The Steve Jehovah Bible

A Newer Testament for a logical world.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 17

1  And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. 2  And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly. 3  And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying, 4  As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations. He’s 99 now, and God is STILL harassing him on a regular basis with this repetitious “we have a contract!” nonsense. I’m gonna guess that He’s gonna follow the blueprint laid out in previous chapters. So lets take a wild guess and  say that God’s gonna say something about: * Making Abram a great nation * Exceeding seed or numerous important descendants or whatever * Restating that this is a contract for “all generations” that follow * “I’m gonna be their God, and they will be my people”, and possibly * Living on and possessing the land, which is supper important for some reason. Lets find out... 5  Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee. So God is renaming people now? That’s new at least. You’d think if there was any credibility to the whole “God is in charge of EVERYTHING” line of crap that He wouldn’t need to rework things. I mean, it’s kind of like bragging that you're a master carpenter who can build things perfectly, but then you have to constantly touch up and adjust everything you make. If you’re so damn good, you should have made it right the FIRST time. But, according to the idiots, God made it perfect AND His upgrades are perfect. They can't wrap their heads around the fact that this is a contradiction. But really, who is surprised by that? The name change in itself is hilarious. He goes from “Exalted Father” (Abram) to “Father Of Multitudes” (Abraham) continuing the bible’s disturbing habit of naming people and things for their characteristics. Not something that generally happens in history, but you will find it ALL THE TIME in fiction.       6  And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee. Called it. We’ve heard this before. Is God repeating it because he figures Abram’s ancient ass has dementia?  7  And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee. 8  And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God. 9  And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations. *ding* *ding* *ding* Are you gonna actually say anything new here God? This is all old news. Not to mention that it’s a lie. If I promise to give you a car, and say that all your children after you will also get a car, then it’s a lie if I fail to deliver a car to HUGE groups of your descendants. This is just another example of uneducated, primitive cultures putting words into the mouth of a supreme Deity that are believed even though all of the available evidence shows them to be human invention.    10  This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised. 11  And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you. Wait... What?!? Ok. Let’s go back to the familiar stuff. I’m sorry for complaining. Let’s stick to the part BEFORE you decided to endorse genital mutilation. If you want to make that particular covenant with someone, there’s a guy named Albert Fish that’s gonna be born in 1870. He’d totally be on board with your sick penis obsession.   12  And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed. 13  He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant. Two things... Firstly, you’re advocating child abuse. That’s what this is. You’re mutilating the genitals of fucking babies. You can’t give a baby tattoos, or piercings, or enter them into legally binding contracts BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING INFANTS. They can’t give consent. So this idiocy fails on multiple levels. I mean, if you don’t accept the lunacy of the religion, it’s just straight up abuse. But even if you accept all the nonsense inherent in the premise, IT STILL FAILS! It’s not their decision, so the symbolic act is rendered meaningless. Secondly, tell me again that God doesn’t endorse slavery you imbecilic apologist assholes. I’m sure there’s a reason why God says something about purchasing human beings TWICE, and doesn’t think to say anything against it. Seriously, you people make me sick.      14  And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. Aaaaallllrighty then. Lets look at this. God is LITERALLY saying that anyone who doesn’t chop off part of his dick should be ostracized from the community as a whole and treated like a pariah. And what is the crime for which they should be treated this way? Rape? Murder? Owning slaves? Nope. It’s not conforming to the group and failing to engage in a symbolic gesture. Because those are God’s priorities. Given the severity of God’s decree, it would be beneficial for parents to force their children into observing this ritual before they’re old enough to give consent or understand the implications of what’s happening to them. Because it’s better to have  your son conform to the actions of an entire group of people observing a symbolic ritual before he’s old enough to understand it, than to have him ostracized and cast out from the group. Because that makes sense, right? Actually, it doesn’t. At all. Unless, of course, your goal is to psychologically manipulate these people and link their personal identity to that of a group before they’re old enough to think clearly. Because this shit has so much in common with how cults work to subtly program and brainwash their followers that it’s goddamn terrifying.             15  And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be. Another new name. Because as soon as God tries something once and likes how it turns out, He’s got to do it again. And again. And again. Please also remember that another hallmark of cults is giving practitioners new names that symbolically link them to the cult and their identity within the cult structure. Nice of God to follow the blueprint so closely.    16  And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her. *ding* again! Doesn't God remind you of that junkie friend you have who keeps promising to get you the $20 you lent him 7 years ago? Every time you see him, he lets you know that he hasn’t forgot about about it, and he’s gonna get you that money just as soon as he can clear his head enough to remember what day of the week it is... Also, God is totally ok with blessing this incestuous relationship. Just because. Don’t think about it.   17  Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear? Remember that historical account that told us about Lincoln’s thoughts when arriving at Ford’s Theater? Or the one about what George Washington was thinking while crossing the Delaware? Me neither. Because history doesn’t record the thoughts, feelings, or internal monologue of the characters it’s describing. Only fiction does that. Regardless, Abraham again displays his ability to logic, which makes him a bad believer. Silly Abraham, facts are for sacrilegious, blasphemous, heretic heathens.       18  And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee! So, even in the thrall of dementia, crazy old Abraham still recognizes that God is  making about as much sense as Donald Trump on bath salts. So he tries to give Him a way out by suggesting that his lovechild with that whiny bitch Hagar might be the heir God is talking about.   19  And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him. Nope. God says that he is definitely going to have a son at the ripe old age of 100. For serious. And remember, this covenant is eternal. Except that some people who want to update it try to use their linguistic bible magic hocus-pocus to make “eternal” mean “how their culture worked back then.” We see evidence, over and over again, of Old Testament laws being very serious to God. He constantly affirms things in stark black and white, reminding us that they’re endless. It’s just that, if modern day Christians followed these laws, they’d be looked at (rightly) as monsters, and many of them would end up in jail. Unless they employed the same tactics they currently use when one of their members does something abhorrent, and just sweep it under the rug and hide the evidence. Which they probably would. But that would be a lot of work. So they just adjust the text to make it say what they want it to say, and transform from Westboro Baptist Church into Atheists that go to a special building one day a week and pretend they believe in a sky wizard that they totally ignore or redraft whenever it’s convenient. At least have the balls to stand behind your abhorrent, illogical bullshit, you spineless hypocrites.           20  And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation. 21  But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year. So God is comfortable dictating and manipulating the future. He outright tells Abraham what to name his son (”he laughs”... you know... because Abraham laughed when God told him about it. Just because) but again, can’t be bothered to intervene in anything that actually matters. He’s very focused on the Soap Opera aspects of reality. What names people have, who’s fucking who, where they live, how many kids they have... but He loses interest when it comes to sickness, poverty, racism, sexism, intolerance, violence, or anything substantial. God gets involved with pointless fluff, picks out his favorites, and consistently helps out those who already have the upper hand. Stellar example you’re setting there big guy.     22  And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham. 23  And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him. In ONE DAY God shows up and talks to Abraham, tells him all this crazy nonsense, and prompts him to grab a knife and cut the foerskin off EVERYONE in his house. All the males of his 300+ slaves.   24  And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. 25  And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin. Not surprisingly, the Bible has ANOTHER issue with the timeline for the bullcrap it’s making up. It says Ishmael is 13 here, but in the story that’s coming up in Genesis 21, it sounds like he’s still a YOUNG child. Like infant young. So he must have temporary Benjamin Button Disease. 26  In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son. 27  And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him. You know that thing we literally just told you a verse ago? Yeah, we figure you must need to have it repeated because you're too stupid to get it the first time. So here it is again.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 16

1  Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. The first use of a recurring biblical trope: barren women who were desperate for children. The MEN were never at fault for the lack of children, but that’s totally not mysogenistic crap because bible Jesus magic reasons. Some will suggest that Hagar was a servant that was gifted to Abram and Sarai during their infamous trip to Egypt. There’s no evidence to actually support this other than the two words “the Egyptian” but since that’s the level the apologists ALWAYS operate on, she totally, definitely, absolutely, indisputably, unquestionably, incontestably, unarguably did. And acting like this isn’t an inexorably true fact is oh so very silly. Guess why? Yup. Bible Jesus magic reasons. When will you people learn that we don’t need actual evidence to infer things from a few sparse words? Just roll with it heathens!

2  And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. 3  And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. *Ahem* Ok. I have a few questions:

Is this the same bible that the religious zealots use to proudly proclaim the “sanctity of marriage”? It is? Wow. The doublethink is strong with these idiots.

Why Hagar? Remember how Abram had literally hundreds of servants? Are we supposed to think (as I’m sure many people do automatically) that Hagar was Sarai’s SERVANT? Singular. As in the only one. I find that doubtful. And if YOU can use the words “the Egyptian” to infer a relationship between this woman and a previous story, I’m gonna use the evidence of Abram’s hoard of servants to suggest that Sarai had quite a few of her own. So why did she pick Hagar? If Sarai HAD got Hagar during her “inspection of the Pharaoh’s Sphinx” (*cough cough*) is it possible that the two of them had a sexual history, and Sarai therefore felt comfortable sharing her with Abram? Seems just as logical as the other things being inferred here, so why not?   

Why in holy hell would GOD allow this to go down? Assuming all the nonsense in the bible is literally true, and If God knows everything, why would he directly cause the union that would result in a never ending war? Consider that the problem here is a DIRECT result of God interfering with human existence. It literally says “the Lord hath restrained me”, so you can’t even use your typical tactic of ascribing all good things to God and all bad things to his nasty counterpart. God caused this. And if He hadn’t stuck His all powerful nose in, there wouldn’t be any need for this situation to occur. Imagine an arsonist who wants to be thanked for extinguishing his own fire. God interacts JUST enough to CAUSE a problem so that he can come swooping in like superman set things right. He’s a doctor that purposefully makes his patients sick so that he can be their savior when they’re in need of the cure. With the notable difference that God doesn’t seem to actually offer real cures for anything. He gives you inoperable cancer, and “cures” it with some multivitamins and painkillers. If he was a doctor, he’d be a terrible one. And if your doctor acted like this, you’d seriously worry about their mental health, and rightly so. But God gets a pass. Wanna guess why? Bible Jesus magic again!           

4  And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. 5  And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the Lord judge between me and thee. 6  But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. Here we see evidence of the first soap-opera blueprint. Fascinating. Especially when you consider that Abram is the first Old Testament God/Jesus character. He left his home to go to a strange land, just like Jesus. He sacrifices his son, fathers a “holy people”, pioneers the whole “faith” thing... he’s very literally the beta version of Jesus. And here he can’t be bothered to ensure the just treatment of a servant. Just like Jesus. He sits back and lets an innocent person be treated with cruelty, just like Jesus. He sanctions unfair treatment at the hands of a vindictive adversary, to someone who only ended up in her predicament BECAUSE OF HIS DIRECT INVOLVEMENT WITH HER, and passively allows her to be treated with cruelty. Just. Like. Jesus.

7  And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. 8  And he said, “Hagar, Sarai's maid, whence camest thou? And whither wilt thou go?” And she said, “I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.” 9  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands. 10  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, I will multiply thy seed exceedingly, that it shall not be numbered for multitude. 11  And the angel of the Lord said unto her, Behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the Lord hath heard thy affliction. 12  And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. 13  And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me? 14  Wherefore the well was called Beer–lahai–roi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered. More visions of angels. Spiritual beings interfering in human existence. Question: Why exactly do we not have regular visitations from angelic beings anymore? Consider that if this woman was Egyptian, she wouldn’t necessarily have believed in Yahweh. That’s the assumption of everyone reading the damn book, because they think EVERYONE is exactly like them. It’s the same thing when Americans just assume the rest of the world is exactly like America, interested in American politics and American news and American Americana. It’s navel gazing stupidity. And we have a recorded conversation, that transpired AGAIN with no witnesses. So Hagar returns to Abram and says 

“I like totally met your God out in the wilderness, and he like told me some stuff about like, to come back here and stuff. He also like told me some of that “exceedingly great seed” stuff about me and my son. You know, just like you’re always going on about. Multitudes of seed or whatever. So like don’t be mean to me, because that sky wizard has heard my cries of affliction! He’s totally looking out for me. Ok? Ok.”

And that seems legit, right? Suuuuuure. Totally believable. Wanna guess why that pile of crap is believable? Go ahead. Guess. Bible. Jesus. Magic. Boom.

15  And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16  And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram. Final note here: If you follow the genealogies listed out in their boring but excruciating detail in Genesis 11, Abram would have had to be at least 135 years old at the birth of Ishmael. Not 75 years old, as this verse suggests. But the bible is internally consistent. Because why? Say it with me: Bible.... Jesus... Magic.   

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 15

1 After these things the word of the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward. God gives Abram mad props for his pious display in front of the magic priest king man Melchizedek, and tells him not to worry about giving up all the plunder, because He totally has Abram’s back. It doesn’t explain why he would be worried in the first place, because he was a rich man at the BEGINNING of the story. Let’s just shrug off that obvious logical blunder and plod on. I sense the rest of this story is going to be a cornucopia of nonsense, so we’ll have a lot to get through.

2  And Abram said, Lord God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus? 3  And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed: and, lo, one born in my house is mine heir. He can't believe he’s going to have to leave all his vast wealth to a man from Damascus, instead of his own children. Because people that aren’t from this special bloodline are less than people. But that’s not disturbing at all because God God Jesus God Reasons Magic God ShutUpWithYourLogicYouHeretic!!! Notice that Abram isn’t happy with God’s repeated assertions that have no backing evidence. He is an old man, and God has promised to make him the father of a master race (which totally is different from that Hitler idea that is exactly the same in every way because God said it was ok), but he has no children. Abram wants more than empty words, which we’ll soon find out is a BAD thing? Asking for proof leads to trouble. Bible lessons 101. 4  And, behold, the word of the Lord came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir. 100% literal translation: “You won’t have to leave your money to that commoner, who is obviously beneath you and doesn’t deserve any of your wealth! You’re going to crap out a butt baby from your intestines.” It’s actually saying that it will be his own son that he loves, as the seat of emotions in those days was the bowels. It’s like saying “your ACTUAL son, that you love with all your heart, will be your heir.” But for strict biblical literalists... well... I guess they think God is going to bring one of Abram’s turds to life.  5  And he brought him forth abroad, and said, Look now toward heaven, and tell the stars, if thou be able to number them: and he said unto him, So shall thy seed be. This song and dance again? Look at the stars Simba! The great master race of the future looks down on us from those stars. So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you, and so will I. Now go kill that guy for picking up a stick on Saturday. I have spoken. 6  And he believed in the Lord; and he counted it to him for righteousness. Belief is not a moral action. This is yet ANOTHER example of the bible attempting to validate itself in an illogical way, to instill fear into those reading it. If belief is righteousness, than disbelief is wickedness. It attempts to make the simple act of doubting a “sin.” When this nonsense is taught to children, it subtly programs their brains to accept that trust in God is automatically good, and questioning God is automatically bad. Now where have I heard that before? *cough* mind pattern programing *cough* cult psycology *cough* it’s exactly the was dictators and despots keep their subjects in line *cough cough* never question the great leader *cough*... Sorry... scratchy throat. Now where HAVE I heard that before? Nevermind. So, there’s another issue I’d like to bring up here that is a MAJOR problem in religion. The recycling of bad arguments. The apostle Paul cites this verse multiple times (Romans 4, verses 3, 9, and 22, Galatians 3:6, James 2:23) as EVIDENCE of justification by faith. The assertion is made, unchallenged, and therefore accepted as viable evidence of reality. Simply because Moses wrote that God said “Faith = Awesome” does not make that a reality. Citing that as hard evidence to a further claim you’re attempting to make is automatically fallacious reasoning.

“Say, Bob, did you know that cats can fly?” “Really Jim? How? I’ve never seen a flying cat Jim.” “That’s really not important Bob. Just trust me. Cats can fly.” “Well, I guess I’ll just chose to believe you Jim.” “Excellent choice Bob. Because belief is clearly a choice.” *Months later, Jim throws a cat over a roof with a cat-apult (*snicker*) and tells Bob that his beliefs have been vindicated! Just look at the evidence! Decades later, a scientist uses Jim’s belief in flighted cats, and Bob’s support of that belief to write a law saying all cat owners must get their cat’s wings clipped, or they’ll be shot for international super-treason or something. Cats don’t have wings, so all cat owners are killed. Dogs everywhere high five and sip their tennis ball flavored martinis. In a surprise MNightShamalablahmanon twist ending, Jim was really a dog in an elaborate disguise all along!

7  And he said unto him, I am the Lord that brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldees, to give thee this land to inherit it. In case you forgot, let me remind you again. Apparently people in bible times all had severe short term memory loss and needed to be told the same things over and over. “Hey, remember this land I gave you twice already...? Guess what? I brought you here to give it to you. Neat, huh?” Ownership of THIS land is super-duper important for some reason. You’d think God would tell Abram that owning land isn’t really something he should strive for, as it is ultimately materialistic and not a very high minded obsession to have. But He never does.  Instead, He continues to tell Abram that he’s God’s favorite, and that Abram’s kids will totally OWN this patch of earth just because God said so. Abram is the father of the Prosperity Gospel here, and God encourages him EVERY step of the way. Not a very godlike thing to do, but we should expect no less from this character. It fits with everything else He’s done so far.

8  And he said, Lord God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? Again, Abram is a BAD believer, because he’s asking for confirmation. This is actually something believers should do a little more. Ask for confirmation. Make sure the things you believe are grounded in reality. It’s a radical idea, I know. Thousands of years later, it’s still kind of seen as a fringe idea within the religious community at large. I’m hoping it becomes more mainstream in the future. 9  And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. “You want proof? Kill some animals for me. I don’t just give proof for free! I need to see something suffer and die first. Get with the program Abram!” 10  And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst, and laid each piece one against another: but the birds divided he not. Abram kills a cow, a goat, and a sheep and splits them into pieces. Why? Well, because this is an ancient ritualistic custom. Here’s how it works: Two people make an agreement. They slice animals in half, and then walk between the separated halves to symbolically affirm that the same should happen to them if they break their end of the bargain. This ritual is also mentioned in Jeremiah 34. Sounds like the perfect thing for a timeless, eternal, all powerful being to endorse and participate in, right?  11  And when the fowls came down upon the carcases, Abram drove them away. 12  And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him. In essence, Abram is unsure if he can trust the voices in his head about getting this land for his posterity, so he sets up a primitive version of a contract and waits - fully expecting God to physically appear and “sign” it by walking through the dead animals with him. But God doesn’t show, and he spends the day shooing away vultures from the rotting carcasses until he FALLS ASLEEP. That’s right. As with ALL proof offered by believers, the justification for it is 100% in his mind. Nothing happened to the dead animals. God didn’t physically appear. Abram asked for evidence and got NONE, so he made some up in his own head while he slept. For some reason, believers don’t balk at this. I’ll never understand why. There’s another minor thing to address here. I’ve seen it postulated by more than a few apologists that God put Abram to sleep BECAUSE there was no promise on Abram’s part, and he didn’t need to walk through the dead animals. As if that makes a lick of sense. The argument that real proof wasn't offered, just something in his sleeping mind, because of a technicality in the contract. God couldn’t show up physically and offer real proof, because Abram didn’t owe him anything. How does that make any sense at all?       13  And he said unto Abram, Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years; 14  And also that nation, whom they shall serve, will I judge: and afterward shall they come out with great substance. 15  And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried in a good old age. 16  But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again: for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full. All written down after the fact, by someone who wasn’t there. The words of God in a dream are recorded IN QUOTES by someone writing in generations later, after the supposed promises and prophesy made by God have already come to pass. How very convenient. 17  And it came to pass, that, when the sun went down, and it was dark, behold a smoking furnace, and a burning lamp that passed between those pieces. Ok, so there’s two options here. Verse 12 says, “And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram,” so he is asleep here. Did the smoking furnace and burning lamp pass through the dead animals in his dream? Because that’s REALLY stupid. Or, did this even happen physically with no one present to witness it except a sleeping old man - but it’s recorded as an actual event that happened anyway. Because thats somehow even MORE stupid than the first option. Much like the snake in the Garden of Eden, we’re supposed to extrapolate from the story that the furnace and the lamp are symbols of God, just like the Snake was a representation of the Devil. The text doesn’t actually explicitly say this, and there’s no reason to automatically jump to that conclusion, but the apologists are going to jump anyway. It’s their nature. 18  In the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram, saying, Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates: 19  The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites, 20  And the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims, 21  And the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, and the Jebusites. God promises again, without any actual evidence - that he’s going to give the land to Abram’s descendants, AND further promises that they’ll overthrow all the various “Ites” that dwell there. Because Moses wants the people to believe that God said all this. And they do. Without any evidence. And in thousands of years, nothing there has changed. People still believe things, just because someone tells them God said it.  

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 14

1  And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations; 2  That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar. 3  All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea. 4  Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.

5  And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emims in Shaveh Kiriathaim,

6  And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto El–paran, which is by the wilderness. 7  And they returned, and came to En–mishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezon–tamar. 8  And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim; 9  With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five. 10  And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain. 11  And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. Just when you thought the Bible couldn’t get any more Middle-Earthy Dungeons and Dragons, we come to a rousing tale straight out of something from JRR Tolkien. A bunch of armies coming together to do battle, with the most anti-climactic ending you could ask for. The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fell into a slime pit, which apparently meant that their men could no longer fight and they had to give up. The rules were very clear. No fighting with dirty armor. Let’s also take a moment to notice that the Amalekites are mentioned here, even though they don’t exist yet. The person for which they are named isn’t even born until Genesis 36. So that’s fun. I’m also going to say, I love the word “victuals”. Let’s use that more.     12  And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Everyone else: no big deal. Who cares? But Lot is captured, and his goods are stolen? Oh, it’s on bro.  13  And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abram. Fun trivia here for anyone who doesn’t know: this is the first use of the title “Hebrew” in the bible. People commonly incorrectly equate it with Judaism, but actually it just means “descended from Eber”. *The More You Know!*   14  And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. 15  And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. 16  And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. His 318 personal trained servants (which, seriously, screw this guy! No one needs that many servants. That’s disgusting) defeated four ENTIRE armies. With NO explanation! How big were these armies? Is Abram such a big shot that he has more slaves than the combined armies of four separate cities? That are better trained?  You’d think that even if he had more people, he’d still be at a disadvantage because his men are not professional fighters. But the Bible doesn’t care about any of that.      17  And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that were with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which is the king's dale. 18  And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. 19  And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth: 20  And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.  21  And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself. The king got out of the slime pit and managed to clean off his armor. So he goes to meat Abram, and brings a priest/king that has bread and wine (Jesus foreshadowing you guys!) who’s name literally means “righteous king”. Now, there’s no biographical or genealogical information available for this ruler, which is weird because he’s treated with reverence by Abram AND the king of Sodom in this story. It is pretty Jesus-y to have very little accurate information surrounding your life though, so.... yeah. Anyway, magic priest king man is all like: “Congrats on being rich and being able to compel over 300 people to fight for you. It’s amazing how rich you are, and how much god favors you and your richness. Just so you know, that had nothing to do with it though. God made you win. Because God Gody God God Jesus God. Reasons reasons, Jesus God reasons. Give me the slaves, and you can keep all the other stuff.” 22  And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the Lord, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth, 23  That I will not take from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich: 24  Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion. So Abram needs to show off how much he loves God to the magic priest king man, so he tries to out-god him by being like: “ Hey Mr. King, you’re right. I am rich. But not because of YOU. God made me so rich that I don’t need any of this stuff. In fact, I’m so crazy stinking rich from God Jesus Magic that you can keep all of this stuff, AND the slaves. You can’t rub any of them in my face. I made my own money by whoring my wife out in Egypt, so I don’t need your charity sir! Good day!” and then I picture him doing the Tim Tebow “Yay God” touchdown kneel in celebration.   

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 13

1  And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south. 2  And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold. 3  And he went on his journeys from the south even to Beth–el, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Beth–el and Hai; 4  Unto the place of the altar, which he had made there at the first: and there Abram called on the name of the Lord. So what was the point of that whole side-story? Abram is back where he started, and nothing has changed. I mean, unless his riches in livestock and precious metals came from whoring out his wife in Egypt, he’s in EXACTLY the same situation as when he left. Again, it’s like the author want’s to tell us a story, but has no idea how story structure works. If your main character doesn’t grow from a situation, and nothing in their circumstance changes, you cut the fat.

  5  And Lot also, which went with Abram, had flocks, and herds, and tents. So where was Lot during the Egypt fiasco? Don’t worry about any of that I guess. If the word of God doesn’t care, neither should you, amiright?

6  And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Some real “First world problems”. Imagine being on the earth 9 generations after the flood, where there’s not so many people, and STILL somehow finding yourself in this situation: 

“I say, Abram old boy! It seems as though we’ve amassed a staggering pile of stuff! Far too much for the both of us to continue living in this wide open space together, wouldn’t you say?” “Quite right, Lot! Quite right! You wouldn't think one would be able to hoard this kind of wealth so close on the heels of such a cataclysmic event, would you? It’s almost like we just decided that carrying around lots of things makes us wealthy - just because we wanted to! And now we find ourselves in a right pickle!” “Indubitably! You don’t suppose this kind of opulence is maybe unnecessary, do you?” “Whatever do you mean?” “Well, do you suppose that future generations might look back on us and judge us harshly for hoarding wealth like dragons? I mean, do we really NEED any of this Abram?” “You shut your whore mouth! Remember Lot, it’s Bible times so I can see into the future. Just because. They’re gonna have this thing called the Prosperity Gospel, and people like Pat Robertson and Joel Osteen. Pat is going to steal donations from a charity to get himself a diamond mine in Zaire and Joel’s house going to be is worth $10.5 million. What we’re doing right now NEVER CHANGES for the entire corse of history. The rich and powerful hoard wealth and land, and think they can just own things - including people! - just like us!  And for the most part the only people who see a problem with it are the godless heathen Atheists that don’t have any morality!” “Praise the genocidal maniac in the sky! That’s fantastic news Abram! It’s nice to know the Lord is looking out for the rich!”   

7  And there was a strife between the herdmen of Abram's cattle and the herdmen of Lot's cattle: and the Canaanite and the Perizzite dwelled then in the land. 8  And Abram said unto Lot, Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, and between my herdmen and thy herdmen; for we be brethren. Let’s not fight. There’s plenty of resources for both of us to grow fat on. Not enough to share with the heardmen mind you. That would be crazy.   9  Is not the whole land before thee? separate thyself, I pray thee, from me: if thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left. 10  And Lot lifted up his eyes, and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered every where, before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, even as the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, as thou comest unto Zoar.  11  Then Lot chose him all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east: and they separated themselves the one from the other. It’s Lets Make A Deal: Bible Edition! Do you want door #1 in the east, or door #2 in the west Lot? And Spoilers! Lot chose poorly, as we’ll soon find out.  12  Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom. 13  But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the Lord exceedingly. Seems to be a lot of that going around. Everyone in the bible is exceedingly wicked, or unbelievably horrible, or super-ultra-mega naughty. Abram is totally fine hoarding his wealth and pimping out his wife. God has no issue with that AT ALL. He continues to be on Abram’s side, and to defend him and give him stuff. But THESE guys are apparently a whole city of goat rapists and child cannibals. A whole community of Jeffry Dahmers, all making themselves sex toys out of dead bodies and making bone chocolate. Seems legit.   14  And the Lord said unto Abram, after that Lot was separated from him, Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward: 15  For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. 16  And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered. 17  Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee. 18  Then Abram removed his tent, and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the Lord. God waits until there’s no-one around to talk to Abram and show him things. Nice to see that hasn’t changed. God still likes to wait until people are all alone, and all the cameras are off, and the audio equipment is malfunctioning, and every conceivable means of documentation is absent. Then he puts on spectacular light shows, heals cancer and super AIDS, makes it rain glitter... all that good stuff. But only when there’s no way to prove any of it. He’s so sneaky! And then we have the issue of God giving Abram the same land that He ALREADY gave him in the last chapter (12:7)!

“Guess what Simba?” “God, please stop calling me that...” “Everything the light touches will be your kingdom!” “I know. You said that already.” “I’m serious. All of it.” “But what about that shadowy place?” “Oh, that’s Sodom. That’s beyond our borders. You must never go there! They’re angel raping crazy over there bro. Spoilers, I know. Sorry.” “You know I just sent Lot over there, right? You couldn’t have spoken up BEFORE he left?” “Hey, I work in mysterious ways. It’ll all pan out. Trust me. He’ll be fine. It’s not like he’s gonna have to offer his daughters as a rape sacrifice or anything...”

[stevejehovahbible]

Chapter 7&8: How Abram our fore-father went out to Canaan, and there was a famine in Canaan, so Abram went thence into Egypt. by: Flavius Josephus

1. Now Abram having no son of his own, adopted Lot, his brother Haran’s son, and his wife Sarai’s brother; and he left the land of Chaldea, when he was seventy five years old: and at the command of God went into Canaan, and therein he dwelt himself, and left it to his posterity. He was a person of great sagacity, both for understanding all things, and persuading his hearers, and not mistaken in his opinions. For which reason he began to have higher notions of virtue than others had; and he determined to renew and to change the opinion all men happened then to have concerning God. For he was the first that ventured to publish this notion, that there was but One God, the Creator of the Universe: and that as to other [Gods], if they contributed any thing to the happiness of men, that each of them afforded it only according to his appointment, and not by their own power. I love this Abram apologetics! So he can show that when it comes to OTHER gods, the things they appear to do are just coincidences. That men are not blessed or cursed by them. They just THINK they are. But for some reason he can’t apply the same reasoning to HIS God. Sound familiar?

This his opinion was derived from the irregular phenomena that were visible both at land and sea; as well as those that happen to the sun, and moon, and all the heavenly bodies, thus: “If [said he] these bodies had power of their own, they would certainly take care of their own regular motions: but since they do not preserve such regularity, they make it plain that in so far as they co-operate to our advantage, they do it not of their own abilities, but as they are subservient to him that commands them: to whom alone we ought justly to offer our honour and thanksgiving.” For which doctrines when the Chaldeans and other people of Mesopotamia raised a tumult against him, he thought fit to leave that country; and at the command, and by the assistance of God, he came and lived in the land of Canaan. And when he was there settled, he built an altar, and performed a sacrifice to God.

“I don’t know where the sun goes at night. Therefore, God.”   Now after this, when a famine had invaded the land of Canaan, and Abram had discovered that the Egyptians were in a flourishing condition, he was disposed to go down to them: both to partake of the plenty they enjoyed, and to become an auditor of their Priests, and to know what they said concerning the Gods: designing either to follow them, if they had better notions than he; or to convert them into a better way, if his own notions proved the truest.  This idea, I actually love. He’s willing to listen to them if they have more sense than him, and he want’s to sway them to his ideas if they seem more sound. I wish more people did that. 

Now seeing he was to take Sarai with him, and was afraid of the madness of the Egyptians with regard to women, lest the King should kill him on occasion of his wife’s great beauty, he contrived this device: He pretended to be her brother; and directed her in a dissembling way to pretend the same: for he said, it would be for their benefit. “The madness of the Egyptians with regards to women”... is that a thing? I’ve never heard that before. Are Egyptians known for going feral around the ladies? Do they just rape everything that comes into Egypt wearing a skirt? 

Now as soon as they came into Egypt, it happened to Abram as he supposed it would. For the fame of his wife’s beauty was greatly talked of: for which reason Pharaoh, the King of Egypt, would not be satisfied with what was reported of her, but would needs see her himself; and was preparing to enjoy her. But God put a stop to his unjust inclinations, by sending upon him a distemper, and a sedition against his government. I like that this account makes sure you know Sarai never got violated. The word of God didn’t bother to, but this unreliable historian has taken the time to make sure we know she didn’t actually get to inspect the Sphinx. But God stepped in. Just like He didn’t with Jaycee Dugard. Just like He didn’t with Colleen Stan. Just like He didn’t with Elizabeth Smart. Just like He doesn’t with the alleged 237,868 victims of sexual assault or rape in the United States EVERY YEAR. Let’s also take a moment to appreciate that in this version, God gives them the flu AND political upheaval. Because He can I guess.  

And when he enquired of the Priests, how he might be freed from these calamities, they told him, that his miserable condition was derived from the wrath of God, upon account of his inclinations to abuse the stranger’s wife. So the priests who serve other gods knew that she was his wife? Sounds like their gods are better than Abrams God. Or maybe what they said was, “eh... the strangers could have something to do with it maybe?” 

He then, out of fear, asked Sarai who she was and who it was that she brought along with her? And when he had found out the truth, he excused himself to Abram, that supposing the woman to be his sister, and not his wife, he set his affections on her, as desiring an affinity with him by marrying her; but not as incited by lust to abuse her.  Totally wasn’t gonna rape her brah. Swear. What’s that? “Then why did God strike my people with a plague and upset my government?” Mysterious ways brah. You know how it is.  

He also made him a large present in money; and gave him leave to enter into conversation with the most learned among the Egyptians. From which conversation, his virtue and his reputation became more conspicuous than they had been before. The bible says literally NONE of this. Weird.

2. For whereas the Egyptians were formerly addicted to different customs, and despised one another’s sacred and accustomed rites, and were very angry one with another on that account; Abram conferred with each of them, and confuting the reasonings they made use of, every one for their own practices, he demonstrated that such reasonings were vain, and void of truth. Whereupon he was admired by them, in those conferences, as a very wise man, and one of great sagacity, when he discoursed on any subject he undertook; and this not only in understanding it, but in persuading other men also to assent to him. He communicated to them Arithmetick; and delivered to them the science of Astronomy. For before Abram came into Egypt they were unacquainted with those parts of learning: for that science came from the Chaldeans into Egypt; and from thence to the Greeks also. Abram learned science, and logic, and math from the goats and sheep I guess, and then passed it on to the Egyptians. Suuuuuure. I believe this so much. It totally doesn’t sound made up and entirely backwards.  

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 12

1  Now the Lord had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee: Just like in the previous chapters, God is OBSESSED with removing people from the group. Spreading them out. There’s never any justifiable reason given for this. It’s just a hobby I guess. It’s also kind of interesting to notice that God is supposedly chasing to speak DIRECTLY to specific people, and not to others. For instance, we’re not told that God said anything to Nimrod, but he does a LOT of talking to Abram.

2  And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing: 3  And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed. Written AFTER the “great nation” has (for all intents and purposes) formed. Amazing how that works. It’s called Vaticinium ex eventu, which translates as “Prophecy from the event." It’s how Aragorn was able to fulfill all those prophesies in Lord Of The Rings. How Neo becomes The One in the Matrix. The authors wrote the prophesies to fit with where they had brought the characters. It doesn’t make the “fulfillment” of those prophesies miraculous. We also have a Nostradamus style “prophesy” in this generalized enigmatic statement that COULD be fulfilled any number of ways in the future. Like this one I just made up with a quatrain generator on the internet: At forty-five degrees, the sky will burn. Fire approaches the great new city. It will be seized and plunged into the earth. Then conflicts will start anew. How is that a prophesy? It’s not. Just like the statements made here about blessing and cursing and “all the families of the earth” being blessed. I’ll give you one guess as to what the faithful think that verse means. Here’s a hint: In Galatians 3:8, Paul writes “And the scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the heathen through faith, preached BEFORE the gospel unto Abraham, saying, In thee shall all nations be blessed.” So it’s JESUS! AGAIN! Just because!

4  So Abram departed, as the Lord had spoken unto him; and Lot went with him: and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran. 5  And Abram took Sarai his wife, and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls that they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan; and into the land of Canaan they came. Again, the timeline here is SUPER important. Nine generations have passed: Noah to Shem to Arphaxad to Selah to Eber to Peleg to Reu to Serug to Nahor to Terah to Abram. Noah lived to be 950 years old, dying just 2 years before Abram’s birth. If the flood occurred in Noah’s 600th year, and Abram is about 75 years old, then it’s been about 400ish years since the supposed flood. Now, from the 8 people on the boat and the pairs of animals, we somehow have enough people and animals that they have herds of livestock and servants? Lets go ahead and make the crazy leap that EVERY person alive paired up, had 5 children per pair, and that no one at all ever died for the entirety of that 400 year span. Not very likely, but we’ll roll with it. The grand total of the population of the whole earth at the time of Abram’s birth would have been around 23,250 people. Spread out now, across the globe because of God’s magic language beam. Still, these particular descendants of Shem have enough amassed wealth that they somehow own all these animals and people? I’m not buying it.     

6  And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Sichem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanite was then in the land. The generally accepted date for the writing of this is approximately 1405 BC, about 700 years after Abram entered the land. The Canaanites are mentioned (again) because, at the time this is being written, Israel is about to enter Canaan and become their enemy. This SHOULD be taken as evidence of a narrative being created to sell a version of events that will influence the actions of the Israelites. Because that’s what it is. Unfortunately, the ability to see something that blatantly obvious is tainted by Jesus colored glasses.       7  And the Lord appeared unto Abram, and said, Unto thy seed will I give this land: and there builded he an altar unto the Lord, who appeared unto him. 8  And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Beth–el, and pitched his tent, having Beth–el on the west, and Hai on the east: and there he builded an altar unto the Lord, and called upon the name of the Lord. God appears to Abram. Actually appears to him and talks to him. That’s what it says. So I don’t want to hear anymore nonsense apologetics spin as to why God can’t physically manifest to prove his existence. He does it right here. I’m not sure what the purpose of erecting an alter to the Lord is. It seems kind of pointless. For anyone who doesn’t know, an alter is a structure on which offerings are made to a deity. The Hebrew word for altar is “mizbeah”, from a verbal root meaning "to slaughter." So that’s fun. Abram is presumably tossing a bunch of stones into a pile, and then killing animals on them while he talks to himself. Sounds like insanity to me, but to each his own. Also, let’s be clear that the devotees of this particular God were NOT the only ones preforming this sort of ritualistic sacrifice. There were a variety of other gods such as Baal and Molach, who also supposedly demanded blood sacrifice. You’d think Yahweh would be above all that, but apparently He was going through a phase where He wanted to fit in. 

9  And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south. 10  And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land. So God confused all the languages and made everyone spread out, but somehow Abram knows about these people live approximately 15,000 miles from his home in Ur (225 miles from his current location in Bethal) and decides to pop over and say hello. And amazingly he can talk to them. Just because.  

11  And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon: 12  Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Abram thinks that “the Egyptians” - collectively I guess - are going to kill him so they can “be fruitful and multiply” with his 65 year old wife. Because there are no women in Egypt, right? And again we have this misogynistic idea that women are apparently only good for one thing. Everyone who sees her is just going to try to have sex with her, and that’s asserted as though it’s obvious. Just disgusting.     

13  Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live because of thee. First, terrible plan. And ewww. And speaking of ewwww... she legitimately IS his half-sister! Because the bible is like an episode of Jerry Springer that you simply can’t watch because it’s too revolting. 14  And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair. 15  The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. Just in case you didn’t get the subtext here... The people of egypt think this 65 year old lady is a stone cold fox, and spread the word of just how sexy she is until the news reaches Pharaoh, who adds her into his “be fruitful and multiply” after school program. 

16  And he entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels. Abram get’s to live in the lap of luxury while the Pharaoh is showing his wife the Sphinx. Giving her a guided tour of the pyramids. Wink wink. Nudge Nudge.   17  And the Lord plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram's wife. And God is pissed off and doing crazy magic again! Maybe the foreigners were carrying some sort of foreign bacteria that made the people sick... NOPE! God did it! God did all the things of everything with magic miracle God powers, right up until the time when things existed to document those occurrences, and then he stopped because it would be a vulgar display of his power and take away our free will and hinder our faith and isn’t it presumptuous to demand that God do something? He works in mysterious ways! Faith. Bible. Jesus. Reasons. 18  And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? 19  Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way. 20  And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had. Somehow Pharaoh found out about the deception. Curious that this detail got left out. “And of every fowl, and every fish of the sea, and of every aardvark, and all of the beetles (the bugs, not the band), and of caterpillars after their kinds, and of every dolphin after their kind, and all the elephants and frogs after their kinds, and of goldfish and hippopotami, and iguanodons, and jelly fishes after their assorted kinds, and kangaroos and lemurs, and mitochondria and Nickleback and Oprah Winfrey after their kinds, and polycarbonate, and quills and riboflavin, and Stairway to Heaven (I love that song!) and tetrahedrons, and unicorns after their kinds even though they don’t exist, and Voltron the destroyer after his kind, and whales after their sad kinds, and xylophones after their kinds, and yakety sax for comedic effect in crazy situations, and also Lord Zenu after his kind, and the creeping things and two of all flesh with Shem, Ham, and Japheth WHO WERE DEFINITELY ON THE ARK YOU GUYS!” Did the Lord say in repetitious fashion while excluding important details from the book He supposedly inspired. Bravo! And Pharaoh is totally on board with the idea that a God he doesn’t worship is punishing him for something he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Bible logic! You gotta love it!         

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 11

1  And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. Genesis 10 already mentions other languages existing. So again, we’re just going to move the timeline around to make these things make sense. Because they have to. So this actually happened BEFORE those languages were invented by God for the purpose of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33: “For God is NOT the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints), because that makes the story make sense to us. Just like the sudden “invention” of many languages allows for a young earth, and literal reading of this nonsense. Suuuuuure....  

2  And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there.
 All humanity. Together. Meaning that they’d supposedly JUST made it through the flood, and they’re a pack of hundreds of people that just go everywhere together.
 Just because. 3  And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them throughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for morter. 4  And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. So all of humanity had a meeting and collectively invented bricks, and some sort of slime to hold them together? Just like that? And then they came up with this plan to build a really high tower, because that’s what keeps people together! If there’s not a tall tower, people just naturally drift apart, right? They also needed to make a name for themselves, so all the other people on  earth who totally didn’t exist would know who they were. Because that makes sense.

5  And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded.
 This summer, Chevey Chase stars as God in the new hit comedy, Babel Vacation: God thought that drowning everyone in the flood would solve all his problems. But now, he’s about to find out that these humans won’t just leave well enough alone! Should he kill them all again, or just make them speak funny? Find out in Babel Vacation, Rated Pg-13. 
 6  And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. Amazing. God is AGAIN threatened by his creation. It’s almost like he’s struggling to stay ONE step ahead of these bumbling monkeys, or they’ll surpass him. Funny how now we have computer programs and apps on our phones that can translate any language. So, we essentially have one language again - for all intents and purposes. And we’re not able to do anything we imagine, and God is curiously absent. You’d think he’d be trying to confuse us again. Weird, isn’t it?

7  Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.
 Occam’s Razor time again. What’s more likely: That groups of humans evolved language in separate places as a means to communicate, and that’s why we have all the different dialects we see today, or that God felt threatened by a tower being built that couldn’t possibly be anywhere near as big as some of the giant structures we’ve built since, so he waved his magic God wand and made everyone’s tongue not work good no more?

8  So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9  Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth. The stupidity level is so high… This idiocy is ignoring the fundamental nature of what language is and how it functions. Besides that, has anyone ever tried to preform a task with someone who didn’t speak the same language? Because I have, and it’s not impossible. You’d be able to quickly develop a joint means of communication to accomplish your goal. Which is why this is all backwards. Language is a human invention to make communication possible. This story suggests that communication was hindered because, somehow, the language that had been learned suddenly was thrown into chaos. Now, the name Babel is linked to a Hebrew word, meaning “to confuse”, so they’re really big with naming things ON THE NOSE, just like Nimrod. The place where Able was killed should have been called Jealousy Stabbing Fields. The mountain where Noah’s Ark landed should have been Mt. Animal Boat Dock. The Garden of Eden should have been called Oops Wrong Fruit Land.      

10  These are the generations of Shem: Shem was an hundred years old, and begat Arphaxad two years after the flood:
So then Shem was an infant when God told Noah to build the Ark. That means they would have had even LESS man power and it’s even LESS likely that they would have been able to build the boat in that amount of time. If Noah’s kids were that young, Noah would have had to start the construction on the ark himself. Or maybe with just his wife. So somehow this is now even less likely than totally impossible. That’s kind of fun.

11  And Shem lived after he begat Arphaxad five hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.
No, because God said they couldn’t live more than 120 years.
 12  And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years, and begat Salah:
You’re not listening. God said man couldn’t live this long.
 13  And Arphaxad lived after he begat Salah four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters. 14  And Salah lived thirty years, and begat Eber: 15  And Salah lived after he begat Eber four hundred and three years, and begat sons and daughters. 16  And Eber lived four and thirty years, and begat Peleg: 17  And Eber lived after he begat Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters. 18  And Peleg lived thirty years, and begat Reu: 19  And Peleg lived after he begat Reu two hundred and nine years, and begat sons and daughters. 20  And Reu lived two and thirty years, and begat Serug: 21  And Reu lived after he begat Serug two hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters. 22  And Serug lived thirty years, and begat Nahor: 23  And Serug lived after he begat Nahor two hundred years, and begat sons and daughters. 24  And Nahor lived nine and twenty years, and begat Terah: 25  And Nahor lived after he begat Terah an hundred and nineteen years, and begat sons and daughters.
 Begetting….. Begetting…. Begetting…. Ok. The lives are getting shorter, and they’re having kids in their 30’s instead of their 200’s. But they’re all still living to be well over 120. Weird how they seem to be dying younger and younger. Kind of like God learned how to scale something down gradually. He certainly wasn’t capable of doing that before. Props God. 
 26  And Terah lived seventy years, and begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran. ABRAM! Whooooohooo! New section! Finally!

27  Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begat Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begat Lot. 28  And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldees. 29  And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai; and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah. 30  But Sarai was barren; she had no child. 31  And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter in law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldees, to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran, and dwelt there. 32  And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years: and Terah died in Haran. More names of who beget who, and reminders that EVERYONE here is related and all of their relationships are gross. Yay Bible!

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 10

1  Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood. 2  The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javan, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras. 3  And the sons of Gomer; Ashkenaz, and Riphath, and Togarmah. 4  And the sons of Javan; Elishah, and Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. 5  By these were the isles of the Gentiles divided in their lands; every one after his tongue, after their families, in their nations.
 So from Noah, to Japheth, to Gomer and Javan, to their children. A mere two generations from the flood we have the mention of multiple tongues.
 6  And the sons of Ham; Cush, and Mizraim, and Phut, and Canaan. 7  And the sons of Cush; Sea, and Havilah, and Sabtah, and Raamah, and Sabtecha: and the sons of Raamah; Sheba, and Dedan. 8  And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. 9  He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord. 10  And the beginning of his kingdom was Babel, and Erech, and Accad, and Clan, in the land of Shinar. Here we have Noah to Ham, to Cush, to Nimrod. And this is where the Lord supposedly confuses the languages. So we’re supposed to believe that within TWO generations from Noah’s flood, a bunch of languages emerge simultaneously because God LITERALLY reconfigured the brains of everyone on earth? That has some staggering implications. Interesting point: The name Nimrod in Hebrew literally means rebel, and the phrase “mighty hunter before the Lord” is interpreted by some as “in the face of the Lord” or “in opposition to the Lord”. It speaks not of his ability to hunt wild game, but to hunt men. He was a warrior. A Jerusalem Targum (which is an ancient Aramaic paraphrase or interpretation of the Hebrew Bible) says “He was powerful in hunting, and in wickedness before the Lord, he was a hunter of the sons of men, and he said to them, “Depart from the judgment of the Lord and adhere to the judgment of Nimrod!” Kind of seems like a stereotypical storybook villain, which is kind of his roll in the bible. A bit on the nose, don’t you think? It’s like if you saw a guy rob a bank, and his name was Steely McBank-Robber.      

11  Out of that land went forth Asshur, and builded Nineveh, and the city Rehoboth, and Calah, 12  And Resen between Nineveh and Calah: the same is a great city. 13  And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Animal, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim, 14  And Pathrusim, and Casluhim, (out of whom came Philistim,) and Caphtorim. 15  And Canaan begat Sidon his firstborn, and Heth, 16  And the Jebusite, and the Amorite, and the Girgasite, 17  And the Hivite, and the Arkite, and the Sinite, 18  And the Arvadite, and the Zemarite, and the Hamathite: and afterward were the families of the Canaanites spread abroad. 19  And the border of the Canaanites was from Sidon, as thou comest to Gerar, unto Gaza; as thou goest, unto Sodom, and Gomorrah, and Admah, and Zeboim, even unto Lasha. 20  These are the sons of Ham, after their families, after their tongues, in their countries, and in their nations. 21  Unto Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the brother of Japheth the elder, even to him were children born. 22  The children of Shem; Elam, and Asshur, and Arphaxad, and Lud, and Aram. 23  And the children of Aram; Uz, and Hul, and Gether, and Mash. 24  And Arphaxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber. 25  And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan. 26  And Joktan begat Almodad, and Sheleph, and Hazarmaveth, and Jerah, 27  And Hadoram, and Uzal, and Diklah, 28  And Obal, and Abimael, and Sheba, 29  And Ophir, and Havilah, and Jobab: all these were the sons of Joktan. 30  And their dwelling was from Mesha, as thou goest unto Sephar a mount of the east. 31  These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations. 32  These are the families of the sons of Noah, after their generations, in their nations: and by these were the nations divided in the earth after the flood. Nothing more to add here really. This is just a list of the descendants of Noah.

[stevejehovahbible]

Chapter 4: Concerning the Tower of Babylon, and the confusion of Tongues. by: Flavius Josephus

Now the sons of Noah were three, Shem and Japhet, and Ham, born one hundred years before the deluge. These first of all descended from the mountains into the plains, and fixed their habitation there; and persuaded others, who were greatly afraid of the lower grounds on account of the flood, and so were very loth to come down from the higher places, to venture to follow their examples. What “Others”? We’re talking about a mere 2 generations removed from EVERYONE being dead. The only people alive who would remember the flood would also have (supposedly) heard God directly promise not to wipe out the inhabitants of the earth. So why would the be afraid?  

Now the plain, in which they first dwelt, was called Shinar. God also commanded them to send colonies abroad, for the through peopling of the earth; that they might not raise seditions among themselves, but might cultivate a great part of the earth, and enjoy its fruits after a plentiful manner.  Again… 2 generations. That’s it. Lets say that the three sons of Noah each had 50 children and those 150 children all paired up and each pair had ANOTHER 50 children… just for the sake of showing how utterly ridiculous this is! We still have a worldwide population of under 4000 people. And that’s assuming no one has died. More realistically, we’d be talking about a population that barely reached into triple digits, and God is supposedly telling them send out colonies? And why is it important to God that these people spread out? Why would He care if they chose to hang around one area?    

But they were so ill instructed, that they did not obey God. For which reason they fell into calamities, and were made sensible by experience of what sin they had been guilty of. For when they flourished with a numerous youth, God admonished them again to send out colonies. But they imagining the prosperity they enjoyed was not derived from the favor of God, but supposing that their own power was the proper cause of the plentiful condition they were in, did not obey him. God JUST killed everyone and everything on earth, and people are ALREADY ignoring him? This makes it sound like He is PHYSICALLY speaking to them as a group, and for some reason they are choosing to ignore a Cosmic Superbeing that had very recently displayed His ability to punish people en masse if they displeased Him. Does that make any sense? No it does not.  

Nay, they added to this their disobedience to the Divine Will: the suspicion that they were therefore ordered to send out separate colonies, that, being divided asunder, they might the more easily be oppressed. So, they are willfully defying this Supreme Being because they believe that spreading out will make them easier to oppress? And I guess the idea is that if all of them band together in one area, they would be able to defy God? It's making them sound like a bunch of disgruntled employees forming a union to combat unfair working practices. Like god is just a bad manager.  

Now it was Nimrod who excited them to such an affront and contempt of God. He was the grand-son of Ham, the son of Noah: a bold man, and of great strength of hand. He persuaded them not to ascribe it to God, as if it was through His means that they were happy; but to believe that it was their own courage which procured that happiness. He also gradually changed the government into tyranny; seeing no other way of turning men from the fear of God, but to bring them into a constant dependence on his own power. He also said, “He would be revenged on God, if He should have a mind to drown the world again: for that he would build a Tower too high for the waters to be able to reach; and that he would avenge himself on God for destroying their fore-fathers.” This is two contradictory ideas blended together as if they’re compatible. If Nimrod is trying to get the people to trust in their own power, making them dependent on him is counterproductive. This is one of those strawman assertions that we see thrown about by believers in reference to atheists: That they don’t want to worship God because they just want to supplant Him. Although they hate God, they want to BE their own God. I think we should start referring to this as the Nimrod Fallacy. It makes no sense. If Nimrod actually believed that mankind were the masters of their own fate, that God had no hand in it, then he wouldn’t be able to be angry at God for destroying the world. You can’t assert that God has no influence in the world, AND simultaneously that He’s had a negative influence. either God is responsible, or he isn’t. We’ve also got a few issues with the details here. Remember, the mountains were supposedly covered. So they think they're going to make a tower that reaches over 17000 feet? Currently, the world's tallest artificial structure is the 2,722 ft tall Burj Khalifa in Dubai. The building gained the official title of "Tallest Building in the World" and the tallest self supported structure at its opening on January 9, 2010. So they were going to build a structure 6 and a half times the size of the tallest building on earth, as a small tribe of a few hundred people, using bricks and slime? Suuuuuuuuure….  And if they believe in God, and the story of the flood has been handed down to them, then they should also know that God promised NOT to flood the earth again. So this entire task seems unnecessary. And how exactly would building this impossible tower “avenge” them on God? Are they going to climb it, waltz into heaven, and deliver a beatdown to a metaphysical being? None of this makes even a smidgen of sense.      

Now the multitude were very ready to follow the determination of Nimrod, and to esteem it a piece of cowardice to submit to God: and they built a Tower; neither sparing any pains, nor being in any degree negligent about the work. And, by reason of the multitude of hands employed in it, it grew very high, sooner than any one could expect. But the thickness of it was so great, and it was so strongly built, that thereby its great height seemed, upon the view, to be less than it really was. What?!? firstly, There’s not a “multitude of hands” here. That’s not possible. This is Noah’s grandson, remember. I’m also pretty sure that things being very thick and “strongly built” dosn’t make them look noticeably shorter. You’re just saying that as if it’s a thing, and it’s not. “That tower was totally like 12000ft high. We were almost up to the mountain tops where we could use the secret hatch in the clouds to get into heaven and punch God in his stupid face for drowning everyone. Really. But the tower was thick, so it only looked like about 600ft. You know how that goes, ammiright?”  

It was built of burnt brick, cemented together with morter, made of bitumen; that it might not be liable to admit water. When God saw that they acted so madly, he did not resolve to destroy them utterly; since they were not grown wiser by the destruction of the former sinners: but he caused a tumult among them, by producing in them diverse languages; and causing, that through the multitude of those languages, they should not be able to understand one another. When God saw how CRAZY they were... building a tower, which i guess is right next to writing on the walls with your own feces in crazyville... He messes with their minds and causes them to speak differently. Because that’s still the best thing He can come up with.    The place wherein they built the Tower is now called Babylon: because of the confusion of that language which they readily understood before: for the Hebrews mean by the word Babel, Confusion. The Sibyll also makes mention of this tower, and of the confusion of the language when she says thus: “When all men were of one language, some of them built an high tower, as if they would thereby ascend up to heaven. But the Gods sent storms of wind, and overthrew the tower, and gave every one his peculiar language. And for this reason it was that the city was called Babylon.” But as to the plain of Shinar, in the country of Babylonia, Hestiæus mentions it, when he says thus, “Such of the Priests as were saved took the sacred vessels of Jupiter Enyalius, and came to Shinar of Babylonia.” In heathen antiquity, the Sibyl was a prophetess whose oracles concerned the destinies of cities and nations. In the Jewish Sibylline books, the religion of Israel is presented as a hope and a threat; a menace to those who refuse to follow the better life, a promise of salvation to those who repent. In a book known as the Fourth Book of the Sibylline Oracles, the Sibyl, in the guise of a prophetess, tells of the doom of those who resist the will of the one true God, praises the God of Israel, and holds out a beautiful prospect to the faithful. So his source here is a fortune teller. Seems legit.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 9

1  And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. 2  And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered. 3  Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things. God now gives Noah and his sons the same command he gave Adam, to “be fruitful and multiply”. This draws an obvious comparison between God’s original creation, and Noah’s “Creation 2.0″ if you will. And now that God has tasted blood, He want’s more. Before His genocidal worldwide cleansing, everyone and everything was supposedly a vegetarian and everything lived in happy fun times harmony! Now that He’s murdered a bunch of people, He decrees that mankind can kill too. And animals for some reason. They were fine just eating plants before, but now God has decided that they should kill each other for food. Because reasons.      4  But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. “But NO blood. You’re not vampires! You can kill them and eat their flesh, but make sure there’s no blood or I’m gonna be super pissed.” This is the beginning of the biblical God’s OBSESSION with blood. Throughout the Bible we're going to see this idea that blood is special or powerful. We’re told by biblical scholars and apologists that the reason for this is symbolism. Blood symbolically represents life, while the shedding of blood represents death. I’m unclear as to why the symbolic representation of something should effect its use or the moral implications surrounding it. The thing to remember here is that, according to this book, God is the one making the rules. He’s the one deciding that shedding of blood is important and necessary for the forgiveness of sins. He’s the one asking for ritualistic sacrifice. He COULD have made sins forgivable by bear-hugs. Or good deeds. Or something beneficial. But instead He chose to write the rules so that the only way to gain forgiveness is the shedding of someone or something else's blood. Not even YOUR OWN blood. The blood of something else. Kind of messed up God.     5  And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man. 6  Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man. Anyone else see the irony in this edict being handed down DIRECTLY after God slaughters a bunch of people? Again, this is the best law that God can come up with? An eye for an eye? And we are asked to believe an unchanging God somehow changes his mind on this later? In Mathew 5:38-39, Jesus says “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” So why was God unable to hand this message down to Noah? Could it be that maybe, just MAYBE, this was all made up by the people writing it, and had nothing to do with any God? Occam's Razor would say yes.   7  And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. You said that already in this SAME chapter! Why do you insist on repeating yourself? 

8  And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying, 9  And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you; 10  And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth. God was ALREADY speaking to Noah. Why are we told, In the middle of God talking to him that He’s speaking to him? More bad writing from God. This is the first of six biblical covenants, initiated by God and described as “everlasting”. We have The Noahic Covenant, The Abrahamic Covenant, The Mosaic (or Old) Covenant, The Priestly Covenant, The Davidic Covenant, and The New Covenant. This is kind of like seeing a couple that keeps revising and updating their prenuptial agreement. You’d think He could have gotten it right the first time.    

11  And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth. “Sorry for my freak out honey. I promise never to attack you with a meat cleaver and brutally slaughter all of our children again.” Oh joy. 12  And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations: 13  I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth. 14  And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud: 15  And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. 16  And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. 17  And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth. Your token of not killing everyone is a rainbow? Ok. Sure. But you know that rainbows aren’t set in clouds, right? Kind of like stars aren’t set in the sky. Rainbows are caused by reflection, refraction and dispersion of light in water droplets. Not God smelling burnt animals. And why exactly does God need a multicolored sticky note in the sky to remind Him not to kill everyone? Someone needs anger management.   18  And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan. Interestingly, some biblical scholars suggest that the reason Cannaan is mentioned is that, at the time Moses was writing this, the Israelites may have been preparing to enter Canaan and dispossess inhabitants of their homes and properties. So, God wanted them to know their enemies’ background. You know, to educate them. It’s not that Moses was inventing “plausible” reasons for why their conquest was totally not a bad thing at all, and God was just peachy with it. No no no. How could you even suggest such a thing?     19  These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread. We know. Because you’ve told us now nine times. Nine times in this same story, you’ve reminded us that they were on the ark. Nine.

20  And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard: 21  And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. Tisk tisk tisk... that’s bad. Because remember the rule where God said that... um... well, remember the time that... uh... because back in that one part... wait... Is this actually a problem? I don’t see anything suggesting this would be a problem. 

22  And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. 23  And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. Oh snap! Ham’s in so much trouble! Because remember the rule where God said that... um... well, remember the time that... uh... because back in that one part... wait... Is this actually a problem? I don’t see anything suggesting this would be a problem.  

24  And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. Told his brothers that Dad was naked and passed out drunk. The horror! And younger? I thought we established that Noah had triplets? There’s nothing to suggest ANYTHING inappropriate occurred, or that Ham had anything but the best intentions when informing his brothers. Any implication that Ham was mocking Noah, or that some sort of sexual perversion occurred is simply not found in the actual story.    25  And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Wait... What? That escalated quickly. Can Noah hand out curses? He’s a wizard? Cool. And why then is he cursing Ham’s child instead of Ham? This is simply to establish the legitimacy of Israel's conquest of the Canaanites. Because Noah had cursed them, God’s chosen people were able conquer them with a clean conscience. Isn’t theological nonsense fun?  26  And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. 27  God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant. This means that Shem would get the physical blessings of conquering Canaan, and Japheth would inherit spiritual blessings from the God of Shem. Because the line of Shem leads to *drum roll* you guessed it! JESUS CHRIST!   28  And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years. 29  And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died. God kind of already said that people couldn’t live more than 120 years. So... why is Noah living to be almost 1000? Did all of his kids and grandchildren and THEIR children all die before Noah?

[stevejehovahbible]

GENESIS 8

1  And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged; So let’s set the scene: torrential rain pouring down from the sky in buckets. Water erupting from the earth’s crust in geysers. Millions of gallons of water deposited on the earth every day. worldwide flooding to the extent that mountains are covered. Everything is dead except the inhabitants of this singular boat that was impossibly built by 8 people in less time than they would need to build it, and somehow fits more animals and food than could actually fit in it. And during all of this, God apparently nipped off to watch a Battlestar Galactica marathon and forgot what was going on with His mass genocide? After 150 days (or is it 40 days? This narrative jumps around the timeline like a bad episode of Doctor Who directed by M. Night Shyamalan) a lightbulb goes off over God’s head, and he remembers that he has to save Noah and his zoo cruise, or else he’ll have to do all the difficult work of breathing on dust again. So what does God do to save Noah? Does He snap His all-powerful fingers and remove the water? No. He turns on a cosmic blowdryer, and slowly drys out the earth. Because reasons. He can create the world, animals, plants, people, etc… in just 7 days, but needs months to dry the earth out? Sure.      

2  The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained; 3  And the waters returned from off the earth continually: and after the end of the hundred and fifty days the waters were abated. The waters “returned”? To where? The firmament? Because we know that’s not the case (thank you science!) and we know that there’s not millions of gallons of water under the earth’s crust either. And while we’re on the subject, let’s attempt a science experiment at home! *cue Bill Nye music* Get a large pot, and a small cup. Fill the pot with fresh water, and the cup with salt water. Now drop the cup into the pot. Now wave your magic wand and chant spells from the Necronomicon until the fresh water separates from the salt water again. Because that’s what’s happening here. The only way around this is more theistic gobbledygook about how “maybe there wasn’t salt water back then.” It’s amazing how they always seem to find a solution that has NO evidence at all to support it, but is somehow accepted as plausible because it allows them to go on believing their narrative. Because that’s how science works, right?

4  And the ark rested in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, upon the mountains of Ararat. So - just so we’re clear - God’s perfect plan is to set the ark down on a mountain top? So now Noah, his family, and all the animals have to climb down a mountain and make their way back to somewhere hospitable? The penguins had to waddle down from somewhere on a 17000 foot high mountain, and then slowly make their way to Antarctica? Or Australia? Or New Zealand? Or Chile? Or Argentina? Or South Africa? Or one of several islands located between the 45º and 58º latitude South? Because there’s penguins in ALL of those places. They APPARENTLY all came from the two penguins that started off on a mountaintop in Turkey and managed to leave ZERO evidence of their migration to any of these places? That IS miraculous. And this miraculous event occurred multiple times with kangaroos and their migration to Australia, the migration of Kiwis to New Zealand, and polar bears to North America.          

5  And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month: in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, were the tops of the mountains seen. 6  And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made: 7  And he sent forth a raven, which went forth to and fro, until the waters were dried up from off the earth.
 The ark came to rest on the mountains on the 7th month (lets say July), but the tops of the mountains weren’t seen until the 10th month (October)? So it took almost 3 months to remove the 22 feet of water OVER the mountains, but then God turned the cosmic blowdryer up to maximum and removed the other 17000 feet of water in the next few months? Really? And this raven that got let out in the 9th months (September) just flew around for months on end until the earth was dried out? Why? What about that raven’s mate? How are they going to repopulate the earth with ravens if one of them is out flying around and the other is chilling in the ark?  

8  Also he sent forth a dove from him, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground; 9  But the dove found no rest for the sole of her foot, and she returned unto him into the ark, for the waters were on the face of the whole earth: then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark. The dove flew back into his hand? This Noah guy should be a stage magician. That’s impressive. Also remember, according to this story NOTHING floats. This bird found NOTHING to land on. No wood. No floating corpses - which apparently all dissolved, or got eaten by magic fish that survived the blend of clear and salt water, or fell into an inter-dimensional wormhole that transported them to a planet made entirely out of pizza where they all play in a Rush tribute band (which is just as likely as any of these other stupid explanations).  

10  And he stayed yet other seven days; and again he sent forth the dove out of the ark; 11  And the dove came in to him in the evening; and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf pluckt off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth. Here we see the first prototype for Sherlock Holmes. Remember, nothing floats Watson! The ONLY way this bird could find an olive leaf, is if she pluckt it from dry ground! *Bum bum buuuuuuuuum!* And isn’t it amazing how quickly things start to grow again? Seven days from nothing, to a fresh olive leaf! That flood water must have contained a healthy dosage of miracle grow.

12  And he stayed yet other seven days; and sent forth the dove; which returned not again unto him any more. So it found dry land? Or maybe it died. Or was eaten by a giant fish. Or fell into an inter-dimensional wormhole that transported her to a planet made entirely out of pizza where she plays in a Rush tribute band. We’ll never know.

13  And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry. 14  And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried. So the math here is tricky, because the narrative is bouncing back and forth like a drunken fish on a trampoline. It SEEMS like the inhabitants of the ark are stuck on it for 378 days. So just over a year. In that (relatively speaking) little boat. With all those animals. Seems legit. And what’s this about a covering? Removed it how? Is the ark a convertible? Then Noah sees that the ground is dry, and goes back into the ark for another two months. WHAT? Why?!? It’s like he’s saying, “The ground is dry, but it looks muddy. I don’t want to get my new Nike’s dirty. Let’s just chill in this cramped box full of animal poop for another 50 days or so. Everyone cool with that? Gotta keep my kicks clean.”    

15  And God spake unto Noah, saying, 16  Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee. 17  Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth. 18  And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him: 19  Every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark. God finally tells Noah that his shoes will be fine, and he can leave the floating zoo. Horraay! And also to let all the animals out so they can make with the procreation and repopulate the earth. Sure. And the lions didn’t just straight up eat the rabbits and the zebras? Because….? Let me guess. GOD intervened. Amazing how much intervention He’s able to pull off in this story. No time to help the infants with their bone cancer, or to fix world hunger and starvation. Plenty of time to keep animals from snacking on each other so His genocidal plan can have a story book ending. How sweet. Also we have this repetition AGAIN! Shortened version: “God told Noah to get everything off the boat, and he did.”

20  And Noah builded an altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. 21  And the Lord smelled a sweet savour; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 22  While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. WHAT? WHATT? WHATTT? So Noah saves the animals from God killing them, and then sacrifices some of them to the SAME GOD that was going to drown them? You can’t be serious. You can’t. They were preserved to repopulate the earth, and you just snuffed them to appease this petulant child? And this God… this loving God… is HAPPY with the sacrifice and ENJOYS the smell of burning flesh (see the story of Cain in Genesis 4). This prompts him to say something to himself, which is inexplicably written down. Try this out. Have an internal thought. Just in your head. Don’t verbalize it. Wait as long as you possibly can (because in THIS story, generations pass) and when you’re on your deathbed, ask someone who wasn’t even there at the time to write down what YOUR internal thought was. Have fun with that. It will be just as reliable as the nonsense recorded here. God has another lightbulb moment here, when he suddenly realizes that “the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth” (which, wouldn’t that be a design flaw if it’s a legitimate problem?) and therefor will not give out any more farming curses or drown everyone with water. How thoughtful.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 7

1  And the Lord said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation. 
If Noah is the only righteous man, why is God saving his family? They’re not listed as righteous, or in God’s favor. And if God is going to make an exception for them, why not do the same for at least a few other people so the Earth doesn’t have to be repopulated through incest? 


2  Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. 3  Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. 
Now we have different numbers of animals than He listed before. Originally, in Genesis 6:19-20 He said a pair of every animal. One male, one female. Now He says 7 pair of clean animals (so 14 of them), and two pair of the unclean animals (so 4 of them). Why can’t God keep his numbers straight? Also, he makes no mention of the animals coming to Noah like he did in the last chapter.


4  For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. 5  And Noah did according unto all that the Lord commanded him. God gives Noah a week to load up the ark, and it takes him the entire week to complete the task. Some people suggest this is God’s final act of mercy before the flood, giving everyone a final week to repent. That doesn’t seem to make much sense, but that hasn’t stopped anything so far! Observation would lead you to believe that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to flood the earth with rain over 40 days, and even if you could, atmospheric conditions wouldn’t allow for a consistent 40 days of worldwide rainfall. How do we get around this logical barricade? Simple. Remember the firmament from earlier? Well, we’re asked to accept that God just opened that up and dumped all the water being held back onto the earth. Because EVERYTHING that defies logic can be explained away with mental gymnastics and baseless assertions. either God planed to exterminate the human race before he even created the first human being (contemplate THAT for a second!) or He’s just pulling a Macgyver and using whatever happens to be lying around to accomplish his impulsive genocide. Neither one of those fits with the Christian idea of God.      

6  And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
 So, if we take the text literally, Noah had tripletts when he was 500 years old. Not 499 or 501. Exactly his 500th year. And God came to him AFTER his sons were born (Genesis 6:10-13) and told him all this was going to go down. So they have less than 100 years to complete this project. We’re not told exactly when the boat construction begins, but you can at least guess that Noah didn’t have 3 infants running around with hammers. If we accept that they’d be at least 20 years old, then we have 80 years at maximum for 4 men and 4 women - 8 people - to complete this task while simultaneously living their lives. Ken Ham’s Ark Encounter project employed over 1000 craftsmen using modern equipment, cost over $100 million to create, and still took 3 and a half years to complete. That means that the Ark Encounter had 125 times the manpower that Noah used to build his boat. Even if you ignore the boost from modern equipment that Noah and his family didn’t have access to, that would suggest that it would have taken Noah almost 400 years to complete his Ark, not 80. Math! It is also (apparently) a Satanic conspiracy!       


7  And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood. 8  Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, 9  There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah. 
Actually, that’s only one of the contradictory numbers of Animals God commanded him to take. Now we have 2 pair (so 4 total) of every animal. Remember, Genesis 6 says to take a pair of all the animals. Verse 2 and 3 of THIS SAME CHAPTER says to take 14 clean animals and 4 unclean animals. Now we’re told that it’s 4 of every kind of animal. This also paints a picture of animals boarding the Ark as it begins to rain, which is weird because God gave Noah a week to get them situated BEFORE the flood.


10  And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth. 11  In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. 12  And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights. 13  In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark; 14  They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort. 15  And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life. 16  And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the Lord shut him in.
 So it says here that Noah, his family, and all the animals went into the ark “in the selfsame day” as the beginning of the flood waters. Again, this just isn’t possible. You can’t have a procession of 2 (or is it 4? Or 14?) of every kind of animals entering a boat as a worldwide flood breaks on the earth. People would panic and rush the ark. The animals would get spooked by “the fountains of the deep being broken up, and the windows of heaven being opened.” This is suggesting volcanic activity and torrential storms, but we’re asked to accept that animals are calmly walking onto a boat during this, and that no-one else attempted to fight their way onto the ark? Suuuuuuure…. And then why did God shut them into the ark? Noah opens the door by himself later, but God had to shut it for them? Weird.   


17  And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth. 18  And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters. 19  And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. 20  Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
 Mountains. Supposedly the rain covered the earth to the point that the highest mountains were 22 feet beneath the water. The highest mountain in that area would have been Ararat (where the ark eventually settles) which has an elevation of over 17000 feet. Now, it has been suggested that if we wanted to cover the globe with a single layer of paint, we would need upwards of 14.6 trillion gallons (surface area of the earth is 196.9 millions sq miles, and a typical gallon of paint covers 350-400 sq ft). And all of this would be just enough to cover the earth in a thin sheet. In order to flood the earth, the volume of water needed would be astronomical. There would be irrefutable proof of this kind of flooding. Proof that could be measured, documented, and would need to be universally accepted. Instead we find the same level of proof offered for everything else in the bible. Tedious links, coincidences mistaken as divine intervention, misunderstood facts, misapplied data. I wish I could say this was surprising, but it isn’t. One further point: if the flooding covered the mountains, it could not be a localized flood as some claim. Nice try, but no. The bible is clearly suggesting a worldwide flood.        


21  And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: 22  All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. 23  And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. 24  And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days. We’re treated to ANOTHER repetition of how everything dies. Because we didn’t get it the last dozen times. We’re then told that they (Noah, his family, all the animals) are in the ark for a total of 150 days - about 5 months - before the flood waters subside. They must have had a fantastic water filtration system to be able to get fresh water for all those animals for that amount of time, right? They must have also packed a bunch of that Lembas bread Tolkin wrote about, because otherwise I’m not sure how they could have fed all the animals for that long.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 6

1  And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, 2  That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. Angels having sex with humans! Someone call up those idiots who did Twilight. They’ll jump all over this crap. I personally like that this is another one of those things that the bible doesn’t comment on very much. Not worth expounding on angels screwing humans and making giant babies. Lets just list out genealogies and repeat ourselves a bunch instead. We can even include 4 stories about the same demigod carpenter guy. Just don’t get caught up on the Angel sex.

3  And the Lord said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years. Couldn’t you have just started off like that? Like, I’m amazed at how incompetent this version of God is. He constantly has to update his plans and work on the fly. Shouldn’t he be better prepared?

4  There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. Wait... What? Giants? You did say giants, right? Just checking. We’re still reading a holy book, and not a collection of fairy tales, right? Because it kind of seems like we’ve stepped outside the realms of reality and into Jack and the Beanstalk. Fe! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell bullcrap!

5  And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. God does a science.

6  And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. God regrets his creation. God. The God. He regrets his creation. That shouldn’t even be possible.

7  And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. God just decides to go full on Jeffrey Dahmer on His creation and kill them all. Even the animals who have done nothing wrong. Because that’s the best plan He could come up with. Drown everything.  

8  But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Literally one man? That’s it? From the entire population of the world, no one else was even worth trying to reform? Just Noah?

9  These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. Blameless in his generations refers to that “holy seed” we mentioned earlier.

10  And Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 11  The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. 12  And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. 13  And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. God-nald Trump: The earth is so corrupt. Very corrupt. Unbelievably corrupt. It makes me want to drown them for being so corrupt. Believe me.

14  Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. 15  And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. 16  A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. So a cubit is roughly 18 - 20 inches, depending on who you ask. So lets just say for the sake of illustration, if we use 6ft tall men, it’s approximately 75 men long, 12.5 men wide, and 7.5 men high. That’s it. Not a vey big boat, relatively speaking.

17  And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. 18  But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee. Imma kill everyone and everything but you. You cool with that?

19  And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. 20  Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. 21  And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. 22  Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he. Here God says two of every kind of animal will come to them. Remember that for later when He changes that number. He also says to “take EVERY kind of food that is eaten” for provisions. First, the animals would never fit into this tiny boat. Secondly, they’d never be able to store up food that didn’t spoil, and they wouldn’t have room to fit it on the ark even if they did. Lastly, they would never be able to build this ark by themselves. Just ask Ken Ham and his laughable Ark Experience. The entire foundation for this story is bollocks.

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 5

1  This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2  Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. So here both man and woman are created simultaneously and both are named Adam, when previously we’re told that only Adam was named Adam, and Eve was created much later when God couldn’t find him a helper. This entire timeline is screwed up.

3  And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth: 4  And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters: 5  And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died. 6  And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: 7  And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat sons and daughters: 8  And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years: and he died. 9  And Enos lived ninety years, and begat Cainan: 10  And Enos lived after he begat Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begat sons and daughters: 11  And all the days of Enos were nine hundred and five years: and he died. 12  And Cainan lived seventy years, and begat Mahalaleel: 13  And Cainan lived after he begat Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begat sons and daughters: 14  And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years: and he died. 15  And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begat Jared: 16  And Mahalaleel lived after he begat Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begat sons and daughters: 17  And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years: and he died. 18  And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch: 19  And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 20  And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died. 21  And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah: 22  And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters: 23  And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: Lots of begetting and unbelievably long lives. Supposedly some of these people were living to be almost 1000 years old.

24  And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him. Two words: Alien abduction. We see this same thing later with a crazy desert dwelling prophet and a fiery chariot (maybe a UFO?), and it’s mentioned in the bible as if it’s perfectly normal. The idea that someone could just poof out of existence without dying and be transported to a different realm of existence is seen as incidental and not worth expounding on. We get THREE creation accounts, but one measly sentence about this.  

25  And Methuselah lived an hundred eighty and seven years, and begat Lamech: 26  And Methuselah lived after he begat Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begat sons and daughters: 27  And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years: and he died. 28  And Lamech lived an hundred eighty and two years, and begat a son: 29  And he called his name Noah, saying, This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the Lord hath cursed. So this seems to suggest that Lamech had some sort of insight that Noah would be special. He basically says that Noah will give them relief from the farming curse that God put on Adam. That doesn’t really happen though.

30  And Lamech lived after he begat Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begat sons and daughters: 31  And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years: and he died. 32  And Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. This entire section is used by “young earth” creationists to propagate their wackadoo beliefs that the earth is only between 6000 to 12000 years old. If you add up all the listed years between Adam and Noah, it’s 1656 years according to these passages. Supposedly this is following the lineage of the “holy seed” that eventually leads to Jesus, which is why only specific children are mentioned. Everyone else is just fish food. Fossils and other ACTUAL evidence from science (which, if you’ll remember, IS a Satanic conspiracy) show these beliefs to be totally impossible, but that doesn’t stop crazy people from taking them seriously anyway.      

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 4

1  And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. It’s unclear exactly what help the Lord was, or why she’s happy to have gotten “a man”.

2  And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. As if they’re born into these professions. Why couldn’t they both farm AND keep sheep?

3  And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord. 
“In process of time” is wishy-washy language that doesn’t belong in a holy book that’s supposedly been scribed by God.


4  And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering: 5  But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. Offerings… The belief was that when you burnt something, the smoke would rise up to the heavens (where god lived, up in the sky) and the smell was pleasing to him. Here we have someone burning meat and fat, and someone else trying to burn vegetation. The vegetables don’t burn (because they’re vegetables) and so Cain thinks God is displeased. Further evidence of primitive cultures making up stories to explain things they don’t understand.

6  And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? Well, I can’t imagine. Might have something to do with you rejecting his gift. That’s kind of rude.

7  If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him. God basically suggests that if you’re not “accepted” it’s because you didn’t do enough. It’s YOUR fault your prayers went unanswered. YOUR fault you felt disconnected from God. It’s all on you. This removes all responsibility from the shoulders of this supposed all-powerful being, and rests it squarely on His confused, powerless, infantile creation. Seems reasonable.

8  And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. The first in an endless line of religiously motivated killings. Imagine a world where someone had the wherewithal to tell Cain that God wasn’t mad at him, you just can’t burn vegetables. Able would have lived. That’s the world we need to move toward. No killing or discrimination over stupid beliefs.  

9  And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? 10  And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. So God is able to hear Abel’s blood crying out from the earth, pulls a Nancy Drew to figure out what transpired here, and then proceeds to hand out a holy butt kicking to Cain. Fine. One problem though... Stuff like this happens all the time. Where’s the justice for the rape victims? The molested children? Victims of abuse? Is their suffering not loud enough to move God? This one family is just super important to Him I guess.

11  And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand; 12  When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. Another farming curse. God is apparently big on these. I’m also unclear as to how he could be a “fugitive and a vagabond” when there’s only two other people on earth. Who both just happen to be his parents. Even if you accept the idea of other siblings, which has no basis in anything but wishful thinking, there’s still only a handful of people who are all his direct family.

13  And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Is it really though? As far as punishments go, it’s pretty benign.

14  Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me. Really? You’re gonna be hidden from a being who can see everything? Just like Adam did in the garden? Where did Cain get magic shrubbery? And why would people (also remember, it’s just his family) automatically try to kill Cain?    

15  And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. Magic tattoos? Ok. Why not? We’ve already accepted talking animals, magic fruit, spinning flame swords, a flat earth, that the moon is a light source, people who can hide from an all seeing being... let’s just add magic tattoos on the pile. I’m also unclear as to how enacting vengeance on someone who kills him is helpful. He’ll still be dead, and now someone else is gonna be dead seven times (which makes no sense either, but lets just roll with it).

16  And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. Hold up. God’s presence is localized? You can just get up and leave? Mind = Blown. Double hold up. You can’t settle down and dwell in the land of Nod if you’re a vagabond. More of God lying! I’m starting to wonder if anything this guy says is true.

17  And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. Tripple hold up. Wife? The only conceivable option here would be his sister (ewwww) and if that’s the case then why is she also living in Nod, away from God’s presence? I thought everyone was going to try to kill him. Now he’s got a wife? Also, he built a city. By himself. And named it after his son. He’s sounding less and less like a vagabond here.

18  And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. 19  And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. Polygamy! Polyamory! Say it ain’t so! Don’t Christians have a big problem with that? Seems like there’s more bible verses that give a pass to multiple partners than there are disparaging homosexuality. Gotta love that cherry picking.  

20  And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle. 21  And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ. 22  And Zillah, she also bare Tubal–cain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubal–cain was Naamah. So people again (just like Cain and Able earlier) are born into these professions. The children of Jabal live in tents and have cattle. The children of Jubal play music. That’s such a ridiculous idea. Talents and skills are not handed down genetically.  

23  And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt. 24  If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. Cool story bro. Not sure why it’s relevant or who cares. You killed two people instead of one and now God has to kill someone 77 times if they kill you? Where’d you learn your logic? The Not-Good-Logic store?

25  And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. 26  And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord. One of the most offensive verses in the entire bible. People are not commodities. You can’t just replace them. You’ll see this concept again in the book of Job where God replaces his childeren after they’re killed as a result of His childish wager with the devil. The fact that a religious text, supposedly inspired by God, would contain something like this is disgusting.  

[stevejehovahbible]

Genesis 3

1  Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? Right off the bat we’ve got a talking snake. Snakes don’t talk. I can’t believe I even have to point that out.

2  And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3  But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 2:9 actually says that the Tree Of Life is the tree “in the midst of the garden”. As far as we know from the text, God never gave this message directly to the woman, which might be why she misquotes what God actually said to Adam in Genesis 2:17. Here we have a perfect example of exactly why we shouldn’t take the bible seriously (aside from the talking animals, contradictions, and pseudoscience): a message is corrupted after passing passing through only TWO people. How much more corrupted could we expect a message to become after being handed down verbally through multiple generations, copied multiple times once it was finally written down, edited and adjusted by those who wanted to use it for their own needs, and translated multiple times by scribes? Somewhere along the way we can virtually guarantee parts of the original message were lost, changed, or misrepresented.  

4  And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: 5  For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Point of fact here: The serpent is 100% correct on both counts.

6  And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. 7  And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. So now the woman eats from the tree, and Adam is with her but, for some reason he doesn’t talk to the snake at all. To be totally fair here, before either of them could KNOW that they shouldn’t eat from the tree, they’d have to first eat from the tree. Paradox time! God is now going to punish them for doing something that they couldn’t know they weren’t supposed to do until after they did it. And where did they learn how to sew? What did they use for needles and thread? Also we see here that knowledge of evil seems to create evil. They had no problem being naked until they understood what it meant to be naked, and then suddenly it was a problem. So being naked wasn’t “evil” until their perceptions were altered by the fruit. That seems to suggest there is no objective morality. Fancy that.

8  And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. Point of fact: You can't hide from an all knowing, all seeing, all powerful being by ducking behind some shrubbery. Sorry, but no.  

9  And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? 10  And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. Verse 7 JUST said they sewed aprons for themselves. Now they’re saying they’re naked. Pick one. Also, God totally sucks at hide and seek.

11  And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? Duh. How else would he find out? Shouldn’t God already know this?

12  And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13  And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. 14  And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: 15  And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. The serpent gets a bum rap here. He did NOTHING but tell the truth and he’s punished with a curse above all cattle and field beasts (which makes no sense because they’re not cursed) and enmity with human kind. Also, if God can create enmity, shouldn’t he be able to create peace also? So all the strife in the world is 100% God’s fault. Racism, sexism, homophobia, wars, etc... all caused by God. But if you read the bible, you knew that already. ;-)    

16  Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. So either they already had kids, or the multiplied pain in childbirth is a meaningless punishment.  

17  And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18  Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19  In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Adam screws up, so the ground gets cursed? How does that make any sense? Earlier God placed him in the garden to “dress and keep it”, meaning he was working already, so now it’s just harder to get food? That’s the whole punishment? Thorns and thistles must have already existed, or Adam wouldn’t have any idea what he was talking about. This whole section of God’s punishments is weird. You’d think GOD could come up with something better than eating dust, pain in childbirth, and difficult farming.

20  And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Nice time to FINALLY give your wife a name. While God is handing out punishment. And props for making it embarrassingly misogynistic and entirely related to her ability to produce children. Now that she’s useful, we won’t just refer to her as “the woman” anymore.

21  Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them. God is a tailor now? He made them clothes out of animal skins? Seriously?

22  And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: *GASP* Just like the serpent said! Nice of God to simultaneously prove him right AND prove Himself to be a liar.

23  Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken. 24  So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life. Angels and a spinning fire sword? I’m sorry, did we just leave the bible and start reading from Dungeons And Dragons? No? Just checking... That’s a good way to block a magic tree I guess. Why not?