Disappointment.
Hi guys. It’s been a while since my last journal entry, but let me say... a lot has happened these last few months. Anthony’s birthday is in 2 days (November 16th) & he’s turning 22 years old. My family wants to throw him a surprise BBQ for him w/ all his friends & a few of my cousins that he’s gotten close to. He has no idea of course. BUT. Something happened last night that might’ve compromised this entire plan 😪
Everything was going fine, our relationship was good & we were talking; but last night just changed everything. I asked Anthony if he could massage me & I promise to give him something nice 😏 in return. He finishes the massage & says “you know when it’s convenient? In the morning.” & I say, “oh, so you don’t want it now then?” & we go back & fourth for a bit until he gets upset & he’s like “I can’t even talk to you because you make me so mad!” So, being the way that I am, I say “are you calling me stupid?!” Here’s when it went downhill for me. He responds w/ “I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE YOU ARE!” 😞 Who says shit like that? I mean, I get it, he was upset & it was probably in the heat of the moment... but it really affected me. I’m so used to people saying that & insulting my intelligence, but hearing it from someone who’s supposed to uplift you & not say stuff like that... it hits hard. After that, we didn’t speak to each other. We didn’t look at each other or even laid close to each other. I lost it. 😣 I broke down & tears started falling down my face. I was on my phone the entire time while he was on his laptop, acting like nothing happened. I just wanted him GONE. I didn’t want to be in the same area as him, I wanted him to go back to his house & STAY THERE. Get away from me. But he didn’t. He stayed right where he was.
The silence is what killed me the most; eventually we fell asleep around 2am. We fell asleep w/o fixing the problem & that’s what’s eating at me right now. He didn’t acknowledge what he said was wrong, he didn’t even say a word. I’m very insecure when it comes down to certain things in my life; my intelligence is one of them. All my life, I’ve heard people tell me I’m stupid & I lack common sense. So yeah, I eventually believed it. ☹️ But when I met Anthony, he made me feel like I was the smartest person alive... until last night. When he said I was too stupid to have a conversation w/. This morning, he woke up to get ready for school & he kissed me on the forehead before he left. He does that every morning before he goes somewhere, but I didn’t think I was gonna get a kiss today. I did. But I didn’t want it.
It’s hard right now. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I don’t know if I wanna throw him this BBQ, I don’t think he deserves it. Why should I spend my TIME & MONEY on someone who thinks that way of me? It’s not worth it. I don’t want to do any of that. My insecurities is coming out, my walls are being built back up. Should I just act like nothing happened & move on? Or should I give him what he wants & that’s me not talking to him because I’m “too stupid” to? I guess we’ll see...