Proship/comship/darkfic/neutral DNI!! This post is NOT for you. Stay out of my blog
To note: this is for fun! I've seen a lot of people confused by their own feelings of ickiness/jealousy/discomfort when it comes to nonsharing, so I thought diving into it might help people feel better about how they feel! And also to help explain to those who aren't Nonsharers where the feelings come from. I may make a sequel post to this tying in ficto identities, depending.
Disclaimer: I am not a scientist, professional, or in any way a beacon of all-knowing truth or complete fact. This dissection is largely based off of my own feelings as a Nonsharer to some F/Os myself, and my personal understanding of the matter. I apologize if it doesn't make complete sense, but if it doesn't fit your experience, keep in mind that these things tend to be a complex topic that cannot be narrowed down into one post or theory, because every Nonsharer is different. I'm just attempting to maybe help a few people understand it a bit better.
Ramblings under the cut:
Now: where does nonsharing come from? To be simplistic, it stems from affection. To understand why someone would be unwilling to share their F/Os, you'd have to understand the science behind affection itself, and sometimes jealousy as well. Firstly though, remember that they're both complex emotions. Emotions themself are complicated, but love especially, as it can come in several different forms and for several different reasons. And everyone experiences it differently. There's entire extensive articles and studies you could look into about love and how it works, but let's be honest: it hardly ever makes sense.
How does this tie back? Well, when you're very close to someone, it's natural to want to protect them. It goes into every relationship, even animals experience it. Platonically, familially, romantically, every version of deep affection carries a desire to protect. I won't keep dancing around the explanations, so the easiest way to put it is everyone experiences that protective instinct differently. And sometimes it can be really intense, just as well as it can be minimal. Hence, nonsharing.
Now I know how that sounds, so let me specify: this does not mean Nonsharers see others as a threat or something to guard against. It just means they naturally feel how others do, in a more intense way. That's why it may make you feel uncomfortable to see someone else with your F/O. Because that's your partner, and it's a very natural emotion to want to keep your partner close. But, and this is where jealousy comes in— you gotta be respectful.
Just because it's normal to feel protective of a partner doesn't give anyone the right to harass or antagonize people with the same F/O. Remember— though your love for your F/O is real and extremely valid, you cannot stuff them in a box and let no one else see them ever. They're from free and open media. I know that may sound a little harsh, but you have to be reasonable here. Do not ever harass or bully someone just because they share an F/O you don't wanna share. This is why we have the block button. It's 110% okay to set up a "doubles DNI" rule or block whoever makes you uncomfortable. This is your online experience after all! I'm merely saying no one should shove their ideas onto someone else and judge them accordingly.
This goes for Sharers, too. You're not "better" than someone who doesn't share F/Os. I've seen way too many super aggressive anons and backhanded posts in this community about Nonsharers. Just because you personally don't understand it, or you don't feel upset with someone else selfshipping with a character you like, doesn't mean Nonsharers are any less valid.
There is no excuse for trying to harm a Nonsharer just because they don't share. Any time that's said, the most common response I see is "but sometimes they're toxic!". Guess what? Sharers can be toxic as hell too. Especially when picking on people in their own community over a preference. Just because SOME of them can be rude and damaging doesn't mean you can suddenly act like everyone who doesn't share an F/O is the same bad egg. Yes this goes in vice versa too. But Sharers are particularly prone to picking on Nonsharers more than the other way around in my experience, so yes it is important for me to hammer this point home for so long.
But back on track: you may be wondering— "okay, so you said not wanting to share comes from natural feelings of affection. But why do some people have it more intense than others?". Simple answer is, everyone is different. Yes I know that sounds lame and cheesy, but in several scientific aspects, it's true! There's not always an exact reason why something is different for some than others. It's just how things are. Expecting everyone to conform to one idea is unrealistic. Expecting everyone to experience something the same is unrealistic. As stated before: just because your experience is different, doesn't make anyone else's lesser.
So now that I've established where it may come from and what that means, let's get a little more into how to handle it. Lemme make this abundantly clear— whether you share or not, your relationship with your F/O(s) is valid. Because it is your own unique perception of them, it will always be wholly yours. Your feelings being as strong as they are is proof that it's real. And even if you don't feel them that strongly, considering a character an F/O at all is a testament to genuine care. So what do you do when you care for them so much that seeing other people express care for them is harmful to you?
As I mentioned before— the age old block method is always a good one. If you don't want to see someone's content, you can always use the button that let's you not ever see it again. Don't worry, it doesn't make you "sensitive", "a baby", or anything negative. The function exists for a reason, and if it helps your mental health, absolutely go for it! Your wellbeing is always important above all else.
But if you're like me, you may still feel bad after the block, simply because seeing the content in it of itself was distressing. Unfortunately, there's no single solution to that. I know it's not helpful to read that, but it is true. The best advice I can think to give is find a way to really connect with your F/O. If you can find something that establishes a strong sense of connection, it could be comforting to revisit it whenever you're feeling down. A plush, drawing, song, scent, item, anything like that which you can relate to your beloved. Indulge in it when you're feeling down, and remember: they do love you, your feelings are valid, and as long as you're not hurting yourself or others, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not sharing.
If that doesn't help, try and find what works for you! Remember that your F/O would comfort, love, and support you no matter what. And there is no "this is true for me and no one else" in this community. Everyone is deserving of love. Cope however you need to, but remember that at the end of the day it's never right to take your feelings out on someone else and tear others down over something harmless. In your universe with your F/O, your love is endless and solely yours, but everyone is allowed their own pocket of comfort.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright, that's all! I hope this comes across clearly, but a reminder just in case: this is not a professional report, objective fact, or statements that is meant to try and say everyone experiences this. This is a theory from someone who is partially nonsharing attempting to make a connection as to why these things occur, as well as some general good PSAs. If this doesn't match your experience, remember that everyone feels these feelings uniquely, and yours are totally normal and valid. This isn't meant to be a perfect explanation, merely a guess that might help it make some sense to those who don't understand it. As I've stated countless times, no matter what, be kind to each other. Harassment is never okay from either side. Thank you for reading
