Jun 8
Watching the unlisted vids from Bunch of Friends channel and I'm this 🤏 close to tears. I wish I ever had a genuine friend group like that. The closest to that experience I got was irreperably ruined by covid orz
seen from Thailand
seen from Mexico
seen from Netherlands
seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Mexico
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Canada
seen from China
seen from Taiwan
seen from Mexico
seen from Spain
seen from Mexico
seen from Mexico
seen from Russia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Netherlands
seen from Mexico
Watching the unlisted vids from Bunch of Friends channel and I'm this 🤏 close to tears. I wish I ever had a genuine friend group like that. The closest to that experience I got was irreperably ruined by covid orz
Being queer in smalltown Poland and trying to pursue any kind of relationship is wack. Mere being out by yourself is a risk. The best I can do is just express 'woke' opinions (aka. basic human empathy in a face of everpresent bigotry), present vaguely nonconforming and hope someone gets it instead of hate-criming me. And that's just when it concerns only me.
Then imagine trying to find other queer people here. Where if anyone still hasn't left this fuckass place, is in similar survival stealth mode. All queer people I know from my hometown are the ones who left, hence they were no longer scared to talk about it. We don't talk about it much when we're at home.
But then, what if you have a person who is lowkey sus and incidentally you lowkey loved for years. Like you cannot just ask and pressure anyone to out themselves because on so many levels it's understandably scary. So instead all you can do is out yourself to them and hand them a knife to stab you.
How tf am I supposed to grow my hair out (like everyone around tells me to) when silly guys like Mieczysław Stiles Stilinski (or Jack Manifold) give me gender envy?
I'll never have his beautiful long lashes, neither his sickly petite boy swag but let me have the buzzcut at least orz he's literally me ohmygod
Side note: I first watched "Twinless" to see Dylan O'Brien in sth more serious and gosh it was such a satisfying movie! Also genuinely funny 🙏
Can't believe I bombed a depression test from my therapist. So embarassing! It used to be my best subject and now I barely passed with a mild case /_\'
All I want to do after work is watch Teen Wolf and hang out with my pets NOT do more work please make it go away I want to sssleeep
I need to lock in for a comission for the last time I need to lock in for a comission for the last time I need to lock in for a comission for the last time I need to lock in for a comission for the last time I need to lock in for a comission for the last time
(some oversharing, venting a little bit, but nonchalantly, don't worry)
I knew me not maintaining online conversations with anyone and not putting effort into making irl friends was a problem I got after my last friendship breakup which fucked me up in the weirdest ways.
It was an irl relationship that had to power through online because of covid and later because of long distance. It's gotten so fucking exhausting because I was most often the one who initiated everything. And I really went beyond and above to keep it fun and unique. Like, we had a shared online project, I made them an advent calendar on google docs, I built us house on a minecraft server, I made us custom emojis and lots of memes and drawings. All tailored specifically to make that one person happy. Yet I had to beg them to have at least one video call a week, to sometimes message me first, to (crazy) maybe sometimes remember I exist. All while trying to graduate uni from my insane's family home, then working from home office for ungodly hours, while slowly going insane from it all.
I will admit I was turning nasty and snappy the longer it went on. But it didn't help to be met with an emotional inteligence of a brick (i.e. an average man) every time. It got to a point I was so unhappy that when I opened a message from them I would look away from the screen and dissociate just to not respond. Because I was so tired. In the end I sunk all that trust and effort into emotionally unavailable person. It crashed and burned and I was left with a feeling my best wasn't good enough to keep anyone in my life. I cannot become a better friend than that. In my standard I was a perfect friend, I was satisfied with my 'work'. But it failed and got rejected, so what's the point anymore?
All this to say it's incredibly nice to be reminded this week that talking to people doesn't always suck the will to live out of me <3
"My child turned out fine!"
Ma'am, your child knows Kikuo's "You are a Worthless Child" lyrics by heart.