Rose Quartz

Being a 23 year-old first generation American living in NYC (whoa, that was a mouth full) can be a bit crazy. But I started jotting things down along the way

[nicolahann]

The Last Thing I Would Do...

I just need him to pay attention to the fact that I am trying. He has the slightest idea that this….this being open shit, this being vulnerable crap, this being transparent  bullshit is harder for me than it looks. That should matter right? Me trying should matter…. right ? But I don't think it does. Because his explanation was "I don't want a relationship from her, I am just sexually attracted to her"

Yet here we are, where I am worried that you're with her if you don't answer my phone call. Or if that's her in the background if I hear a high pitched giggle during our facetime….

 Let me pause and give a little context

 One thing I will never do is compete with another female for a man's attention. What's so funny about this situation is that he was honest…. He is honest. He explained that he wanted me first, I explained I always wanted him. But that I couldn't read him, I couldn't tell if he wanted me too. And my heart was too fragile to risk rejection. So naturally, I "fell back". Now he is honest. He explained that because I fell back, he felt as though I didn't feel the same way as him. Because all along, he wanted me too.  So he went on….. To someone else.

 Now to present moments: We know how we feel, we want to feel them together. But because of the confusion at the beginning, he has also gained "feelings" for someone else.

The last thing I will do is fight for his attention or love. Now he feels like telling me he doesn't want a relationship from her will suffice.  He feels as thought saying "Don't worry, I am just sexually attracted to her" will be enough. And that choosing me will be ok… it will end this.

 **Yet the minuet you started looking at her, the problems manifested into a physical weed that is now rooted deep within my lawn. The problem is now that ….. The her you started to look at, is my friend. The problem is that now we are both subconsciously trying to over shadow the other when you want in the room: in hopes that you notice one of us. The problem is that even though you saying your going to choose me, I can't help but be scared that you will slip up and be with her. Or the fact that I can't help but feel bad because you will be hurting another, in the name of "choosing me".

 The last thing I will do is compete for your attention. Especially when I am trying. Especially when I want to let you in, and make you mine…. The risk is to great now, the situation is to sticky now. And the last thing I would do, is hurt my friend, in the name of "me wanting you".

 -So, with this… I am going to complete remove myself from the equation.  

“Love Galore” By SZA 

[nicolahann]

Letters from a trying heart: O’ How I love Your Smile

I like your smile - does that mean something ?

My last couple of guys haven't been successful. I wanted to be much more, with each of them. But each time, I was't enough. I'm not sure if i'm to too short, my booty's not big enough or my smile isn't like yours... but I like your smile.

It's hard not to blame yourself because everyone else is happy

And so are the guys who have left you. So naturally you think the problem is you. And I, now,  have come to that saddening conclusion. But I really like your smile ,

I absolutely love the idea of us.... but that's not enough... I want you to like my smile too... I need you to love the idea of an us too. This time I need you to ... The guy too... I can't be in this alone, not again. I don't want to just be someone you have sex with or want a release from. I want dates and kisses on my boo boos when I fall. I want someone to listen to my dreams and help me discover constellations. I want someone to give all of these love songs meaning. I want my heart to jump when someone says your name, and I need to feel safe: safe enough to let you hold my body and tend to it's every curve.

Safe enough to tell you that I am afraid of failure and I am scared of my future after school. Safe enough to pray with you and know that you mean each word.

But I am not sure if your smile is telling me all of that. Or I may be just dreaming again....

that's the part that gets tricky

And this time

I can't afford to wrong ....

-But non the less, I like your smile

“The Wind” by Allen Stone 

[nicolahann]

The Freedom Hidden In the Festival

On June 2nd, I went to my first music festival… you know we always hear about Coachella, Panorama or the Meadows…. But I had some extra cash laying around from my birthday and I bought a 1-day pass to Governor's Ball. It was held at Randell's Island, and on the day I went, I got to see Michael Blume, Kehlani, SchoolBoy Q and Chance the Rapper… (oh yea, I lucked out)

But it was bigger than the music. The music is obviously a large part… but as I walked around, I realized there was more to it. I went by myself since it was so last minuet, non of my friends were able to go

1: Meeting new people in a common world is a beautiful thing

I ended up meeting this lovely girl name Emily who surprising , I had similar taste in music with. And with her, we made friends in every crowd we went into.

 There’s something about the rush of running to see your favorite artist, and your feet or throbbing because you stood in front of the other stage for 3 hours to get a good spot, and your phone is on 15% but you have no time to go to the charging station…. Man…. At this point your filled with squishy foods, water,  and adrenaline …. Because it all has to work

 Your phone has to get charged somehow,  and you loose yourself in a cloud of smoke or at the bottom of a bear can/cocoanut fill with Bacardi

 It was amazing, and at the end of the day, you gain this larger appreciation for these artists. I think everyone should go to at least 1 music festival in their life, but here are my tips on surviving… because let's not be confused, despite my amazing time, I almost died LOL….

1. CHOOSE COMFORT OVER STYLE

You are definitely going to be walking around and staking out good spots to see your favorite musician, and standing in endless food lines… make sure your shoes are comfy … and there is a way to get style along with that, just make sure comfort is the priority (I wore my Nike Roshe Ones and they worked great! )

 2. STAY HYDRATED

I was lucky and at Gov Ball, they had free filtered water stations, as long as you had a bottle of some kind.  Make sure to read up on the rule of your festival: if they allow you to bring in liquids or not.. And be prepared to buy water because you will need it

 3.  PLAN YOUR ROUTE/PRIORITIZE  

Usually you will have access to set and stage times/information for the performances on the day that you go. Lightly plan who you will want to see, and when. You can't do everything, so prioritize. Either you stake out a good spot for your favorite artist and miss another that you only "liked", or you have to get food and charge your phone and may not be able to do something else.

4. RESEARCH ACTIVITIES

In the chance you have some down time, you may want to visit a photobooth, play games or try and win some cool gear. Read up and the happenings of your particular festival

 5. BRING AN EXTERNAL BATTERY

I was also lucky and found a cool charging station at Gov Ball. However, it did cripple me a little that my case charger died when I wanted to get a better spot for Chance. If you can get your hands on more than one portable charger, bring it with you. You will thank me later

And with that….

 - I hope your experience is as magical as mine

 "Alive" By Kehlani

[nicolahann]

Tattoo Diaries: The Poet’s Hand

I got my first tattoo for my 19th birthday. Going on the 4th year, I now have 8.  Before I thought my tattoos were complete life lessons. But it's a little more personified than I was giving credit: I opened up my heart, just for sadness to reenter. And this month has been more stressful then ever. I kept feeling anxious … I needed to do something  to happen. Something good, new, in my complete control.

When you leave your soul open, your emotions are in the hands of the other person…. No longer your control…

 I trusted that my soul was in the right hands, but they weren't. I needed something to go how I needed it to go.

 "I fell apart many times.

So.

What does that say about me

Besides I live through wars" - nayyirah waheed (salt)

  I ended up settling on those words. Because the before I cried and spent the night listening to "Only The Poets" 

The Poets, by which I mean all artist, are finally the only people who know the truth about us. Soldiers don't , statesmen don't, priests don't, union leaders don't, only the poets…

  By the hand of poetry I found relief… healing… relativity

I found the words of my soul through the pen of someone else.

It's the most connected I have felt: despite me being in the most disconnected point of my life.

 I chose the thai language because I needed coverage … I needed something to cloak me .. With goodness

The yantra tattoo= One is that which benefits the wearer: example, making them more eloquent.

Two, protection and to ward off evil and hardship.

Tree is that which affects people around the wearer, such as invoking fear or power

The choice of ink is not for everyone to understand.. But at this point in my life… I needed something to remind me that I have complete power of my life and it's direction… emotions or not

I survive everything thrown at me, and beyond this, by the poets hand… I surpass the tide..

 -Every time

 "Only The Poets" Marc. E. Bassy  

[nicolahann]

Don’t Trust FL Men

Hey so can we spend valentines day together? Yes sure what time? 10pm Tuesday night come by? Ok NP, see you then. **2 hours** Hey I'm sorry, can we move us spending time together to your place… my roommate will be here? **no response ** Hey are you there? **blank iphone screen** -

Valentines day: Hey am I still seeing you ? Look I have situation to deal with, and I need time to think till Friday….I can't do tonight … If you can to know what happened, I'll speak to you then ……..

He said "show me your scars, and I won't walk away"… Yet here we are

Promises

Intentions

Lies

Aren't they a bitch? I mean what I really want to say is why? Why wasn't honesty your first reaction when dealing with me? Why the games? Why the run around? Because all you've done is successfully wasted our time, and crushed my spirits. It was more than you denying me

It was about you lying

It is about you lying

It is about you forgetting that things will get back to me

It is about you speaking to everyone on the planet, and ignoring solely me all in the same 24

It was about you telling your best friend your feelings towards me, and saying not a word to my face

It still is about you lying

It will always be about you lying

Your like the palm trees that span your home state. You bend with the wind. With whatever is most comfortable for you at the moment. Never thinking about how your movements can effect those standing next to you.

Sad to say I know this space all to well. It's like greeting grief as an old friend.

I've memorized your disappearing act… or shall I say routine. I hope one day I'm able to reenact it so you'll know how the show feels/goes from the other side

 We both broke promises… You promised me that you'll never intentionally hurt me

And I promised myself that If you did, I'd never speak to you again

 -Yet here we are

 "Sandcastles" Beyoncé

[nicolahann]

I learned How to Love From My Momma

I watched my mom love unconditionally and unapologetically my entire life. My dad hurt her so many times, but she always had her door open if he needed it. She always had a plate ready if he was hungry, or extra clothes lying around if he was underdressed.

I watched my mom forgive every person who ever did her wrong over time. I couldn’t understand it.

I gave her such a hard time from years 13-17. 4 years of disobedience, slick comebacks, and breaking curfew, and she still loved me more than life itself.  

I watch her pray for her enemies my entire life. She wished good on good people, and good on bad people. I was never as strong as she is. When I was hurt by an ex, I wished him bad, I prayed for you to fall down some steps and break your leg.

Then I forgave you, and asked god for forgiveness. Not my mom

Her birthday was another reminder of how beautiful she’s becoming with age.

Each year, she makes a little more effort to be a better person

I learned how to love from you momma

She always tries to see the best in people. Not naive to how evil some can be ...sometimes…

I reached for her when I fell in love Senior year of High school. He was one of my best friends, but I never told him (eventually I did). I had to learn to just love him for who he was, and not for my own gains.

I reached for my momma when I met him in a new form my senior year of college. 4 years of learning how to love from her…

And I think I finally got it down packed.

-I’ve learned

“Hey Ma” Chance The Rapper 

“All Night” Beyonce 

[nicolahann]

Dear You: Revisited, Honestly… Always

No one likes to revisit their feelings. No one wants to second guess their emotions.. Especially when those emotions led you to your happiest moments: but sometimes, it must be done.

We haven’t spoken … and most of all, we haven’t felt…

We numbed out our emotions when they became too real ….. **revising** YOU numbed out your emotions when they became too real. I simply reacted by repetition. It was never my intention to be numb or cold or passive. But you are…

I scare you, i’m intimidating, you’re not mature enough, you’re scared of heartbreak, i’m too much, or you’re not enough

What’s frustrating most about men giving women these reason as to why they collapsed is: You act as if we haven’t gone through it too. You act as if we’re not scared, or nervous that this is going to go sour. You act as if your 1 minor heartbreak can compare to us having to pick up the pieces after back to back relationship devastations. But despite all of that , we still try

I still tried

I still showed up, ready to work on us, ready to give it my very best. I still tried to run the marathon, disregarding the fact that I had on shackles and a blindfold.   

I’m seeing you soon, and I’m not sure what I am going to say. I missed you. I pissed at you. Why do I cry over you ? Why Can’t I just cut you off ? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Kiss me. I know you were nervous it’s ok. No wait it’s not ! I was nervous too! Hold me …. Uughhh

I think what I’m trying to say is … I just need you ….

-To try

“Just so you know” By Jesse McCartney  

“Other People” by Travis Garland

[nicolahann]

Motel Pool

An original poem by: Nandee Mignon 

I wanna love you in all of my filth

Dirt

Grime

Roll in all of the consuming cobalt mystery  

Wipe the howling from my eyes

 Walk, run, jump, dive into the murky blue water

Behind that motel inn

Rinse

Away all of my inhibitions & fears

Let that subtle indigo color rest on my skin & glow off of yours

 Despite its lack of crimson luster

that blue has the power to ignite

incite

conceive

inaugurate

 Drunken college nights

Inevitable pool parties

Skinny dippers by the dozens

A summer afternoon at the edge of the pool

With feet dancing at its edge

 We’re

 Floating on the memories of those who have been there before us

 Small crests made by the ripples of our bodies against the water

 Walk, run, jump, dive into that now crystal clear

Revealing all of the love and emotions that you carry

                                But have yet to show

“Motel Pool” by Travis Garland 

[nicolahann]

The Things That Call Me

You ever had something calling you ? Like an idea, a place, someone special? But you couldn't for the life of you explain how of why it was happening.  It's a curious thing that intuition of ours… It's funny because they're all calling me at the same time….

I have this idea in my head… it's a culmination of things: My blog, my YouTube, me hosting or reporting for entertainment news…. This life I want to encompass.

I have this need to explore… I know NY will forever be home, and I may eventually return here… but I feel as though my presence is needed elsewhere…. I can't put my finger on it but the idea of moving… to California is like a nat flying in your face…. You can't quit tell it's there at first, but then when you realize it's there… it won't go away.

Even if California isn't it, I cannot wait until I get my own space… someplace I have earned to call home…. Somewhere clean with my vision engraved in the walls (not the traditional brown Guyanese stigma that my mothers home has always had)

This guy, the guy, has been calling me since he entered my sight. The idea of his skin with mine makes me involuntarily smile…. Or when I have good news, he is the first person I want to share it with. He is, as India Arie would say - like jumping in the river of Jordan.

And before, when things would "call" me , I knew it couldn't be at that time because they'd be pulling me in different/opposite directions. But for the first time, they are all pulling me the same way. It's an amazing feeling at that.

 I can't tell you how, or when , but 2017 is presenting itself with this new found motivation and dream …….one that if I don't capitalize on now

I'm not sure when

I am going to start ending my post with music titles that explain my feelings behind my words as best as possible…. You know, music: The universal language.

-I want to go where the wind calls my name

"How Far I'll Go" Alessia Cara

"India's Song" India Arie

[nicolahann]

So it finally happened.... Happy Watching<3

[nicolahann]

2017: The Revision

The word revision has haunted me throughout my grade school years; Thank you NYC public school system. I hated being forced to re-write. It made feel like I was betraying what I had already put down on paper. I felt like when I wrote things it was official law, and to change was treason ! (ok a little dramatic)

But as I got older, I realized how important the re-do was to my growth ( still hate writing essays.. That will never change).

2016 was filled with stress, crying, realizing how to stop crying, more annoying people than needed, learning how to love again, getting burned, healing, growing over new skin, finding my groove… and landing here :

2017, in the name of Jesus, will be the revision and completion year. It is going to be the year of me creating the Nandee I want to be. I instantly became happier the second I stopped be jealous of other people's lives- I started putting into place the things I have always wanted to do. Even if I didn't have the money, I started… even if I didn't have the resources at the time I reach for it … and now I feel the battery in my back in full force.. Aka beat mode as they call it.

I began making little changes to my image … to reflect what I want to be , and what I wanted others to see me as. I didn't matter where I was from, or what I had or hadn't done. This is who I am, and I shall craft accordingly.

I plan on building my brand in 2017…. Focuses on my health, and not letting my lack of finances stop me from what I want out of this world. Pray more, drink more water, read more… try and touch more lives and get settled into my new found c cups…

2016 was a dark year

But what's held in darkness, always comes to the light 

-New Year, who dis

[nicolahann]

Self Care: The Illusion

photos taken by: http://seetatada1.wixsite.com/ruenoirphotos

Every one of my favorite bloggers preach that self love and self care is such an important and necessary step in being healthy… in healing… in finding peace and solace in life. They don't ever explain how hard it can be when your stressed, or broken, or suffering from Anxiety…. Or anything else that can make the idea of loving ones self a difficult one. Or they don't go in depth. They mention that they took some quiet time to write in their journal, and light some candles in the house, and played some soft music, or closed their eyes for a few minuets... or whatever......  

Along with sacrifice, stress & anxiety have been very present this school year. But considering how "well" things are going academically and career wise, it shouldn't be so bad.

Yet, here we are.

I am so used to planning my life out down to the seconds. So the minuet things seem uncertain or unclear, I begin to panic: in the past, I wasn't so high strung, but as life became more difficult, things worried me more. There are new challenges with the person I am seeking that I have never dealt with before: Anxiety level 1

Despite me being happy about it, my breast reduction is 1 week from today: Anxiety level 2

I have to find $1200 in anesthesia and hospital fees in 4 days: stress & anxiety level 3 

With all of this, more recent than ever, the smallest things set me off- whether I fly into a rage, or begin to ball... emotions are very high

So this leads me back to my original point: Self Care is not that easy. People preach it as if all it takes in saying " I love you" a couple times a day and then POOF... the magic of self love and self care appears.....

Now let me enlighten thee for a quick second – It takes dedication to find self love. It takes consistency to find a solid place with self care- it's not as simple as lighting a candle and closing your eyes. It is a conscious effort to change a mental attitude; and as we know changing the mind is harder than anything else. But it can be done... My anxiety will change, and the stress in my life will subside... as it has done in the past.. time and time again

I want to remind those struggling with the same - This is not a battle lost. Even with the stress, I am a happier Nandee than my 20 year old self. I am a more loving Nandee than my 17 year old self. With the new challenges of my changing life, there are new pains and new lows that I (we) must thread through. 

With that, self love and self care will always have to be a constant notion. But make it into a lifestyle and mental attitude change. Rather than lighting your occasional candle and playing slow love songs-

True growth is active resistance.

photos taken by: http://seetatada1.wixsite.com/ruenoirphotos

[nicolahann]

Sacrifice: A Running Theme

Since August of this year, the action and lesson of sacrifice has been very present in my life. But I will never regret it. Every seed I have sewed form each sacrificial act has now blossomed: I spent my last going to a conference that landed me the internship in the company of my dreams, I chose my friendship over lust which in the end caused “you & I” to transform into an “us”, and now we are here…

I was scheduled to go to London to study abroad for 3 weeks this January. But after speaking to my coordinator for my internship next semester ( Not sure if I informed the world, but this internship is beyond AMAZING…) I cannot miss 3 weeks. My department is specialized (like entry level jobs pay $19-25 p/h kind of specialized) and there won’t be anyone there to do the work if I were to leave for so long. So I had to make a choice  

      1. Go to London and check off Study Abroad off of my college bucket list (I could have gone in passed years, but I wasn’t focused) and make memories that will be with my forever.  

      2. Stay and be bomb at my internship, make connections that can turn into a 60-70k a year job after I graduate

The answer was obvious, but painful. I was mad at myself for wasting so much time chasing a boy (WHEN THE BRIGHT RED FLAG WERE SO DANG OBVIOUS) and there was so much I could have been doing. I could have went to London my 1st, 2nd, or 3rd year. I had to remind myself that it was ok to tear up about it.  

But this sacrifice was one that had to be made. I turned my life around and made a career from dust. In the spring I will be continue to work or one of the leading communication companies in the world… My hair is healthy and my skin…. always moisturized.My credit is better than it’s ever been and I am more active in church. My breast reduction is planned and set in stone for this December and Did I mention that Bae is fine as hell !?

I have to give myself some credit and remember that not going to London is not a step backwards. Just a change in direction. The seed I am planting by choosing to stay and intern for NBC is going to blossom into something that will give the Atacama Desert in bloom a run for its money

-Continuous Sacrifice

[nicolahann]

Ripples: The Effects of Your Glow pt. 1

So for the first time I had trouble coming up with a title. I knew I wanted to explain the importance of finding your inner "glow" but then I realized how important the effects of such are. 

By Google's standards Ripple = (noun.) a small wave or series of waves on the surface of water, especially as caused by an object dropping into it or a slight breeze.

I want to highlight that a ripple is caused by an object dropping into it or a slight breeze. Figuratively, we used the word ripple to describe a series of events - A series of events (whether good or bad) is what leads to the discovery of your glow.

 *** takes a deep breath***  

It is hard to find said "glow" : especially when every other woman around you (thank you internet) seems to have it together , bodies on fleek, edges lustful, perfect but, very cute boyfriend pictures, interning at the place you want to be at, wearing lovely stylish clothes…. Shall I continue?

(Make sure to take a good look at every inch of you ... you’ll discover more than you think) 

 But you may need to make a cautious effort to tap OUT of all of that to find the things about you that you love. It takes time , so don't enter this journey expecting to find or have your glow up over night. You have to tap into yourself and nourish those things: take care of your skin, give your hair a deep condition, take that Zumba class you've been eyeing for the passed week, buy those shoes girl and rock it till' Jesus comes! It's about doing everything that makes you happy and making sure that your space and piece of mind is protected.

It may take an outside object being dropped into your life for the events to get going , but keep a look out because it will. Since my "NW47: My Foundation" blog post, I have been in this process and it has been a learning curve to say the least.

But it took me one day just getting upset and crying about my life to start doing something about it. I started to focus on my health, my skin, my academics… and yea my love life (finally it's going well, because a sister was about to loose her mind) ….

(Glow as bright as you want god dammit !)

As I learn more on this, I will share more… but for now, the first step is allowing that wind to blow or that pebble to fall into the river that is your life, and allowing the ripples to begin …

 -The Glow

[nicolahann]

Finally: New Things

So somethings that I have wanted for a really long time are falling into place. Not all of the things I've wanted, but some significant ones. 

Since I started puberty, my breast have been a topic of discussion. By my family, my friends, and everyone who has ever seen me or come in contact with me. It became frustrating when I hit a D cup by the time I was in 5th grade. Being the only person in my peer group with such "developed' features, made my interactions with boys a problem in it self.

(This is the view outside my mother’s bedroom window. One day , while looking out this window, she heard a boy yell at me when I was 13 “All we wanna do is suck your tities !” laugh, and walk off... it was a weird a hurtful time) 

The only reason they wanted to talk to me was because "yo her tities are so big…. ". It was used to describe me , until this day. Not because I sing, or because I write poetry, I used to have braces, I have a large smile, I have brown skin, I used to have dread locks, I have a lot of brothers, I am Guyanese, I love food, I am funny - nothing was ever used to describe me besides " that girl with the big boobs" It became this disgusting broken record that hunted me well into my teens and young adulthood. Granted the older I got, the problem manifested itself into a different form: Less of immature comments, to internal & personal problems. 

The older you get, the more you begin to figure out your style of clothing/ your overall aesthetic.    But I couldn't fit into anything I liked. Shit, not even the things I needed.

(it was all about the little things that made this hard) 

I bought  a dress when I was 16: It was from Forever 21, circle cut, with a cut out in the back. It has these little doodles drawn on  it, and the base color was an eggshell white/cream color. I loved it, and ordered it in the biggest size (despite me being a medium on my worst day). I got it and my body fit into it fine, my boobs didn't even make it paste the zipper. I remember crying for over an hour, in my room, with the dress still on/ halfway zipped up. I didn't give away the dress this time though. I loved that dress like nothing else, and I promised myself that I was going to fit into it one day: That night I spent hours on my computer looking up breast reductions: Cost, risked, effects and everything in between.

 That January, I was diagnosed with scoliosis: The curve in my spine was indirectly being caused by the weight of my breast. Yup … even more motivation for me to get this procedure done.

For the past 6 years, I have been trying to find ways to fund this $10,000 surgery, and On the 14th of October, 2016… well who else but god showed up.

My (new) insurance sent me a letter saying they see the medical need for this surgery, and that they will cover 100% of the cost. 

At 22, I am going to enter 2017, in that doodle dress I kept for all of those years, as the me I always wanted to be.

  Finally

[nicolahann]

NW 47: My Foundation

I have this fairly new love for makeup and what it can do to a person's face and appearance. My first experiences with makeup were not for good reasons: I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship and my self-esteem was shot. Nothing about me felt pretty or worth treating well. But thank god for my friends - they are probably the only reason I made it out of that depression unharmed.

One of my best friends (while I was living with her during that following winter break) to me that I had to find a new hobby or try something new: Which led to us watching endless YouTube tutorials on makeup and us going into Duane Read one day and spending over 100 bucks on our first set of foundation,  mascara, concealer you know…the works. 

I felt like a brand new person, it was amazing ! As sophomore year ended and we went into junior year, I ended up sticking with it . Makeup had become something I was just honestly interested in. I got better at highlighting and contouring my face, figuring out which style of false lashes looked better on my face and everything in between.  

Even though I still don't consider my self a makeup expert, I have come a long way from January sophomore year.

But now , makeup and me aren't on that same honest page we grew into. Now it has become a crutch for me to hide imperfections on my face and crazy hyper pigmentation that most black and brown girls suffer from.

I feel ugly when I don't have on my staple Mac Pro-Long Wear foundation on or when I didn't have time to pick up my favorite wispy  Ardell lashes. Somehow it has gotten back to the reason why I picked up that formula foundation in the first place - which is beyond an unhealthy place.

I like makeup - for the right reason… I just need those reasons to be the only reasons why I used it currently. The problem is, how do I get there?

Not all the time will I have the answers for myself… but the goal is to acknowledge problems.. .and take the time to treat myself well. I used to beat myself up when I'd become broke… but the point is not to wallow in that, but to say "its ok to be broken", and take your time and put yourself back together again..

So in that process ,I'm going to try and rearrange some pieces to create a stronger foundation ….

- NW 47

[nicolahann]

I am starting this new found journey with makeup and Ipsy glam bag subscription is a great way to discover new products for only $10 bucks a month! Watch my video to see what I got in my September Bag. 

-Nicolah