#nvpd

[service4cops]

“What do you fucking think we want?”

Turns out it was what every one of New York’s Finest wanted and that suited me just fine.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

People in Night Vale are not comfortable with books in general,

understanding that they are, in the best cases,

wastes of time 

and, in the worst cases,

traps left by the Secret Police to find out who the curious ones are so they can be removed from the population.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

 A representative for the Sheriff’s Secret Police announced

that there wasn’t such a thing as a secret.

Not really.

Or that maybe the entire world was a secret, 

and we are all in on it.

She then saw a cloud she liked and smiled at it.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

DATA RECORDED BY SECRET POLICE IS CLASSIFIED.

The loudspeaker volume had increased quite a lot.

Wait.  Not classified.

IT DOESN’T EXIST.  FORGET I SAID CLASSIFIED.

I’M JUST FLYING A HELICOPTER HERE.

No, wait.  I’m not.

YOU DON’T SEE THIS HELICOPTER.

LEAVE THE AREA.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

The sooner you start this process, listeners,

the sooner you can start actualizing your existence,

exploring your inner self,

and the sooner the Sheriff’s Secret Police can track down and arrest those vile miscreants who keep dreaming about horses.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

The Secret Police interviewed witnesses, asking them questions like

“You didn’t see anything, did you?

and

“Did you?”

and

“Would you like to shut up and go home now?”

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

Do not wear tin foil hats.

This hackneyed technique doesn’t work at all.

Helicopters could mind-scan you through twenty feet of lead.

You shouldn’t wear these homemade hats because it draws unnecessary attention to yourself.

It’s pathetic

and paranoid.

The Secret Police are embarrassed for you.

[italwaysflinchesfirst]

“That’s a great big monster,” Sheriff Sam shouted.

“Let’s try shooting it.”