#okt19

[whatiftoday]

#8 what if: group therapy

I think I haven’t written a blog in a month or so now. Mostly because

1. I have been too freakin busy

2. I have to write a lot as homework for the group therapy sessions

I have been busy working, having a second job as well now, doing stuff for our photo club as secretary and making+editing photos. (also for money). you would think I’m really rich now but actually no.  I didn’t get paid like a lot for the photo job and it took a lot of time editing all those photos. 

Secondly, I started this group therapy session for improving your self-image. Hoping that would improve my anxiety as well. The therapy is quite intensive (for someone who also works and stuff) because it is every week and you have homework every day. 

Firstly I was quite anxious to start this group because I have never done therapy in a group. But it didn’t worry me as much as I think it would have a few years ago, so that is a good thing. I also find myself really participating in the group sessions as I want to say things to the discussion and such. It’s quite a big group so it’s a lot of listening as well. 

The funny thing is I’m quite irritated when other people talk about how bad they feel about themselves, but when I think about it I feel the same thing. It’s just that I think for those people it’s unfair and not true that they think so badly about themselves, while for me thinking the same way as them about myself is absolutely normal. 

It’s not really as much as a therapy as it is more a training. It’s not like what you see on tv when people talk about bad moments and everyone cries and then everyone feels better because they talked about it. You get legit assignments you have to do during the week and then you talk about how the assigments went. Then you get explained what the next assignment is and sometimes you get to practice that in the group and you get to ask questions. But you hardly get involved in someone's problems or issues. 

Which I think is the meaning of the group because we are all people who would rather help someone else with their problems so if they were to talk about it you would try to help them instead of helping yourself. But sometimes it is quite annoying because someone has to explain part of their issue to explain how they did the assignment and then only get to hear a part of their story/issue which leaves you wondering what the whole story would be. 

Anyhow the training/therapy gives you more insights which are always a good thing; but the same as ever, it always raises more questions as well. We now had 4 sessions which means there are 4 or 5 more to go and I keep wondering; is this going to be enough to keep me from preventing anxiety breakdowns?. I really get that having a low self image is a great part of having anxiety, and the therapy is only a start you have to keep doing the excises even after the training. But is this going to be enough for when things will get really bad?

I’m also not sure if things will ever get that bad; since I think I mostly had the hardest parts, plus if it ever gets bad I have the experience now with the previous bad times. But it still is that anxiety part that keeps wondering:

What if it gets bad and you lose everything good you have right now? because that is the bad thing about my situation now; I love my job, my volunteer job, I love my house, life, hobby, everything is going so freaking well. Which means I only got more things to lose...

[stiffon]

#8 What if: it’s never going to enough?

Too fast. 

This has always been a problem of mine. When I want something I cant to bring up any patience. I want things too much too fast and if I manage to do it that way it probably won't bring any satisfaction. But now I’m in for the long run, I want good things to last so I need patience. 

at the moment I'm being quite busy. After my mini-breakdown in January this year I want to prevent that happening again. So I tried some therapies this year that didn’t do very much. Last week I started group therapy. This is something I have never done before. It’s so different from what you see on tv by the way. It’s a therapy group to improve your self-image. Something I clearly don’t have right, but don’t have that wrong either (as I thought). This was recommended for me because my anxiety probably is a result of the fact that I’m not that confident. improving my self-image should make me more confident, therefor it should help with my anxiety. 

I think this group is right for me, even though I don’t feel like everyone is on the same level. I don’t mean that as a bad or good thing, I just think they are struggling with different problems than I am. They also see themselves other then I do. We all have in common that we don’t like ourselves very much but those people don’t like themselves at all. And I just can not say that; I mean; I, not a bad person and I mean good. I absolutely believe that I am a good person, I just keep thinking everyone is better.

by example: I honestly believe I’m being a great vet nurse; I have enough knowledge and practical skills to prove this. But when I compare myself to my colleagues it makes me feel insecure, because, in my opinion, they are better. Every time something happens that confirms that statement I tell myself, you can think you’re doing great, but they are better. And I think this is highly unfair to myself and also quite frustrating. Because I work so hard to be a good vet nurse. 

And that example is the one I even believe the most. If I would choose by example my hobby photography; I'm even highly convinced mostly all the time that my photos are shit. The fact that I have to keep reminding myself they are moderate and some even good that make me so tired that sometimes I don’t even bother picking up the camera. Because the photo’s  I make will never be good enough anyway. 

Yesterday one of the therapists asked something very on point at me: When do you think it is good enough. She said if I didn’t have this clear to myself. I would never be happy with what I have achieved; because it will never be good enough, because I don’t know what good enough is. I want too much, too fast and it will never be good enough because I don’t know when it is good enough. This results in the fact that I will always think less of myself, which results in the fact that I don’t get confidence, which will lead to infinite anxiety. 

I think therefore it’s important to think about when I think it is good enough. I’m going to try to set a border for myself, the same way I would say it is good enough for someone else. 

example: When is someone a good photographer? If I answer this question keeping in mind another person it will probably be easier, and I won't be that hard on another person as I am on myself. So If I answer it that way, without keeping myself in mind I can compare it to myself afterward. And if the conclusion will be that I meet the requirements that I set for other persons; I have to believe that if I think someone else is good enough, I should be too