A/N: Okay, here’s my version of Samcedes’ second breakup. Herein lies all of Trouty’s justifications for his actions during his senior year. Try not to judge him too much, though lol.
“Hmmm…” I sighed. “…this is nice, isn’t it?” I wondered aloud, feeling my girlfriend of the past four months nod against my shoulders in agreement. She and I were relaxing, all sprawled out in our PJs as we cuddled. Our legs were tangled together, bodies aligned; we shared kisses here and there while enjoying the peaceful Sunday afternoon. Lazily, Mercedes clutched and stroked my bare stomach just above the sweat pants I had on. I’d placed a cheeky palm on the small of her back just underneath the camisole she wore, grazing her bottom while using my other hand to caress her bare arm. It was nice.
We were laying on a king-sized bed in the Red Rooster Inn, early in the month of August 2012. Mercedes and I had started spending a night or two together, every week since I took her to her senior Prom. It was kind of a habit we just fell into…Not to have sex, or anything…we hadn’t done that yet; or even talked about it really. But we both knew that just spending time together every day wasn’t enough for us. Losing Mercedes the year before and fighting to get her back had taught me a really hard lesson. So a part of me wanted to make the most of the moments we had left before she left for LA…and I knew she felt the same way. Sleeping together while NOT sleeping together was something we started after the dance, and neither one of us had wanted to stop…she was my other half, you know? And I was hers; sharing a bed like this was our way of expressing that.
I’m not gonna lie; after prom, I sort of expected for me and Mercedes to take that step. I’d been really looking forward to it, obviously. It’s why I got the room in the first place. But I saw the fear in her eyes when I pulled up to the room, and the trepidation all over her face as I used the card key to let us in. I never wanted Mercedes to feel anything other than absolutely happy in my company, so I made up my mind to not bring it up that night at all. And truthfully, the cuddles and kisses were enough for me. We still hadn’t talked about it, or whatever, because I wanted sex to be a something she brought up first. But I figured we had plenty of time for that…
“Whose house do you parents think you’re sleeping over at tonight?” I asked, grinning. “Three Divas?” It was kinda funny to me that we were sneaking around just to cuddle.
“No,” Mercedes rolled her eyes and slapped my arm playfully. “Tina’s. But it’s probably unnecessary at this point.” She smirked, “there’s no way in hell my parents haven’t already figured out where I am twice a week by now… and anyway, I leave for LA in less than a month.”
This was true, although we still hadn’t talked about that, either. “So do you think they hate me for giving you a reason to lie them?” I worried, raising my head a little and committing to putting off that inevitable conversation for a few more days.
“Nah…not at all” Mercedes answered, “They probably appreciate not having to do the whole big-deal sex talk with me. Plus, they trust you.” She smiled, and I believed her. “They love you as much as I do, Sam.”
“I love them, too…” I lowered my head again. Curiosity made me ask, “What would you tell them if they wanted to do the whole ‘big deal sex’ talk?” Mercedes cut her eyes at me suspiciously. “No pressure or anything, honest! I’m just curious….” I assured her.
She visibly unclenched a little and said, “My parents know I don’t intend to have sex until I know its forever. And they know how I feel about you. So if they ask, I’ll tell them it hasn’t happened yet, but…”
“But you can see forever with me?” I prodded. It was actually something I wanted to hear her say out loud. I can admit now that maybe I pressed the issue a little too soon.
Mercedes nodded, looking a little conflicted… it worried me. “I guess in a lot of ways, yes…”
The way my girl phrased that should have reassured me, but like I said, it scared me a little. I decided I should push her some more…try and figure out what was going on in Mercedes’ beautiful head. “In what ways, yes?” I probed, anxious to know that I wasn’t the only one dream-building.
“Well, Sam…” Like always, Mercedes took a minute to approach her answer thoughtfully. “…you already know that this past year with Shane taught me a lot about myself.”
“Yeah…” This was true, and I knew exactly what she meant.
“And I know for a fact now that I’ll never be able to deny you a place in my heart again,” she added.
“There’s like… a part of me…a spot that will ALWAYS be -I don’t know- warm, just for you,” she went on. “A place in my soul that’s kind of… sacred to us. And I’ll never get over that.”
She beamed at me and I probably should have let the issue drop there, but for some reason, I still didn’t like where this was going. “Okay…well, in what ways, no, then?” I asked, unable to stop myself.
“Sam…” she sighed. “You don’t wanna talk about this now…” Mercedes closed her eyes to avoid mine. “Trust me; we have two weeks before I leave. We should enjoy them; Baby, just like we did last summer…”
“Wait, what?” I straightened up in the bed and glared at Mercedes, figuring out without her saying the words that she was planning to break up with me again before she left the Midwest. “What the hell does that mean? Last summer you dumped me. You’re not plannin’ on doin’ that again, are you?” I honestly hadn’t even seen it coming.
Mercedes sat up too. Her worried expression told me all I needed to know. “Sam,” she tried to explain. “Please don’t take it that way! I mean, I haven’t fallen out of love with you. You know that…
"Timing…" she cut me off. "…that’s whats always been our main problem." Mercedes paused to think and started again. “We both know that how we feel has never been an issue.” She shrugged again. “If you think about it, this summer is no different than last summer, really…”
I took a deep breath, collected my thoughts and tried to quiet my slowly building anger. Then I spoke, using the most calm tone of voice I could manage. “That’s a load of bull,” I stated through gritted teeth, and figuring out too late that it was probably the wrong thing to say. She hates it when I call her out.
This time Mercedes glared at me. “Sam, stop…” Crossing her arms over her chest, she accused, “…you had to know that this was gonna to happen at some point. You knew we’d have no choice. It’s just like last time…”
I know my face was screwed up in anger and that challenging Mercedes at this point would be a bad idea, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Keep saying it, then…over and over,” I said sarcastically, “try and convince yourself.”
Mercedes narrowed her eyee and I bit my lip before giving myself permission to speak again.
“You know what I just figured out, Mercedes Jones? You’re a liar.”
It was obvious I’d hurt her feelings, but at that point I didn’t even care.
“You know, last summer I never even thought you were capable of lying to me…” Mercedes avoided my gaze. “…I’m serious. I thought telling me something untrue would be too painful for you to even try it. But when I came back, I figured out that sometimes you do it anyway…even though you suck at it. And I didn’t let it bother me, causeI can see right through you, anyway.”
I ticked off my fingers “All your ‘summer fling’ talk, and the‘so June’ bullshit…I could ignore it, even though it hurt me…and that was bad enough.”
I saw a tear fall from her eye but forced myself not to back down.
“But this time, you’re also lying to yourself, which makes you the worst kind of hypocrite in the world. And I love you too much to let you do it…” Now I was avoiding her eyes as well. “Not this time.”
“Please get this through your stubborn head…” I interrupted, “…This summer, Mercedes Jones, is NOT like last summer…like, AT ALL!” I tried to gather my thoughts. “It’s just…not!”
I pointed my index finger directly at Mercedes’ face.
“Last time,” I continued, “we didn’t know where I was gonna be livin’ after I found out about the move. I knew my dad wouldn’t have money for a house right off the bat, and that my family would be moving from place to place for awhile...meaning that, for awhile, we wouldn't be able to write. Last summer, you and I didn’t know if I’d be working in whatever city I moved to, or what my hours would be. Last summer we didn’t know when I’d be able to afford a cell phone to call you on, or a computer so we could Skype. We didn’t know if I’d be able to get away and take a four hour drive to come visit you, or if your parents would ever let you come visit me. We didn’t know if the next time we saw each other would be this year or ten years from now! We didn’t know any of that!” I threw my hands up in frustration. “That’s why we broke up!”
“Sam…” she had softened, but I could tell Mercedes was still planning on arguing with me, so I cut her off again.
“But this year, all of that crap is different!” I explained, getting angrier with every word. “First of all, I’m in Lima now! And I’m gonna STAY in Lima for my whole senior year! You know this…we already talked about it and this ain’t news to you. I love it here, and THIS PLACE –the place where we fell in love- IS MY HOME!”
“But nothing, Mercedes! This town, your hometown, is where I’ll be…and you’ll be back, all the time!” I counted on my fingers. “To help out with the Glee club, and visit your parents on weekends, and over Thanksgiving and Christmas and summer break. We’ll be seeing each other all the time!” I reiterated.
“Quit interrupting me, Mercedes!” I raised my voice. “This is important!” I took a deep breath. “It’s important that you listen to me and understand that this time around, you know exactly what to expect from me… What to expect from us!” I grabbed her hand, forcing Mercedes to look me in the eye. “It’s important for you to realize that this time; I’ll be sleepin’ in the house where your best friend lives, down the hall from the same bedroom you sleep over in all the time!”
“Kurt and I aren’t best friends anymore…”
“And you know how to reach me,” I ignored her. “Every day; you know where to reach me! I’ve had the same cell number since December…that ain’t changing anytime soon! I don’t have a job; my folks send me an allowance every month…. I’m gonna have time to makr the long distance thing work!” She averted her eyes again, causing me to roll mine. “Mercedes, I used my laptop to load a video of YOU onto YouTube, and you can Skype me on that same laptop every damn night!”
“But what?” I countered. “Answer this…don’t you still love me?”
“Yes,” she whispered, crying. “I do.”
“And do you still believe you’ll love me forever?” I was shouting.
“But you’re still willing to break my heart; maybe find another transitional guy to hang out with, just because long distance relationships are hard?”
“No…” Mercedes was shouting too by this time. “…that’s not it, Sam! That’s not what this is! I don’t want anybody else!”
“Then why?” By this time, my own tears were dripping onto the bedspread. “Why would you do this to us again? Why doesn’t our love mean as much to you as it does to me?”
“So, what if everything I feel right now isn’t as real as I think it is? Huh? I don’t know who I am in love… I don’t have anything to compare it to,” she reminded me. “What if I go off to LA, hellbent on a future with you, while you’re in Ohio, lonely, falling out of love with me?” She snatched her hands from mine and crossed her arms over her chest stubbornly “What if all of this is just puppy love and I just can’t tell the difference?”
At this point my shoulders were shaking with rage. Mercedes could tell, and she softened her tone a lot.
“Sam…” she pleaded with me to understand. “You’re the only guy I’ve ever really had feelings for. So what if I don’t understand this stuff enough to realize that all this forever talk is unrealistic? And you’re just ignoring all the problems you see coming because in this moment, I’m all you want? Hell…” She rolled her eyes. “…that could change at any time.”
“You think I would cheat on you?” I was outraged. “You think I could EVER cheat on you?”
“No…” she allowed. “…I don’t. But you’re just…so used to always having a girlfriend around, Sam. You’ll get lonely and resent me for it.” She shrugged. “I mean, we could end up hurting each other in other ways than just cheating… hating each other, really. All because I’m too dumb to see that this won’t work? We’ll never end up together if we make a mistake like that right now…”
“Okay, just stop it!” I interrupted. “I know my heart, and I know it belongs with you. You can double talk and make a bunch of ‘what if’ predictions all night, and I can even pretend to listen to ‘em and argue.”
Fighting tears, I stood and fumbled in my bag for the shirt I’d worn when we checked into the room.
“But I can see that you’ve made your mind up already,” I continued, putting it on. ” Just like I can tell there’s a part of you that wants me to try and change your mind.”
When I said that, Mercedes avoided my eyes on purpose, and I was so angry to be right in that moment that I never even checked to see if there were any tears there. Instead I said the ugliest words I’ve ever spoken out loud.
"Only problem is that right now, I’m not even sure what we have is worth fighting for."
I watched Mercedes jut her chin stubbornly, knowing I was going to be hurt even more if I remained in that room. So I stuffed my feet into my shoes angrily, picked up my backpack and made my way to the door. I opened it, turned around and said one last thing.
“Last summer, Mercedes Jones, I gave you my love to wear around your neck. When I did that, I thought I made it perfectly damn clear where I stand with you…where I want this to go…” I gestured between Mercedes and I using my hands and ignored the sniffle and sob she couldn’t quite hold in. “…I promised you then,” I went on, “that our forever would start as soon as we found each other again. And we have. That was all I thought I ever needed to say and I’m not gonna undermine that by defending our love to you today.”
Allowing myself a brief moment of hope, I searched Mercedes’ face for a sign that she wanted to change her mind, but sadly…there was none there for me to see.
" What we have is worth more than that, Mercedes, and deep down…you know it too.” I took a breath, wiping away tears of my own by that time.
“You just need to know that I can’t hold out any hope for us, if I’m gonna be doing it all on my own. Right now you should be using all your forward thinkin’ skills to plan OUR future. You should be figuring out how to make us work, instead of figuring out all the reasons why we won’t. You should be thinking about the day I move to LA to be with you, instead of thinking about why your being in LA means we can’t be together. So I’m gonna leave you with this…and it’s the first and last ultimatum I will ever use on you. I can promise you that much.”
I looked at her face…beautiful, even when tear-streaked, and choked out, “If you do this, Mercedes…if you break up with me…I never wanna speak to you again. So just call me to let me know where you land.”
And as I walked from the Red Rooster to the Hummel’s home, tears now freely streaming down my cheeks, I already knew what choice she would make.
