When you've spent as long escaping your problems as I have, you slowly realize you've outrun nothing. Every flaw I've distracted myself from, every lie I told myself to keep pushing through the day, to keep earning paychecks and in a sense, a modicum of respect, is floating to the surface of my consciousness. I am so aware of how royally fucked I am right now, how neglectful I've been over my duties to provide and acquire income over the past year. I kept telling myself, the unemployment will only last a week, or a month, a couple months, or it's about to end so you better get your shit together, or oh fuck, you no longer have any unemployment benefits and are now certifiably broke. Everything that I've told myself will come hasn't and I only have myself to blame. In a way, I am a coward and I will always be a coward. Every day mundane events that you yawn your way through have me so riled up and anxious that it becomes hard for me to actually enjoy myself doing anything. People want to go out and have fun? Well, too bad I'm nervous over not having money, or not having medicine, or not having anyone in my life that I feel loves me, outside of my family, and even with them, I can tell their patience is starting to wear a little thin. You're almost 30, they tell me. Facebook reminds me of all the children I am not pumping out, all the raises and career paths I haven't opted into, all the housing I won't be buying, all the cars I won't own, and all that other materialistic bullshit that somehow can make you feel empty, whether you have it or not. For awhile I had a loving girlfriend who was so passionate about keeping me honest and making sure I wasn't doing anything sketchy (I wasn't) that she went into my phone and read all my messages, all my emails, anything on snapchat she can find, facebook messenger, and so on until she basically had read every message I had ever sent out. After she did this, after combing through my phone and not finding any infidelities, she did change her attitude towards me permanently. She's a little more cold, a little less reachable, less eager to talk about her feelings and express any kind of emotions towards me other than she's busy or she's tired or both. I get to see my girlfriend if I visit her at work or when she needs to run to the dispensary I used to work at; she'll drive us, she'll even spot me a gram of something to smoke with me before she takes off, and then when she's gone, just like the clouds of smoke we blow out, she evaporates into nothing and I'm left wondering if she was ever there at all. Marijuana culture and the "lifestyle" are not something I would say I fit into; I don't own any Bob Marley shirts or CDs or posters. You won't find 420 or THC or the chemical components of THC tattooed anywhere on my body. I keep my glassware outside at all times, cleaning it every few days. When I get my medicine, I immediately grind it up and put it into a glass container that I store in another airtight container. I don't make a big show of it, I don't dance around like an idiot or interweave fancy joints, blunts, or concentrates to make an even more intricate smoking apparatus. My bowls are packed with a 1/4 teaspoon scooper so I don't get plant matter and residue all over my fingers, hands, and clothes. When I smoke, I smoke half a bowl, maybe less, and then go about my day, maybe taking my dog for a walk or mowing the lawn, some simple, menial housework usually. I don't really enjoy purging on munchies and other fatty foods because I am missing my gallbladder and 9 out 10 meals physically pains me to digest/process, so I prefer to eat less to more, and prefer strains that don't give me the munchies to the one's that do. I can sit here and talk about all the wonderful medicine I've ingested over the past few years and not feel compelled to go and put more in my body; it's fun to just reminisce and remember the good times, i.e. like the time me and my friend James switch beer pong with bowl pong. Then, when the real kickbacks would happen and all the social boozers would come out in their fancy athletic nightwear, me and my associate would be ready to participate in the games, although we would usually lose because a beer buzz is different than a bong buzz. For me, it was so natural to smoke the herb and gain confidence to go out in the world and not be afraid of a panic attack, because panic attacks were just something that happened that I had to deal with, no matter what. Now that I am on a budget induced tolerance break, and all my indecision is catching up with me, I feel like all I can really do is sit here at this computer and type my little fingers off until this situation is right, until I print out the perfect resume and application, or until, god willing, I write something I feel comfortable enough sharing and excited enough to keep on writing it.
I can't control what my girlfriend is doing or how she feels about me, even if I send her messages and don't get any replies. There's nothing I can do about sending out state applications and not getting replies BUT I can send out MORE. Instead of being fearful and hesitant to write because I'm not positive on the way it'll turn out or I don't have the idea fully flushed, why don't I just commit to writing just to write. Not every story has to be a novel and not every word has to be some life changing, mind altering, and inspiring piece of verbiage that scholars and historians will recite, even though I would like for my words to carry weight and mean something. I would like to stand up for all those other disenfranchised folks who feel like their work goes unnoticed, that they slave away to a system without merit and without equality/justice. No one born into this earth deserves to have any easier of a ride just because of who they born into or what country. Happiness, confidence and a feeling of self-worth shouldn't only be relegated to those with money in their pockets. The loudness of my voice shouldn't depend on the depth of my wallet but rather the strength of my vocal chords. If you hear me, it should be because I am louder and outspoken, not because I am paying you to listen to me. But that's where we are today. You only get heard if your shit plays out and fattens someone else's pocket. God forbid you try to change the rigged system to try to help other people who were otherwise marginalized and put down. Before 2008, I wouldn't have a shot at hell at health insurance, with my pre-existing conditions which one doctor once labeled as "anorexic", with a system that treats the symptoms and not the issue, there's no way I would have been able to afford a $250.00 monthly premium, with $25.00 co-pays and only a percentage off of my prescriptions. But the president decides to push forward the health insurance reform, and suddenly I receive health insurance and the right to be seen and treated by doctors even though I can't afford it, and people across the states want to convince you that this is a bad thing, that me receiving free vaccines and preventive health hurts us all in the long run. What kind of bullshit message is that where health is what's secondary but what's in your coffer should be the primary concern, and why is that all of a sudden? Because we're in a global economic crisis in which the rich get richer and more influential while the poor just get crazier and dirtier and more desperate to survive. I was furious when my identity was being stolen and these scumbags in the same city I was living in were trying to take advantage of me for no other reason other than for financial gain. They didn't know me, they didn't care to know me, they just looked at my name and address as a source of income, and you know what, part of me deep down, the pathetic part of me that has taken $10.00 out of my mom's purse so I can get a meal to quiet my starving stomach, or to go to the club and throw down on an eighth that will calm my upset stomach, that part of me empathizes with the fact that there just aren't a lot of options out there for hard working honest folks, because at the end of the day, they're all getting taken advantage of. Their tax dollars going to immigrants who want to raise families in our country but do little to provide anything back, and I'm not saying all immigrants are worthless, I am saying that there is a system to become a citizen that is fair and accessible and many people choose not to go that route simply to stay off the radar and not pay taxes, but then have no problem filing for public assistance when they need it. If the 1% had shared some of their wealth and some of us more level headed folk had influence or sway to do things for these people, there would be a lot less public arguing and a lot more private doing. If there was someone who believe me in along the way, really believed in me, I wouldn't be sitting here on my 45th Monday with no job to go to, no work to work on, and no real goals. My goals are so far away they might as well be for another life time. And yet I've worked and committed myself to sacrificing for the greater good and pitching in when others above me didn't really do the same, and it's the same fucking tune each time: "We really appreciate the help but we just can't afford to keep you on." I'm not asking for a six figure salary. The highest grossing wage I had was fresh out of college at like $1300.00 every other week. After that job laid me off, I bounced, and that paid thirteen an hour. Then I went and sold medicinal cannabis, and that paid me $16.00 an hour. I work working forty hour weeks, maybe more, and they were asking us managers to work overtime after clocking out so we wouldn't get paid for it. At one point, I calculated that after bringing in something like $50,000.00 for the day and being the sole manager in charge for the night, my take home from that was between .2% and .3%, not two and three percent but point two percent and point three perecent. I was busting my ass making everyone else rich, and when I was worn out and worn down from being overworked and under supported, they let me go. That's the American dream folks, where you hire someone else to work their ass off for you and then once they've done a good job and provided for you, you put them in their place and remind them how low to the ground they really are. Well I am low, brother, like way low. I know suicide runs on my father's side, as does addiction, so when things get really grim, I have to ward off terrible thoughts of self harm and nothingness, because sometimes, when I am feeling really shitty, like, no love from the girlfriend, all my "friends" are out partying and doing stuff without me, my folks disappointed in me for not having my own place and own career, my nerd friends unavailable to play video games with, and no smoking buddies because I don't have many, sometimes I think feeling nothing at all might be better than all the disappointment and grief that comes rushing into me. But nothing isn't better than anything, it's just nothing. There is no value attached to it, there is nothing that nothing accomplishes. You can't learn from nothing, you can't enjoy nothing, you can't share nothing with someone. I love to share and I love to experience things, two things I couldn't do if I were nothing. So I'm trying so hard to be something, to be someone. Trying hard to be someone you can look up to and come to when things are rough and not making sense, and while I may not always have the answers and sometimes myself be lost in such a funk that I'm doing more harm than good, I can promise I am only trying to help and only trying to make things better for everyone, not just me. The past two days, I've written to self-style entries that contain a lot of what I am feeling and experiencing, before these two days, I don't think I'd written in weeks or months. This is progress, this is putting one foot in front of the next, and the exact reason as to why I am taking a tolerance break.
