Saying negative things, even jokingly, conditions your brain to choose those negative things by default. It slowly escalates to saying it to others. And then then you start to actually mean it.
Similarly, the actions you choose when you need to cope with something, conditions your reflexes and helps you exercise your self control. It's why practicing those silly things from therapy and DBT is so important, even if they feel stupid.
It's very important to choose healthy coping methods. "Opposite action" is one I use a lot.
For casual joking as a coping mechanism, choose positive things instead of negative. Instead of "haha i should just kms", say "haha I'm the best at this." Say it even though it's cringe. Say it even if you don't genuinely believe you're good. Even though your world is falling apart and you're crying for help.
If you're always self-loathing, give yourself some gentleness. Instead of saying "I'm just awful," say "I'm struggling." Say it quietly. Say it shakily. Say it with hesitation. Say it with the ache in your chest that you desperately want someone to see your true pain.
Instead of choosing a punching bag or screaming into a pillow, choose deliberate gentleness, quiet speaking, silence, and breathing. Do it shaking. Do it with your whole body tense and your teeth clenched and your breathing ragged. Do it even though you want that cathartic release.
During a depressive episode, where you want to shut away and never move... Push yourself to sit up. Slide to the edge of your bed. Put your feet on the floor. Stand up. One tiny little thing at a time.
Opposite Action is a DBT coping technique. When you have the impulse to do something bad or negative...choose the opposite. Because oftentime, your default choice is to give in to learned, "safe" behaviors. The only way out is to learn healthy behaviors, and practice the shit out of them.
vvvvv My own personal struggle (cw: violence and anger) vvvvv
I'm predisposed to violent tendencies. I have BPD, so I get bouts of explosive anger, and controlling my actions is damn near impossible sometimes. People would look at my anger and say, "Why not get a punching bag or pick up boxing to vent your frustrations?" Well...because, to me, that would condition my mind and body to use violence as soon as I got angry. Because with BPD, when your emotions get heightened and intensely out of control, your actions are almost always impulsive. Impulse control goes out the window. When that happens, everything is reflex. And with conditioning myself to choose punching something as a means of venting, it would mean in those intense moments, I would be choosing violence. And I don't want to do become that. Not ever again.
Meds help dampen the intensity, and that helps me to have better control of my actions and impulse control.
I use to slam doors and other objects. I would walk away when I'm angry so I didn't scream and yell. But this conditioned my wife that she should stay out of my way when I'm angry. I never laid a hand on her, yet she was afraid of me. Afraid of making me angry. She saw what I did to those doors and inanimate objects, and I wasn't always even mad at *those things.* So what would I do if she were to make me angry? I'd conditioned her to be afraid of me. I taught her that I was to be feared. Even if, to me, I was just "venting" my frustrations.
But when I saw what it was doing to her, I felt like a monster.
So I decided to change.
Instead of slamming things, I would freeze and deliberately, carefully set the object down or close the door gently and quietly, breathing and shaking the whole time.
When I was mad at her specifically, I would choose to touch her. Take her hand, hug her, kiss her hand, anything. Squeeze her tight. Grip her shirt. Just breathe.
This was me conditioning myself to be kinder. Gentler.
If I had chosen the punching bag or boxing as a means to vent frustration, well...
I dont like to think about what I would have become.
So, i received conflicting information and im trying to figure something out.
Labels. Identities. Labels you identify with.
If a label doesn't fit you, you dont use it, right? Labels are "opt-in", you choose them. You get to choose how you identify. It's a choice.
But. You can't change who you are, you can only use labels to define who you are so people can understand what you're about.
If there happens to be a label that matched your description, but there are pieces of that description that you disagree with, what do you do?
Do you use the label anyway, and specify you aren't THOSE pieces?
Or do you find a different label for yourself?
Or do you forego labels altogether?
Im too tired for this bullshit. Ive always hated labels because no one label fit well enough to define who I am. I started using them because people here would use them, and specifying "lol not THAT part tho"
But it's all an us vs them. Faction verses faction. "Oh ew you're one of those" No, I am not, because there's a lot about parts of the label that I disagree with, but based on your judgement alone I'm gonna go with "i certainly aint whatever you are either"
Im having an autistic fucking meltdown because people dont use the actual definition of things because "society" tacks on all this extra bullshit meaning to simple WORDS like what the fuck do you mean I can't day "its fine" because everyone around me will think im pissed off??
I try to stay out of discourse shit because i always say something to offend a lot of people even if I think it's a perfectly logical take
In my defense, im fucking autistic. Im also a bit slow in understanding complex topics. And I tend to be an asshole without realizing it til later
vvv Rant vvv
I use the literal textbook definition of words and terms and labels and symbols and concepts and all that
But those literal definitions are not always the "true meaning" of those things. These things are all human concepts that have been assigned meaning and, over time, that meaning is solidified in some form of official capacity. But because these things are all fluid, humans are capable of changing the meaning of literally anything.
For someone who is so literal, I oftentimes get myself in trouble by prattling out the literal definition of something and being confidently incorrect and i end up boasting about it or putting down the other person for "not knowing" (bc im an asshole like that. wish i wasnt, been working actively on not being an asshole)
I struggle to keep up with the societal meanings of some of these. Especially when some people choose to wear some of these proudly.
For example. There are words that were once proudly used, but have since become slurs. A lot of older people in these spaces who were a part of these groups before these were slurs, still use them as their defining terms. Newer generations have begun reclaiming these terms as their own. But going by the textbook definition of these terms alone, these words are not slurs.
Admittedly, I had no idea some words had become slurs. Definitely shows my age there. But, Humans are crafty. Anything can become a slur, and sometimes very fast too. And with someone who doesn't participate in society or social circles, it's difficult to keep up with the latest trends in the "true meaning of things".
It's really frustrating.
It makes me feel like i speak a totally different language than everyone else and this one is my second language.
I get frustrated with people who don't use words for their actual definition. And i see this most common with controversial topics, too. So when I try to put in my two cents, it's always shut down as bigotry. Because it's actually just that the words I used are misunderstood bc im using the literal definition of those words rather than what everyone else uses them for.
Im so sick and tired of being misunderstood.
So i just...dont participate anymore. I dont engage in those topics in any meaningful way because I dont know with 100% certainty that what I have to say is even "correct". So many people take the stance of "if you arent in that group, then dont talk".
Jus earned myself a block somehow? They even replied to my note, and then blocked me and deleted it before i could even read it. Lol. Don't even know what i did. Ahh well. Block n move on i guess?
