Summary: Before moving to the city he’d thought his days back at school in London had been wild, but American’s put the British to shame in their attempts at debauchery.
Or that fic where Killian and the guys rent a barcycle for the night and everything goes wrong…but there's this blonde he keeps seeing, and she's an angel
Rating: Probably Teen but let’s just go with M to be safe
A/N: So one of my favorite fandom people was feeling down and I wanted to do something to cheer her up. @pirateherokillian, a little birdie (cough @xemmaloveskillianx cough) told me that you like your fics with a certain pirate acting a little drunk and a whole lot goofy. I hope this brightens your day a some!
“A barcycle. What the hell is a bloody barcycle?”
Killian Jones had heard of all sorts of strange things since he’d moved to Boston three years before for college. He’d been completely taken aback when Victor Whale had scored them all an invitation to the Alpha Tau’s annual ‘pimps and hoes back to school’ party their freshman year. Then there had been spring break. He’d thought his days back at school in London had been wild, but American’s put the British to shame with their attempts at debauchery.
So he really shouldn’t have been surprised at the idea of a mobile method of imbibing, yet he was.
“What part is tripping you up mate? The bar part or the cycle part?”
Will Scarlet, Wanker of Willington, had moved to the states at roughly the same time as Killian, but as the less studious of the two, armed with much lower standards that Killian, Will had found himself with more free time to explore the city.
“I got that much, mate.” Killian made sure to pop the t just has his hand made contact with the back of Will’s head. “I just can’t fathom people actually drinking while on bicycles. I thought this place had laws against that sort of thing.”
“Well for starters,” David cut in, “you won’t be on a bicycle. It’s more like sitting at a table that has pedals.”
Robin, who’d been oddly quiet during the discussion had scrunched up his face.
“And secondly, it’s not illegal. They have a liquor license. As long as your butt is in the seat, you can drink. Once you get off, you have to wait until you’re in the bar to have more.”
“Wait. If I’m already sitting at the bar, why on earth are we stopping at other bars?”
Killian was glad to see someone else just as perplexed by the entire thing as he was.
“Look, I have to run. You’ll see it when you get there. Just be at The Frog’s Pond at nine sharp.”
With that David grabbed his book-bag and headed out for his final exam of their junior year. Killian had taken his last one that morning, on very little sleep thanks to the base thumping from the apartment next door. If it kept up much longer, he was going to find a way to convince Dave and Rob that they’d all need to find a new place after their lease was up the next month.
Killian grumbled as his head hit the back of the couch, earning him a chuckle from Robin.
“Come on. It’s not as bad as all of that is it?”
Killian grumbled once more and the grin his friend had been sporting fell.
“It’s one night, and to be honest, I think it’s time you started getting out again. It’s been three months since Milah broke up with you.”
“Oi, I didn’t know we were allowed to start using her name again!”
Killian rolled his eyes at Will’s flippant remark. The guys had actually all been pretty good about not mentioning her in recent months. Not since she dumped him for a much older medieval history professor. His only solace had been the rumors that he’d dumped her a few weeks earlier so he could pursue one of the literary grad students instead.
“You know what? You’re absolutely right, and I’m going to start with getting out of here right now.”
Killian grabbed his coat and left for the coffee house around the corner, ignoring his friend’s groans as he did so. The coffee shop had always been his little haven. His roommates tended to shy away from any establishment that didn’t serve alcohol or greasy food, and the shop afforded him a quiet atmosphere to study in. Now, it was just as escape from his well meaning but overbearing friends.
The whole night had started off as just one of those vague ideas that he never expected to actually come to fruition. Graham’s birthday had been two weeks earlier and they’d been knee deep in the books studying for finals (or at least most of them had) so Victor had suggested just waiting until the end of term and doing something special to celebrate both occasions.
His mates had been a little tipsy at the time and he’d expected them to have forgotten about it, but low and behold, they hadn’t. Whale had even gone so far as to book the barcycle for the entire evening.
Killian made his way to the counter, ready to order his usual, when he stopped short. There, ordering the last vanilla cupcake and a hot cocoa with cinnamon was a blonde goddess. He’d been so taken with her that he’d missed the barista calling for him to place his order, and when the woman turned back to see what all of the fuss was about, he’d realized that he’d been staring and started to blush furiously.
To spare himself any further embarrassment he stepped up to the counter to order his latte, but when he turned back she was gone. He stayed there for a few hours just watching people and thinking about the woman he’d missed.
Back at his apartment he’d been pleasantly surprised to find it empty and quiet. The neighbor next door must have finally left for his own exams. Well that or he’d stroked out from the constant noise. Either way, Killian was glad for it as he toppled over into his bed to nap.
The pounding was back, a photo frame on his wall nearly falling off as the beat bombarded him once more. He looked at his watch. Seven. Not quite early enough to head to the bar, but not late enough to hope he could tough it out either. He shot a text off to Graham, whose apartment was only a few blocks away to let him know he was heading over.
They watched the tail end of Back to the Future, cheering as Marty McFly and his girlfriend crammed into the delorean with the Doc and took off. By the time the final credits played, it was almost nine and time to head down to the bar. When he and Graham arrived though, it was to find and aggravated Victor yelling at a random guy while David, Robin, and a few other guys they knew sat and watched.
“What’s wrong with Victor?”
“Apparently they accidentally gave our barcycle out to another group?” Will didn’t sound entirely sure.
“No,” interrupted Victor, who was apparently finished dressing down one of the employees. “They actually just double booked us. From what I understand though there is another one coming in about twenty minutes though.”
Killian watched as the guy disappeared into the bar and reappeared carrying a small cardboard box.
“Look, man. I’m really sorry about the mix up, but to make it up to you we have some free beer koozies for all of you.”
Victor scoffed, taking the proffered koozie.
Tonight I was a hero. I found a beer that was trapped inside a bottle and I rescued it.
Cleaver.
With twenty minutes to kill, the guys all headed inside bar, coined The Frog Pond for their drink staple. A blue concoction made with eight different rums and god knew what else. The bartender had warned them that they were large drinks meant for sharing, but being the manly men that they were, sharing was out of the question. Instead each guy ordered their own, all cheersing and taking a gulp at the same time.
It was disgusting. Possibly the worst drink Killian had ever had in his life, and judging by the grimaces on his compatriots faces, they all agreed as well. At sixteen bucks a pop though, Killian had refused to not finish it. The rest of the guys had managed to chug theirs down as well, all except Robin who was struggling with each gulp he took. Finally, he conceded defeat and set the still half full bowl back on the table. Remised to waste alcohol, Killian downed the rest of Robin’s drink in one go.
Killian was starting to feel the buzz as their barcycle pulled up looking worse for the wear. Three of the seats were missing pedals and the music coming through the speaker system was more static than anything.
“You’re kidding me right? This is the joke bike you bring out to get the crowd laughing before the real one shows up, right?”
Victor had a point. Graham had looked up the rental agency and Whale was splashing out a few hundred dollars.
“Again, I’m sorry. One of the owners is in New York and he approved a booking over the phone for a bunch of girls without looking at the schedule first. It’s this guy or nothing.”
Whale grumbled and David tried to tell him it would be okay. As the three men attempted to bargain for a new price, Will and some other blokes loaded a large cooler full of beer into the center of the death mobile and climbed on board, ready to continue their drinking endeavors.
Eventually the three men came to an understanding and joined them on the barcycle. The driver explained to the them the premise. They had three hours to hit as many bars as possible, but that would all depend on them. On how hard they rode and how long they wanted to stay at each place.
“Wait a sec. I thought these things had motors on them.”
“Ya, about that. This is actually one of our older carts. It’s a little old school as in they didn’t start putting engines on them until about two years ago.”
Killian could see Victor’s patience slipping with each passing minute, and while he hadn’t been all that intrigued by the entire idea in the beginning, he reminded himself that it was, in part, to celebrate Graham’s birthday, and he didn’t want the occasion to be ruined before it even started.
He bent over the bar and reached into the cooler grabbing our a beer for each man.
“Well lads, to long nights and the drinks that get us through!”
All of the men cheered, including Whale and began drinking.
Since three of the seats where basically useless, they’d agreed to change seats each time they stopped at a new bar. The driver called out for them to pedal harder and each man took it as his own personal challenge to get them up the hill. A test for sure, but Killian Jones was never one to turn down a challenge.
His legs were burning the entire way around the block to the next bar and when he stepped down from his seat, they almost gave out underneath him. The others seemed a little less wobbly. It was only made worse when he looked over and saw that they had parked right next to another cart, a much newer and nicer cart.
“Okay, gentleman. Henry’s is our first stop. Make sure the show them your wrist bands if you want the discounts on the special drinks.”
“Wait.” Will had stopped dead in his tracts halfway down the sidewalk. “What wristbands?”
“Oh, shit. Sorry guys. I totally forgot.”
“Bloody wanker. The man’s already toasted.”
Will had a point. The driver had been out of sorts back at their starting point, but Killian had just assumed he was overwhelmed from the change in plans, but now it was clear as day. The man had obviously been drinking on his last tour.
The driver ran back up to the cart and thumbed around in an overhead compartment for a while before returning with a sheet of red wristbands. He tore them apart one by one and attached them to each man’s right wrist.
“Ok, so like I was saying, show your wrist band and you’ll get three dollar shots or five dollar shots with a beer chaser.”
The only upside so far had been that the driver seemed to know the bouncer and the men were all allowed to skip the incredibly long line that had formed out front. Killian was just about to step through the door after showing the man his ID when he stopped short, catching a flash of flaxen hair. His breath caught as she passed by him, but she was gone just as quickly as she’d appeared and he’d never actually caught a glimpse of her face.
“Oi, earth to Killian. You coming?”
Killian shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts of the woman from the coffee shop. There was no way it had been her. Boston was a huge city filled with blondes. The probability of see her was next to nothing, but still, he couldn’t ignore the way his heart has started beating just a little bit harder.
“Uh, ya, coming.”
The men stayed there for about thirty minutes. The driver knew the bartenders well enough and had secured a drink for himself easily enough, but the rest of the group had been left to fend for themselves. The two bartenders on hand were both male and clearly more pressed with serving the gaggle of girls waiting. It wasn’t until a female bartender reemerged from the back that they received any service.
They threw back their shots and chugged their beers. He wasn’t quite drunk yet, but he was beginning to feel the effects of his libations on the walk back to the cart. The three broken seats filled up quickly and Killian was once again forced to pedal for his life as Robin took his turn in handing out drinks to all of the men.
The next bar was luckily just at the opposite end of the block and only took about two minutes to arrive at. The White Rabbit. Killian had been there once before in his sophomore year, but that had been the night he’d met Milah. He’d taken so many shots to build up the courage to talk to her that he’d actually blacked out later on, waking up the next day back in his bathroom huddled naked in the bathtub. It had taken three more meetings before Milah had even given him the time of day after that. He should have known then how fickle her love could be.
Bad memories of all of their fights flooded through his head and he wasted no time in ordered a double rum, throwing it back and then ordering another.
“I heard she got kicked out.”
Killian’s head snapped up to meet Arthur King’s eyes.
“You were with Milah, right?”
“Aye.”
Arthur had always seemed like a good enough guy based on the little Killian knew about him, if not a little pompous. But David had vouched for him.
“I know what happened with you two. Dave told me.”
“And what of it?”
“I just thought it might help you to know she got kicked out of school last week.”
Killian’s brow rose as he took in Arthur’s words.
“Ya, she uh, wasn’t doing too well in Dr. Hopper’s class and she tried to offer him the same deal she gave Gold.”
He couldn’t help the way the laugh barked out of him at the image of Milah attempted to seduce an ethics professor. It shouldn’t have given him the pleasure it did, knowing that Milah had been kicked out of school so close to graduation, but a part of him felt pleased. Arthur walked away to rejoin David as Killian sat at the bar smiling.
The third bar was called Pub Parliament, in what most would think as a call back to British culture, but in actuality the place was anything but. It was filled with girls grinding to dirty music that left your eardrums crying for days. Killian had been ready to leave the moment they stepped inside, not even bothering to grab a drink. He was already pleasantly tippsy from the previous bars and from Arthur’s revelation. He just wanted to move on before his mood could be spoiled.
But then he caught a glimpse of golden tresses again, swaying in the crowd on the dance floor and his legs compelled him to move closer. As she jumped up and down to the music, her hair rose and fell like like the sun rising and setting each day. And then she turned around, catching his gaze with her stunning green eyes and Killian melted. It was her, his coffee house goddess.
He smiled, giving her the goofiest grin his could manage thanks to all ot the alcohol in his system. And then his bliss was over thanks to Victor and Victor’s raging hormones.
“Oh gentlemen, what do we have here? Has the universe seen fit to smile upon us?”
The group of guys all rushed towards the woman as Killian stood back, his view of her blocked. Aggravated once more, Killian made his way to the bar to order a shot of tequila. Not his favorite by any means but he needed something with a kick if he was going to have to hear about how some girl’s ass felt pressed against Victor’s crotch while they danced. Especially if that girl was the one he’d been fawning over all day.
He felt a warm body crash into his at the bar and was just about to tell them off but then it spoke up with an angelic voice.
“Make that two.”
She gave him a wry grin, one that rivaled the most stunning of sights.
“Emma.”
“Killian.”
He couldn’t stop smiling.
“Killian, huh? That’s not one you hear every day.”
“No, I, uh, guess not.”
God, he was a fool.
The bartender returned with their shots.
“So what’s up with the big guys night out?”
Kilian tilted his head questioningly at her.
“Well normally when guys go out, it’s just two or three of them. I guess it’s easier to score that way or something.” She’d leaned considerably closer as she spoke above the music on the dance floor. “But there's got to be at least ten of you out here, so what is it? Bachelor party?”
Killian nearly choked at the idea of any of the guys he was with getting married. Aside from David’s brief relationship with Kathryn freshman year, not of them had ever been in a serious relationship has far as he’d known.
“No. It’s one of the guys birthday. Or it was two weeks ago but with finals we’re just not getting around to celebrating.”
“Good to know.”
Killian was vexed by the entire conversation. She wasn’t flirty with him, that much he’d determined, but she seemed content to linger with him by the bar.
“Would you like another drink?”
She looked back to the wall of alcohol and shook her head instead.
“No, I should probably get back to my friends.”
“Ah,” disappointment seeping into every bit of his being. “And what are you fine ladies celebrating?”
“Bachelorette party.”
Killian’s eyes widened as he looked down to both of her hands, praying not to find a ring there. He wasn’t sure if he could handle the idea of her already being taken.
“My friend Anna just got engaged.”
He followed her line of sight, seeing a young girl with two braids dancing around with another girl.
“She’s so young though.”
He hadn’t even meant to say it out loud, but Emma just giggled.
“Don’t worry. It won’t last. This is her second engagement this year.”
When Killian looked back he noticed that the group of girls was much closer that time, walking towards him.
“Emma!” one of them screamed. “It’s time to blow this popsicle stand!”
Emma shook her head at her friend.
“Guess I’ll see you around, Jones.”
Killian turned and watched her leave, too awestruck the realize he he hadn’t even asked for her phone number or last name even. Too dumbstruck to realize she’d used his last name. She turned at the door and gave him a wink before slipping outside.
He was fucked.
Turning around he ordered one more shot and downed it immediately before finding the rest of the guys still on the dance floor.
u should never sing a song lyric incorrectly around @homocidalcrocodile bcuz she will Post about it every 6 months or so for eight years after the fact. No Handlebars is a perfectly average song but I’ll never be able to move on past “me and my friends are platypus” thanks to her
