#occupational jokes

[yuckitup-jwd]

How lawyer do it?

Lawyers do it with appeal.

Lawyers do it confidentially.

Lawyers do it on a trial basis.

Lawyers do it until justice prevails.

Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.

Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

[yuckitup-jwd]

You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if ...

your school's cheers do not include "Defense, Defense!"

your team does not have a defensive coordinator

your team has two offensive coordinators

your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores

your run to pass play ratio approaches zero

you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the 'bomb'

you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation

a 'defensive back' is on your state's endangered species list

'Offensive Statistician' is a Math degree at your school

at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized

your kickoff cover team also runs marathons

the phrase "you go long" appears on every page of your play book

your quarterback's performance is rated in miles instead of yards

your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game

the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring

you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea

you think the words "pass rush" means that the quarterback threw too soon

you don't know what a tackling dummy is

you play offensive guard because you just couldn't catch passes like the tackles

you consider "the bomb" to be as efficient as running off tackle in any situation

the usual "2 Minute Drill" is renamed the "15 Minute Drill"

your team has defensive formations named "Red Snoopy", "Sieve", and "Far From Stopping"

your Strong Safety is Al Bundy's brother except he let the other team score 4 touchdowns in every game

your alma mater has school offensive categories such as: o "Number of Passes Thrown On the Run" o "Number of Bombs Attempted" o "Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball"

your team's Quarterback is also the track team's Javelin Thrower

you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team

you think the 'Wishbone' is part of a Turkey

you think a 'Triple Option Quarterback' is one who opts to: 1. throw the bomb, or 2. throw the bomb, or 3. throw it away

you think 'sieve' is a standard reference to defensive backs

the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before halftime

you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights

more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game

speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40

it's standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game

your recruiters are ex-marathon runners

your band uses substitutions

your band doubles as a scrimmage team

any band member is know a starter

at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the combinations of field goals and touchdowns you're down by

you're up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words "We've blown bigger leads than this." keep echoing through your mind

it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after each play

you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle

when some-one says "...carry the ball in the breadbasket..." you give them a blank stare

you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software, related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season

you're more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average

you're more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes or passing yards attempted

any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play

you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest

air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens

you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense

you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on the field

you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over in laughter

the only drug the team doctor carries is "amphetamines"

your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team declines the penalty

your team's water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during a time out

the under-over betting line is more than 100 points

the "Hail Mary" is on page 1 of your playbook

the word 'Defense' is confused with the trailer-park phrase "Da Fence"

your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out because the whole offensive line is confused

your team considers a 'running play' as a live show that is currently at the Orpheum Theater

the first line of your recruiting brochure is "Have you ever thought of being a wide receiver?"

the words "This is not missprint" appear with your box scores

your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one order of magnitude

keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts

your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint

your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee league

you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from another conference

[yuckitup-jwd]

An example of how to get an idea for your thesis.

There is a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle, and walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

[yuckitup-jwd]

Three men in heaven.

Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter questioned each man:

St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ? First man: 210. St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the Theory of Relativity sometime.

St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ? Second man: 170. St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.

St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ? Third man: 70. St. Peter: Well... How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?

[yuckitup-jwd]

Teacher's Strike

Heard on Jay Leno:And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.