#onthepathunwinding

[dropyourfishandchips]

Happy Day

So, in March 2012, I made myself a deal:

If I could go one year without eating McDonald's, I would reward myself with a Barnes&Noble book-buying spree.

Now, to some people that might not be a big deal--but I had a major addiction.

Today, I finally had the spare funds to make this happen.

AND BOY DID IT HAPPEN.

Here are the books I bought:

Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales (7.98): I've read them all before, but I need a copy for making notes.

Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales and Poems (7.98): Another book for research, though I love me some Poe.

Sabbats: A Witch's Approach to Living the Old Ways by Edain McCoy (18.95): I've been eyeing this book for awhile, and--as it's Samhain--I thought the timing good.

Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons (19.99): Another I've read but didn't own.

The Daily Book of Art (22.95): A daily guide with exercises, lessons, and art history snippets. I'm excited!

The Land of Painted Caves by Jean M. Auel (8.99): I've read and reread the Earth's Children series for over a decade, and I can't wait to finish with this sixth novel, many years in the making.

Harry Potter: Film Wizardry (45.00): Easily my most expensive purchase, this guide includes such fun tidbits as a Hogwarts acceptance letter, an excerpt of Advanced Potion-Making, and a programme for the Yule Ball.

Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult (16.00): I own nearly all of her books--this is just the newest addition.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof by Tennessee Williams (13.95): One of my favourite plays.

The Bad Seed by William March (12.99): The play based upon this novel is one of the best I was ever in, so when I read the book, I had high hopes. They were definitely exceeded. March's narrative delves even deeper into the psychology of the characters. I basically bought this copy so I could take notes in the margins.

The Masks of God Volume I: Primitive Mythology by Joseph Campbell (21.00): I've been dying to start this series since I read The Power of Myth years ago. Now I can finally start!

After my Member discount and a coupon, I spent $201.43. DEFINITELY worth it. 

Probably no one cares about this post, but if you read this far, I hope you realise the intense levels of joy I feel right now.

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers.

[dropyourfishandchips]

Note to Dear Readers

When I get depressed, please remind me of this moment:

I'm sitting at the table, listening to The Nightmare Before Christmas, looking at a pumpkin harvest from my own yard, reading Sherlock Holmes stories while I wait for Mum to take me to lunch at our local vineyard/winery. I just ordered more Supernatural dvds and I'm planning my Halloween costume (Azrael, angel of death). 

"The ebb and flow--the smaller things, the flight of a crow."

I can be happy.

[dropyourfishandchips]

I just purchased a training corset.  *wide-eyed panic* O.O

I've waited years for this... (((((O.O)))))

Now I'm just freaking cuz idk how to confirm my sizing through ebay and I hate waiting for emails to come through.  ((((((((((O.O))))))))))

(don't worry; it's not a random ebay corset. Meschantes just offers wicked deals on custom sized items there)

[dropyourfishandchips]

So Many Parcels!

Yesterday I (with my sister, her husband, and their daughter) went on a daytrip to Paducah, KY. In the last few years, Paducah has become a wonderful artsy town, full of craft stores, junk shops, and great independent restaurants. 

I BOUGHT SO MANY THINGS:

*a pair of raw goat horns (they don't match, but I'm gonna mount 'em on a headdress anyway; they were $5 each and huge!)

*strings of hand-made, tumble-glazed beads

*a charcoal/graphite drawing kit

*2 pads of scrapbook paper (on sale for $6 instead of $20!); one is peacocks and bright colours; the other is earth tones, moths, and mushrooms

*tiny glass bottles

*old keys from Ephemera (a super kick-ass store)

*supplies for my super-secret Supernatural piece I'm working on

*miscellaneous art supplies

and finally

*SEASONS 1-6 OF SUPERNATURAL!!! (new for $20 each, bitches)

It was a good day.

[dropyourfishandchips]

I'm Baaaaaa-aaaack!!!

I don't know if anyone noticed my absence, but I just spent the six days in Boston on a business trip. I had never been there before, and I had SO MUCH FUN!!! 

I wore suit jackets, ate fancy room-service, and even carried a name-badge.  Yup--be jealous. I am now a professional.

Anyhoo, I have returned to the wonderful world of Tumblr, and I will catch up on things. I know I'm behind on new follower promos, the Harris Book Club, and Let's Draw Projects. Also, I have a giveaway in the works.

It's great to be back!

[dropyourfishandchips]

I'm So Scared

I feel like I'm being dragged behind a speeding car, and if I could just let go of the rope for a second I could get my legs under me and keep up better, but I know if I let go the car will just drive on without me and I'll never get where I'm going, so what I really want is for the driver to slow down for a minute, but I don't know how to ask him, and I don't want to make him late for wherever he's going, so I just keeping dragging farther and farther behind 

and I know pretty damn soon I'm going to let go whether I want to or not.

Every single day I think about killing myself. I feel nothing but this sickening, roiling, wrongness in my stomach--that, and exhaustion.

Last night I got drunk, and I left myself a note. I found it this morning and it says,

"fucking kill yourself...you'll never get them kill yourself and leave them the note. You think youre happy but youre not. The world in your mind is so much better PLS put me in a hospital i cant deal with this."

This terrifies me. I don't know what to do. Please, God, I don't wanna die but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

I'm not going to do it today--I'm not--but I'm so scared because I'm beginning to accept that someday I will.

[dropyourfishandchips]

List of Life Goals (In No Particular Order)

earn my PhD in Literature

buy a Yaris (approx. $15,000)

learn French

start full-time corseting

get down to 200lbs (current weight approx. 260)

buy a small cottage

homestead with chickens, rabbits, goats, pigs, and bees

There are many other things I want to do, but these are the big ones. 

[dropyourfishandchips]

I'm Turning My Life Around

Only a few people (if anyone) will read this, but I guess I'm posting it as a record.

I'm tired of life...or at least the life I'm living now. I thought that after graduation, my stress and depression would improve--not disappear, but become a little more manageable. It turns out, though, that while I lost most of the stressors in my life, I also lost my purpose.

Anyone who knows me knows that school is my passion. I love learning, especially in the academic setting. I love sitting in classrooms, taking part in discussions, even writing papers (sometimes).

For the first time in fifteen years, I am not going to school in the fall. I had to stop after I had a nervous breakdown (school-related, ironically). I knew that if I started grad school right away, chances were I would kill myself before the year's end. 

So now I'm not living--I'm existing. I wake, I work, I sleep (and I tumbl). I hate it. I have so many fucking dreams and I'm doing nothing about them. It's not just the school thing. It's ME. I hate myself. 

I hate the way I look, feel, act, and don't act.

So I'm changing myself.

It's gonna suck. I've tried this before, and it never worked. This time, I'm trying something different. I'm going to share it here.

All of these posts will be tagged #onthepathunwinding. Feel free to avoid them. This is pretty much for me; I'm hoping blogging my struggle will help me hold myself accountable. 

When I get off work tonight, I will post a list of my goals.

Thanks, and Blessed Be.

Josephine G.