#oea tw

[lobotomized--doll]

very intrigued about your name!

- 🥖 anon (again)

I'll go ahead and explain it then!!

So uh, well.. TW for traumatic delusions, SA and CSA, as well as aspects of my OEA (Organized and Extreme Abuse) and conditioning/programming.

The "Lobotomized" portion of my username comes from the fact that I am schizophrenic and had early onset schizophrenia as a kid. Between the ages of 5-13 (broad, I know, but for my safety), I started have delusions that a parent did an at-home lobotomy on me. Even to this day, I still struggle with discerning if this was real or just a delusion. Thankfully, I have a very supportive group of friends who understand how traumatic and scary this delusion can be for me. I chose to reclaim this so I had some level of control over the delusion. Or, well, felt less scared of the delusion when it pops up. Which has been helping a lot!

The above also somewhat coincides with the "Doll" choice. As mentioned in my previous ask, I have a CRIPPLING fawn response. I also have a crippling FREEZE response. So I become very "doll-like" and very appeasing and timid and just wanting the abuse to be over with. This response is because of my intense and extreme conditioning and sexual abuse that went on for over 15 years. I want to reclaim it because Ball-jointed dolls are SHOCKINGLY very sturdy! Or at least, the ones typically made from resin! I wanted it to be more "Gentle, but strong" kind of vibes. (Though I was not inherently conditioned to believe I was a doll. Just doll-like!)

Even my pronouns are a reclamation of the dehumanization I faced from all of this. I don't want my trauma to define who I am... I want to pull myself away while reclaiming it, if that makes sense.

I'm also someone who does not have a means to fully recover (anti-therapy conditioning + abuse from therapists), so I try to find healthier ways to cope with everything by reclaiming specific aspects of it. My system and myself work with exposure best!

[weird-plurality-is]

hi this is the anon who sent a submission about synesthesia affecting our system structure so we have to "excavate" or "dig up" sidesystems. yeah so turns out that wasn't synesthesia and was from OEA programming :') we already knew we were programmed we just didn't realize that that was part of it. whoops!

.

[worldsmostevildude]

Context / Vent sorta under the cut no pressure to read but this is why our two blogs rn are so vastly fucking different lmao

tw: Extreme abuse. Again no pressure to read I just feel like I should get this out there

Don't report. All ideation is passive or currently in recession.

The reason why @postal-3-dude is our cohost right now is because IRL we are fucking STRUGGLING to even want to stay alive. Even our host is constantly passively suicidal.

We have had treatment resistant C-DID and C-PTSD since we were a literal infant. Immediately after being born we were thrown into sever and organized abuse. We've survived some of the most extreme abuse AND LITERAL TORTURE a child could possibly survive. Honestly sometimes it feels like we survived the impossible.

But because of that we've also developed ASPD recently and that is also extremely treatment resistant. We've seen supposed professionals who have given up on us over and over again simply because we're untreatable.

We've been BLOCKED AND BANNED by crisis resources and hotlines because before we moved out we would call and text so frequently but they had ABSOLUTELY NO resources to help us or even advice other than becoming a permeant live-in patient at a mental institution.

Support groups do NOT let us in. Support groups actively harass and exclude us due to the severity of our trauma and symptoms.

We are collectively religious/spiritual so we tried to join polythiestic religious support groups but we're excluded from those too for the same reasons.

There is absolutely no community for us that isn't "problematic" or that "supports harmful behavior". We looked, we tried for years and years and years. We WANTED to heal. But we can't. We're going to carry this open wound until it inevitably kills us or we wind up in prison /srs.

The reason why p3 is our co-host is because he's so apathetic we NEED him to function. Of course he still gets upset over shit but most of our alters are so destroyed from trauma we can't really function like humans at all let alone a "normal" one. Most of us can't mask how bad our stability is but he can.

Only those of us with severe amnesia, apathy, or the very few who can somehow cope slightly mask and allow us to function. Other than that we're all treatment resistant, completely broken, and entirely dysfunctional. The rest of us are waiting for death whenever and however it comes. The majority of us don't care.

That's why our blogs are so different.

[truckstoptigers]

csa vent under the cut. please proceed with caution

it's nice to know my stepdad thinks that what happened to me (and many others) "doesn't actually happen very often" aka doesn't happen enough to "count" to him so we & our feelings don't matter :) it's nice to know that me being pregnant at 12 didn't matter because it doesn't happen often so who cares :)) it doesn't matter that i was being trafficked by my own biological father and that it was one of his close friends that did that to me, because it doesn't happen often :))) i'm totally not dangerously close to spiraling about this or anything :))))

[poppiessunflowers]

@milokissa707 replied to your post “RAMCOA/OEA question”:

Yes this is extremely common, it can be for a number of reasons, explicit therapy intervention programming, organization loyal parts that prevent revealing information, and a plea of other things. Don’t worry your not alone

​Do you (or anyone reading this) have any idea how we might broach the subject with our therapist? i think we're ready, out secret keeper says she's ready, but idk how to start?