the fact, by someone who wasn’t there. The words of God in a dream are recorded IN QUOTES by someone writing in generations later, after the supposed promises and prophesy made by God have already come to pass. How very convenient. 17  And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces. Ok, so there’s two options here. Verse 12 says, “And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram,” so he is asleep here. Did the smoking furnace and burning lamp pass through the dead animals in his dream? Because that’s REALLY stupid. Or, did this even happen physically with no one present to witness it except a sleeping old man - but it’s recorded as an actual event that happened anyway. Because thats somehow even MORE stupid than the first option. Much like the snake in the Garden of Eden, we’re supposed to extrapolate from the story that the furnace and the lamp are symbols of God, just like the Snake was a representation of the Devil. The text doesn’t actually explicitly say this, and there’s no reason to automatically jump to that conclusion, but the apologists are going to jump anyway. It’s their nature. 18  In the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates: 19  The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites, 20  And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims, 21  And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites. God promises again, without any actual evidence - that he’s going to give the land to Abram’s descendants, AND further promises that they’ll overthrow all the various “Ites” that dwell there. Because Moses wants the people to believe that God said all this. And they do. Without any evidence. And in thousands of years, nothing there has changed. People still believe things, just because someone tells them God said it.  

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 11

1  And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. Genesis 10 already mentions other languages existing. So again, we’re just going to move the timeline around to make these things make sense. Because they have to. So this actually happened BEFORE those languages were invented by God for the purpose of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33: “For God is NOT the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints), because that makes the story make sense to us. Just like the sudden “invention” of many languages allows for a young earth, and literal reading of this nonsense. Suuuuuure....  

2  And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.
 All humanity. Together. Meaning that they’d supposedly JUST made it through the flood, and they’re a pack of hundreds of people that just go everywhere together.
 Just because. 3  And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter. 4  And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. So all of humanity had a meeting and collectively invented bricks, and some sort of slime to hold them together? Just like that? And then they came up with this plan to build a really high tower, because that’s what keeps people together! If there’s not a tall tower, people just naturally drift apart, right? They also needed to make a name for themselves, so all the other people on  earth who totally didn’t exist would know who they were. Because that makes sense.

5  And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
 This summer, Chevey Chase stars as God in the new hit comedy, Babel Vacation: God thought that drowning everyone in the flood would solve all his problems. But now, he’s about to find out that these humans won’t just leave well enough alone! Should he kill them all again, or just make them speak funny? Find out in Babel Vacation, Rated Pg-13. 
 6  And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. Amazing. God is AGAIN threatened by his creation. It’s almost like he’s struggling to stay ONE step ahead of these bumbling monkeys, or they’ll surpass him. Funny how now we have computer programs and apps on our phones that can translate any language. So, we essentially have one language again - for all intents and purposes. And we’re not able to do anything we imagine, and God is curiously absent. You’d think he’d be trying to confuse us again. Weird, isn’t it?

7  Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.
 Occam’s Razor time again. What’s more likely: That groups of humans evolved language in separate places as a means to communicate, and that’s why we have all the different dialects we see today, or that God felt threatened by a tower being built that couldn’t possibly be anywhere near as big as some of the giant structures we’ve built since, so he waved his magic God wand and made everyone’s tongue not work good no more?

8  So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9  Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth. The stupidity level is so high… This idiocy is ignoring the fundamental nature of what language is and how it functions. Besides that, has anyone ever tried to preform a task with someone who didn’t speak the same language? Because I have, and it’s not impossible. You’d be able to quickly develop a joint means of communication to accomplish your goal. Which is why this is all backwards. Language is a human invention to make communication possible. This story suggests that communication was hindered because, somehow, the language that had been learned suddenly was thrown into chaos. Now, the name Babel is linked to a Hebrew word, meaning “to confuse”, so they’re really big with naming things ON THE NOSE, just like Nimrod. The place where Able was killed should have been called Jealousy Stabbing Fields. The mountain where Noah’s Ark landed should have been Mt. Animal Boat Dock. The Garden of Eden should have been called Oops Wrong Fruit Land.      

10  These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:
So then Shem was an infant when God told Noah to build the Ark. That means they would have had even LESS man power and it’s even LESS likely that they would have been able to build the boat in that amount of time. If Noah’s kids were that young, Noah would have had to start the construction on the ark himself. Or maybe with just his wife. So somehow this is now even less likely than totally impossible. That’s kind of fun.

11  And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
No, because God said they couldn’t live more than 120 years.
 12  And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:
You’re not listening. God said man couldn’t live this long.
 13  And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters. 14  And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber: 15  And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters. 16  And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg: 17  And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters. 18  And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu: 19  And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters. 20  And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug: 21  And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters. 22  And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor: 23  And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters. 24  And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah: 25  And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.
 Begetting….. Begetting…. Begetting…. Ok. The lives are getting shorter, and they’re having kids in their 30’s instead of their 200’s. But they’re all still living to be well over 120. Weird how they seem to be dying younger and younger. Kind of like God learned how to scale something down gradually. He certainly wasn’t capable of doing that before. Props God. 
 26  And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran. ABRAM! Whooooohooo! New section! Finally!

27  Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot. 28  And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees. 29  And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah. 30  But Sarai was barren; she had no child. 31  And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there. 32  And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran. More names of who beget who, and reminders that EVERYONE here is related and all of their relationships are gross. Yay Bible!

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 10

1  Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood. 2  The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras. 3  And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah. 4  And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. 5  By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.
 So from Noah, to Japheth, to Gomer and Javan, to their children. A mere two generations from the flood we have the mention of multiple tongues.
 6  And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan. 7  And the sons of Cush; Sea, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtecha: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan. 8  And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. 9  He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord. 10  And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Clan, in the land of Shinar. Here we have Noah to Ham, to Cush, to Nimrod. And this is where the Lord supposedly confuses the languages. So we’re supposed to believe that within TWO generations from Noah’s flood, a bunch of languages emerge simultaneously because God LITERALLY reconfigured the brains of everyone on earth? That has some staggering implications. Interesting point: The name Nimrod in Hebrew literally means rebel, and the phrase “mighty hunter before the Lord” is interpreted by some as “in the face of the Lord” or “in opposition to the Lord”. It speaks not of his ability to hunt wild game, but to hunt men. He was a warrior. A Jerusalem Targum (which is an ancient Aramaic paraphrase or interpretation of the Hebrew Bible) says “He was powerful in hunting, and in wickedness before the Lord, he was a hunter of the sons of men, and he said to them, “Depart from the judgment of the Lord and adhere to the judgment of Nimrod!” Kind of seems like a stereotypical storybook villain, which is kind of his roll in the bible. A bit on the nose, don’t you think? It’s like if you saw a guy rob a bank, and his name was Steely McBank-Robber.      

11  Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah, 12  And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city. 13  And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Animal, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim, 14  And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim. 15  And Canaan begat Sidon his firstborn, and Heth, 16  And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite, 17  And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite, 18  And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad. 19  And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha. 20  These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations. 21  Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born. 22  The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram. 23  And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash. 24  And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber. 25  And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan. 26  And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah, 27  And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah, 28  And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba, 29  And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan. 30  And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east. 31  These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations. 32  These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood. Nothing more to add here really. This is just a list of the descendants of Noah.

[stevejehovahbible]

Chapter 4: Concerning the Tower of Babylon, and the confusion of Tongues. by: Flavius Josephus

Now the sons of Noah were three, Shem and Japhet, and Ham, born one hundred years before the deluge. These first of all descended from the mountains into the plains, and fixed their habitation there; and persuaded others, who were greatly afraid of the lower grounds on account of the flood, and so were very loth to come down from the higher places, to venture to follow their examples. What “Others”? We’re talking about a mere 2 generations removed from EVERYONE being dead. The only people alive who would remember the flood would also have (supposedly) heard God directly promise not to wipe out the inhabitants of the earth. So why would the be afraid?  

Now the plain, in which they first dwelt, was called Shinar. God also commanded them to send colonies abroad, for the through peopling of the earth; that they might not raise seditions among themselves, but might cultivate a great part of the earth, and enjoy its fruits after a plentiful manner.  Again… 2 generations. That’s it. Lets say that the three sons of Noah each had 50 children and those 150 children all paired up and each pair had ANOTHER 50 children… just for the sake of showing how utterly ridiculous this is! We still have a worldwide population of under 4000 people. And that’s assuming no one has died. More realistically, we’d be talking about a population that barely reached into triple digits, and God is supposedly telling them send out colonies? And why is it important to God that these people spread out? Why would He care if they chose to hang around one area?    

But they were so ill instructed, that they did not obey God. For which reason they fell into calamities, and were made sensible by experience of what sin they had been guilty of. For when they flourished with a numerous youth, God admonished them again to send out colonies. But they imagining the prosperity they enjoyed was not derived from the favor of God, but supposing that their own power was the proper cause of the plentiful condition they were in, did not obey him. God JUST killed everyone and everything on earth, and people are ALREADY ignoring him? This makes it sound like He is PHYSICALLY speaking to them as a group, and for some reason they are choosing to ignore a Cosmic Superbeing that had very recently displayed His ability to punish people en masse if they displeased Him. Does that make any sense? No it does not.  

Nay, they added to this their disobedience to the Divine Will: the suspicion that they were therefore ordered to send out separate colonies, that, being divided asunder, they might the more easily be oppressed. So, they are willfully defying this Supreme Being because they believe that spreading out will make them easier to oppress? And I guess the idea is that if all of them band together in one area, they would be able to defy God? It's making them sound like a bunch of disgruntled employees forming a union to combat unfair working practices. Like god is just a bad manager.  

Now it was Nimrod who excited them to such an affront and contempt of God. He was the grand-son of Ham, the son of Noah: a bold man, and of great strength of hand. He persuaded them not to ascribe it to God, as if it was through His means that they were happy; but to believe that it was their own courage which procured that happiness. He also gradually changed the government into tyranny; seeing no other way of turning men from the fear of God, but to bring them into a constant dependence on his own power. He also said, “He would be revenged on God, if He should have a mind to drown the world again: for that he would build a Tower too high for the waters to be able to reach; and that he would avenge himself on God for destroying their fore-fathers.” This is two contradictory ideas blended together as if they’re compatible. If Nimrod is trying to get the people to trust in their own power, making them dependent on him is counterproductive. This is one of those strawman assertions that we see thrown about by believers in reference to atheists: That they don’t want to worship God because they just want to supplant Him. Although they hate God, they want to BE their own God. I think we should start referring to this as the Nimrod Fallacy. It makes no sense. If Nimrod actually believed that mankind were the masters of their own fate, that God had no hand in it, then he wouldn’t be able to be angry at God for destroying the world. You can’t assert that God has no influence in the world, AND simultaneously that He’s had a negative influence. either God is responsible, or he isn’t. We’ve also got a few issues with the details here. Remember, the mountains were supposedly covered. So they think they're going to make a tower that reaches over 17000 feet? Currently, the world's tallest artificial structure is the 2,722 ft tall Burj Khalifa in Dubai. The building gained the official title of "Tallest Building in the World" and the tallest self supported structure at its opening on January 9, 2010. So they were going to build a structure 6 and a half times the size of the tallest building on earth, as a small tribe of a few hundred people, using bricks and slime? Suuuuuuuuure….  And if they believe in God, and the story of the flood has been handed down to them, then they should also know that God promised NOT to flood the earth again. So this entire task seems unnecessary. And how exactly would building this impossible tower “avenge” them on God? Are they going to climb it, waltz into heaven, and deliver a beatdown to a metaphysical being? None of this makes even a smidgen of sense.      

Now the multitude were very ready to follow the determination of Nimrod, and to esteem it a piece of cowardice to submit to God: and they built a Tower; neither sparing any pains, nor being in any degree negligent about the work. And, by reason of the multitude of hands employed in it, it grew very high, sooner than any one could expect. But the thickness of it was so great, and it was so strongly built, that thereby its great height seemed, upon the view, to be less than it really was. What?!? firstly, There’s not a “multitude of hands” here. That’s not possible. This is Noah’s grandson, remember. I’m also pretty sure that things being very thick and “strongly built” dosn’t make them look noticeably shorter. You’re just saying that as if it’s a thing, and it’s not. “That tower was totally like 12000ft high. We were almost up to the mountain tops where we could use the secret hatch in the clouds to get into heaven and punch God in his stupid face for drowning everyone. Really. But the tower was thick, so it only looked like about 600ft. You know how that goes, ammiright?”  

It was built of burnt brick, cemented together with morter, made of bitumen; that it might not be liable to admit water. When God saw that they acted so madly, he did not resolve to destroy them utterly; since they were not grown wiser by the destruction of the former sinners: but he caused a tumult among them, by producing in them diverse languages; and causing, that through the multitude of those languages, they should not be able to understand one another. When God saw how CRAZY they were... building a tower, which i guess is right next to writing on the walls with your own feces in crazyville... He messes with their minds and causes them to speak differently. Because that’s still the best thing He can come up with.    The place wherein they built the Tower is now called Babylon: because of the confusion of that language which they readily understood before: for the Hebrews mean by the word Babel, Confusion. The Sibyll also makes mention of this tower, and of the confusion of the language when she says thus: “When all men were of one language, some of them built an high tower, as if they would thereby ascend up to heaven. But the Gods sent storms of wind, and overthrew the tower, and gave every one his peculiar language. And for this reason it was that the city was called Babylon.” But as to the plain of Shinar, in the country of Babylonia, Hestiæus mentions it, when he says thus, “Such of the Priests as were saved took the sacred vessels of Jupiter Enyalius, and came to Shinar of Babylonia.” In heathen antiquity, the Sibyl was a prophetess whose oracles concerned the destinies of cities and nations. In the Jewish Sibylline books, the religion of Israel is presented as a hope and a threat; a menace to those who refuse to follow the better life, a promise of salvation to those who repent. In a book known as the Fourth Book of the Sibylline Oracles, the Sibyl, in the guise of a prophetess, tells of the doom of those who resist the will of the one true God, praises the God of Israel, and holds out a beautiful prospect to the faithful. So his source here is a fortune teller. Seems legit.

[noanswersingenesis]

Legends of the Flood Jan 30, 2014

Critics claim the Bible’s account borrows from earlier myths. But it’s the other way around.

Have you ever told a story only to have it come back to you after several tellings and it has become so altered as to be almost unrecognizable? That happened to Noah and his family. No, it didn’t.

The year-long Flood was a life-changing event. When the eight survivors walked off the Ark, they carried a common account. Japheth likely told his son, Gomer, the account, Gomer passed it down to Ash-ke-naz, and he to his son. Shem and Ham probably did the same. If the details changed, Noah was still alive to correct them and the account likely remained pretty much true to fact. Likely...probably...maybe...could be... These are not the words of someone looking for factual evidence. Again Ken, you seem to have this problem where you think that whatever you imagine in your soft soft head is true just because you thought of it.   A major exhibit on the numerous Flood legends will be showcased inside our full-sized Ark at the Ark Encounter. Well, that should be enlightening.

Then came the Tower of Babel, where God scrambled the common language, forcing men to spread out across the whole earth. Genesis 10 has men speaking different languages BEFORE the story of Babel. And the details of the story wouldn’t be so throughly changed just because of language. That’s an idiotic assertion.

The Flood account went with them, but without its original biblical figures on hand to correct errors, the details changed, and changed, and changed. The Ark became a canoe, or a mountain top. The length of the Flood became just a few days in some of the stories. So what you’re saying is, without DIRECT witnesses, we can’t trust a story that’s been passed down by word of mouth and copied by hand over and over? Good. I’m glad we agree on something.    Today, over 270 cultures retain distant memories of that “life-changing event.” The details have been lost, but most of the legends share common themes: Man became corrupt; the Flood was worldwide; eight people survived; representatives of all land animals were saved; a dove was released to seek dry land; the survivors came down from a mountain to re-populate the whole world, and so on. And the mythical account that all of these MYTHS seems to have been based on is The Epic of Gilgamesh, not the bible. It’s widely understood that they’re not factual.

Critics claim the Bible’s account borrows from earlier myths. But it’s the other way around. Lol. No. You can’t claim that something borrowed from something that didn’t exist when it was written.   We know the Bible is the only true account, and thus the reason the Flood stories use names similar to the Bible’s is because they are borrowing from God’s Word. That’s why Noah-like names such as Nu-u, Nu-Wah, Noh, Nos, and Nuh are preserved in so many of the Flood legends. Ah! Begging the question! False cause! Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy! Personal incredulity! Bravo Ken. A glut of logical fallacies. Let’s ALL start with our conclusions and work backwards, ignore data unless it supports our assertions, and make up illogical reasons for things we don’t understand. Such science. Utnapishtim, Zi-ud-sura, Dwyfan and Dwyfach, and many others don’t have a similar name either Ken. Just saying.  

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 9

1  And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. 2  And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. 3  Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. God now gives Noah and his sons the same command he gave Adam, to “be fruitful and multiply”. This draws an obvious comparison between God’s original creation, and Noah’s “Creation 2.0″ if you will. And now that God has tasted blood, He want’s more. Before His genocidal worldwide cleansing, everyone and everything was supposedly a vegetarian and everything lived in happy fun times harmony! Now that He’s murdered a bunch of people, He decrees that mankind can kill too. And animals for some reason. They were fine just eating plants before, but now God has decided that they should kill each other for food. Because reasons.      4  But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. “But NO blood. You’re not vampires! You can kill them and eat their flesh, but make sure there’s no blood or I’m gonna be super pissed.” This is the beginning of the biblical God’s OBSESSION with blood. Throughout the Bible we're going to see this idea that blood is special or powerful. We’re told by biblical scholars and apologists that the reason for this is symbolism. Blood symbolically represents life, while the shedding of blood represents death. I’m unclear as to why the symbolic representation of something should effect its use or the moral implications surrounding it. The thing to remember here is that, according to this book, God is the one making the rules. He’s the one deciding that shedding of blood is important and necessary for the forgiveness of sins. He’s the one asking for ritualistic sacrifice. He COULD have made sins forgivable by bear-hugs. Or good deeds. Or something beneficial. But instead He chose to write the rules so that the only way to gain forgiveness is the shedding of someone or something else's blood. Not even YOUR OWN blood. The blood of something else. Kind of messed up God.     5  And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man. 6  Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man. Anyone else see the irony in this edict being handed down DIRECTLY after God slaughters a bunch of people? Again, this is the best law that God can come up with? An eye for an eye? And we are asked to believe an unchanging God somehow changes his mind on this later? In Mathew 5:38-39, Jesus says “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” So why was God unable to hand this message down to Noah? Could it be that maybe, just MAYBE, this was all made up by the people writing it, and had nothing to do with any God? Occam's Razor would say yes.   7  And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. You said that already in this SAME chapter! Why do you insist on repeating yourself? 

8  And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 9  And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; 10  And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. God was ALREADY speaking to Noah. Why are we told, In the middle of God talking to him that He’s speaking to him? More bad writing from God. This is the first of six biblical covenants, initiated by God and described as “everlasting”. We have The Noahic Covenant, The Abrahamic Covenant, The Mosaic (or Old) Covenant, The Priestly Covenant, The Davidic Covenant, and The New Covenant. This is kind of like seeing a couple that keeps revising and updating their prenuptial agreement. You’d think He could have gotten it right the first time.    

11  And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. “Sorry for my freak out honey. I promise never to attack you with a meat cleaver and brutally slaughter all of our children again.” Oh joy. 12  And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: 13  I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. 14  And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: 15  And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16  And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. 17  And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth. Your token of not killing everyone is a rainbow? Ok. Sure. But you know that rainbows aren’t set in clouds, right? Kind of like stars aren’t set in the sky. Rainbows are caused by reflection, refraction and dispersion of light in water droplets. Not God smelling burnt animals. And why exactly does God need a multicolored sticky note in the sky to remind Him not to kill everyone? Someone needs anger management.   18  And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan. Interestingly, some biblical scholars suggest that the reason Cannaan is mentioned is that, at the time Moses was writing this, the Israelites may have been preparing to enter Canaan and dispossess inhabitants of their homes and properties. So, God wanted them to know their enemies’ background. You know, to educate them. It’s not that Moses was inventing “plausible” reasons for why their conquest was totally not a bad thing at all, and God was just peachy with it. No no no. How could you even suggest such a thing?     19  These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread. We know. Because you’ve told us now nine times. Nine times in this same story, you’ve reminded us that they were on the ark. Nine.

20  And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: 21  And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. Tisk tisk tisk... that’s bad. Because remember the rule where God said that... um... well, remember the time that... uh... because back in that one part... wait... Is this actually a problem? I don’t see anything suggesting this would be a problem. 

22  And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. 23  And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. Oh snap! Ham’s in so much trouble! Because remember the rule where God said that... um... well, remember the time that... uh... because back in that one part... wait... Is this actually a problem? I don’t see anything suggesting this would be a problem.  

24  And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. Told his brothers that Dad was naked and passed out drunk. The horror! And younger? I thought we established that Noah had triplets? There’s nothing to suggest ANYTHING inappropriate occurred, or that Ham had anything but the best intentions when informing his brothers. Any implication that Ham was mocking Noah, or that some sort of sexual perversion occurred is simply not found in the actual story.    25  And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Wait... What? That escalated quickly. Can Noah hand out curses? He’s a wizard? Cool. And why then is he cursing Ham’s child instead of Ham? This is simply to establish the legitimacy of Israel's conquest of the Canaanites. Because Noah had cursed them, God’s chosen people were able conquer them with a clean conscience. Isn’t theological nonsense fun?  26  And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. 27  God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. This means that Shem would get the physical blessings of conquering Canaan, and Japheth would inherit spiritual blessings from the God of Shem. Because the line of Shem leads to *drum roll* you guessed it! JESUS CHRIST!   28  And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. 29  And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died. God kind of already said that people couldn’t live more than 120 years. So... why is Noah living to be almost 1000? Did all of his kids and grandchildren and THEIR children all die before Noah?

[noanswersingenesis]

Noah’s Laundromat? - April 25, 2013, Answers In Genesis

It’s likely that Noah planned ahead to include some kind of large washing machine inside the Ark. Is it? Tell me more! This should be good…

In a zoo—mucking out stalls, hauling bales of hay, and carrying feed sacks—you know how quickly you begin to acquire that certain … ahem … earthy aroma. It doesn’t take long for even the freshest clothes to become soiled and smelly. This much is true. Do go on!

Well, Noah and his family worked on a gigantic floating zoo with all the animals to tend to every single day for over a year. By the end of Noah’s work day, imagine how he might have been drenched in sweat and covered with stale hay, and everything else that hard zoo-keeping work entails. Yet when you see some pictures of the Ark and read the associated stories, Noah always seems to be wearing the same fresh wardrobe day after day after day.
 You do realize that those are artistic renderings and not photographs, right?
 Something about this picture doesn’t ring true. Guess not.

Did he, his wife, Shem, Japheth, and Ham, and their wives, each own a couple hundred outfits? Probably not! Isn’t it more likely that Noah planned ahead to include some kind of large washing machine someplace inside the Ark?
 Ummm…. I’m gonna go with no. But I can’t wait to hear your rational for why it makes sense! Lay it on me! 
 Puzzled? These eight people were not many generations removed from God’s “very good” original creation and the genius of the first people (and they lived 800 years or more). Could they not have built a simple but large washing machine? And if they had, what might it have looked like? Here you can indulge your own imagination a little because the Ark will probably never be found for explorers to probe its cavernous interior. You know, because it never existed. That’s why it will probably never be found. I get the feeling i’m being patronized by a christianized Barney the freaking purple dinosaur. “Isn’t using our imaginations fun kids?!?”    

We’re imagining if that industrial grade washing machine is found, it will be right next to—yes—an industrial grade bathtub! These are some of the questions we are exploring as AiG designs exhibits inside a full-size Noah’s Ark in northern Kentucky. There is no facepalm large enough… I’m actually embarrassed for you at this point. I just want to pat your soft soft head and give you a cookie.