Disclaimer: This is NOT shipping the boys together. I don’t ship any of the Batfam together because it’s weird for me. Yes, I understand they aren’t blood-related, but as someone with four siblings who are also not blood-related, it’s weird.
Summary: Just for once could Dick walk into his kitchen and find something normal?
Words: 865
Nightwing rolls through his apartment window and promptly collapses onto his bed, peeling off his sweaty mask. Leave it to Bludhaven to have a gang that fights cops and vigilantes by hurling human feces at them. Luckily, Dick was fast enough to dodge the throws, but the Bludhaven police weren’t as lucky. Then after the shit throwing gang, there was a robbery at a bank that ended with Nightwing chasing an ex-elite track athlete six blocks.
He peels the top half of his costume off, exposing his bare chest to the cool air. Just as Dick starts to doze off, he hears the barely-there creak of the window in his living room open. He’s on his feet in an instant, escrima sticks in hand as he burst into the living room only to find--
“Jason?” Dick drops his hands as he stares at his brother, who is making himself a sandwich in his kitchen.
“‘Sup, Dick,” Jason greets. “Nice outfit.”
“I…,” Dick blinks, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. “Why are you in my kitchen dressed as a hooker?”
Jason is wearing a strange leather harness, fishnets, tight leather shorts, and eyeliner. Jason pauses, looking down at his revealing outfit.
“I--you know, it’s a long story,” He sighs.
Dick blinks again, but shrugs and sits at the island of his kitchen.
“Can you make me one too?” He nods at Jason’s sandwich.
Jason scoffs.
“Make your own damn sandwich!”
“You broke into my apartment and are eating my groceries!” Dick snaps.
“And? You got two arms and two legs that aren’t broken.”
“Wow, Jase, it’s so good to see you,” Dick mumbles sarcastically. “I’m so glad we get to have these lovely reunions where you break into my apartment and eat my food.”
“Same,” Jason says through a mouthful of sandwich. “But it would be nicer if your bitch ass was asleep.”
Dick throws an abandoned spoon at him which Jason easily dodges.
“Brat,” He mutters. “So, who were you trying to seduce?”
“Some of Black Mask’s goonies.”
“Did it work?”
“Did it work,” Jason scoffs, imitating Dick’s voice. “Have you seen these thighs? Of course it fucking did.”
Dick chuckles, leaning over the counter.
“Did you even shave your legs for that?”
Jason shrugs.
“I’m committed to my craft.”
Dick laughs again, leaning back in his chair.
“Anything interesting on patrol?” Jason asks.
“Yeah, a bunch of teenagers tried to throw human feces at me.”
Jason nearly chokes on his sandwich from laughing.
“Please tell me one of them hit you!”
Dick rolls his eyes.
“No, they didn’t.”
“Darn it,” Jason snaps his fingers. “I would’ve paid to see that.”
Dick recalls a memory from his Robin days that brings a wide grin across his face.
“One time when I was on patrol with Bruce as Robin, a bunch of animals escaped from the Gotham Zoo so we were helping the police and zookeepers round up the animals when Bruce and I found some of the chimps and all three of them simultaneously threw poop at Bruce.”
Jason threw his head back laughing.
“Please tell me one of them hit him!”
“All three of them!” Dick laughs. “He was so pissed!”
“That is the best thing I’ve heard all night,” Jason grins. “I’m just imagining poop getting stuck on the bat ears.”
“And it got stuck in the cape,” Dick adds. “But he ended up laughing about it later.”
“Good, it must get uncomfortable leaving that pole up his ass,” Jason rolls his eyes. “Can I crash on your couch tonight?”
“Of course. You want some actual clothes?”
Jason hooks his fingers in the leather harness, letting it pop back onto his skin.
“You don’t think I look sexy?” He grins.
“Irresistible,” Dick deadpans. “But I’d rather not know what kind of substances came in contact with that lovely outfit before it touches my couch.”
Jason gasps in mock offense.
“I am a classy lady!” He declares. “But I don’t kiss and tell,” Jason winks.
“Shut up,” Dick groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“This is what’s like to live with you, by the way, you and your constant need to hit on everything that moves.”
“At least I don’t need a leather harness.”
“Pft, I raided your closet for this outfit.”
Dick’s eyes widen in alarm which makes Jason’s eyes widen in alarm.
“I was kidding,” Jason starts. “But you believed me very quickly. What the hell is in your closet?!”
Dick says nothing, but his eyes flicker toward his bedroom. Jason dives toward his bedroom, but Dick chucks one of his escrima sticks that were abandoned on the floor at Jason’s head and dives into his room, locking the door.
“Dick! What the hell?!” Jason demands.
“Good night, Jaybird!” Dick hollers back.
Dick didn’t need to be exposing his kinks to his younger brother. While their family was weird and dysfunctional, it’s not that dysfunctional.
He looks toward his closet and sighs, leaning back against his bedroom door. Welp, it looks like he’ll be getting rid of a few things before Jason gets the chance to raid his closet for skeletons.
“My life is so fucking weird,” Dick mutters to himself.
I’ve got a few more brother antics I’ll probably post today. It’s fun playing with their dynamics! Hope y’all enjoyed, even if it’s not a reader insert story.
I think I must have liked a batfam post without checking the tags because I'm suddenly being flooded by jaydick and I'm just so Done. Like, WHY???? My day was going GREAT until now, thanks for ruining it, batcesters. Ugh.
