#nightthougts

[crybaby669s]

Manchmal, da tust du einfach nur noch weh.

[itakeu2wonderland]

Is someone out there who will love Me like I loved Him? I am Not Waiting for You But I wish I would know if there will Ever be someone who holds me in his arms and I'll feel like home like I did with him.

[neumondsgesichter]

Dieses Gefühl im eigenen Altag zu ertrinken..

[minimal-designr]

Love me where I am the worst and need you the most

[adreamycupcake-blog]

I’m thinking way too often. It’s 3am and my brain just wont shut up so i’m just going to write everything down. Maybe deleting it later. 

The loudest thought right now is: I don’t know. I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know! I KNOW that i don’t know stuff, you dont have to shout at me. But

I DON'T KNOW

I mean, how could i?

What is it, that makes me feel bad and sick and unliked.

Why is it so hard for me to keep on going? Why don't I just go into my room, pick up my violin and learn how to play properly? Why don't I just keep going with the smalltalk, that my so called friends start with me, instead of just pretend I forgot to text back or to be busy? Why don't I just deal with it and meetup with someone?  Why don't I just keep in touch with the people I actually like?

What about her? What is she doing? How was her work experience?

My phone vibrated, I thought it was a message by someone, I felt queasy first, but then it turned out to be only twitter, just some stranger that liked a post of another stranger, and i was happy and sad at the same time.

I still don't know what's going on in others life. Am I a bad person? Am I a bad friend? Am I even a friend?

Someone once said to me that I am a good friend. That I can listen, that I accept people for who they are, that I don't want to change people. That I don't judge out loud, that I am kind and that I would never hurt somebody.

When I heard it, I was more thankfull than ever. I had to keep my tears back. It was hard, it really was. But at the same time, we weren't alone when she told me all that. Her therapist was with us, because she had a meeting with her the same day. And I was asking myself afterwards if it may was fake, or not quite the truth, because we weren't alone. I could not imagine her saying that to me, just because she can and because it's the truth, just to make me happy. She told me that when we both sat in front of her therapist, talking about each other and why we would like each other as friends.

Why don't I just trust her? It's still hard for me to think all of it was the truth, even if already a year or so past since then. Or maybe it's exactly because it's been a year. Maybe I fear that it changed since then. That I am not the one she used to like. That I am just another girl, tired and ignorant for other people's feelings. Maybe that's what I fear the most. Change.

I am asking myself a lot too. For example, why is it like that?

Everytime, when there's friendship I get to see, I also see a lots of hugs. Real, loving hugs, just to comfort each other and to show each other what they ment to them. To show their Love. I don't remember a hug like this. Maybe a hug when I cried and my best friend wanted to comfort me a little, yes. But it never actually felt like that what it's supposed to. Or what I expect. I expect from a hug that I don't want to let go, because it's just such a good feeling to have someone beside you, who cares how you feel and who just wants to cuddle your sadness away. But it never felt like that. The hugs I share are heartless. Just to great someone or to say goodbye. Without even meaning it. I guess. I mean, for me it never felt like a "Omg, HI, nice to see you, I totally missed you, c'mere, I want to cuddle you!"  - for me it always kinda feels like a  "Hi, the modern greeting is a hug and not a handshake or stuff, so lets hug so others can see that we are great friends."

I want a hug.

And when it's not for greeting or so, like hugs in the middle of the day, just because they can. I don't know if I am 'allowed' to do that. That sounds weird, right? I mean, I see that one of my closest friends is totally comfortable with hugs and stuff, but I'm still unsure if I am allowed to hug her. She has this other friend, she doesn't really like me but that doesn't bother me much, she hugs und touches her whenever she can, and my friend is totally comfortable with it. And we are close friends, that should be okay, right? But then again, what if I expect something completly different? What if ... man, I don' know. Seriously, I don't.

But I don't want to ask either. I am already the weirdo, that's enough. I don't want to be that weirdo that doesn't even know how to act like a normal human being.

My head hurts. I just want to sleep. 

I don’t know if someone is going to read this, but if you are, hello, thanks for your precious time and have a wonderful night/day. I didn’t want to bother you.

I’m trying to sleep now. 

[dasleben-istein-wunderwerk]

Still awake

You aren’t here. I need you. I need your love. I need you to be happy. I have deep feelings for you. But I don’t know you. You aren’t here.

[untilwereachneverland]

Half of me (the better half) is really glad I said no when you asked me out, but the other half is now wondering what that could've been like.

[ilyleslieee-blog]

I haven't kissed a girl in forever