I honestly can't handle the way things are going, esp in my mind. I've wanted to write an entry in my notebook, because I want people to remember me, ya know? But I know I'm surviving a pandemic, and I feel like I'm getting really bad again to the point I feel stuck. I want to ask for help, I want my mom to realize I need actual help, but at the same time I feel like that's gonna take up all of the goddamn energy I've been trying to save the last years. I can barely get up in the morning and the only reason I do is just so I can take the antibiotic to take away the UTI I've had the past year, so I can be out of pain from that. But nothing helps for long or how I actually feel that's not physically chronic. I can't sleep. I can't sit or lay still. I can barely eat and I have to force myself. I feel like there's no reason to keep in contact with anyone, because people leave so often, like Max did, and in the long run, years, decades, centuries from now, I'm not gonna be remembered at all.
The only thing people will have as proof I exist now is all the notebooks I have an never finish, which is the only reason I'm trying to keep my current one updated. But my mental health is shit and I'm trying to do all I can to keep myself alive even though I'd rather not be.