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Rough day
I found pictures of you on my school computer. It made me want to cry. I always want to cry but I never can. I saved them too my phone in hope that that will help bring the tears from my behind my eyes to down my cheeks. I'm so sorry still. I will always be guilt ridden. I will always love you.
Friend: Hi
Me: Hi
Friend: Whats up?
Me: The love of my life just messaged me after not talking to me for 8 months because i handled the breakup terribly and ask a ireelovant question then proceeded to turn me down as i begged for his friendship back then blocked me. I had a mental break down and broke my 178 day streak and relapsed. Now i sit wrapped up in a pile of blankets wondering why i didn't push a little harder. lol, you.
So today is Nicks birthday..
... But he's not talking to me. With full right not too. I miss him. This time last year I was meeting his family and falling in love. Now all I can do is pray he's happy. I love you Nick. And miss your friendship like hell. If by any chance your seeing this, I hoper your birthday was fantastic and I hope your a happy guy. Much love.
Sometimes I think about how truly insecure and vulnerable I am.
My life just gets progressively worse.
The world just keeps shitting on me.
Im dirt poor
So hungry but i cant eat
My mind is deteriorating.
My house is terribly negative.
My friends are so obviously done with me due to the drama that follows.
Brooks done with me. Cant even look at me anymore. I love him so much but hes just done. with the entire exsperience. I delt with all of his lies ad shit for months, and then i fuck up once and all of the sudden im not worth being around any more.
Now its summer and i havnt got the escape of school.
I dont know how much longer i can survive like this.
I havent self harmed in 107 days but i feel my skin craving and my mind begging.
I'm so fucked.
This could be it for me.
Wow.
Last night I dreamt it was nicks birthday. I woke up and cried. Been so long and Still makes me cry.
I just...
...watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier and I have to say easily made my top ten favourite. I really needed a good movie tonight to pick me up so thanks marvel. Although the dumb bitch Sierra spoiled the biggest part (no you will never be forgiven) I still pooped myself and gasped as I gripped my sheets. Great Movie, great acting. Chris Evans continue to soak me thoroughly so all is okay in the film aspect of my life. Now it's just to move on to the rest of it xD
Soooo
The exboyfriend (nick) found the post about my day today. Or I'm assuming that that te little bitch follower who was "ratting" on me before is at it again. Either idgaf. I'm HAPPY. Yes, I'm sorry that it hurt nick, and I still love him, always will. But I am IN LOVE with brook and we make eachother very happy. And I will not let this ruin my perfect day. <3
