#no flames please

[circesoracle]

feel like pure shit want old fanfiction.net etiquette back

[wylanvnneck]

Malec Drabble

*Post CoLS after the infamous page 511*

In City of Heavenly Fire, it’s mentioned that Alec had tried to contact Magnus many times after their breakup and this short one shot is based off of one of those attempts, inspired by the song ‘Need You Now’ by Lady Antebellum. (I’d recommend listening to it too).

This was the first fic that I ever published online and one of my first ever fic attempts form years ago and I never had the courage to post it here, but I figured, hey, might as well do it now.

—————————————————————————

Alec watches as a single tear trails a solitary path down his cheek, dropping onto the photograph in his hands. It was one of the many pictures of him and Magnus laid out on the floor of his room in the Institute; both of them smiling into the camera, looking pathetically happy. Most of them were Magnus-instigated “selfies”, a mundane term which Alec had not known of before Magnus. There were a lot of things he hadn’t known before Magnus.

As the lone tear multiplies, Alec’s resolve crashes - allowing him to reach for the phone that had been temptingly close, calling to him. As he glimpses the picture of him and his Warlock that was his home screen, he finds himself wondering if Magnus was as broken as he was…did he think of him incessantly like Alec did of him?  All day-long for the past two days and 18 hours Alec had replayed scenes and memories of him and Magnus, always coming back to the moment when Magnus had said it was over, beautiful cat eyes glistening. 'Aku Cinta Kamu’ he’d said…but it hadn’t been enough.

He stares at the name that was at the top of his contacts and he can’t bring himself to care that it was a quarter after one in the morning and that Magnus was probably already asleep. He taps the call button as he waits with baited breath to see if he’d answer. He doesn’t know what he would do if the High Warlock of Brooklyn didn’t answer.

                                                        * * *

Magnus felt the burn of the whiskey as it slipped down his throat. He had lost count of the number of shots he’d had and between each one he would catch himself staring at the door, wishing that a certain blue-eyed Shadowhunter would burst through it just like he used to, sometimes with a couple scratches and his bow in tow…But that couldn’t happen, because not even three days before, Magnus had broken up with him in an isolated subway tunnel. He remembers the anguished look in Alec’s cerulean eyes as he told him he loved him but that it just wasn’t enough. The mere thought of it compels him to reach out once again to the bottle of alcohol, in the hopes that it would somehow drown out the hurt. The fiery drink consumes his senses, a poor way of attempting to numb his pain.

He has a fleeting thought that, no matter how excruciating, he would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. As a Warlock who had lived for many hundreds of years, he knew that with each passing decade his ability to feel - and worse; his desire to feel- had been slowly deteriorating…until he met Alec. Something about the innocent and pure-hearted Shadowhunter had captivated him and made him feel like just maybe, life might actually still be worth living.

These thoughts flitter through his mind as he finds himself inadvertently reaching for his phone. He brings up Alec’s contact, still on his speed dial, the profile picture piercing him like a dagger as he spots the familiar hole in the left hand shoulder of the gray sweater that Alec had been wearing when Magnus had snapped a picture of his boyfriend while he slept, looking peaceful and wholly adorable, for once not on the alert. He gazes at the small smile curving his lips as he sleeps and it feels like a dream. Alec, Alec, everything was Alec. Alec as he was when he’d had his first ever kiss, Alec sharing his strength on Valentine’s ship, Alec kissing him with urgent determination in front of a crowd of both Shadowhunters and Downworlders, Alec standing in the middle of a fancy suite in Rome during their world tour, looking flustered and completely delectable. His Alexander.

Then, he remembers. He is no longer his.

All the reasons for their breakup, the betrayal, the hopelessness, the hurt, enter the forefront of his mind and instead of pressing call he hurls the phone at the wall, the glossy white paint chipping at the impact as the screen cracks and goes blank.

                                                              * * *                                                     

A few days later when he emerges from his stupor long enough to magic the expensive phone fixed with a spark of blue, he sees the missed call from Alec and ignores it, labeling his temporary lack of resolve that night as ‘the alcohol’s fault.’

[my-mind-is-a-weapon]

I just saw the words "no flames please! Don't like don't read!" in the summary of a fic in AO3 and suddently I had a ratatouille style flashback to 2009 ffdotnet

[grippedbydestielfever]

So, this is a gorgeous series, with a female protagonist who is an academic, apologetically brilliant at what she does, a complex character with a tortured and slightly mysterious past, a female character who is complex, intelligent, damaged, strong, brilliant, confident...so naturally she must be a mary sue, or unrealistic, or needs to be torn down and criticized. After what happened with the 13th Doctor’s casting, and a million times before that, I should be well used to this by now but just, as a young woman with crippling anxiety who is also training to become an academic, I identify so much with this character and what she represents about how awesome and amazing women are, and I just...why can’t we have nice things again? Why can’t there be awesome female characters like this, why do they get torn down by everybody just because of their gender? Think about it, young, attractive, smart, complex, complicated and tortured backstory, protagonist, athletic, kind, polite, assertive...if this was a description for a male protagonist, what would everyone’s reactions be?

Just food for thought.

[jobethdalloway]

could you tell me what kind of conference that was you talked about? where you mentioned ptsd in church lmao I think I can relate to that, even though I used to call that "scarred for life" thinking about it, it's really sad how much damage immaturity, bigotry & above of all judgement & self righteousness (in church or rather people in church) can cause

This was the conference. It’s the fourth one I’ve been to and it’s always one of my favorite weekends of the year. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure at the hands of your church. It’s certainly a familiar feeling, and I consider myself lucky to have good takeaways that have helped me. Either way, it’s great to be able to surround yourself with people who understand your journey.

[auntie-ellie]

Star Wars IX Theory

Rey and Kylo bring balance to the force, that’s been established in TLJ. Maybe they both have to die to put an end to the conflict between the light and the dark. Both of their deaths could bring balance to the force, since in physically dying they become one with it. And that would perhaps explain why Daisy Ridley allegedly cried after hearing what SW screen writers had planned for Rey. 

[disabledfag]

One little girl having to bounce from school to school, never really finding that place to call home, becoming accustomed to having to say home is where they stand. At such a young age they find their family standing in gasoline with a match in each hand. Once the flames had died to a smolder the family was torn asunder, split in two, half living in relative poverty, the other living a comfortable life of the middle class. As the flames died down this little girl was found sitting on a couch trying to find that little piece of herself that died within that fire. Having to sit there for years on end talking to try and find those missing pieces, there are pieces that were not even known about before the fire. Many years of learning and growing before any form of self-discovery lead to the experience of such a deep change within their self that few people have actually experienced that deep of a rejection of themselves.

Some time between walking out of that fire that charred the edges of the child walking from the flames and their adventures through the adult portion of their life something changed. There became this deep compulsive need to pick and pull and scratch, to pull them apart piece by piece. There’s something off that was deep inside their mind, deep within their skin crawling and battling to get out, for years there was a deep itch and pull. Digging and pulling to get this damn thing out of where it is buried in their chest, in their throat, behind their eyes. On those days where they can hardly leave the bed, that weight sitting dead on their chest just the size of a world pressing on top of bones and muscles always threatening to break and puncture. On those days even the blankets weigh hundreds of pounds and clothing weighs millions of pounds hanging from their limbs. On those days nothing works, not their body, not their brain. On other days there is a fear of the world hiding deep in their soul, clawing from the pit of their stomach, boiling as harsh as stomach acid and bile fighting against the shame of that monstrous fear of what the world can do. Those days are the ones dotting blood across the pages, rusting red smeared over paper and sheets. It is those days when they feel the need to run forever and never stop or turn around, and yet the need to never move from the blankets and dark spaces hiding them from the view of the world. Then those are the days that plague their mind and soul in stereo, louder than anything that should be possible within any understanding. Those days are worse than most others, it is the same deep need to scratch and pull, to destroy themselves with their own hands, it is the weight of judgment hanging from every particle of their skin and bones, it is the need to run as well as the need to hide, it is all of that and more. Those days are the ones where a name or pronouns burn and bury their way deeper under skin and muscle and bones than any procedure with a blade, those are the days that begin slowly disintegrating them from the inside out. There are the days where things do not work anymore, their voice stops working, resorting to writing or signing as any means of communication, there are days where their body stops working, they cannot find it in them to move from the fewest movements beyond the most basic of functions, there are days where their mind cannot find it to function as it should, losing things more than normal, an inability to comprehend even the simplest of tasks. There are days where they can be fine, repairing themselves from the battles prior. Then there are the days of one or multiple needs pulling them apart slowly decimating their resistance to pieces, unable to fight for themselves much longer.

Growing up there was never the expectation of being anything other than successful and normal, have a good life, have a good job, make everyone proud, this endless stream of expectations of what to do, who to become, where to go, all of those expectations are torn to pieces slowly but surely over time expectation by expectation. Slowly from one couch to another that little girl grew and evolved into a never-ending monster of change and something different in the world. There is always the expectation of some change, growing out of one skin into the next. However what is not expected or anticipated by many is the change that is so deep that all the layers must be pulled up and torn to shreds and discard before they can fully evolve. Even when those changes require that the layers be slowly scratched away piece by piece changing over time until no one recognizes them by the skin they once showed. Those changes are some of the hardest, it takes months to years to decades before one could even understand that the skin they show the world was never correct, then if they so choose they transition which in and of itself takes time of social, physical, and mental change.

Transitioning cannot happen within a day or within a week, it takes years of effort and fighting to become yourself for something as simple as changing your name or your pronouns. That is only part of the struggle when you’re having as someone transitions there are so many layers of what it means to transition from having to change everything about yourself within yourself and to everyone else. You have to battle your way through social stigma of midway transitioning of looking like the sex you were born with while working to present as who you really are. It is an uphill battle from the moment you come out to forever. However it does get better because once you’re out as yourself despite every struggle it gets better, the fight for that respect of who you are is worth it in the end. You cannot even truly understand how painful it is to forcefully rebuild every aspect of who you are to the public. You mentally have to rebuild yourself and that could be the hardest part of transitioning, that severe mental shift of who you grew up as and who you were always told you were to this person who you feel like to yourself. You have to tell your family and your friends and any anyone you meet that everything that they expect of you is wrong that you are your own person not what society has told everyone who you are. That is only the beginning of the battle to transition however having to change socially is potentially the most complicated aspect of transitioning because you are completely remaking your entire identity. After that, it gets expensive having to pay for the legal and medical transitioning if that is what the trans person wants to do. It is thousands of dollars to medically transition between surgeries to change whatever aspect of your body you want to change. Despite how desperately challenging it is to transition it is the most satisfying experience of living as trans.

That little girl within the flames she grew and evolved, their name is now Nicholi and no one will tell them differently, that is who he is and that is who he will stay to be. It took many years for Nicholi to come into himself and even then the change is still not complete at this time while he may be himself socially and mentally, physically and legally he is still that little girl to the world. It is those that aid in the mental illnesses to slowly destroy his resistance to that dark and hateful place within himself. Every time that dead name, or the name placed on the birth certificate, is used or someone misgenders him, intentionally or accidentally, it is like they are handing him a razor encouraging him to place it against his skin. There are always the looks of freak or like some strange creature, those carve almost as deep as the dead name or the wrong pronouns. It all feels like a slow building torture driving him to insanity beyond any reckoning.

Even as a much younger child Nicholi wanted to run away, to find a life all on his own free of family or anyone who can hold that expectation over him of being successful or being who he knows he is, there always a draw to just leave with every piece of himself behind to completely remake himself with an entire new identity. As an adult Nicholi still couldn’t help but be compelled to destroy himself and just leave, starting over from nothing. After he worked through medically transitioning and a lifetime worth of changing who he was it was still not enough. It was not until Nicholi was well into being himself as the man that he knew he was before he could not stand to be the person who his history writes him as. It could not be any more of the perfect time to just leave, there was nothing holding him back right now. Only one bag of only a few changes of clothes and some other odds and ends was all Nicholi had strapped to his back as he sat waiting for the bus to leave. There’s enough cash in his pocket having emptied his bank account and finding some ticket to anywhere in the world, no plan, no expectations just the need to leave and to reinvent himself. With that Nicholi vanished into the world never to be known again by those in his past. He left behind his life of once being that little girl with a family torn asunder, he left behind his life of once sitting on couches trying to find himself in the rubble of his life, he left behind his life of once battling for anyone to accept him as himself not just his birth, he left behind his life of once fighting through surgeries and hormones and so many people standing over him poking and prodding him verbally or with needles. There was so much he was willing to leave behind to just rebuild.

[zee-isaiah-pugnacious7-blog]

In Defense of Junpei Iori

I want to start off by saying this is my own thoughts on the character. Whether you like/hate this character is your own personal opinion; respect my opinion, and I will respect yours. Thank you.

So, Junpei. The token comedy-relief/best-buddy of Persona 3. Friendly, funny, charming and sharing the same voice-actor as Edward Elric (plus several others), he is one of the more memorable characters of the series...

And yet... a lot of people seem to hate him. More often than not, some people comment that he’s one of the most annoying characters in the game! 

Ironically, my boyfriend--- who first introduced me to the Persona series--- was the one who brought up Junpei being a lousy character (He later took it back after noticing how similar the character is--- not even joking, they have similar issues at their homes). But it wasn’t because he thought Junpei was annoying--- it was mainly because... well, Junpei sucked on his team. 

My Boyfriend: Good luck having Junpei on your team. He wouldn’t follow my commands, kept dying, blah blah blah...

Me: *after playing the game* Dude, Junpei is a tank on my team! I’m not even giving him commands, and he’s helping heal the group, he can take a blow, yadda yadda...

(Maybe they can just tell when a girl is playing the game XD)

I get the feeling that’s one reason why people don’t like Junpei--- they have trouble with him on the team. ...Then again, if that were the case, wouldn’t everyone have at least one [other] character they hated having on their team? I guess, depending on the equipment, commands and experience, the characters you choose vary in performance.

...But c’mon guys, how many of us got angry at Mitsuru and her overuse of ‘Marin-Karin/Tentarafoo’? THE COMICS ARE EVERYWHERE!

Me: Okay, Mitsuru--- the Shadow is weak to Ice. Watch me use Bufu. *casts it, destroys enemy* See? Easy. Use Bufu skills. BUFU skills.

Mitsuru: MARIN KARIN!

Me: F*CKING DAMMIT, MITSURU, YOU’RE OFF THE TEAM! 

*ahem* So, yeah, no one’s perfect ^^’

But combat-performance isn’t the only reason I see people hating on Junpei. Like I said earlier, they find him annoying--- maybe they think he’s too much of a pervert (ironic in a game where you play as a guy/girl who can f*ck several people), or maybe they think he’s an idiot (Who’s playing this game, Yukari?), but more often than not, there’s a couple things that always come up...

Junpei’s want for attention, and how he gets jealous of the Protagonist.

Lets start with the fight for attention. During the first mission, Junpei is quick to rush ahead, trying to prove his potential. (And this may be a little late but I’ve never seen all the movie adaptations yet *only the 2nd one* so I’m just going by the game storyline). Clearly he wants to be in the spotlight, and *at first* sees fighting Shadows as some sort of game, up until he realizes just how serious it really is.

But think about it--- before awakening to his Persona, Junpei was a regular teenager. The creators themselves mentioned that Junpei was a crucial character because he acted like a real teenager--- cracking jokes, getting excited about having this power... I mean, how would you react if you were a high school student and found out you had a rare power? You’d be pumped, wouldn’t you?

Meanwhile there’s Akihiko, Shinjiro, Yukari, and Mitsuru who awoke to their Personas early on (for crying out loud Mitsuru awoke to hers when she was just a little girl! She was a chibi with power!). They managed to understand the concept of their potential--- and, since they had serious stuff going on in their lives, took this responsibility to heart. (It really hits you in the feels with Shinji’s case)

Now look at Junpei’s life--- living with an alcoholic father, having little skills and low grades... chances are, he was putting on a mask *no P5 refs intended*; behind that comedic behavior and charming smile was a teen struggling with depression, feeling like he was going nowhere in life. (You all saw his moment with Koromaru in “The Answer”). He awoke to his Persona--- not because he had some ‘mission’ to fulfill, but because he wanted to find a purpose in life.

AndthenhemeetsChidoriandfallsinlovebringinguphisdreamsofbeingabaseballplayerthenshediesinordertosavehislifeandyougethitwiththefeelsandhefindsanewreasontolivegaaaaaaaahhhhh---

Sorry! Got off-track for a moment there!

Point is, the moment he gets his Persona, he feels a rush of excitement, like his life has purpose after all! (This is emphasized after Strega encounters the group, bringing up that once the Dark Hour is destroyed everyone will lose their powers). So of course he’d want to ‘show ‘em what he’s got’ and try to impress everyone, because he’s trying to prove his self-worth.

Now lets bring up the part where he gets jealous of the Protagonist. 

I can hear you all, “Of course he’s jealous--- the protag is a badass who gets all the girls and is acing the exams, etc.* SHUT UP. JUST. SHUT. UP.

First of all, think about the FIRST time you play the game--- where your stats are at an ALL TIME LOW. Your intelligence is ranked at dumbass, you’ve got as much charm as a piece of cardboard, and you have less courage than Scooby Doo!

So you’ve got a guy with zero intelligence, minimal charm, and zip courage... and yet all of a sudden he’s elected Team Leader just because he--- big shock--- awoke to his Persona and *gasp* fought Shadows! Just. Like. Everyone. Else. 

Granted, there were reasons he got the Leader rank--- Mitsuru had to stay behind at the start in order to scan for Shadow activity, Akihiko’s arm was broken, Yukari was having confidence issues, and Junpei was the new guy---

Wait a minute! The Protag was the new guy too! Why was he elected leader? Why couldn’t he and Junpei have had a rock-paper-scissors tournament to decide? What, was it because Junpei wasn’t ‘serious’ enough? I’m pretty sure putting him in a responsible position would get him serious! (...or he’d abuse his power, much like many did when playing the game *cough*BikiniWarriors*cough*)

“But the Protag can use more than one Persona!” you may argue, but I’m talking about the very start of the game--- before you start your Social Links and start acquiring more than 1 Persona (and leaving poor Orpheus behind to rot lol). Like, out of the blue, Mitsuru just says “You can be Leader until Akihiko gets better,” ...then after Akihiko heals up, it’s like “You can keep being leader, you’re doing a great job.”

Okay, maybe I’m overthinking it. If Protag didn’t get the role of leader, we’d have no gameplay. Lets stick with Junpei. 

Granted as the game goes on, your stats do improve by the time you get to the Hotel. And thus when Junpei gets jealous--- everyone fights these two massive Shadows... and the Protag is getting most of the praise. Despite any reassurance you give him, he still gets pissed and ignores you for the week.

(Me: Nuuuuuuu! Junpei, come baaaaack! I’ll buy you ramen!)

And of course this is where a lot of people consider Junpei to be annoying, for throwing a b*tch-fit about the Protagonist being hot-sh*t. 

But, lets re-analyze what I mentioned before--- fighting Shadows is all Junpei considers himself good for. Heck during this time, he realizes he’s going to be a senior by the next year... and then what? What is he going to do with his life after high school?

Also, lets bring up the fact that he’s fighting Shadows with a well-respected valedictorian (Mitsuru), the captain of the boxing-team who has fan-girls surrounding him at the start (Akihiko), the most popular girl in school (Yukari), a girl with a rare Persona who helped her survive in Tartarus for 10 days/hours (Fuuka), and an emo-hunk every woman wants to sleep with (Protagonist). 

DO YOU SEE WHAT HE HAS TO COMPETE WITH?! Throw in a robot, dog, kid and the baddest of the badasses, and you’ve got a lot of pressure on your shoulders! *granted they don’t come in until after the beach trip, but still!*

Keep in mind, these are all high-school students. If there’s one thing I remember about being in high-school, it’s that I wanted people to like me and achieve at something. There was always someone much smarter, more athletic, more creative, and more charismatic than I ever could be. (...I can hear you all making fun of me for being a geek right now. Go on, laugh it up!) 

Junpei got jealous because the New Kid became a kick-ass leader (...depending on how well you play the game...) and he’s working his a$$ off to make something of himself in order to cope with a bad home life, lack of academic potential, and whether or not he’ll have a future after graduation. 

He wasn’t just jealous, he was suffering from anxiety. If he was the least-anything on the team, he lost his motivation. It’s no different than feeling depressed because someone believed you ‘weren’t good enough’ at something. 

I believe many of us have gone through that. It really hurts, and sometimes lashing out at someone who’s ‘better’ than you is the first response; other times you just shut yourself out from others, wallowing in your self-pity, trying to figure out if you’re worth anything...

But there’s something Junpei does that not many people do.

He realizes his mistakes and apologizes. 

He realizes he rushed in too fast during the first mission, and asks for a second chance when the group goes to rescue Fuuka. 

He realizes he was faulting the Protagonist for no reason *kinda like I did a minute ago* and apologizes to him for it. 

Junpei: Sorry for being such a d*ck to you...

Me: *choosing option* Don’t Worry About It.

Junpei: *softly* Thanks bud.

Me: *while fainting* Friendship saved~! 

(okay okay, that’s the last of the fan-girling, promise!)

As the game goes on, his character development gets better. He doesn’t even try to act like a class-clown that much after meeting Chidori (as Fuuka said, he acts more like a gentleman). ...It’s only during the trip to Kyoto that he reverts back to his perverted nature :P 

(Saying it now, DAMN THOSE HOT-SPRINGS!!!)

Moving on.

It isn’t until near the end of the game that we really see him change--- and we all know the reason: Chidori. 

You’ve all seen what happened, so I’m not going into detail here! 

Point is, her sacrifice was what really helped him wake up--- he developed a new reason to not just get through life, but LIVE it. The love of his life didn’t want him to just give up--- she wanted to see him achieve his dreams and be happy. 

After that, Junpei once again apologizes to the Protagonist, letting go of his jealousy and relying on his friend to help get them through this battle against the Dark Hour. 

Because there’s a double meaning to the ‘Dark Hour’--- it’s not just some creative title for Tartarus appearing, but an analogy on how everyone is going through their darkest moments. Losing Chidori is Junpei’s Dark Hour--- and he needs his best friend to help him get through it until it’s over.

Then comes Ryoji, bearing the bad news that Nyx is coming... 

This is where I really noticed a change in Junpei’s character. He’s scared, but reacts with anger rather than humor--- everyone’s losing someone already, then all of a sudden everyone’s going to die. 

Yukari, ironically, tries to crack a joke in order to try and lighten up the tension... and Junpei blows up at her! The vice-versa of the beginning of the game! 

This is proof that Junpei had been hiding his real emotions the whole time--- once things got serious to the point where its all ‘Oh f*ck we’re all gonna die’, he dropped his class clown charade. 

“He should’ve been serious from the start!” you may argue... 

But, lets face it, we had ENOUGH serious characters--- no-nonsense Mitsuru, training-focused Akihiko, hardass Shinjiro, truth-seeking Yukari, vengeance-seeking Ken, humanity-learning Aigis... geez I think Koromaru and Fuuka were the only ones not dead-serious about something! 

As mentioned, Junpei was using humor in order to cope with things; he let out his anger at Shinjiro’s funeral, but once the grieving period passed went on with his humorous behavior, keeping enthusiastic because it was his only defense. Losing Chidori was probably his breaking point--- finding out the world was going to end in two months drove him over the edge, and he just couldn’t take it anymore.

But, he chose to fight, alongside the others, even if there was a slim chance of success. He didn’t want to give up. He wanted to try--- and succeed. 

So I ask again... why do people hate on Junpei? Maybe you all have your own reasons outside of the ones I’ve listed--- whatever they are, it’s your opinion, I can’t tell you how to feel. This is just my thought on him.

Because, if you think about it, in some way we’re similar to the character. We often hide our real feelings until we just can’t take anymore. We get jealous of others, we get depressed when we can’t find a purpose in life. 

But many of us still want to try.

And I believe we shall succeed. 

Just don’t give up.