#orientation does not equal behavior

[sorrynotsorrybi]

Orientation is just that: you are oriented towards certain genders, all genders, or no genders. It has jack shit to do with what you DO. It’s only about what you’re oriented towards. I wish more people understood this, because it would help with a lot of the crappy stuff bi and ace people deal with where we’re somehow supposed to “prove” our orientation by our behavior. But that’s a false premise, since (say it with me folks) ...

orientation is not the same as behavior

[sorrynotsorrybi]

"You can be married and monogamous and still be bi."

<image is of diagonal blue, purple and pink with the above phrase in lavender block letters>

[sorrynotsorrybi]

"No one can tell you your orientation but you" "Orientation is about attraction, not behavior"

[sorrynotsorrybi]

for the purple-red scale, when it first was going around I know a lot of aromantics and asexuals spoke out against it because of it's incorrect definitions and its mix of attraction and behavior, among other problems. it's one of those things that looks like it might work with the asexual and aromantic communities but actually goes against a lot of what gets talked about there.

Yeah it didn’t feel right to me because it seemed to conflate aromanticism with hypersexuality, and those are not the same thing (here’s the post for reference). You’re totally right that it mixes attraction and behavior. I don’t get the purpose, since it doesn’t really add info that a label doesn’t also convey, plus the whole attraction/behavior thing perpetuates problems and stereotypes for bi folks as well as ace/aro folks. So moral of the story is I’m not a fan.

I'm bi and I've only ever dated guys, but ever since I've accepted myself I've never doubted that I'm bi - you're not alone, anon!

[sorrynotsorrybi]

^^^

[sorrynotsorrybi]

I saw that post re: bisexuals can't be in heterosexual relationships and I'm not sure I understand. The way I always saw it was that bisexuals can be in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships, because the qualifier of the different relationships is the genders involved? Like, I'm gay but if I were dating a woman it would be a heterosexual relationship even if I'm homosexual?? I get the idea and what you're saying, that they're bisexual regardless still but the relationship being bisexual

doesn’t make sense to me! Would you be able to help clarify? Sorry for bothering (fin)

No problem! So bisexual people can’t be in heterosexual relationships, but neither can heterosexual people. Because relationships can’t have orientations. 

Sexual/romantic orientations describe a person’s inner experience of attraction, which may or may not match up to a person’s behavior. You can’t tell a person’s orientation from looking at them or their relationships, because orientation is not about behavior - it’s about an inner emotional experience of attraction (or lack thereof) to various genders. Relationships are inanimate social constructs and therefore can’t have an inner experience of attraction, so it’s a little silly to apply an orientation label to a relationship. 

You could certainly say “same-gender” and “different-gender” relationships to describe a person’s relationship, as long as you are sure of the gender identities of the people involved. It might seem like just semantics, but it makes a difference for those of us who are often excluded from the LGBTQ community when people see us as “basically hetero” due to our relationships. When people assume our orientations from outward signs it implies that we feel doesn’t count, which is problematic for multi-gender attracted folks, because our behavior will almost never align with all our inner feelings of attraction (unless we’re in a polyamorous relationship with someone of each gender we are attracted to, which is pretty rare).

Really it’s good for everyone if we don’t label relationships as orientations or assume the orientations of the people involved, because it erases people’s orientations, and can also erase gender identities. For example, a gay man could be attracted to a man or nonbinary person who society reads as a woman. Labeling that relationship as “heterosexual” erases the orientations and gender identities of the people involved. Ultimately I’d love for us to move away from assuming anyone’s gender identity or orientation, to include those of us who don’t fall in either/or categories for orientation or gender. 

[sorrynotsorrybi]

Shout-out to bi folks who didn’t discover their orientation until after committing to monogamous relationships

Your identity is valid even if you’ve only had relationships with one gender. You don’t have to risk your relationship in order to confirm your attractions to other genders, if that’s not the right decision for you and your partner. You don’t need to prove anything. Orientation =/= behavior.

You are valid and part of the bi community. 

[sorrynotsorrybi]

sorry to bother u, but im really need to ask something. so, a few days ago you reblogged that post about bisexuals in het relationships, and i was confused because i always assumed that if i dated a guy, the RELATIONSHIP would be seen as het, even though i identify as bi, and if i dated a girl then the relationship would be a lesbian one. is this one of those biphobic things thats we do without even realizing? could i call any relationship with me a "queer" one then?

Hey there! Many of us in the bi community are uncomfortable with people labeling relationships with orientations, because if you think about it, relationships can’t have an orientation: an orientation has to do with feelings of attraction, and a relationship is not a person, so it can’t have feelings. Does that make sense? Orientation is about internal feelings of attraction, NOT behavior, and relationships have no internal feelings/attractions/desires to label. 

The people in the relationship can have orientations, however, but you can’t always tell what those orientations are by looking at a relationship. And when relationships are labeled, it can erase those individuals’ orientations. We’ve also noticed that this is often done to multi-gender attracted people to invalidate our orientations and/or our place in the lgbtqiap+ community. So yes, it can be an internalized biphobia thing, or just a habit that we’ve picked up from others who may be biphobic. 

While the logic still holds that relationships can’t have an orientation, in order to combat bi erasure I think it’s fine to refer to your relationships as “queer” as long as your partner is fine with having that word used in relation to them (queer is a reclaimed slur and not everyone is comfortable with it). That’s why I use the tag “any relationship with me in it is not straight” - I want to remind people that my identity is not invalidated just because of who I may be dating at the moment. But then I can run into the problem if I’m dating a woman that we get called a “lesbian relationship,” because any relationship with me in it is not lesbian, either. Ultimately, I’d love it if we didn’t have to do this at all, because it really is silly to label a non-sentient concept.