#notmissingme

[impossibledestinytimetravel]

My doggie, totally fine without me. #watchingcats #puppersitting #notmissingme

[yaaniilaa]

The nights that we spent just go hazy

I'm sorry that I asked you to stay

Under the stars in the sand

These conversations did break me

I'm sorry I wear you like crazy

Giving you all that I am

I'm doing the best that I can~

[heroreturns]

Apathetic? Good for you.

"Good for you" It seems like it would be a compliment or encouraging statement right? You landed the Johnson account! Good for you! You scored 30 points before halftime, good for you! Or, in my instance, I'll try my girlfriend again when her jerk of a sister doesn't have the phone anymore, good for you. I don't ask for a lot out of relationships, I don't think. It's not like I demand sex on the daily or even weekly basis. Maybe I'm not demanding enough and that's why I feel like I'm being disrespected like I am right now. However, I am aware I am not some bread winning, big cheese, shiny shoe wearing mister 401k, but I feel like I've earned a little bit more consideration than what I am currently getting. Here I am, bitching about my relationship again; what's new, right? And shame on me for not just breaking myself away from this and just walking away. Clearly I'm not happy, clearly she doesn't give a fuck about me, and clearly blood is and will always be thicker than water. Her disabled sister, who is soon to be relocating to France, is in town for a month before she takes her family with her out of the States. Naturally this means my girlfriend has to spend every naturalized minute with her and her family until she leaves which leaves me to my own devices while she's absent, and when I say absent, I mean going whole days/weeks without more than "Hey, I'm busy, how are you, oh ok talk to you later" which is about all I get lately. And that's fine. I see where I stand. I know where I fall on the totem pole. You have your priorities and your must-haves, and then you have me over here. It's gotten to the point where I am so mad, with her, with her sister, with myself, with the situation, that I just don't know what to do anymore. I already feel incredibly lonely so what does it matter if I break it off? Good for me, right? I should go fuck myself, since she already has me doing that on the reg. and without any end in sight. Part of me is loyal to what we've built and maintained over the past year and a quarter; part of me is desperate to, for once, be in a happy, positive relationship where I'm thinking more about what I can do for the other person instead of what I can be doing for myself. Right now I feel so selfish: selfish for wanting her time and attention, selfish for trying to pull her away from her sister and her quality time with her family before they leave for the foreseeable future, selfish for wanting to feel wanted and loved. How dare I crave someone else's touch and affection. How dare I question their love for me when I don't hear from them anymore other than when they need a trip to the dispensary. How dare I build up the nerve to contact her and express my feelings of solitude and loneliness when obviously stated she doesn't have the time for me. Well, I am defeated. She wins. Her sister wins. They don't give a fuck and I now acknowledge that. If she were to contact my sister telling my sister she was feeling lonely and forgotten, I don't think my sister's response to her would be, "Good for you" I think it would be more along the lines of oh what's wrong, what is going on? Different families, different life styles, different decision making. My girlfriend has made a conscious decision to not include me in this part of her life and I've made a conscious decision to be upset about it. To be fair, it's hard to "talk it out" when apparently I have to communicate through some sort of medium or connector in order to get through to her; it's only after someone else has read and filtered my message that she's able to receive their contents. Well fuck it then, here's me communicating to the world so we all see it at the same time, no misinterpretations, no lost in translation: I fucking miss you and I hate how you make me feel for missing you. You told me I was your boyfriend, you told me you had feelings for me and loved me, and now, I guess those feelings have been marginalized for other bigger more important feelings like family bonding time. Instead of saying something or allowing something to be said to comfort me and assure me, we have gone the route of indifference. You're upset? Be a fucking man about it. Miss me? Too fucking bad. Didn't get what you want? Welcome to life. I get it. The reality is it's a cold harsh world, and I'm more likely to fall asleep frigid and alone than I am to wake up to some warmth and company. Instead of understanding and compassion, you show me apathy and sarcasm. Well fuck you. Fuck your sarcastic tone, fuck your family time, and fuck you for making me feel so raw about all this when all you had to was offer one sweet sentiment. You didn't even have to fucking mean it. "Miss you" but I guess we might both see through the bullshit on that huh. I guess now, even more than envying time with you that other's are getting while I get static, I envy your ability to just not care. I care about everything. I care that your sister thinks I'm some pathetic loser and that my first interaction with her was something she intercepted that was meant to be a personal communication to you. I care that now I fucking hate her guts and this whole thing is turning negative and sour. I care about you so much that it fucking hurts how little you care about me. Guess it's time to stop caring and start working. I have to give her this, before that little quip I didn't think I was going to write anything today, but that little serpent has my blood so heated right now I feel if I don't type something I'll end up spontaneously combusting, which I wouldn't mind so much once it was over but it would be a shame to burn my parents' house down because you and your sister don't care. Good for you... No, fuck you. And fuck me for caring.