#nicacontent

[nicaninetynine]

What I want

I have always wondered what could be a unique story in my life worthy of being shared and allow my readers to feel different emotions. My life has been somehow a routine for me - a routine for an ordinary human being. Be in school, learn new things, grow up, and hopefully, find happiness in between these events. As I type this at almost lunch, I am in conflict as to whether I should celebrate that tomorrow’s a holiday in my province which means there would be no classes or feel nervous because today is another day at internship. As much as I want to learn during this time, a part of me feels that I should take it easy. Should I take it easy? I’m on my hopefully last year in university if things go well. If someone asks me what I want, I would say two things: To have mental stability and to finish my studies. I know, the environment at work is different but eventually, I must accept the fact that work is going to be a part of my life soon. I see family and friends who work every day and I can’t help but think that they seem to take it easy. But.. mental stability isn’t something we see through the naked eye. A friend of mine may seem fine but is actually suffering from stress at work. A sibling of mine may seem to be not busy because she watches Netflix while at work but may be tired from long meetings and watching is her way of coping. We never actually know how truly one feels. I don’t even know what to feel. Should I celebrate? Should I be nervous? Should I take it easy and relax? I don’t know. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’m not okay. This feeling isn’t always here. It pops out of nowhere, in times where I don’t need it. It sometimes appears in the corner of my room, making me feel scared of the future. Can I just skip this part? Can I fast forward to the part where I’m stable mentally and financially? How long do I have to wait?

The things we want don’t come easy, I know. Everyone may have had an experience or two that almost broke them but made them stronger. I want to be hopeful and say that time will come wherein I won’t have to feel confused or scared. I want to be hopeful and realize that the corners of my room are safe with no lingering dark feeling. I want to stay hopeful. I want everything around me to make me realize that despite how life has been difficult, I will be able to see the light soon. 

[nicaninetynine]

Emotional Dependency 053021

For someone who creates different projects through code, dependency is a word that I am very familiar with. I install different dependencies needed in my application. For a normal person, dependency can simply mean being dependent on something; just like how a sick person is dependent on a certain medicine or a baby being naturally dependent on a parent. But I’m a 21 turning 22-year old individual whose life hasn’t been figured out - I haven’t even finished my degree yet. No pressure, though. We all have our own rates of growth, our own pace. I think it’s safe to say that it’s common for people in my age to wish that clocks turned faster. As much as being young comes with a lesser sense of responsibility, wouldn’t it also be great to earn your own money and spend it on yourself?

Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to not talk about the future. These thoughts came to life because of some realizations of a 1-day trip outside my home.

My mood is easily affected because I’m too emotionally dependent on someone. I’ve met people in the past that I liked but I clearly remember that I was never like this to them. Last night, while holding a plate to eat dinner, I accidentally bumped on the wall while thinking of how fucked up my mind is. It can be easy to say to not think of this person too much but trust me, I have been struggling to love myself more ever since the year started. At the end of the day, I end up losing my mood because we weren’t able to talk well.

Our priorities differ. He works, I study. Most of the time, we’re both busy but I recently told him that the kind of busy he has and I have is different. My busy entails being in front of my laptop for a maximum of 12 hours or even more. In between, I scroll my social media accounts. Meanwhile, his busy isn’t like that. I always, always, always miss him. But what can I do when we’re both busy with our own lives? As much as I want the both of us to grow individually but not apart, I always have to remind myself that we have better things to prioritize.

I have been struggling mentally maybe around the time I started college and the reason is merely Academics. It was because of this relationship that I discovered how much I still have to grow and improve. That I’m a person who also needs some comfort and love after a long day of coding. That I tend to get needy. That I usually overthink. That I need constant reassurance. Sometimes, these things are put into a halt when he gets to spend time with me, but when he’s gone, I feel like I need more room for self-improvement.

But why do I stay despite things resulting into compromising my mental health? Simply because as cheesy as it sounds, love, can become one’s safe place. I remember being unable to sleep well because I couldn’t install a certain application needed for my project. Decided to try the next day, but the night before that, he randomly woke up and I think, asked why I was still awake. I felt nothing but relief when he asked that. His voice comforted my mind and pushed me to rest that night. It was then when I realized that I really am in love with him. 

You can be in love but relationships are not perfect from the start. Instead, they are supposed to improve over time. You can spend the whole day together but still get immature fights every now and then. It is through these misunderstandings that we get to know ourselves better. The other night, I told him how he was unfair for not telling me how he really felt; why he felt distant. But I also made him worry a few nights earlier without telling him what happened and leaving him thinking what actually happened to me. It is always important to tell the truth. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t easily tell him that I broke down that night. There you have it, the thing I need to improve with. We’re still young and we have all the time in our lives to improve but a part of me wants more. Hopes for more time but when your enemy is something you can’t easily defeat, ehem priorities, then most of the time, all we have to do is wait until they’re ready.

I always remind myself to not get too toxic. But I feel like I’m being toxic and I just never get to tell him. I tell myself to not demand too much because it can be suffocating. This setup is difficult especially when I’m always hoping even for a little of his free time but I hope and pray that this goes well for the both of us. And if we’re truly the ones in the end, then I truly wish that we get to spend the rest of our lives well.

Here’s to conquering emotional dependency. Not now, but soon I will.

[nicaninetynine]

 021421

Chocolates here, bouquets there, love everywhere! Today is a special day for a lot especially those whose hearts have so much love to give to others. For some, it can be another excuse to give gifts to the people they like or to even confess. Nonetheless, today, just like any other day, is worth spending time with the people we truly love and care about.

This is probably the first time I ever wrote about Valentine’s Day because love has always been there and it’s worth celebrating every single day.  But what makes today so special? Is it because of the long queue of Instagram stories filled with bouquets and chocolates? Is it because everyone else is celebrating it and has become part of our culture already? But who cares, though? We’re allowed to celebrate love whenever we feel like it. Love shouldn’t be hard to give but honestly, self-love can be hard. I mean, love doesn’t always start with soft marshmallows and fragrant perfumes; sometimes it starts with hard rocks and unpleasant thoughts. Maybe love is like that. It’s different for every person. Love can be so easy to the point that we think this person is the one we want to spend our lifetime with. It can also be so difficult that we would feel like giving up anytime. Regardless of how love treats us, may we never forget that love has always been there and we have become inevitable recipients of it and yes, whether we like(or love?) it or not. Ironic, right? Because sometimes even though love is given to us at either big or small amounts, we may not always appreciate it and it’s okay. It’s okay to choose ourselves over love no matter how sweet it may seem. Like I said, self-love can be hard and it truly is. But that is what makes love so much worth it. We get to learn more about ourselves or about our significant others when we invest love. We are given the opportunity to fully comprehend what it’s like to be in love and to be loved because when time comes that we have to give or receive love, we are already familiar with the feeling. Love is beautiful despite its difficulty. Love is amazing and meaningful. Love will always be worth it.

And to you who spent the time reading this, may you find love in the most beautiful ways.  💖  

Happy Valentine’s!

Photo by Michael Schaffler from Unsplash

[nicaninetynine]

Dear Anxiety

Are you even dear? Doesn’t dear mean being precious or beloved? That is why we write Dear God, Dear Mom, Dear Dad to the prayers and letters we make.

Dear Anxiety, 

You aren’t precious. You aren’t beloved. I don’t even want you inside me anymore. You’ve been inside me ever since I realized that not all physical things can hurt you. Stories can hurt me. Grades can hurt me. My own mind has the power to hurt me.

They say you only get hurt when you let people do so. I try my best to be strong everyday. I try my best to protect myself from getting hurt. I try my best to turn my frowns into smiles. I try my best to make my negative thoughts turn positive. You see, it can be tiring to always be in a bubble and the only thing you can see is the pressure from everything that’s draining you. 

These days, even the simplest things can make me anxious. I thought that when I distract myself, I’d feel better knowing that I wouldn’t always think about one thing. I want to fix myself but I can’t. How am I going to fix myself when I’m broken? I thought time would heal me but it just hides the anxiety and comes back when it feels like hurting me again.

Dear Anxiety, you were worse two months ago. I still remember how you were called up to hurt me. As I scrolled through Reddit, I read by a scary post that I couldn’t quite remember now and poof - you were there constantly reminding me that you are back. Sleeping was troubling ever since then. I just wanted to drown myself in codes and paperwork so that I would feel better. Let me tell you, anxiety.. You were worse this year than the last. I remember last year how I couldn’t stop thinking about academics because of you. When things were over, you were gone. I didn’t want you to come back but you did.

But you know what, Anxiety? You have probably made me a better person by teaching me the hard way about decision-making. But.. I don’t want you back anymore. 

Who am I to tell you to not come back? You’re here inside me. While I type this letter, I know later or tomorrow you’re going to haunt me. I just want to be stronger tomorrow so that I can fight tomorrow’s Anxiety. Everyday’s a battle, I guess.

[nicaninetynine]

I hate..?

Hate is such a strong word, they say. But what I feel is also strong that hate fits perfectly.

I hate how I lie to myself that I'm fine. How I must convince myself that I can still feel happy. Sure, I can but the finish line still brings me to this self-hate and sadness.

I hate how I lie to other people especially those who are close to me. To people I hold close to my heart. I hate liars. I hate lying. Maybe also the reason why I hate myself. Even though I feel this way for myself, I still care for the people closest to me. I only hope that it will be constant. Hate myself, just not others.

I hate how my health is slowly getting affected by my unhealthy practices. Sometimes, I eat too much. Sometimes, I skip meals. I know I am not okay. I used to be more cheerful around food before. Before.

I want this to change. Maybe not now but soon. I miss my old self before it got too broken and alone. I still hate myself but who knows, I might learn to love it. Despite the negativity this post contains, I want to be positive. I could love a person with all my heart, why should I let myself be an exemption to the recipients of my love?

[nicaninetynine]

In time

‘Okay’, ‘Fine’, ‘Better’, ‘Happy’ and the list goes on for words that describe the kind of optimism that radiates throughout a person’s existence. But these words, no matter how easy they are to spell, seem like it would take quite a longer time to achieve. Not all though. Being happy can come from smelling your favorite flowers, hearing a baby’s laughter, or even seeing the person you like. Being okay or fine? Someone becomes okay when he gets a passing mark in a subject he finds difficult. Someone becomes fine when she finally realizes that she has moved on from her previous relationship. Someone posts a status on social media that she feels better because her colds are gone. Yes, these simple events can make the achievement of being ‘okay’, ‘fine’, etc. easier. But the real question is, will all events stay simple forever? No, not all. Some problems strike us so much that we will never know when we’ll recover or if we’ll even be okay.

The heart’s heavy. The mind’s a mess. Tears won’t stop from falling and we wonder why we aren’t dehydrated yet from all the tears that have fallen from our eyes. But this I sincerely hope: That everything is going to be okay/fine/better and we’ll all get through this. Life is a combination of happiness and sadness. We have heard it a lot of times that there’s this balance going on. Our lives aren’t purely happy nor sad. But I guess that’s okay. Life’s a struggle. Life can be some good friend or some crazy bitch. We don’t know. But I’m certain that everyone will get through their problems.

I hope so, really. It’s what I need, too. 

The hope that everything will get better in time.

[nicaninetynine]

I hope we see..

The good things in life,

The positivity despite the things that cause negativity,

The things we ignored because we blinded ourselves in purpose but most importantly,

Who we really are.