The Ivory Isle writing snippet, taking place after the events of the main storyline. You don’t need to know that much, I just wanted to share the writing.
Content warnings for it:
Suicidal thoughts, wanting to be hated, depression, like lots of depression, food, self hatred
Word count:
2045 words
Axel sighed as he paced around the outskirts of the forest outside their base. Danner and Azazel had taken shelter in an abandoned cabin when they first got to Safehaven, and took the others in with them when they got there. He just couldn’t handle being inside longer than he needed to. He hated the way he crept about the old wooden building, trying not to make them uncomfortable by him just being there. Not that that did anything, of course, seeing as a hush fell over everyone whenever he entered a room. The only one who didn’t react like that was Danner. Axel still couldn’t understand why none of them hated him. Well, Maia might have, but not as much as she used to.
Maybe he wanted them to hate him. Maybe it would be easier. More comfortable to know that they at least felt something other than just uncomfortable around him. Maybe he wanted them to hate him the way he hated himself. He finally wore himself out from his pacing, sitting down against a nearby tree as he shut his eyes, trying to block the cabin from his vision.
Axel wasn’t alone long, as Danner walked over to him — he didn’t catch from where, only opening his eyes when he realized that Danner walked to him. Danner was holding two bowls of stew, and sat beside Axel, silently handing him one of the bowls. Axel took it, mumbling a “thank you,” but didn’t eat anything just yet. Danner nodded to him, trying to assure him that it was fine.
“Come on… Rene’s cooking isn’t that bad, is it?” Ah, so that’s who made it. Axel didn’t hang around too long with the others, so he couldn’t be sure much of the inner workings of that necromancer.
“Oh, no, sorry, I just— I’m not hungry.” Axel wondered what the person he once was would have thought of the way he said that. It was nowhere even close to a frame of strength or confidence, though he wasn’t sure if he ever had that. But now he was downright pitiful.
“Axel. You haven’t eaten anything today, I know it. I’m supposed to be helping you get better, and I can’t help with that if you refuse to eat.” Danner sounded oddly stern, yet Axel knew it was because he cared. He shouldn’t have. Really.
“You don’t have to help me,” Axel mumbled, “I would’ve been better off if you guys had let me die anyway…”
“No, Axel, don’t say that. We couldn’t just leave you to die. You’re a person, you—”
“And why not?! Everyone hates me anyway! And they should! All I’ve done is hurt you guys, and yet you still- you still-” Axel’s voice wavered, and a few tears fell. He realized that he was holding the wooden bowl in his hands tightly, and that through his emotions clouding everything else — something his teachers would have hounded him on in the past — some of the stew fell onto his trousers and the ground.
“Oh, I-I’m sorry, Danner…” Axel sounded scared, and he set down the bowl quickly, only resulting in more stew to spill and a small wince from him.
“Don’t be. Axel… no one hates you. You don’t deserve to be hated. Trust me. I care about you, at least. Az certainly doesn’t hate you, because I don’t. Rene and Percy don’t like you, yeah, but they don’t hate you. Maia is, well, Maia, and Chord—”
“What about Andre,” Axel’s voice wasn’t strong, per se, but it was more confident than it had been this entire interaction, and Danner wasn’t exactly being comforting, though Axel knew he was trying. “He has to hate me, right?”
“Axel… I don’t know if I’m the one who needs to talk to you about this. Do— do you want to talk to Andreas himself?”
Axel stayed silent. He didn’t know if he did want to. The gods knew he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
“I’ll… I‘ll go to Andreas after dinner,” He mumbled, before picking up the bowl of stew and starting to eat.
Danner merely nodded to him, but that was enough. Axel didn’t actually mind having Danner nearby. It was good to know that someone tolerated him. And at least Danner didn’t look ready to fight when Axel entered a room. Not that Axel could blame anyone — he knew what he did.
They sat together, silently eating the stew as the sky turned to hues of bloody red and soft pink, the sun beginning to dip beneath the horizon. After a while, just as purples and indigos were starting to colour the canvas of clouds and air, and the specks of stars had begun to pierce it, Danner looked over to Axel’s empty bowl, taking it and his own back to the cabin.
“Now go talk to Andreas!” He called out behind him.
As if it were that easy.
No matter, Axel had said he would do it, and he didn’t want to make a liar of himself. He wasn’t sure if he could handle Danner not liking him anymore. The one person who tolerated his existence.
Axel got up reluctantly, deciding to check the cabin first. He wasn’t sure what the others were doing in there all the time, seeing as no one other than Danner would talk to him, and Axel would get away whenever he could. When he got inside, he saw Danner and Azazel in the kitchen, talking while Danner cleaned the dishes from supper.
“I’m just saying, are you sure we can trust him?” Azazel’s tail swished nervously as he spoke, neither of the two noticing the figure at the entry.
“I’m not sure, but I’m not going to let him be alone. I don’t think he could take it. He needs someone, Az. I promise that I won’t get hurt.” Danner was insistent, and Axel decided to leave before he regretted it, not wanting to have the conversation he was about to but not wanting to eavesdrop on the one he just was.
When he looked back at the coats on the wall by the door, Persephone’s was missing. She was probably off doing whatever stuff she got up to — Axel didn’t have an inkling of an idea of what she was interested in.
He kept quietly making his way through the house, footsteps soft as he tried not to startle anyone. When Axel reached the stairs, he hesitated. He could still turn back. No one would know. No. Danner would know. And Axel wouldn’t disappoint him like that. And Axel would know. Knowing him, the fact that he turned from something that scared him — just because he was nervous! — would follow him around forever.
Disregarding his shaking hands and legs, and the way his stomach fluttered two steps behind him, he walked up the stairs. He winced each time they creaked, and mentally scolded himself for his pathetic behaviour. He sighed a breath of relief when he got up the steps, and went to the makeshift boarding room. Once there, he saw Andreas, yes, but also Chord. They weren’t talking, but it was clear that Axel was an intrusion on their moment. The two moved from the way they were leaning against one another, but their fingers remained laced together.
Axel couldn’t help but notice the way both of them tensed at Axel just being there.
“Er- Andreas,” Axel grimaced at the use of Andreas’s full name, but pressed forward. “I was wondering if I could talk to you?” Oh, he hated the way his voice sounded so weak. He was nothing like the soldier he used to be. The part of him that still was that stronger self was yelling at him, berating him for his very existence.
Chord’s hand held Andreas' tighter, but Andreas looked up at Chord. They had a moment of nonverbal communication, a language that Axel was too disconnected from to speak, before Andreas looked back over to Axel, who had been standing awkwardly the entire time.
Andreas gave a small nod. “What is it?” His voice was wary, yet understanding as ever.
Axel hesitated. “I- well, I wanted to talk alone.” He looked to Chord to see how he might react to that.
Chord seemed even more wary and cautious than Andreas, and Axel winced at the reason why. It wasn’t like he had ever been anything but horrid to Chord.
“Oh, uh, y-yeah, alright then…” Andreas started, before noting Chord’s expression. “Chord. I’ll be fine.” He looked back to Axel, and repeated, “I’ll be fine.”
Andreas stood up, letting go of Chord’s hand. Chord’s feathered ears folded back slightly, similar to the way Axel’s eyebrows would crease whenever Andreas— No. No, he wasn’t going to think about that. It would only make everything worse. More… awkward. Well, more than it already was.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” Andreas said to Chord, before looking over at Axel and walking out of the boarding room.
Axel followed Andreas silently, as he was most of the time now. Once the two were outside, Andreas barely walked away from the cabin before turning to Axel with his arms crossed.
“So? What did you want to talk about?” Axel hated how crass Andreas sounded.
He hesitated to tell Andreas. He knew he would find it difficult, but now that he was about to talk about it, it felt so insignificant. Like it was going to just be an inconvenience for Andreas. He took a deep breath before beginning. “I was wondering… Do- do you hate me?”
Andreas looked up at him, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide. “Axel, I- I don’t think I could ever hate you. I’m upset. I’m angry. But… I don’t hate you.” He sounded absolutely incredulous, as if the very notion of Axel mentioning such a thing was absurd.
“Why not?!” Axel’s eyes brimmed with tears, and he once again mentally berated himself for such strong emotion. “Why don’t you? I have given you every reason to hate me, yet here you are!”
Andreas took a step back, increasing the already almost far distance. “Axel. I don’t hate you because I cared so much about you. I can’t hate y—“
“You should! I hate knowing that even a small part of you still cares! I have done nothing but hurt you, hurt Chord, hurt everyone, and yet you try to forgive me?! I can’t even forgive myself… Why won’t you just hate me?”
Axel couldn’t stop the tears beginning to fall, not that he even cared anymore. Oh, he would beat himself up about it later, but he barely even noticed the blurry vision, the heat of the salty tears against his cheeks, the quietest sound of a sploosh as they hit the ground — a sound that would be lost if not for the sheer silence before Andreas spoke again.
“Axel.” He was standing by Axel, right by him, his hand on his shoulder. “I don’t. I can’t and will not hate you. I’ve moved on, but that doesn’t change everything in our past. You can’t make me hate you. Please don’t hate yourself.”
“It’s not that easy,” Axel said, his sobs rendering his voice cracked and quiet, “It’s not that easy, Andre. I wish it could be.”
Andreas wiped Axel’s tears from his face and sighed, “I know. It never will be. But you need to learn. It’s going to take time, but I believe you can do it.” He paused. “I loved you,” He said, before he walked back into the cabin.
Axel collapsed onto the ground, sobbing more. He shook as Andreas’ words rang through his mind.
“I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.”
When he finally calmed down enough to go back inside, though he felt like a thin piece of glass about to shatter, the clock in the entrance read 23:00. He tried to walk up the stairs as quietly as possible, but the creaks that always were there seemed so much louder in the darkness and silence. He got to the boarding room, and collapsed onto his cot as quietly as he could. His sleep couldn’t come fast enough, and yet it was immediate.
Themes: Family, love & sacrifice, making a choice - to be updated
TWs: Mentions of child neglect & abuse, death & murder, some violence & adult language, blood - to be updated
Synopsis:
Bennie has been looked down on by her family all her life. She doesn't have the mastery over illusions and entrancing charms of her aunt and sister; nor does she experience visions of the past, present, and future like her mother and cousin. All Bennie can do is hunt, track, and find. But with the arrival of visitors to her home comes new friendships and forbidden romance. With a looming threat on the horizon Bennie will have to decide if love is worth the sacrifice it demands.
Taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed):
I think I said I wasn’t going to attempt NaNo this year, but I changed my mind last-minute. And I’ve gotten so much farther than I expected, honestly. I figured I might hit 10k, maybe 15k, by the end of the month.
But last night, on the 18th, I made it to 20k.
My project for the month is a newer WIP of mine. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it here on tumblr yet. Working title is “Lethal Love”. Obviously, it’s an enemies-to-lovers kind of thing. It’s a disaster so far, but I’m finally starting to figure everything out. And it only took 20k words to do it.
