#on confidence

[asoftepiloguemylove]

hello! do you think i could request a webweave on the topic of feeling a newfound confidence and bravery in yourself? i just think it would be neat but please only use this if you’re lacking inspiration :)

Jenny Slate / Heather Havrilesky Ask Polly: Help! I'm The Loneliest Person In The World! / With Confidence Voldermort / Alexandra Levasseur Body of Land / Amy Schmidt Abundance / Anis Mojgani Here I Am; Songs from Under the River: A Collection of Poetry

[honeytusk]

"Look, look," debating from the river's cuts, I heard a salmon word, "survival and luck, you cannot be serious." It was laughable - I was laughable - and I am glad to have had such humble professors, like that. I wore the skyline in the day, like the good sun shone what that tackle might shine unbaited beneath. "Wear a good time like clothes," she begged. Wear it. Wear it. Yeah. I wore the skyline in the day, for once, on purpose. It no longer feels just like luck. Yeah. I wore the skyline.

[badbitcheschoose]

innerbutterflyy

[floatingbook]

How do I stop doubting myself? I doubt everything I think and I’m always so terrified of being wrong. Other people are so confident, even when they’re saying dumb shit, and nothing seems to affect them, they just don’t care. How do I get that energy T.T

A little doubt, a little skepticism, a little second-guessing is good because it helps us weight risks, craft plans, and no act too rashly. But like any woman raised  and living under our misogynistic circumstances, you’ve been taught to chronically not believe in yourself, in your own mind, in your own powers of reasoning, in your own thoughts and emotions.

That’s bullshit. You have every right to exist and to have opinions and to make decisions — even if your opinions are misguided and your decisions are flawed. And that boils down to two things:

You don’t have to apologise for existing.

You’re allowed to make mistakes.

Both of these are complementary if you want to relax around your own existence and display the confidence you should — rightfully — have. You can take up space; you should take up space. You are entitled to your own opinions and thoughts and reactions and emotions. There’s no right or wrong way to react to things or to think, as in there is no reason that we should all think the same way or hold the same emotional response to a set stimuli. You don’t have to fit expected responses, you don’t have to conform, and disagreement is not a sin. Basically, you don’t have to apologise for existing. People might want you to, but nothing compels you morally to do so. You are allowed to exist. You need to recognise it, internalise it, make it yours instead of a foreign concept. Allow yourself to take up some space. Life is big enough to accommodate you.

The second thing makes it easier to stop worrying about wether or not you should doubt yourself. You’re allowed to make mistakes. In the majority of cases, these mistakes won’t kill or hurt anyone. They might mean that you need to devote more time and energy to something, but they are not life threatening. Failing is not the end of the world. Failure, making mistakes, are important parts of the learning process and sometimes, they can be the best thing that happen to you. Work on making mistakes, make them purposefully to demystify the whole experience. Mistakes are just another part of life, one you don’t need to be uncomfortable with. I know I sound sort of flippant here, but I do know how hard it is to let go of the thought that any mistake will ruin your life and make you worthless. It doesn’t. You need to live in the initial discomfort of making mistakes, and it will wear off after a time. Anyways, embrace making mistakes.

It’s a long road, it’s an habit that you need to give shape to and adopt. Going through the world knowing that you deserve to exist. Knowing that you can and should take up space. You will get there.

Finally, you mentioned “people [who] are so confident, even when they’re saying dumb shit, and nothing seems to affect them, they just don’t care” and honestly I don’t think we should base our notion of confidence around men (what you’re describing is textbook men behaviour anon, you don’t have to say people). Men lack the humility and ability to care that distinguish confidence from arrogance. You don’t want to live as if you’re entitled to the labour and time of everyone around you and that everything is owed to you; you want to live with the assurance that your life and your opinions have value. They do. Just work on being unapologetically yourself, and the self-doubt you will retain will become a useful tool for assessment and self-improvement, not a dreaded, nagging voice.

Good luck, and don’t let the men get you down.

[expatesque]

How did you get so confident? And just ... I don't know ... good at life?

Lol this is jokes in the circumstances -- literally tipsy on the dodgiest drink, having such a rogue night after a v dodgy work week.

But honestly, that's the key to it -- everyone is human and a mess, even the people who you think have it together (those people end up in real messes later in life, trust me). I really learned this lesson from my mother, who I adore, but who was definitely seen as a 'fun, cool, hot mom' while I was growing up despite being a total mess. And I saw all the messes (my mom couldn't really cook! Our house was chaos! But she was always pulling it off, always making sure we were having fun, always keeping us as the priority. She was an amazing mom, if a dodgy adult 😂).

And so from that, I learned that it's all about how you carry it off. Everyone is a mess, so own it, know who you are, and be confident in that. There's nothing else you can do.

+ let's have a sleepover!

[floatingbook]

any tips on confidence. I’m a tomboy but chubby but can’t help but feel frumpy in Men’s clothes. I want to lose weight but right now is just not the right time for me. I want to be happy with my body now and wear the clothes I love to wear like all the other cute studs and tomboys do ugh sigh... Thank you in advance💕

Well anon, first I’d like to remind you that your worth is not tied to your weight, and that there’s nothing wrong with being chubby. Please be extremely careful when trying to lose weight, as it is very easy to slip into disordered eating and self-hatred.

Congrats on being a tomboy, you’re going for the comfortable clothes! When it comes to confidence, first you have to reassess your mindframe. What do you aspire to? What kind of energy do you want to exude? Who are you trying to emulate? You life will be much easier if your dreams and expectations are realistic. If “all the other cute studs and tomboys” have body types that differ widely from yours, you’re setting yourself up for deception.

Here is the thing: tomboys and masculine women are pretty rare, as far as role model goes. So unless you happen to know personally some chubby women who wear men’s clothes, you’re probably getting your inspiration from thin women. Men’s clothes are never going to fit on us like they fit on them. Men’s clothes are tailored for male body, so unless you’re thin and flat-chested, something will have to give when you buy from the men’s side of the store. Perhaps you will have to go for clothes too big around the shoulders to accommodate for your chest; perhaps you will have to roll the sleeves ten times to find a shirt that fits your belly; anyways you will have to compromise or make alterations if you want these clothes to fit you, as a chubby woman.

What truly matters is, you do not have to look good. And by “look good” I mean be considered attractive or well-put together in the palatable sense of the term, i.e. the heteronormative, misogynistic standards that bear down on us from every piece of media available. You do not have to look good. You can just exist, and exist in the clothes you’ve chosen, wherever you bought them. You don’t have to look dashing, or dapper, of stylish, or fashionable, or just plain palatable. You can be ugly, as in flout every rules of fashions to be yourself. People will judge you anyway, but the judgments of most of the people you cross paths with this won’t have any direct impact on your life. Let them think whatever they want to think; it’s their problem, not yours.

So, if you want to increase your confidence about being a tomboy, I would suggest:

Look into sewing to be able to make the clothes you buy fit you better (altering seams, adding buttons, taking in shoulders, …). You can find resources easily on youtube, and you need very basic supplies (a needle, some sewing thread, measuring tape);

Find some women who share your sense of style and your body type. Learn from them how to make the most of clothes not designed for you specifically;

Suits vests and suspenders are your best friends, you cannot go wrong with them, so wear them with abandon if they’re your jam;

Learn to take up space into your own body, and to take up space with your body. Yoga can help with better understanding the space you take up in the world;

Watch the women around you from time to time. Some are definitely shackled by fashion expectations, but some are relaxed about it, and some even don’t give a care;

Remember that you are fine. You can trust yourself. You’ll be okay.

[allo-frouto]

Well the lesson was to open their eyes but didn't say anything about you 😜. I like the confidence though 😂🌻

It was pretty self-explanatory though.