#nm personal

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I got the freaking promotion... except no more money for now... but my back it’s grateful. 

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Sometimes I remember the movie Moonlight, and a sob comes out of my mouth. and I start tearing up. I feel a void in my stomach. The levels in which I can recognize the loneliness and isolation of Chiron it’s so painful. 

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I have been writing my thesis and this chapter is about masculinity, fatherhood, what it means to be a son in a patriarchal society full of misogyny and homophobia and I can’t stop thinking about all the lgbt movies that I love and I can’t stop thinking about my fears of intimacy and I can’t stop thinking how this hegemonic masculinity has fucked up my father, my brothers and my ability to express my emotions even though I wasn’t raised as a boy (I’m a trans dude) and yet, here we are, full of hatred, without the ability to put into words how I feel, unable to tell people that I love them, and it pissed me off so much. 

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It’s most likely that I have my top surgery on Wednesday. *deep breath* I still cannot believe it. 

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every time a bus sounds its claxon my brain thinks it’s the earthquake alarm and I get anxious and I hear every little sound and I stand alert and god, my nerves are wrecking me. today there was another earthquake. I didn’t feel it but the sound of the alarm has stuck in my brain. I haven’t sleep well since tuesday and my stomach has been not well.

I think this is what people call “triggering” I guess. 

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Today is my birthday. I'm officially 30 years old

When I was young I thought I would die before hitting my twenties and now my twenties are over. This has been quite a trip. I feel like this year was the year where I actually tried to get better, after so many years of depression and self destruction.

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i just came back to say that I'm so done with my job, sigh.

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I’m so tired. I just wanna nap all week. I’m so depressed it’s not funny anymore. Sigh.