Summary: On stormy winter nights, tangled beneath hello kitty blankets and stolen glances, you and Nick have built something complicated...something that feels dangerously close to love. But in the cold light of day, you're just friends with rules you both regret.
Content Warning : use of the word 'slut', alcohol mentioned (weed implied), angst
wc: 4383
Night times were the best part of your day. When the storming rain hits your roof and window with that soothing, constant familiar sound as you lay cuddled up with Nick. The heat of his body against yours, almost enough to shield you from the cold London winters. You get a blanket for safe measure. The only light emits from your tv on the wall across from your bed.
You force him to watch reruns of Grey's Anatomy, he swears he hates it but can't wait to watch it every night. Your limbs tangle together under the safety of the blanket, chest rising and falling at a comfortable pace. Your head is laid peacefully on his chest, his heartbeat a quiet lull in your ear. He smells of aftershave and cologne, your favorite scents mixed into something that's uniquely him. You breathe in deeply, hoping the scent would linger in your lungs, your clothes, your hair, your sheets…
His thumb rubs lazily on your hip bone, warming you up from the inside as his calloused finger grazes your skin just above the waistband of your underwear. The small act alone ignites a sort of heat you can’t get from someone else. It’s rarely such a calm night for the two of you. Usually he can't keep his hands off of you, no place on your body untouched and no moments wasted before your garments go flying and you find yourself in utter bliss.
“Is it just me, or is he kinda gaslighty” Nick murmurs into your hair, bringing his hand up to stroke it, slowly running his fingers along your scalp sending shivers through you. The heat of his thumb on your hip evaporates rapidly, leaving you naked to the prickling cold that nips at your skin.
“Right? Just cause he gave up his job at the white house for her” you scoff, annoyed at the Derek Shepard drama. He treated Meredith terribly after the first few seasons and that's a hill you’re willing to die on. Mcdreamy? More like Mcmanipulator.
“You know I put mum onto this show” Nick chuckles softly, his chest rumbling with the sound, vibrating slightly under your cheek.
“Really?” You giggle, shifting slightly in his arms, your legs hot under the hello kitty blanket.
“Yeah, she loves it, begs me to watch it with her” He continues stroking your head and you’re afraid you might fall asleep before the nights over.
“You secretly love it too, admit it” you tease, smiling up at him. You reach your hand up to play with the silver necklace that’s found its home around his neck. The silver is cold against your hand but the warmth of his neck warms the tips of your fingers.
“Never” he shakes his head, lips curing into an easy smile, pink and full. His dimples shine under the light of the tv and you find yourself caressing his jawline with your thumb, slowly. He looks down at you, eyelids drooped, his eyelashes long and lushes, something you’re insanely jealous of. He takes your hand in his, warming them as he places a quick, yet gentle kiss on your knuckles.
You suck in a deep breath, the feeling of his lips brushing against your skin feels like a reward, a gift you’ve been wanting, begging for. You pray he can’t feel the way your heart is racing in your chest. His eyes are always on yours, electric, big and warm with flecks of hazel, intense..overwhelmingly so.
You tear your eyes away from his, flickering down to his lips, perfectly full and shaped to fit yours exactly. Like they were formed with you in mind and no one else. You always find yourself wondering what it would be like to actually kiss him.
“She really likes you, you know, keeps asking when you’ll visit again.” You don't linger no matter how much you want to. You're tempted to lean upward and press your lips against his…but you have rules. Stupid rules which say you’re not allowed to kiss each other on the lips. You were so stupid when you agreed to it, something about it being too intimate for a situation started out of pure boredom.
“That’s so sweet” you only half smile before turning your attention back to the tv. Tiny butterflies fill your chest knowing that his mum likes you. It’s a small victory after all the overthinking and nerves that threatened to overthrow you, drown you and swallow you whole.
“Maddie too” he says.
You don't say anything..you can't. You remember how nervous you felt when you first met them. Your stomach flipped, your palms were sweaty and you couldn't seem to form your words properly. You wanted them to like you, you needed them to like you. But when Nick introduced you as his friend, all of that overthinking went out the window. It was like a wake up call for you and for your own sanity you decided to just let things be. If they liked you, that's great..if they didn't, it wouldn't really matter because you didn't really matter to Nick in that way.
But they do like you and now you can't stop the crushing feeling of loss and grief that covers you and holds you tight at the throat. This thing with Nick? This feeling of warmth and comfort? It’s only for the night. Every time he leaves at 2 am sharp, you’re right back to feeling that overwhelming sense of loneliness.
So did it matter that they liked you? Of course it did, but could you handle getting close to them knowing you and Nick won’t last?
No, of course not.
So when Nick asks you if you’re wanting to join him the next time he goes to see them, you swallow the lump in your throat and give a noncommittal “we’ll see”
-
You haven't seen Nick in 2 days, so when you do, it’s at your weekly hangout at Jenna’s, your heart dances in your chest. Your eyes meet his from across the room the minute he steps in, Noah trailing not too far behind.
Your body aches, wanting to reach out to him and hug him, cuddle him.. run your hands through his hair while he rubs your back. One thing you’ve learnt from this friends with benefits agreement was that Nick is a very affectionate person, his body craves yours like a magnet in close proximity.
But that Nick is confined to the light grey walls of your bedroom.
His eyes doesn't linger on yours, looking away as soon as they meet. You heart sinks and you try not to take it personally. You’re seated on the couch as Noah comes over to hug you before taking a seat next to you, the couch sinking under her weight. Her fresh floral scent fills your nose and you get a whiff of her mango scented shampoo as well.
“You guys started without us” Noah pouts, noticing the array of board games and popcorn scattered on the coffee table. Game night is the only night you guys spend indoors, beside the usual clubbing, house parties, races and bare knuckle fights. It’s something you enjoy, something you look forward to.
“You know we always start at 9” you answer before taking a sip from your cold, sweating beer. Nick and Lion take their usual seats across from you, on the opposite couches, Zach and Jenna walk in with more snacks, Zach already chewing on some pizza greasing the corners of his mouth.
The warm aroma of the pepperoni pizza fills the air, steaming up the table as she places the box in the middle. Your mouth waters at the sight of the cheesy goodness in front of you.
“Oi Nick,Noah..you're late” Jenna says, giving them each a beer from the cooler nearby. The soft r&b playlist hums in the background, a white noise.
“Sorry, had to kick Noah out of my closet again” Nick rolls his eyes, adjusting in his seat before bringing the beer to his lips. His gaze settles on you again. You don't give him any of your attention, you don't want to but you feel the burn of his eyes boring into the side of your head, awaking every cell in your body.
“Excuse me, I asked if I could borrow ONE hoodie” Noah emphasizes, defending herself with wild hands.
“Yeah ONE hoodie, not have a whole try on haul” he retaliates sitting up on the couch.
“Well, you should have been specific when you said yes” Noah shrugs her shoulders.
“I didn't even say yes”
Your stomach twists at how casual he is, like his whole being isn’t screaming for you, the way yours is for him. He’s so close yet so far. You drown out the sound of their back and forth, banter and cheeky quips.
“Lion, what time did your friend say he’s coming?” Jenna asks as she sits on the arm of the couch. Her braids in a huge bun on her head, cleared from her shoulders and face. Her brown skin glows under the dim lighting, clear and sparkly with eyeshadow on her eyelids.
“Should be here soon” he checks his watch.
“Friend? Do we know him” Zach questions, looking up from the pizza for the first time. He’s definitely stoned, his eyes red and hazed. He’s almost finished half the pizza.
“No but he knows you” Lion points to you and you're instantly intrigued, brows raising, heart skipping unexpectedly.
“Me?” You ask just as the knock on the door sounds over the music.
The minute he walks in you immediately recognize that daring smirk and icy blue eyes. His face is a little older now, a five o clock shadow adorning his sharp jawline. His beach blonde curls are messy on top of his head. He’s dressed in a black t-shirt and some jeans.
“Caleb? What the hell are you doing here?” you smile widely, shocked, laughing at the coincidence. You get up to give him a quick hug. He hugs you back, bending slightly, pulling you close. He smells exactly as he did when he was 15 years old. Old spice and coffee..some things never change.
“I could ask you the same thing” he chuckles, pulling away as you sit back down.
Jenna goes around introducing everyone and offers him a beer. Caleb takes a seat next to you, getting comfortable. You’re smiling so hard, your cheeks hurt. You didn't know how much you missed him until you saw him again. It’s comforting in a way, the way he smiles is nostalgic, bringing back old memories of you two sneaking out to parties and then getting caught right as you’re about to make it out of your bedroom window.
“So how do you two know each other?” Nick speaks up for the first time since Caleb arrived. His eyes are narrowed, sharp and almost accusing as he questions him. His jaw clenches and the grip on his beer tightens. You swallow hard.
“Been friends since forever, our dads used to work together” he smiles, placing a hand on your leg as he speaks. Nick’s eyes are laser focused. Your stomach starts churning, nerves bubbling up like they usually do whenever you know things are about to get uncomfortable.
“Funny, our dads work together too” he says dryly.
“So funny” Noah deadpans, shooting Nick a glare.
“Anyways, what brings you here Caleb?’ Noah asks with a friendly smile.
“Art school actually. Met Lion at the races and that's when I saw Y/n again”
As the night goes on, you spend some time catching up and cracking jokes with the group. Jenna suggests a game of spin the bottle, making it clear that there's no feelings involved and unsurprisingly Lion has no problem with it.
You're kind of nervous and excited at the same time, you’re not good at the no feelings involved concept. Clearly.
You’re a bit tipsy, giggly, face flushed as you all sit in a circle on the floor, an empty beer bottle in the middle to decide your fate. Your body is warm with the alcohol coursing through your veins and your heart races in your chest at the possibility of kissing Nick, even if it’s just a game.
You’re up first, your fingers almost tremble with anticipation as you spin the bottle, saying a little prayer in your head. The bottle lands on Caleb and your heart sinks to the bottom of your feet.Out of the corner of your eye you notice the way Nick tenses up, his body rigid under the dim lights. You don't look at him, you can't, not with everyone’s eyes on you.
You chuckle nervously, rubbing your hands on your jeans, watching as Caleb smiles, grinning that boyish grin of his. His eyes are so electric blue it's almost shocking to look at him. His lips are pink, a little thin and uneven with a light moustache above his top lip.
Nothing like Nick at all.
The group cheers loudly, chanting and teasing before you and Caleb meet halfway in the circle, lips touching briefly. It’s nice,quick, nothing like you’ve imagined but nice. You feel a pang of guilt when you pull away, you manage a smile anyway, your cheeks hot with embarrassment.
After a few more rounds of cheekiness, the bottle doesn't land on you again. Nick taps out after the second round, having had to kiss Zach wasn't as appealing to him. Feeling parched you excuse yourself to the kitchen for a glass of water.
It’s much quieter in the kitchen, the black and white walls drowning out the sound of drunken laughter and music. The sound of running water fills the quiet and you take a moment to gather your thoughts. You smile to yourself, humming to the words of the music. It was good to see Caleb again.
“You let him kiss you” the wet glass almost slips through your fingers, startled by the sudden interruption. The words are so quiet yet so loud in your head, booming from every angle, almost accusing.
“It’s just a game” You attempt to justify your actions but the sound of his voice, the look of betrayal in his eyes makes your chest close, the guilt clawing at you with an iron fist, beating you up from the inside. You don't need to explain yourself to him and yet here you are.
“Right..just a game” Nick nods his head, slowly almost trying to convince himself, convince you.
“Look-” You’re ready to tell him off but he beats you to it.
“You look good together…comfortable” He stands with his hands folded across his chest, leaning against the cabinets. His jean clad legs are crossed, one ankle over the other as his eyes pierce through your skin, like a father to his young daughter. His eyes are cold and distant, not something you’re used to.
“He’s my friend” you swallow under the weight of his gaze.The tension in the air is so heavy it almost hurts to breathe as it presses down on your chest.
“Does he know what a slut you are?” His words knock the wind out of your chest, piercing through your heart like an arrow, except he’s not cupid. You breathe in sharply, your hands tremble and you're immediately sober. You watch him for a beat, hoping that he’d take it back, apologize and say he didn't mean it, but he doesn't say anything further.
You struggle to find the words to say, your brain scrambling to do anything but cry.
“Fuck you Nick” you say through the lump in your throat and hot tears that barely have time to sink into your skin. You bring your lower lip between your teeth, clenching your fist, your nails digging into your skin to keep you from crying.
-
Your bed sheets don't smell like him anymore, neither does the hoodie he left. It feels like an ancient relic gathering dust in the corner of your room. A testament to how long it’s been since he’s been there. It taunts you with a familiarity that you don't wanna remember but can’t seem to forget.
It's cold without him next to you. The bed doesn't feel the same and watching Grey’s anatomy just brings the unwanted stinging of hot tears behind your eyes.
You don't see Nick for a while and maybe it's a good thing. Days turned into weeks and now you don't even see him at all. You try to convince yourself that it’s for the best, you knew it was just temporary between you two. So why does it feel like you lost a part of yourself to him?
Why does it feel like time is slowing down and you're just waiting for him to knock on your door with your favorite donuts or flowers. It’s like a moment in time forever frozen in this constant state of sadness and shame that’s not yours to carry but you do it anyway.
You’ve only ever broken up with 2 other guys so why does this feel like the worst break up…you weren't even dating. You were nothing but a convenient arrangement to each other. A concept that's all too familiar in your brain but your heart never stood a chance.
It’s 2 am and you’re scrolling on Instagram when his name pops up. Your heart jumps at the unexpected notification. You see that he’s tagged in a photo.
He’s at a party with Anna.
They look cosy, her in his lap and him with a drink in his hand, not the usual beer but it looks like a glass of whiskey. She’s smiling, her teeth on display while he just sits there with an unreadable expression, his eyes void of any emotion, cold and unpresent in the moment.
You don't know where the surge of pettiness came from but the green monster battles the ugly sadness you feel in your chest and wins. You quickly like the post and comment a cheeky “Cute”.
Immediately your phone rings, his name popping up above the picture. Your heart races in your chest, your pulse heavy in your temples. You debate on whether or not to answer but before it goes to voicemail you press accept. Your heart longs to hear his voice, yearns for just a little dose of your usual fix.
“Can I come over?” he asks after a pregnant pause, neither of you speaking, just listening to each other breathing.
You don't know if you’re ready to see him so soon, especially after he said what he did.
“I don't wanna see you Nick” you whisper, almost as if saying it aloud is wrong, unnatural.
“Please?” he pleads with you.
“Okay” you relent hanging up the phone before you change your mind.
You let out a deep breath.
What are you doing Y/n?
You lay flat on your back, looking at the white ceiling. You sigh. You don't know why you agreed to let him come over but you can't be stuck in this constant cycle of wondering how different things would be if you just spoke to each other, be mature about it.
He arrives 10 minutes later, climbing through your window with practiced ease and finesse. You don't say anything when he stands across the room, hesitant and slightly awkward. He usually has a lot to say, but not this time.
“Tongue tied?” You tease, sitting with your legs crossed on your bed. You’re still mad at him.
“Yes, I don't know where to start” he runs a hand over his face. He looks tired. He has a new bruise under his eye and his knuckles are bruised as well. It doesn't take a genius to know he went fighting again. He decides to take a seat on your desk chair, creating some distance between you two.
“How about an apology?” you roll your eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn't mean what I said…I was pissed” he confesses with a heavy sigh. You wanna reach out and hold him, your hands itch with the thought. He sits bent over with his elbows on his thighs.
“About what? Caleb? That we played a stupid game..you know it didn't mean anything-” You shouldn't have to defend yourself to him but you do..you do because you want him to care, you want him to be bothered by it. Kissing Caleb felt unnatural, like a mismatched puzzle piece being shoved into your frayed edges. He felt so ordinary and bland, even though you’ve known him your whole life, you thought you knew what to expect. You’ve thought about kissing Caleb since you were 15.
But you don't want ordinary, you want Nick Leister.
“He kissed you Y/N.” he says with so much conviction in his voice it hurts.It hurts to look at him and see such an intense shade of grey, a storm cloud brewing in his eyes, clouding them.
“What are you really mad about? That I kissed him or because you were too much of a coward to kiss me yourself?” You’re fed up with the entire situation at this point. The secrets, the glances, the indifference when you’re around your friends…all of it. Your heart is racing, blood rushing through your veins, heating you up.
“How was I supposed to know you wanted me to kiss you?” he stands up abruptly and you’re forced to look up at him, getting on your sock clad feet as well. He stands like a gloomy tower, shielding you, hiding you.
“Hmm gee, I don't know, maybe when we were laid up in this room the other night? You pride yourself on ‘knowing women’ and yet you can't tell when a girl wants you to kiss her!” You mock him, with crossed arms. You don’t wanna beat around the bush anymore. The words spill out without a second thought, heated and annoyed.
“Maybe I want you to say it. If you want me to kiss you then just say it because I’m not afraid to admit that I want to do more than just kiss you all the time Y/n” He bursts out, taking a step closer, invading your space and you forget to breathe, his words a bounce from wall to wall in your chest, vibrating melodies against your ribcage.
“I don't want you to just kiss me” you find your voice in a whisper, barely there and shaky. Your hands are clammy and the butterflies perform somersaults in your belly. His scent is almost too overwhelming..he’s everywhere yet not close enough, you wonder if he can see the pounding of your heart in your neck, pulse racing.
“I was stupid to think I could do this whole friends with benefits thing with you and not fall in love with you after the first night”
“What?” let out an unsteady breath.
“It took seeing you with another guy, to realise how much of myself I’d lose if you broke this off” His voice is raw, eyes glassy and sincere. You’ve never known him to ever be this emotional, this vulnerable and open about his feelings.
“Nick-”
“From the moment I met you I wanted you. I wanted to know everything there was to know but I wasn't ready for you. I knew I wasn't the best guy for you but I’m working on it..I just need to know that you want this..because I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted”
“I do” you breathe out, the words rushing from your heart before you can stop them.
He lets out a shaky laugh, his shoulders relaxing for the first time tonight.
"Good" he says. "Because it would be really awkward if I said all that and you didn’t."
You grin, warmth flooding your chest. "Right?"
A glint of mischief flashes in his eyes as he takes a slow step closer. "So basically, I'm asking you to pick me... choose me... love me" he teases, quoting Grey’s Anatomy, a soft smile tugging at his lips.
You roll your eyes, fighting a laugh. "Shut up and kiss me, you jerk."
Nick didn't need to be told a second time before he closes the gap between you two. His warm hand finds the side of your face, leaning into you like you’re the last thing he’ll ever feel. His lips brush against yours, teasing before he presses into you.
You gasped softly against his mouth, the way his lips move with yours, his tongue exploring every inch of your mouth like he’s familiar with the path. He tastes of whiskey, pulling you flush against him as you wrap your arms around his shoulders, breathing him in. His body, warm, solid, grounding you even as the room tilts around you, making it hard to tell where you end and he begins.
For a minute you’re floating, the earth tilting on its axis. You kiss him until you feel dizzy, lips moving in sync, hungry and starved. Your body craves him more than you need air. Every cell in your body awakens at the feeling of his lips on yours, celebrating, crying tears of joy.
“You like meeee” Nick murmurs, smiling against our lips. You giggle at the exact moment he’s chosen to tease you. You give him one last peck before pulling away, breaths coming in short bursts, bringing your hands up to cup both sides of face, squishing his hot cheeks slightly.
He smiles down at you, eyes gleaming with specks of joy, relief and something you know all too well. “I love you” you breathe out, your words are shaky, almost as if to test them, watching as his breath hitches in his throat.
You realize you never said it back earlier and there's not a moment that you’ll ever let him forget how much he means to you. If you love someone, you tell them. You tell them so they never forget that they mean something to someone.
Nick Leister looks at you like you hung the moon in the sky, like you’ve created a galaxy full of stars and none shines brighter than you.
