#nonbiomom

[ace-we-to-3]

Family

On the left we have my beautiful wife and on the right we have our friend and Donor R. When we asked R for helping making our WE into three we all sat down at our local drinking hole and went over what life would look like. It started with the basic question how far does R want to be involved and where we see the boundaries. For me I was on and off the fence about using a known Donor. Only for my selfish gain was I on the fence. When I say selfish gain I mean when a person(s) uses a sperm bank they do have the option for the child convinced to contact the donor at the age of eighteen, other option is to have a unknown donor and no contact is available. So why on the fence? I want to live in this world where I am the mom and B is the mom and those are the only two factors. science needs to speed up for my wants. Like in other post I have mentioned that my father left me at the age of three and growing up I wanted to know the other half of me, I felt like part of me was missing even though I was raised by a wonderful mother and loved endlessly I questioned why I did certain things and acted a certain way. That is what made me agree to use our friend. I want baby H to have access and a connection to both sides of her DNA makeup  because at the end of the day motherhood is about but my child's needs over my mine. I still struggle every few days. I have a round of fear that baby H won’t love me or when she finds out R is her other half i’ll be left in the dust but these fears aren’t meant for my child’s ears because I am the mother I am loved and I feel a strong connection already. B tells me when I get loud and laugh or talk baby H starts to move more. When B is asleep I talk to H and pat and rub her and sometimes B will start laughing in her sleep saying H is moving alot. 

So the end of this ramble we told R that we would like to see him come to birthdays and Easter egg hunts but major family holidays are just meant for us and he has access as much as a family friend that we call aunt or uncle. He agreed and thanked us for choosing him he felt honored.  

For me I want to see Baby H be loved by everyone, I want her to have so many strong women and men to show her about life and influence her. I want her to have access to the world and family she has in it. I have to keep remembering just because someone is a part of her life doesn’t deplete my role as her mother.

[ace-we-to-3]

Knowing our donor and finding out.

B wanted to have a known donor and I didn’t I wanted donor 23467, okay I didn’t know the number but that’s what I thought I wanted someone so far away out of sight out of mind. B asked me how I felt not knowing the other part of my DNA makeup and I understood what she was trying to say. So we settled on the idea of using someone we knew. That was the problem... we didn’t know anyone who we felt looked enough like me or had a similar personality. We weren’t married yet and wedding planning hadn’t even commenced so it was placed on hold. I started a new job and I started a friendship and the more I hung out with him and the we talked the more in depth our conversations would go. About two months later I knew this man was the one i would be Okay with knowing forever, someone who could help me and B have a family. I set up a date for them both to meet and neither knew what my plan was and just like I had hoped we all just clicked. On the way home from the bar I asked B what she thought and she said he was nice and funny like me. I said, “I would like to use him to start our family”. She agreed and two months later we sat down with him. Asked questions and answered questions and he told us he would get back to us and a week later he just walked by me and said he’ll do it. Months after that after our mini-honeymoon B was ovulating and he came over after work and we laughed and joked and for the next two days he could come to our house.

I have to say I knew the moment I inseminated my wife on the second night I just looked at her and said this was the one, we’re pregnant she laughed at me and told me I was crazy. We did the two week wait and everyday I let her know she was growing my baby. The day of when her period should start I was at work and she was home and she peed on a stick and in disbelief she texted me a picture. I showed almost everyone and they kept confirming B was pregnant so for the final confirmation I texted the picture to my mom and she asked who was pregnant. I called her and said, “we are grandma”. We both screamed and I had to quickly hang up to go back to work. I walked past R and I told him and he couldn’t believe it. Congratulated me and we finished our shifts with smiles and giggles.

However, not was it the best day of my life even though I was just married less than 3 weeks before. I was already so protective. I knew R was happy for me but I couldn’t help but feel like there was a motive other than to help his friends out.

Since day one I’ve been protective of baby H and our bond.

[ace-we-to-3]

[ace-we-to-3]

Becoming a mom

Hey I’m Ace and my wife is B.

We have been married as long as we’ve been pregnant. We are expecting our first child this February. I wanted to blog to give a view of how being the Non-biological mother, non-carrying, parent can be.

A little back story I met B when I was 19 and we were madly in love and due to drugs, sex and indie rock our relationship didn’t last. Both of us moving on and being in unsatisfying relationships be bumped and fumbled through life around my late-twenties I got my life together and called B up and we went to dinner and well, here I am writing about being married and B carrying our first child.

With most couples they dream up a future and if children are a goal. That was similar to B and I we both agreed on children and started the journey on how to start our family. With all the love in the world and sex involved in a lesbian relationship we still needed one special ingredient. We searched options and settled on the idea and goal of using a known donor( our friend) R.

Most of this journey I’ll be documenting will be about my feelings and struggles. I promise it won’t all be sad or scary.

[1stsecondthird]

1st shot

Had our first IUI three days ago. It went really well and was much less awful than I thought it was going to be. Our nurse was kind and practically bored by the procedure. She was totally unfazed that I was there for the insemination. But even at the fertility clinic, everyone appeared to be a straight couple working through infertility. Can’t imagine how this must have felt 10 or 20 years ago. At least no one gave us a second glance.

Anyone else grappling with how unfair it is to have to be at the mercy of other people during this process? I caught myself feeling happy at how nice everyone at the clinic was, but then had a horrible kickback feeling of how vulnerable it feels to be relying on the kindness of strangers for something so hugely personal.

[1stsecondthird]

Intro and hello

Hi everyone, glad you found your way here. 

Not a writer but decided to start a blog because my fiancee and I are starting the pregnancy process and whoa boy, it’s a lot, and even more whoa boy there are almost no resources for non-bio moms. Like, what the hell? It’s not like this is a new experience for people.

[mommymk]

What makes a mom?

A mom wakes up with you when you're sick. She teaches you to put on eye shadow, and even lets you wear some for a special occasion. She's the person who teaches you how to plant in the garden. The one who loves you unconditionally. A mom wipes your tears and bandages your knee when you scrape it. A mom knows she is imperfect, but does her best to make your childhood magical. A mom is there when you need to talk....about anything. A mom teaches you how to shop. How to buy smart, and let's you earn an allowance so you can understand what things cost, and how saving your money and purchasing that thing you really want is gratifying when you use your money. A mom will stop folding laundry so you can cuddle with her, she knows these moments are treasures. A mom is filled with joy when you succeed. A mom encourages you to do your best, and comforts you when you don't make the team. A mom opens your eyes to the world of books, she takes you to the library to discover how big the world is. A mom teaches you what it means to be a lady. She shows you how important it is to respect yourself. Being a mom has nothing to do with biology. Moms are born everyday, through many different ways. Through birth, marriage, adoption, and through the love that is like no other love. A mother's love is strong, true, unconditional, and perfectly imperfect. A mother's love causes her to always put her family first. To never have the luxury of using the bathroom in peace, and to give up her last bite of cookie just so you can have it. To be the last one to sit down to eat dinner, and be happy just to be with her family. I became a mother in the blink of an eye. I was so afraid I was going to make damaging mistakes. I was afraid I would not know how to relate to this little person. But, the truth is, once I opened my heart up to the idea of being Brynn's mommy MK, it was the most natural thing I have ever experienced. I found out that I have a lot more love in my heart than I ever thought. And each day, as time marches on, the love I have for that little girl continues to grow. It is a mystery to me how this all works, but it does, it really does. A mother's love has nothing to do with giving birth. It's all about unconditionally loving a little person, and opening up your heart to all of the magic that goes hand in hand with letting your little person love you back. There is nothing that compares to it!