#newmutants100

[gaknar]

Want to know how to end a pretty great series with a gigantic wet fart? This is how. New Mutants #100. This is the wet fart. Over the course of its 100 issue run, New Mutants went from being a pretty good X-Men spinoff that meticulously emulated the tone and themes of Uncanny X-Men to . . . whatever the fuck this is. Just a gigantic wet fart filled with more douchebag edgelords than you can shake a vest pouch at. I don’t blame the writers. I don’t even blame Rob Liefeld. I blame us. The readers. Because we (I, in particular) ate this shit up at the time. We could not possibly get enough of it. Do you have any idea how hard I was for the first issue of X-Force back then? Well not that hard, because I was a kid and hadn’t gone through puberty yet, but metaphorically I was ROCK hard. ADAMANTIUM hard. ADAMANTIUM-VIBRANIUM hard. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

This is how New Mutants ends. With Cannonball and Boom Boom giving each other a pelvis hug. Seriously that is an awkwardly drawn hug if I ever saw one. It’s fucking sad when you sit here and think about it. What a wonderful series this was. And you barely notice it’s over because we’re scooting off to start the infinitely inferior X-Force. Well let’s not make a big deal about this. God knows the writers aren’t. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

Shatterstar plops right down into the Danger Room from out of nowhere exactly the same way Longshot did. I was going to make a joke about Mojo having a teleportation portal directly from the Mojoverse into the Danger Room, but you know what, he probably actually does, and that’s why these twinkly eyed fuck faces keep teleporting in there. I mean, Mojo implanted cybernetic eyeballs into Psylocke so he could spy on the X-Men and broadcast their adventures on his reality TV show, so why wouldn’t he have a teleportation portal directly into the Danger Room. Regardless, it looks like Shatterstar is going to fit in nicely around here. With the rest of these douchebag edgelords.

Hahaha “Mojo-sniffer” ok that was pretty good. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

So the Morlocks got Massacred a while back. It was kind of a big deal. There was a whole story about it. And now they are practically extinct (supposedly). The few who survived are being led around by Masque in a really toxically abusive power dynamic. And this is how Cable treats a race of creatures that have been through genocide? He just blows them the fuck away without a millisecond of diplomacy? What. A fucking. Piece of shit. And he does it like he’s 1970s Clint Eastwood. Like he’s some kind of hardcore badass. This poor guy was probably just doing his job! And he probably didn’t feel like he had any other socially acceptable opportunities, considering he’s a freaky looking Morklock! If Cable had, oh I don’t know, offered him a job instead of shooting him in the head, I bet he would have been thrilled to be X-Force’s janitor!! But now we’ll never know because you just blew his brains out all over the wall of the Danger Room. Great tactical move there you dumb piece of shit. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

Watching these two dinks go at it is like watching that Boba Fett show. I hate it and I want to stop watching it but that’s not really an option considering my worldview. Seriously, if you could teleport back in time and tell 16 year old Gaknar that there’s a TV show called Boba Fett and a single bounty does not get hunted in the whole god damned thing, I would have cut you. I mean what is this Dances with Sandpeople shit. I was surprised that they didn’t show him take a Sandwoman bride and have excruciatingly painful mating rituals with her. Can you imagine? Maybe he did take a Sandwoman bride and that’s why he needed the bacta tank for like the next 3 years. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

I can’t even remember who these guys are that are attacking the New Mutant’s underground base here. Are they Mojo’s soldiers? Does Mojo even have soldiers that don’t look like zenobites? I don’t know. Let’s just shuffle along here and get to the end of this comic.

This is really confusingly framed here too. Did Shatterstar commit Yoshimitsu to kill this guy? I can’t tell because he doesn’t seem wounded afterward. Does this ambiguously powered dork have a healing factor? He probably does if that’s what Rob was feeling that afternoon. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

And this is how X-Force starts. I can remember that for some reason Stryfe looks like Cable, but I’ll be fucked if I could remember why. I don’t think I stuck around reading X-Force long enough to get an explanation back when this was being published. Is he a clone? Does it have something to do with what they were going to do with Ahab? Could anyone possibly be bothered to care? I guess we’ll find out in the exciting pages of X-Force. (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)

[gaknar]

Well this is how Feral joins the team. She gets caught looting the cupboards like Jubilee and then she begs them for help by saying pwetty pwease. It is it really that gross Boom Boom? Is this the first time the you’ve ever seen a were-girl raiding the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning? I doubt it. I’m surprised Boom Boom even realized this wasn’t Wolfsbane. I can’t tell the difference. Could these characters be made of any thinner cardboard? (New Mutants #100 – Apr 1991)