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The new hire

Although he—one of this year’s new hires—gave off a somewhat timid impression during the hiring process, he has been excelling at his job since joining the company, making full use of his well-toned physique.

When he comes to work in accordance with the dress code established specifically for him, he enters a conference room with colleagues or superiors several times a day. When he emerges a few dozen minutes later, semen from his meeting partners is dripping down the cleavage of his pectoral muscles and the grooves of his abs.

The team he belongs to has clearly seen improved results since he joined. When I spoke with him about this, he offered to contribute to other teams using this same method. I replied that I would consider it, but he persuaded me using the same techniques he always employs within his team, and I agreed on the spot. It was a wonderful experience.

Three compelling reports show just how damaging RTO mandates are turning out to be.

Unispace found that nearly half (42%) of companies with return-to-office mandates witnessed a higher level of employee attrition than they had anticipated. And almost a third (29%) of companies enforcing office returns are struggling with recruitment. In other words, employers knew the mandates would cause some attrition, but they weren’t ready for the serious problems that would result.

Meanwhile, a staggering 76% of employees stand ready to jump ship if their companies decide to pull the plug on flexible work schedules, according to the Greenhouse report. Moreover, employees from historically underrepresented groups are 22% more likely to consider other options if flexibility comes to an end.

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