On sooo many levels these 2 things resonate with me.
This video by the amazingly talented Lily Myers perfectly describes the nuances of seeing a woman who "shrinks" who remains silent, who absorbs, and absorbed the practice of absorbing from her mother. I watch as my mother still practices this silence when strangers or even our own family hurts her, while my father takes golf vacations to the warmest places all year round, his 2nd wife serving him as a Japanese wife "should" with no grudges.
I realize the physical, emotional and intellectual barriers of the last 2 years in my new leadership role have been due to this fact. It feels WRONG to take up space. Occupying space for my real thoughts (especially if they do not align with what's being said outloud), for my decisions and when I strongly feel something but cannot speak it, is the hardest thing for me to do. And as a leader, I need to do this.
Culturally and due to adopted behaviours, I feel as if the only time I can make decisions for myself or for others, speak honestly or disagree with someone is if I am granted permission by someone other than me.
I have been trying to take up less and less space for years, physical space, speaking space, decision making space etc. My back and neck have been in pain this past year, my jaw has felt the brunt of the spurts of intense urges to speak as it clicks, clicks, clicks, but no words come out - i don't let them come out. I have a TMJ disorder of some type - I've been going to the chiropractor, acupuncturist and massage therapists to figure out my issue with my body, but now I get it. This constant effort to stay small, stay inside my mind and to not take up space, to be as invisible as possible is causing my body serious issues. Not to mention my emotional issues and confidence issues.
This article "Do You Take Up As Much Space As You Deserve?" helped me come to this realization. It also helped me realize, I need to take up and occupy the space I need and deserve.
“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou
I have been an athlete my whole life, and I think that has always been my outlet of energy. For the last couple of years I have not played as much and I think the pent up energy didn't have anywhere to go except deeper into my muscles making them more condensed and tense than ever.
I'm so happy I have come to this awareness. I'm also so thankful for this article as it gave me some fantastic questions to ask myself when things are clearly unbalanced in my life.
1. Where are my excesses?
Please take a look at the article if you would like to see how she answered these questions.
Then take a look at this "You Are Important" - to remind you of your wonderful nature. (side bar: the only part i don't agree with is that it says "we are undeserving" ... My point is, everyone is deserving to take up space and share space respectfully).
Let us as women, particularly women who have learnt through culture that we cannot take up space as men do, occupy the space we deserve, for our own sanity, for our own empowerment and expression. As I always say, "we are here for the purpose of giving our gift to the world" and how are we to do that if we cannot even take up our own space to grow, make mistakes, experience life and offer that gift?
