Saying negative things, even jokingly, conditions your brain to choose those negative things by default. It slowly escalates to saying it to others. And then then you start to actually mean it.
Similarly, the actions you choose when you need to cope with something, conditions your reflexes and helps you exercise your self control. It's why practicing those silly things from therapy and DBT is so important, even if they feel stupid.
It's very important to choose healthy coping methods. "Opposite action" is one I use a lot.
For casual joking as a coping mechanism, choose positive things instead of negative. Instead of "haha i should just kms", say "haha I'm the best at this." Say it even though it's cringe. Say it even if you don't genuinely believe you're good. Even though your world is falling apart and you're crying for help.
If you're always self-loathing, give yourself some gentleness. Instead of saying "I'm just awful," say "I'm struggling." Say it quietly. Say it shakily. Say it with hesitation. Say it with the ache in your chest that you desperately want someone to see your true pain.
Instead of choosing a punching bag or screaming into a pillow, choose deliberate gentleness, quiet speaking, silence, and breathing. Do it shaking. Do it with your whole body tense and your teeth clenched and your breathing ragged. Do it even though you want that cathartic release.
During a depressive episode, where you want to shut away and never move... Push yourself to sit up. Slide to the edge of your bed. Put your feet on the floor. Stand up. One tiny little thing at a time.
Opposite Action is a DBT coping technique. When you have the impulse to do something bad or negative...choose the opposite. Because oftentime, your default choice is to give in to learned, "safe" behaviors. The only way out is to learn healthy behaviors, and practice the shit out of them.
vvvvv My own personal struggle (cw: violence and anger) vvvvv
I'm predisposed to violent tendencies. I have BPD, so I get bouts of explosive anger, and controlling my actions is damn near impossible sometimes. People would look at my anger and say, "Why not get a punching bag or pick up boxing to vent your frustrations?" Well...because, to me, that would condition my mind and body to use violence as soon as I got angry. Because with BPD, when your emotions get heightened and intensely out of control, your actions are almost always impulsive. Impulse control goes out the window. When that happens, everything is reflex. And with conditioning myself to choose punching something as a means of venting, it would mean in those intense moments, I would be choosing violence. And I don't want to do become that. Not ever again.
Meds help dampen the intensity, and that helps me to have better control of my actions and impulse control.
I use to slam doors and other objects. I would walk away when I'm angry so I didn't scream and yell. But this conditioned my wife that she should stay out of my way when I'm angry. I never laid a hand on her, yet she was afraid of me. Afraid of making me angry. She saw what I did to those doors and inanimate objects, and I wasn't always even mad at *those things.* So what would I do if she were to make me angry? I'd conditioned her to be afraid of me. I taught her that I was to be feared. Even if, to me, I was just "venting" my frustrations.
But when I saw what it was doing to her, I felt like a monster.
So I decided to change.
Instead of slamming things, I would freeze and deliberately, carefully set the object down or close the door gently and quietly, breathing and shaking the whole time.
When I was mad at her specifically, I would choose to touch her. Take her hand, hug her, kiss her hand, anything. Squeeze her tight. Grip her shirt. Just breathe.
This was me conditioning myself to be kinder. Gentler.
If I had chosen the punching bag or boxing as a means to vent frustration, well...
I dont like to think about what I would have become.
so for opposite-action therapy the recommendation is to do the opposite of the emotion, like where depression wants you to isolate so it can be helpful to go out and see people
for all-or-nothing behavior, the opposite action is finding the middle ground
want to avoid the problem or pull an all nighter to address it? start the work and set it up for future you to have an easier time, and get some sleep
i find a similar thing works for “shoulds”. The opposite of should is action:
i should do laundry -> i want to do laundry (or have it done with) so I’ll do the first step of this action (getting up/gathering dirty clothes/setting a timer/sitting in the laundry room/insert action)
i should be studying -> i am resting (or set a timer til time to study/plan a meeting time for study group/open the study materials/set a five minute timer and see what you can learn in that time/text a friend what you’re learning about in class and explain it to them)
Any advice for when ur going through an Episode where I wanna cut off all contact w anyone close to me to be self destructive and to hurt other people in my life? I know I shouldn’t but it’s taking everything in me not to.
opposite action time anon
our instinct when were upset is to punish and hurt ourselves more, isolate and push everyone away so were even more lonely, because were conditioned through abuse to think that that's what's we deserve. our instincts want us to be miserable
fight that instinct the same way u would fight it if it was someone else trying to tell u to do that and do the exact opposite. if ur feeling lonely and want to isolate urself, acknowledge that that probably means one of ur needs isnt being met. like ur need for reassurance or attention or company. so fill that need properly. talk to people about how ur feeling, allow others to be there for u, dont expect them to fix everything but also dont punish urself by nuking them. even just hanging out with ppl like normal and focusing on things u enjoy with them can help
