#ns words

[sasukekys]

motion picture soundtrack

[nicsthetics]

I am a rainstorm of emotions. My eyes can flood. My body can come in waves of hot and cold. My heart creates earthquakes. Hurricane of a girl, I guess that was what you meant.

[nicsthetics]

‘The problem is, I will always put you before me, and that should not be how it goes, and yet, I still find myself planning out my days just so I could catch you on the other side even if it just for awhile. No, I should not let that be a priority, maybe it’s really time for me to put myself first. Never be vulnerable again, rebuild that wall and strengthen that armour, flip my switch. That’s my problem, I became soft, I never learn. It’s time.’

-n.s.

[nicsthetics]

In the midst of where the world was caving down around us. You brought fresh flowers and made everything around me blossom. You keep me warm in the cold and you make sure the air around me was breathable. For that I’m thankful

n.s.

[nicsthetics]

The dusk likes to haunt me. He made friends with the voice in my head. They exchange secrets and all I can do is eavesdrop. They like to talk about me, I can't defend myself or do a single thing about it. All I can do is listen and digest. It's been 5 years, since they started their late night banters, and a girl can only listen and brush it off her shoulders for so long, until she starts to believe in all the words she's been told.

n.s.

[nicsthetics]

Last night was truly a blur, but you, love, you were so clear in my mind.

n.s.

[nicsthetics]

For you, M.

I want to write this to you, the man I spent 7 years with, the man I was going to marry.

I am not entirely sure when exactly I fell in love with you. I met you when I was 16, not thinking we would ever be together, let alone be in a relationship with you for 7 years. It was just a silly little crush at first, you are my older cousin’s childhood friend who I met by chance one weekend and I never in a million years thought that this was going to be our story.

On the 17th of October 2012, I met you for the first time. It was instant that I felt an attraction towards you. We exchanged facebooks and started talking. I would freak out every time my phone vibrated and your name would appear. My first ever relationship, I never thought it would last 7 years, not a lot of firsts lasts this long but we did. I never knew what or how it was to love the way I loved you or to be loved the way you did love me. You taught me what it meant to really care for someone, not just like a friend and not like family, but a bond that was well beyond that.

Throughout the 7 years of our relationship, you taught me so much. You taught me integrity, commitment, responsibility, patience, endurance, compromise, vulnerability, happiness, sadness, anger but above all that, love. I never knew what any of those truly was until I was tested. I am so thankful for those 7 years I have spent with you. We had some incredible memories together, so many trips, so many events and milestones we went through together. 3 continents, 6 countries and over a dozen trips across oceans. 3 graduations, 14 birthdays, 7 new years, 7 valentine days to be exact, we also gained ourselves a second family. Your brothers and I share such a bond and your parents started to slowly feel like my own. I miss our gatherings and all the celebrations where both our families would gather to celebrate as one. It wasn’t always peaches and cream, it was a lot of difficult patches and hurdles we had to jump over too. We did so much together and went through so many ups and downs together and I just wanted to say, I wouldn’t have chosen to do any of that with anybody else but you.

I just wanted to write this because I know this was the most difficult thing I had to go through in my entire life, at least as of now, at 23 years of age. Losing you was the most difficult thing I had to endure. It was so incredibly painful and I still wonder how It would be if things were different half a year after our breakup. I know it will never be something that I can overcome, even with time, I think there will still be this void in me that won’t be filled. I loved you so much and I know I will continue to love you until the end of time. You are my first love and such a large part of my life. I never ever want to forget everything that you have given me. So many life lessons, so much laughter, so much love. I just really want to thank you for teaching me all the little things.

I know it won’t the same, at least not for now, but I truly believe that we can overcome this pain, some time in the future. I want you in my life, I really genuinely feel that. It is not just the love that we shared, but the fact that we grew up together and the bond we shared is beyond just a love between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, you feel more like a family member to me. All my little cousins have always treated you like you were their older cousin. My family treated like one of our own. But that being said, you and I both need our time apart to heal, and move on. But I know for a fact that the love I have for you will never dwindle away. I was so angry, so bitter, so hurt by our ending, but I never ever regretted spending the last 7 years with you. I hope that this will all blow over and we can concur this hurt and  be good with each other again. I love you Mike, I always will. I hope you know that.

[nicsthetics]

When my head was spinning and the demons inside me strangled me, I felt the fear creep through my tear ducts in the in the form of water. My brain was trying to catch its breath, but with every inhale, it got hazier. I felt like I was going to slip away, but you have your way with your words, drawing me back on the right track. That was the night my heart took a leap off the ledge, to it's free fall.

n.s.