Rivalry Week: UMD vs. UND, Expecting an Intense Series
This weekend, the University of North Dakota hockey team takes on the Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs in an important two-game conference series. After losing eight games in a row to the Bulldogs, UND has won two of the last three games.
Make no mistake about it, the two teams hate each other. Expect a very tense, highly contested series. Like his Fighting Hawks teammates, junior forward Cole Smith is…
Sam Sinister: SO! Who are you, and why should we care?
Nick Wolff: I am Nick Wolff, "Bastard Prince of Parma," "The Voice For Those Who Should Keep Their Mouths Shut," "Mr. First Week of October." I have many titles, all of which I have self-glossed. If you don't like those, I'll make more up. You should care because I don't think I'm going away... ahem. Hey, Sam. It's good to talk to a fellow Parmanian. I was in a band, I host a show now. I'm basically an unpaid professional asshole. And I can't spell, and I don't care... that makes me more hood.
NW: Tough Scene: Cleveland is a DIY radio show, which means we're on everything free that's not actually radio. I'm a talk show host—that's what I love to do—but I can't wait for Top 40 stations to decide if I'm good enough to do air-checks between "Gangnam Style" and Justin Beiber. This show is my way to do the show I want to do; it's an uncensored comedy/local entertainment music show. We're on YouTube, Ustream, and Aircheck.us, which means we put out our show the way we want to; although, I have to confess, Ustream has been kind of a whore. The show is taped and posted, roughly, every other week. Myself and my cohost, local comedian and Jew, Jeremy Sheer, and our producer, Def Jeff, talk to some of the best local musicians, comedians, wrestlers, and other entertainers. Oh yeah, and I talk whit about all of the bands and yell a lot.
That was "shit," not "whit." Fuckin' Kindle.
SS: I can read, goddamnit. Who's been your favorite guest so far?
NW: Most have been subaverage, but I brought out the best in them. Ha. Tony Erba was great—his story's about the real hardcore scene, starting out in the '80s, and stealing and lying from town to town. Made me wish I was a little older. We had Karlo from ORBS, the ghost hunters. He brought in some footage that was insane. Eddie Doldrum were awesome... I thought they were emo pussies, turns out they're maniacs, burning buildings down and shit. Fact, the Slovenian polka band. JC from Killing It was really funny and had a lot to say. CJ Gunn always has great stories. Really, I've enjoyed all my guests.The only ones I didn't like was when the rest of the Nick Wolff Band came on... they add nothing.
SS: What's Nick Wolff Band up to these days?
NW: We're sort of on forced hiatus because the rest of the guys sort of can't stand me. We're all still friends, but in the band context, our relationship is unique. They're the best players I know, and I can't do the band with anyone else, so I kind of have to wait for everyone to decide that it's time to play again. When we do, it's the best feeling in the world. I love what I'm doing, but there's nothing like playing punk rock and having people go nuts. We put out 2 good albums, and the songs don't go away, and every once in a while we like to come out and put everyone on notice. In fact, I think it may be about that time soon.
SS: Now, when you say, "come out"...
NW: Well, we were originally called Nick Wolff and the Homosexual Mannerisms... but I will assure you, we are all "real men." And I don't know if I like your crass humor; there are kids reading.
SS: Who are you kidding, Nick? No one's ever gonna read this.
NW: Heh heh... don't worry, Sam. I have at least 2 fans. They'll spread the word.
SS: I just asked you for an interview so I'd have someone to talk to... it's boring here in Parma.
NW: You really need to start smoking pot and and huffing keyboard cleaner. That's what we do in Parma.
SS: And drink. Don't forget drink. Hey, I partially blame you for my move to Parma. You gave me all this hype. No—fuck that, in fact, I fully blame you. For everything. Everything bad in this world, it's all your fault.
(A few minutes go by.)
SS: And you're a slow typer.
NW: You just haven't seen a Parma Winter yet, that'll cheer you up! That's when we really come alive... Its not my fault you waited 'til we already ruined the only cool place we had.
SS: Hahaha
NW: I hate fucking typing, why don't you get a podcast like everyone else in the world. A print interview—awesome. No wonder no one in Cleveland likes you yet.
SS: Hahaha, yeah that's why. It has nothing to do with everyone in Cleveland's curmudgeonry. No one likes me because I'm alive... Yeah, tell the readers all about the whole Jigsaw fiasco.
NW: The Jigsaw was really a great venue, for about 4 years. It was on State Road. Among the countless great shows I saw (and played, in some cases) were the Dwarves, the Supersuckers, Uncle Scratch, Trouble (smoked weed with original singer), Beatallica, Murder Junkies with Jeff Clayton, Weedeater... so many others. It was great. Then a cop beat up a friend and put him in a coma; the resulting litigations put a strain on the owner. He got a great offer from a maniac—a year later, the Jigsaw was closed, and people were wearing shirts of Phil Lara's face with a bulls eye on it.
SS: Why doesn't someone open something new, with the same spirit?
NW: It's not some thing you can just make... the Jigsaw was around for 30 years, a lot of us started going there as kids to have burgers with our parents. It just happened to be in Parma, where a lot of us grew up with nothing to do but listen to, and ultimatley play, music. It was a mellow place where blue collar families, old people, barflies, and punk and metal types could hang out, without the Bud-Light-rap-music-pick-up scene most Parma bars have. When the club opened, it was an answer for people who wanted to see music without going to Lakewood, downtown, and the East Side. It was organic... very hard to replicate. Having said that, I would love to try if I had the money.
SS: What's the coolest thing about Parma?
NW: The fuck?? ME!!! Haven't you been paying attention? Also, Chef Boyardee's grave.
SS: Whoa - Really!?
NW: The fuck?? ME!!! Haven't you been paying attention? Also, Chef Boyardee's grave.
SS: Again; Whoa - Really!?
NW: The fuck?? ME!!! Haven't you been paying attention? Also, Chef Boyardee's grave.
SS: Okay. Is your phone doing that? Or are you just a weirdo?
NW: My shit was acting up, sorry.
SS: It's okay.
NW: There's actually a lot weird shit. In Seven Hills, there's this house that thousands of cultists would pilgrimage to because some lady said she saw the virgin Marythere. The town had to ban them, but there's still shrines to Mary. There's a satanic alter at Ridge and Snow. A haunted gas station (seriously, made national news). Parma is wonderous. We're gonna do a documentary for TS:C, like going to the places and shit. You're coming.
SS: You totally need to take me to Chef Boyardee's grave, homie. I wanna pour a can of ravioli out on it like it's a 40.
NW: The actual location is kind a mystery. It's here in one of our orthadox cemetaries. People are sketchy about which one, that's why its kind of a mystery, but I want to find it.
SS: I'm about to go outside and smoke, you still got some time for this?
NW: Cool. Can I take, like, a half hour or so? I gotta do a little running (drug dealing). Haha. No, I gotta step out a minute, too, but I'm more than cool to resume.
SS: Okay, let me know, I'll be here.
(30 minutes later, or so...)
NW: Sam, I'm back.
SS: Everything go alright? The drug deal, I mean... Nobody got capped?
NW: It was a little shady, but dealing with Haitians always is.
SS: Das racist.
NW: You drop off an ounce of meth to bunch of knife-swiping Haitians, and try to get cash instead of brightly colored bills with the likeness of an ousted dictator, and tell me if don't feel at least a little bit less enlightened.
SS: That sentence is so much funnier if you replace "an ounce of meth" with "10 pizzas".
NW: And more delicious.
SS: Now I want pizza.
NW: Guys Pizza is great—the Big New Yorker is really good, but the box doesn't fit in the fridge.
SS: What's your perfect pizza?
NW: Thin crust; hand-tossed, not that Donato's cracker shit; zesty sauce; pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, and black olive; cooked in an old brick oven. I don't know if I was supposed to say something funny or shocking, like "pepperoni served out of iCarly's ass," but I'm not going to—I take pizza seriously.
