#nicolahann

[nicolahann]

The Things That Call Me

You ever had something calling you ? Like an idea, a place, someone special? But you couldn't for the life of you explain how of why it was happening.  It's a curious thing that intuition of ours… It's funny because they're all calling me at the same time….

I have this idea in my head… it's a culmination of things: My blog, my YouTube, me hosting or reporting for entertainment news…. This life I want to encompass.

I have this need to explore… I know NY will forever be home, and I may eventually return here… but I feel as though my presence is needed elsewhere…. I can't put my finger on it but the idea of moving… to California is like a nat flying in your face…. You can't quit tell it's there at first, but then when you realize it's there… it won't go away.

Even if California isn't it, I cannot wait until I get my own space… someplace I have earned to call home…. Somewhere clean with my vision engraved in the walls (not the traditional brown Guyanese stigma that my mothers home has always had)

This guy, the guy, has been calling me since he entered my sight. The idea of his skin with mine makes me involuntarily smile…. Or when I have good news, he is the first person I want to share it with. He is, as India Arie would say - like jumping in the river of Jordan.

And before, when things would "call" me , I knew it couldn't be at that time because they'd be pulling me in different/opposite directions. But for the first time, they are all pulling me the same way. It's an amazing feeling at that.

 I can't tell you how, or when , but 2017 is presenting itself with this new found motivation and dream …….one that if I don't capitalize on now

I'm not sure when

I am going to start ending my post with music titles that explain my feelings behind my words as best as possible…. You know, music: The universal language.

-I want to go where the wind calls my name

"How Far I'll Go" Alessia Cara

"India's Song" India Arie

[nicolahann]

So it finally happened.... Happy Watching<3

[nicolahann]

2017: The Revision

The word revision has haunted me throughout my grade school years; Thank you NYC public school system. I hated being forced to re-write. It made feel like I was betraying what I had already put down on paper. I felt like when I wrote things it was official law, and to change was treason ! (ok a little dramatic)

But as I got older, I realized how important the re-do was to my growth ( still hate writing essays.. That will never change).

2016 was filled with stress, crying, realizing how to stop crying, more annoying people than needed, learning how to love again, getting burned, healing, growing over new skin, finding my groove… and landing here :

2017, in the name of Jesus, will be the revision and completion year. It is going to be the year of me creating the Nandee I want to be. I instantly became happier the second I stopped be jealous of other people's lives- I started putting into place the things I have always wanted to do. Even if I didn't have the money, I started… even if I didn't have the resources at the time I reach for it … and now I feel the battery in my back in full force.. Aka beat mode as they call it.

I began making little changes to my image … to reflect what I want to be , and what I wanted others to see me as. I didn't matter where I was from, or what I had or hadn't done. This is who I am, and I shall craft accordingly.

I plan on building my brand in 2017…. Focuses on my health, and not letting my lack of finances stop me from what I want out of this world. Pray more, drink more water, read more… try and touch more lives and get settled into my new found c cups…

2016 was a dark year

But what's held in darkness, always comes to the light 

-New Year, who dis

[nicolahann]

Finally: New Things

So somethings that I have wanted for a really long time are falling into place. Not all of the things I've wanted, but some significant ones. 

Since I started puberty, my breast have been a topic of discussion. By my family, my friends, and everyone who has ever seen me or come in contact with me. It became frustrating when I hit a D cup by the time I was in 5th grade. Being the only person in my peer group with such "developed' features, made my interactions with boys a problem in it self.

(This is the view outside my mother’s bedroom window. One day , while looking out this window, she heard a boy yell at me when I was 13 “All we wanna do is suck your tities !” laugh, and walk off... it was a weird a hurtful time) 

The only reason they wanted to talk to me was because "yo her tities are so big…. ". It was used to describe me , until this day. Not because I sing, or because I write poetry, I used to have braces, I have a large smile, I have brown skin, I used to have dread locks, I have a lot of brothers, I am Guyanese, I love food, I am funny - nothing was ever used to describe me besides " that girl with the big boobs" It became this disgusting broken record that hunted me well into my teens and young adulthood. Granted the older I got, the problem manifested itself into a different form: Less of immature comments, to internal & personal problems. 

The older you get, the more you begin to figure out your style of clothing/ your overall aesthetic.    But I couldn't fit into anything I liked. Shit, not even the things I needed.

(it was all about the little things that made this hard) 

I bought  a dress when I was 16: It was from Forever 21, circle cut, with a cut out in the back. It has these little doodles drawn on  it, and the base color was an eggshell white/cream color. I loved it, and ordered it in the biggest size (despite me being a medium on my worst day). I got it and my body fit into it fine, my boobs didn't even make it paste the zipper. I remember crying for over an hour, in my room, with the dress still on/ halfway zipped up. I didn't give away the dress this time though. I loved that dress like nothing else, and I promised myself that I was going to fit into it one day: That night I spent hours on my computer looking up breast reductions: Cost, risked, effects and everything in between.

 That January, I was diagnosed with scoliosis: The curve in my spine was indirectly being caused by the weight of my breast. Yup … even more motivation for me to get this procedure done.

For the past 6 years, I have been trying to find ways to fund this $10,000 surgery, and On the 14th of October, 2016… well who else but god showed up.

My (new) insurance sent me a letter saying they see the medical need for this surgery, and that they will cover 100% of the cost. 

At 22, I am going to enter 2017, in that doodle dress I kept for all of those years, as the me I always wanted to be.

  Finally

[nicolahann]

Frustration: The Cope

Please Read All :

This past Friday (9/16/16) was so unexpectedly hard. I didn't go through any major trial, or receive horrible news. No, it was just that everything that could go wrong… did. I promised myself that whenever I started this blog, that I won't pretend that everything is ok. That I'd be honest when life's rough or when I can't handle things.

I read some many blogs and half of them paint this picture : 

"I had a rough time in my 20's, then found the best love of my life. Now I own a really expensive camera that takes great pictures- So I am going to take pictures of my vegan breakfast and my awesome spouse and show off my super trendy loft apartment in the city."

So begins my honesty. Friday was the first day at my internship and I was beyond excited. I got up on time , did my makeup to the T , and had my clothes pressed and prepared from the night before. I went to bed on time, had my route completely mapped out and made and packed my lunch. The first wave of frustration came when my campus shuttle to the train was late. IT IS ALWAYS LATE. And what was even more frustrating was that it was the same driver that is always making the shuttle run late to places. Once I got the train station, (which the night before I had already looked up what time my train was coming) I bought my ticket and then got on the train that came at the time I had researched. HOWEVER, the train I got on (despite it being the correct time I looked up that morning and the night before) dropped me off somewhere in Queens and I had no way of getting to destination train station or back to the original station I came from.

 I ended up taking the subway to an alternative part of the city, and found that the 2nd shuttle I need to catch ( the one that will take me to my internship site) had multiple pick up stops near me. I went to the nearest pick up stop: By this point I was beyond late, but my lovely boss was more than understanding.  I waited from 9:40 to 10:55 and there was no internship shuttle.

 SO… to re-cap, Late campus shuttle, got lost on the LIRR, used up all extra cash I had, in a random part of Manhattan, stood in the same stop for an hour, and no internship shuttle. Great.

I called my mom so she can help me figure out what to do. She wanted to go to my bank and put money in my  account (since I had my empty debit card one me). I try to sign onto my mobile bank app to try and get my account number .. Just to get locked out of my account because of too many wrong tries.. Now I am happy my bank takes security seriously.. BUT THEN WAS NOT THE TIME.

 By the end of it all, my awesome boss and his assistant sent a car for me (since the shuttle never came) and my time at my internship was beyond amazing.

But the time before that was hard. I am not sure why but I couldn't handle any of it. I couldn't deal with getting lost: I nearly broke down while in Queens. I almost threw my phone when I got locked out of my online banking.

 Frustration comes in so many different forms and you'd be surprised at what can make us feel that enough is enough. Timing could be off or too many things can be happening to often. I made sure that I meditated later on that night ; I made sure I prayed for guidance and patience. I made sure to love myself afterwards and remind myself that it was ok to freak out. Coping with frustration was never my strong point but I am a work in progress … we all are

 - Coping  

[nicolahann]

Seconds: Keeping Time

So as you may or may not know, I have officially started my senior year of college. I can honestly remember move in day my freshman year- down to what I had for breakfast that day, what I wore, or the first thing I did once I unpacked my entire room ( in about an hour due to a rush of excitement).

(first day of Senior year)

I have such weird feelings about this being some of my last times ever getting to do some of the things I grew to love so much. I spent my first 2 years not doing what I should have been: Freshman year was spent obsessing over a boyfriend that ended up cheating and disrespecting me, and ruining friendships over it. Sophomore year was spent, hitting depression, getting over a bad breakup, finding who truly has my best interest, healing, getting my grades up, and enjoying my new found friends who are the best friends god could give a girl ( and in that order).

By junior year I had figured out what works for me: study habits, friends, activities, and everything in between. It was amazing. Of course there were personal trial and drama ( there is always some sort of drama in a girl clique) but it was pure, honest, and a complete healing process.

Now that the beginning to the end has begun, I regret not creating those seconds for myself a lot earlier: because that is what it truly boils down to, the seconds. The seconds add up to minuets, that leads to those long hours that add up to the memorable days.

And the days are what we recall the most: so if we can keep in mind that it all starts with the seconds, then ultimately the days that we would have created from them are going to be amazing by nature !

(a part of my campus)

Now I find myself more willing than ever to try new things and meet new people. I am trying to make my seconds golden.  

I am trying to take the sections of my life and deal with them one at a time: So at the moment, I have chosen to nourish my career and academics (since they presently go hand in hand). My finances are an uphill battle, but will get better as the semester goes along. My love life is the part of my life that needs focus and dedication, and right now… those seconds are going to have to be on pause. My career and my foundation for the life I want need to be pushed now while I am younger and while I have the resources I do. My love life can afford to wait until I am a college graduate… or just someone with a job !  

But that does not mean that I won't keep that part of my life in mind: Keeping in mind the seconds to your life require us to keep in mind all major parts of our lives. Just because one part may not be your main focus, you don't want to miss a possible jewel that can aid that neglected part of your life. That all comes from what I call "keeping time"

So let's promise that we are going to make a conscious effort to create the days memorable, to hold dear the hours that the minuets make up and the make the seconds count.

- The Seconds