“I Am Not Cute!”
Adam Parrish hates it when they call him cute.
Who is they? His boyfriend, his friends, girls at university, colleges at his part time job. And at first he doesn`t understand why that it.
He doesn`t understand why it leaves a weird feeling in his stomach when Ronan calls him “My pretty boy” or why the whispered “He is adorable~” leave him feeling sick. He does not understand why it is different when Blue calls him cute, than when Gansey calls him pretty.
And then it hits him. But he understands at the worst moment imaginable. He understands while he is fighting with Ronan about something dumb, something insignificant that no longer is insignificant.
It begins with Ronan yelling “If you could wrap your stupidly pretty head around it!” and ends with Adam ranting:
“I am not cute, Ronan. I am not pretty. Or adorable. I am Adam Fucking Parrish, self-made man. I am myself, and I am strong. I am a survivor and not some dumb stuffed animal! And most importantly I am not Fragile!
Because I did not break, I did safe myself, I fought my way out of Henrietta and that does not make me cute - because cute is some dumb heterosexual idea of one is scary, one is nice. Because calling me pretty instead of handsome, is the question `Who is the Girl?’ but in nice clothing. Because it always means, that they look at us and see scary Ronan Lynch and fragile Adam Parrish who needs saving.
And I don`t. I made sure of that. I became who I am, I am with who I am, maybe despite my upbringing, but also because of it. I am a fighter. And when nobody can see that, how makes that feel me?
Like I am not enough. Like, hey, you are not a man, you are a doll. And call it toxic masculinity or sexism in a hat but I am more than a pretty face: I am Adam Fucking Parrish. And I did not survive for you to look at me and call me cute.
Because nothing while surviving was cute. It was gritty, and hard, and in the weirdest way possible, fucking worth it. And some day, maybe, I want to be the pretty one. But right now?
Right now, I want people - and you - to look at me - at us - and see a strong man. Someone capable of saving themselves and not just the eye-candy to the epitome of masculinity.
It would be like people looking at you and saying ‘Oh, you had a pretty intense emo phase, didn’t you?’ no. You were depressed. And people belittling it makes it worse not better.
And it feels like that, when you say I am cute. Because then I am suddenly just that. And I don`t want to be one thing. I want to be me; Adam Parrish.
And I am Not Cute”
Ronan might just get it.