#oliverbolger

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I had a dream about Oliver last night. It was so real, and the feeling was absolutely intoxicating. Those types of dreams make me really sad.

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I had a dream last night that I was talking to Oliver and I was like, "I wish you were back. Not because I want to date you or anything, but I just wish you were back." And then we looked each other in the eyes, but his eyes were the wrong color. Then I was upset in my dream once I realized that I was making his eyes the wrong color. And that's pretty much the first dream I've had about him and I don't know what any of that means.

[username11111]

my dream

we were touring a building and there was someone else with us, another girl. But you went to the second story and jumped off into a big balloon thing that was supposed to cushion your fall but you still hurt yourself but you got up anyway. I ran over to you, which surprised me and I hugged you because you looked like you were about to fall. You did and I kind of sank down with you. I cradled your head and upper body in my lap, while kind of bending over you so my face was near your left shoulder. You were wearing a dark green sweater and you asked me to eat lunch with you, quietly so no else could hear and I whispered yes into the sleeve of your shirt, so intimately that it was clear that something had changed between us. You asked in a way that seemed like a cry for help because you wanted me to help you to the lunch room and you wanted me to be there with you. Your name was Oliver. I’m guessing that this dream was a reaction to the news of your death which has stayed with me more than I thought it would. As soon as I woke up and thought about the dream, my immediate thought was “Why couldn’t I have helped him like that when he was alive and struggling?” I’m not sure why I feel guilty or like I could’ve done something to change what happened because I barely knew you and I’m sure your friends feel unimaginably worse than I do but I still feel this way. Maybe it’s just my subconscious but I’m sorry, Oliver, that I couldn’t do anything to help you. 

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I only knew Oliver for 4 years more or less, but above all he was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I loved him. I remember in 10th grade chemistry class when we sat next to each other. I thought he was the most intriguing guy in the world, yet I had no courage to talk to him. So I wasted a YEAR not once talking to him. But as fate would have it he got moved into my 11th grade physics class and I guess I got over my fear then. I’d go sit and talk with him after lunch before anyone came into class. So anyway, a few group chats, a Valentine’s day card, and a trebuchet project later we were an item for a while. And I can’t even express how happy he made me. Oliver was the sweetest, most caring person in the world. I was absolutely heart broken when we broke up because I knew I lost a really special guy. But we hung out a few times over the next year or so as friends and I’m so so happy we were able to do that. Although 4 years isn’t a long time, he made such an impact on me and I’m glad he was part of my life. Recently, I hoped I’d run into him at a party or something and catch up sometime. This is starting to sound rambly so anyway, Oliver meant a whole lot to me and I can’t even imagine what his best friends and family feel. I know we haven’t talked in two years, but he still holds a special place in my heart and always will. He was my first everything, and I’ll miss him. I’ve always missed him.