“I didn’t let myself admit that.” He whispers after. “I knew. Have know for awhile. But, I couldn’t admit it.”
“Because of Anna?” she asks as runs her hands down his arms, finding his hands. He links them and turns them on their sides, her cradled against him.
“Aye, but not because I didn’t want you taking her place. I didn’t want anyone. Because I feared being hurt like that again. I spent a year in a deep depression. My family feared I wouldn’t come out of it. They told me later that they worried I would commit suicide.”
“Oh Jamie. Did you think about it?” His sigh is answer enough but he says,
“Yes. Not for long. I couldn’t leave my family like that. But, I did seriously think about it. To stop the pain.”
“I am so very glad you didn’t.” he feels her shake against him. His hands tighten in hers before he lets them go to draw her close.
“I am too. But, you see why I feared that type of pain again?”
“I do. I wish I could promise you I will never die on you. I can promise I will never leave you as long as I live, as long as you want me.”
“I will never ask you to go. Ah Claire, I never thought I would love again. That I would ever find anyone who I could trust my heart to. That I would risk this pain again for.”
“I never thought I would trust a man after Frank. I never thought I would know what real love is. I thought I did with him but.”
“Not love.” He says against the softness of her hair. “Not even like. I truly don't even think he likes himself, not that is an excuse. There is no excuse, ever for treating a lady like that.”
“When I was running that day, when I saw you, your hand lifted, your eyes wide as I ran towards you; something deeper then reason drew me to you. I just knew if I could reach you, I would be safe.”
“Aye, you will always be as long as I live. I am still raging that he was able to touch you again.” He lifted her head and ran his finger over her bruise. His eyes stormy with rage.
“I don't blame you, you know?”
“Aye love, I know. I blame myself. He will pay for it, I promise you.”
“I just want free. Free to have a future with you.”
“Yes, We and Ned will see to it. I promise. We will be free, to marry, to have bairns.”
“Yes.” She smiles at the thought of bearing their child. Then something hits her. She stills completely. He feels the change in her.
She feels it. The sweat of their excretion and the combined fluid of their orgasm. She was on absolutely nothing.
“Jamie, my pills are still at his house. I am on nothing. We used nothing.”