#spilled

[treestumpgrump]

A whirlwind of different occurrences. Everything clashing into one another. The ground doesn’t feel stable. My legs are wobbly; I don’t know where to step.

Stumbling forward.

How does it always seem to come together so perfectly? Endings and beginnings. A tale older than time. I don’t know where I’m going to be in a year. So much has happened, and will continue to happen.

I love, and hate, everything about it.

[treestumpgrump]

“Take a break”

Is that what we’re supposed to do?

Why do I have to feel restrained? Like I’m being strapped down for being disorderly. Why doesn’t it ever feel like enough?

I want you. So much that it hurts. Why can’t I be normal? Why does love have to feel like a sickness?

Am I poison? Have I always infected everything that I love? It’s too much or not enough; I can never find the balance. The tears keep streaming.

My head hurts, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about how this might be too much for me. Is this just another lesson? I can’t stop wanting you. I don’t want it to end.

But then I feel like a fucking idiot for letting you in. I should never get this close. This is what happens when I let my walls down. I feel crazy, obsessed, heartsick, but it feels right.

I tell you that I want to step deeper into the water, but I’m afraid of drowning. You tell me that you won’t let me drown; that you’re just as much the ground below as you are the depths. I feel myself sinking.

I feel greedy. I want so much of you. The future looks murky. It didn’t before. I need to clear my head.

I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to let you go.

I think about the way you look at me, the way you make me feel, and I don’t want it to end. My chest and my heart feel heavy. I want to throw up.

I want to scream how much I love you. How selfish I feel for wanting to keep you. I can’t have you the way that I want. Why can’t I ever be satisfied? Maybe my whole life will be this way.

[pushagirl]

im like babyosama i chop da hair i dye da hair i lay da wig idgaf

[treestumpgrump]

My father is an expert at saying a lot without saying enough. I think I got that from him. I talk with him, but it never feels like talking. It feels like a performance. I get frustrated, because I wish I could know him. I wish he would say more. I remember being so mad, realizing what he does to avoid. Then I found out (much later) that I do the same thing. I say a lot, without saying enough. I say a lot when I name what I observe. I say a lot when I joke, when I tell stories. But I shy away. Someone asks me how I feel, and I give them an answer that looks like an answer, but falls through when you try to grasp it in your hands. You can’t grab hold. How do I stop this? How do I share? How do I become honest? It feels like a performance. People look at me, and I perform. I just want to be me. I’m aging, and I just want to be me.

[treestumpgrump]

We walked through the trees,

in the warmth,

below our thoughts.

At one point

you leaned in

behind me.

We were lost,

but that was okay.

It didn’t matter

because I was with you.

I could feel your mind,

like a thick mist.

I’m thinking of you.

Can you feel me?

[lunalejanaa]

But what you do not see, what you will never understand, is how clearly I have known you.

I know your heart. I know the shape of your cruelty, the ache beneath your pride, the truth you keep buried even from yourself.

I know the parts of you that even you have not been brave enough to face.

[treestumpgrump]

You’re so intoxicating. I don’t want to stop looking at you. And you soak it in. It’s so beautiful when you bathe in my light. How did this happen?

We said “I love you.”

We really said it.

I thought I was crazy. Sometimes I still do. I don’t know how this will play out. We don’t want to hurt each other. But I knew from the first day we met that I might. We might. I’ve chosen to do this anyway. How will this end?

I can’t stop thinking about your eyes. I cried when you left this time. Time spent together has felt like a dream. It was hard to watch you go. There we were; on opposite sides of the country. Somehow, our paths led to this. We managed to land in the same state, and same state of mind. How did we get here?

I want all of you, but I don’t. I know that I can’t. Someday, we’ll veer off. I hope that it’s peaceful. I hope that it’s mutual. I hope we can cry. I hope we can hold each other when it ends. I want to be able to say goodbye. I don’t want it to end. How will I cope?

You love her, it’s so clear. You love me too, and that’s okay. I love you so much. I hope she knows how lucky she is. I hope you know how lucky I feel to know you. Who knows what the future holds. I can’t see you clearly in my future. I see you, but it feels temporary. Does my saying that make it true?

I hope not. I want to have you forever.