#opal replies

[asecretvice]

hi! i just finished rereading "and this, your living kiss", and i just had to find your socials and tell you how much i absolutely adore your work. A quick disclaimer that I am not great at writing and I'm about to leave a huge word dump just gushing about everything I could think of and im sorry for all the grammatical errors in advance..

First of all, I absolutely Loved the imagery in your fic, something about the way you write really brings the scene alive in my head, notably, the pedestrian bridge waterfall scene and the parking lot meeting scene. They are both So hauntingly romantic and gorgeous!

In addition, I am truly astounded by your skill in writing the most beautiful poems, and you did so while also capturing Dean's voice. The first poem was so impressive that both my first and second time reading, I just stopped and marveled at it. The retelling of Dean's conversation with Death in s5e21 in poem form, starting with the homage to Karen's poem (Death Be Not Proud), her apple pie, Mary, and etc. It's just so mind blowing, I was left—and still am—speechless. Not to mention the dialogue in your work, it flows so naturally between characters and you capture each character's essence and dynamics just so perfectly. I absolutely adored the dialogue of the first lecture, I really felt just like Dean in that chapter—stunned by the cosmic weight of poetry. It felt as if I was really being lectured by Cas and it made me stop (again) and wonder in awe at how you managed to craft such an impactful lesson and then flawlessly execute it in Cas' voice. Particularly, the reference that you made to s6e20, "of the fish wriggling onto the sand" was so effective in bringing Castiel's voice into my head. Similarly, the references to canon in the last chapter: the confession that Cas made at Dean's birthday party of Jack Allen teaching him free will, or the confession of Dean being Jack Allen and saying he wasn't a role model from the dialogue in s10e10, were so brilliant. There were so many more references that I think I caught and each one is so seamlessly embedded into your writing that it made me want to print out and lovingly annotate each chapter (like Cas' copy of The Road So Far).

Also, each scene that you depicted was so beautifully crafted and cohesive. They were all so meaningful and I'm in love with the way you paced the story, the flashback to Dean and Charlie meeting in Missouri's summer class had to be one of my favorite parts. (top 3) My favorite scene though, or rather chapter, has to be John Winchester's Waltz. This chapter genuinely spoke straight to my soul. One of my favorite aspects of Dean is his relationship with his father and I don't always see that being explored in the way I want. I feel like most of the time, John gets heavily antagonized by the fandom—not to say he doesn't deserve it—but it's also Complicated. You managed to capture all the guilt, anger, frustration, grief, and love so perfectly in the most heartbreaking way and I could see so much of myself in Dean in this chapter that it Hurt. I can't even begin to explain it, all I can say is: Thank you for writing Dean exactly how I always wanted to see him in my head. I feel like I'm constantly searching for depictions of Dean in fan content that match up to my understanding of his character, and since everyone has their own perception of a character, it can be hard to find the one that aligns with the one I have. But your writing fulfilled my vision and I cried, then stood up and applauded.

Finally, I'm not big on academic literature so I was constantly searching up all the poets, books, essays, and vocabulary that you used and I felt like I could feel the thought you put in to every literary work you mentioned. They were all so well chosen and I truly enjoyed the journey of learning about classic literature that I would've never engaged with if I wasn't reading, of all things, supernatural fanfiction. I just felt so moved by them because it felt like they fit so perfectly to Dean's character and the whole time I was reading I was wondering if you sought out pieces that fit into your story, or if you read those works and couldn't help but think of Dean?

All this to say, I felt like I could really see the love and effort behind every bit of your work, the premise is incredibly unique, fitting perfectly to express not only the love story between Dean and Cas but also capturing Dean's character in the most exceptional way. After my first time reading this, I immediately went to your page and read the rest of your supernatural works but this one will always have a special place in my heart as my #1 comfort fic of all time. Thank you so much for writing. (and for reading my rambling) You have a 'permanent little spot' in my heart forever.

My friend, there is absolutely nothing to apologize for in leaving this ask. In fact, it is to be CELEBRATED! What KINDNESS! What JOY! I've read this a few times since you sent it, and I'm still at a loss as to how to respond. But I simply cannot leave it without response, so I will try.

Thank you for your kind words about the imagery. The best part about writing is spinning a story into existence, something from inside you now shining on the outside, and that you could see it so clearly and find it beautiful is every bit as miraculous.

Thank you for your kind words about the poetry. I heard Dean's voice while writing it; that you could also hear his voice while reading is success beyond measure.

Thank you for your kind words about the dialogue. Similar to the poetry, I'm the type of writer who writes what she hears, struggling to interpret pure thought onto paper. That you felt I'd "capture[d] each character's essence and dynamics" is like I'd hit a home run every scene, with each new entrance.

Thank you for your kind words about the canon references and allusions. There are so very many, and I rarely hear back about the majority of them. Some I deliberately planted, and others blossomed organically as the story grew. To have you standing with me in the garden and pointing out your favorite flowers is such a bright, shared joy.

Thank you for your kind words about your favorite scenes, and especially how Dean's relationship to his father is depicted. Though I'm sure our experiences and circumstances in the particulars are very different, the fact this depiction speaks to you as deeply as it does says to me that you have felt more pain and grief in your own parental relationships than you ever should have had to. I am sorry for that, but glad we can be together as you read the story, and also right now as I answer your ask (and later, as you read this answer). We're not alone, and this proves it so. We understand each other. And that's the sort of beauty that is not caused by such complicated love and grief, but the sort we can still find thriving and strong despite it. Your ovation is humbly accepted, but please accept mine in turn. Look around at how far you've come in this life! Look, too, at the wonder and meaning we can find in storytelling, especially telling stories about the Dean that you and I see. A modern mythology. A new god or saint, patron of wayward souls and exquisite pain and deep, endless love. I hope those of us who know him tell our stories again and again and again and again and again, from now through the rest of human memory.

Thank you for your kind words about the references and allusions to more established literature. I am so glad that you embarked on the journey--and in fact enjoyed the journey--of getting to know new writers and works. You asked: I was wondering if you sought out pieces that fit into your story, or if you read those works and couldn't help but think of Dean? But I'm not sure it's one or the other. The show, of course, was greatly influenced in its creation by the Beats, especially On the Road, so they were always going to have a big part to play. Others came up because they already lived in my head and jumped out from my pen as it flowed; others because as I was writing I was reading anthologies like mad, discovering those like Noguchi along with the characters. The title itself comes from a poetry collection I'd owned for many years prior. The story was mostly written and I still hadn't settled on anything. I was sitting in front of my bookcase, staring at all my poetry, when my eyes snagged on Duffy's Rapture. The title of course in reference to love, but with Castiel on the brain who wouldn't also think of angels? And I remembered so enjoying it when I'd first bought it, very young and without inkling of what it would become to me later in life, back when it was first released. So right then and there sitting on the floor I started to read it and when I got to "If I Was Dead" I knew. I kept going and finished my reread and went about my life for days because my brain wasn't sure, but I knew. The story had claimed its name and there was nothing I could do about it.

Thank you for all of your kind words, and concluding them with a small reference to my own writing. That a phrase like that could live inside you the way the quotes of other writers live inside me is strange and amazing and I wish I could clasp your hand between my own, so that you could physically feel the weight of my gratitude. This ask is such a gift.

Thank you <3

[asecretvice]

hello, so here goes a silly realisation a got. i was scrolling to my dash, as one does at 3am, and so your icon. and i just smiled at the familiarity your blog brings me, "but wait, that's el ateneo!" your icon is the bookshop i visit all the time. in fact, i visited it just a few weeks ago. and in my last visit there, i was reading the book "lazarus rises (among other things)" by @icaruspendragon, book that thanks jack allen for being an inspiration.

and while i was there reading in one of the nooks of the former theatre, crying and grieving, i could not stop thinking about jack allen and his journey. about my own journey, about how i feel like I'm too old to give college a try again, about how I'm too old and too untalented to give my passion and my art a try. and i looked at all the books around me and thought, "were these authors as scared as i am? as lost and confused?"

and i looked at the former stage and thought about the days when i was a theatre kid, thought about the hundreds of people that have ever set a foot in that stage. "were they scared too? what was their call? would i recognise mine?"

I'm a film student, and an artist who doesn't draw, and a writer who doesn't write. but those are lies, because i you'll find me drawing in every corner of a piece of paper. you'll find me writing poetics about the stupidest, most important things in my friends group chat.

back to el ateneo, i know it is just a silly thought from my sleep deprived mind, but in a way, you and the art that you created and the art you influenced to create, and all the thoughts you helped ignite in my mind and in my soul, lived in that theatre turned bookstore. you haunt my mind, and for a couple of hours, you haunted that place. a place that hundreds of talented people haunt, too. "did these people know that to every art, there is a craft? did anyone ever tell them that?"

isn't it funny how far art can go, how far ideas and emotions can travel? did you ever think that someday, the words you wrote about the poet dean winchester would travel to argentina, and would make a person rethink the way they saw their own art, their own craft? that it would push them to write again, but more importantly, think that their writing is worth a shot?

last month was my birthday, and i gifted myself a copy of on the road and the howl facsimile. and i was so happy reading it because i could see what dean saw. and i understood what poetry can do, how it tastes, how it feels in my mouth, and veins. and i just wanted to say that jack allen changed me. you changed me. and seeing el ateneo in your icon felt like a sign, like finding my house in a strange land, recognising my name in a foreign tongue. it's silly, you know? a good kind of sille coincidence

This isn't silly at all. Aching and uncanny and unlooked-for, perhaps. Awesome--in the original sense.

My icon is indeed El Ateneo, which I've not visited (yet! hopefully!) but consider a potential holy place for me given that it's a temple of both theatre and books. I am sorry for your grief, but glad El Ateneo was there for you as a place where you could tuck yourself safely away and feel, surrounded by the ghosts of stories, the stories acted out long past and the stories still waiting to fulfill their potential, hidden yet in the leaves of the books.

Let any doubt you have about being an artist be put to rest. Anyone with the ability to write this ask has the sensitivity and insight of an artist, and as you pointed out, the doodles and chats of your daily life are crying a chorus of support. Only you know whether furthering your education formally is the right choice for you, but don't let societal ideas of what's the normal age or background or skill level stop you. Every future is uncertain, so why not take a chance on something that has the potential to be so beautiful?

Because this moment you describe, my friend, is beautiful. No, never did I think the fic I wrote would grow to reach so far. Never did I imagine that so many poets, like the one whose book you were reading, would tell me they how they unearthed their voice because of it. Never never had I imagined, before this ask, that I could visit a place I so dearly want to go without actually traveling there at all. That a lovely person like you could bring me there in your thoughts and in your heart. That I could haunt El Ateneo's storied aisles with all those other artists, so many of them brilliant, often incredible, but lost, too, and scared, and yes: doubting. The two of us with them, just as you are here with me now, an entire continent away, while I answer this ask with wonder and warmth in my breast. You've called it silly--

Yet it makes perfect, simple sense to me. It slots neatly into all the thoughts I've formed while working through the fic I'm writing now, how stories, and indeed art of all kinds, can cross time and space to bring us together. In the recognition of yourself in one of the symbols I've chosen for myself, I recognize you.

So here: come visit me anytime. And whenever you'd like my company, I'll be happy to visit you.

Take me to the bookstore again, won't you? Even if just once more.

Thank you. So much <3

[asecretvice]

Dear asecretvice,

(sorry I’m not good at writing and english isn’t my first language) Im on my 5th rereading “and this, your living kiss”, just wanted to say thank you sooo much for this incredible work. I reread it during difficult times and it makes me feel better, special thanks for the representation of child s****l abuse - - as someone who has survived it, I cried for a long time over the poem “perfection”, It’s so astounding to see my own thoughts and feelings in a fictional character. This is one of the greatest stories I’ve ever read

this fanart I drew after rereading poem “perfection”. Hope you have a good day, thank you again ❤️

https://www.tumblr.com/lilyerida/817593247806390272/think-a-lot-about-and-this-your-living-kiss-by

Dear Lily,

I am blown away by your art and your words. That you've reread my work and turn to it during hard times to draw some comfort is wildly wonderful to me, and I am so humbled by it. Thank you. That you relate so deeply to this version of Dean is a gift beyond measure, too. But most of all, that you have survived, and are creating, and reaching out--this is true wonder, true beauty, the best of humanity, the everyday eucatastrophe of life! Friend, I am reaching out across the distance between us, howsoever far that may be, for a fistbump, to hold hands, a hug, pick which you prefer. I offer it freely, heart full to bursting with the bittersweetness of understanding.

And if I may shower you with compliments of my own? Because that piece of art, my friend, is utterly gorgeous. I'd not believe my writing could inspire it if I didn't see my own words incorporated there. It's so full of delicious detail that I keep noticing more...Obviously I am first drawn to Dean's eye, being the center of the target, and it's hard to look away because I can't get over it. The shape, the shade of green, the gathered tears, the angle of the brow, the freckles, the profile that is so distinctly Dean's. How the freckles mirror the splotches in the sky: the smaller, lighter ones like stars, the larger ones frustrated ink--or tears seeping into paper. The waves to me like rippling, disturbed water, but also reverberations like aftershocks of pain, a throbbing ache, or the dips and valleys of dark thought. The gun hanging over his head. The gun point up at the man. Still the target, red red red, on Dean. The repeated phrase, written over and over again (and how many of my notebooks from that age are filled with the same?). Dean, curled up. Dean with a star. Protecting himself. Soothing himself. The star a constant ache at his core? The star, a shaky sketch of his light and joy and love, a fire he keeps tending at a smolder with the hope there may come a day it can burst into bright flame?

Like all the best art, I could look at it in different moods, different times, and notice more, interpret it differently, draw out the parts that speak to me the most. What an amazing piece. Thank you so, so much for sharing it!

A good day to you as well <3

[asecretvice]

I just saw you respond to an ask about Jack Allen and the impact Living Kiss has had on someone's life, so I thought I'd share my experience, as well.

I found that fic about a year ago through a tik tok, and absolutely devoured it. It was incredible. I had never read poetry (other than in school) until reading that story, and I had never understood why anybody would. My friends who love poetry have gifted me books of poetry over the years that I'd never read, and they just sat on my shelf. Truth be told, I didn't know how to read it. Every time I had ever tried to read a poem, I'd grow frustrated and honestly... it always just made me feel dumb. As far as I was concerned, poetry was simply not for someone like me.

But your story taught me how to read poetry in a way my teachers never could, and I am so grateful to have this skill (and I do consider it a skill!) now. Thank you :)

My friend, I'm so sorry you were made to feel dumb, especially when poetry is such a fundamental form of human expression that's meant to be shared, not kept locked behind false gates. I am beyond words that you not only gave my story a chance, but that you remained open to exploring the new possibilities poetry could bring despite past experience. That is courage, and that is strength! Isn't it nice to think that maybe those gifts of poetry books weren't for past you, but for now you? That's one of the best things about books, you know? They'll wait for when you're ready to sink into their pages. Your soul will know what it needs, and call upon them when the time comes.

Thank you so much for your kind words about my writing. I'm so glad I could help you discover a new skill. Ye gods, do I wish you joy of it!

[asecretvice]

i’m rereading the secret history by donna tartt at the moment and i came here to say that her writing style / the college vibes etc remind me a lot of and this your living kiss. not ‘accusing’ you of being her or anything, i hope you see it as the compliment it is. anyway i love that fic and if i had to choose between that book and atylk i’d always choose your fic 100% no doubt

Hahaha, you know that book has been on my TBR since I was actually in undergrad? Picked it up at a used book sale. But of course the list grows exponentially and books constantly shift in priority. It's never dropped off the list entirely though, because I do periodically see people talking about it and so it has the passion and the staying power. This ask has moved it up a couple notches!

I certainly do take it as a compliment to be compared with such a widely read and loved author. And I'm so glad you still enjoy my fic. Thanks for thinking of me, and taking the time to tell me so! <3

And no need to choose between us, right? That's the beauty of being in a world full of stories!

[asecretvice]

hello. I just wanted to say thank you for your writing. I uh. just won a school award for my poetry and I never would have started writing or loving poetry if it wasn't for "and this, your living kiss"

genuinely, thank you so much. your writing and your poems changed me.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! THAT'S AMAZING! Oh, how it makes the world feel so much brighter to know you're out there sharing your voice! I'm glad of it, and glad, too, that there are those around you who see the beauty in it enough to let you know.

That my fic had some small part to play in your journey is humbling indeed. It is so kind of you to tell me so. I hope you can see that if my words have the power to change you, your words hold that same power to change others--and if you understand that, you must understand how much this ask means to me.

Thank you <3

[asecretvice]

I bought On The Road while I was in a thrift store the other day purely because “And This, Your Living Kiss” has been on my mind for years. Twas my first bookmark on Ao3 and I go and re read it every couple months. Bless you for creating that piece of art.

Oh, I would be so interested to hear what you think of the book! I hope that, despite its foibles, you can find something beautiful in it.

Your kind words really do mean so much. That you enjoy my story enough to bookmark and reread it multiple times...?! What more could a writer possibly ask for??? What delight! Thank you <3

[asecretvice]

Hello,

I really enjoyed your fic “And this, your living kiss”, which I find one of the best fanfics I’ve read in this fandom ❤️

I was wondering if you had written any “original” poetry, as what you wrote for the fic was amazing

Thank you so much! I'm so happy you enjoyed my fic <3

I don't have any published poetry, if that's what you're asking, alas. But maybe someday. It means a lot that you liked my poetry--that I could connect with you via my writing is so incredible to hear.

Thanks again for the lovely message!