One of the hardest things is not being able to communicate clearly. That was one of the main issues in our relationship. And now that i know how, i am legally not able. I am only able to talk about our child. But somehow you still think I can respond to other things. I care so deeply for you and your well being. But I also value my safety. It pains me not being able to comfort and support you. And somewhere deep down I know that this grief will make me a more empathetic person. And help me grow. But the impermanence of love and life are so frustrating. I want to be held, so i can cry into your shoulder. But sitting with these feelings and emotions, learning to self soothe, to be independent is growth. I’m finally growing up. I’m only 19 years behind.
this grieving is especially hard because it isn’t just a life, or the end of a relationship, it’s over 10years of a relationship, and dreaming and planning for the future, that I am also grieving, plans for exploring and adventure. Building a home, a community. Just everything I thought my future, our future was going to be.