ORIGIN RECORD — AUTHOR NOTE
Status: Unindexed / inspiration material
Source: personal notes
Related Entity: Eloy/Themis
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Authors Comment:
(DRAFT FROM MARCH)
The following entry is based on a personal note written a few years ago.
It does not represent a direct one-to-one mapping to any character.
However, it reflects the divergence between Eloy and Themis, their respective alignment with paternal authority and the conditions under which attachment and expectation become intertwine
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Fragment:
I keep wondering whether it’s my dream or his.
Am I doing this because I want to
or because I know he wants me to?
The problem is;
I think both are true.
At the same time.
I keep thinking about my sister.
We were raised under the same pressure.
Same expectations.
Same father.
And still, we turned out completely different.
“Like day and night,” grandma said once.
That doesn’t surprise me.
She fits into the world easily.
She has friends.
She moves through people without hesitation.
She knows how to stand her ground.
I don’t.
But I was good in school.
Good at university.
Good at the things that mattered to him.
That’s where it becomes complicated.
The comparisons.
The ones he makes.
The ones we make ourselves.
And I don’t understand them.
If we come from the same place,
why are we measured as if we don’t?
But it works.
Not loudly.
Not violently.
Subtly.
And that’s enough.
It destabilizes me.
Because I love her.
And despite everything...
I love him too.
That’s what makes it difficult.
Not the pressure.
The attachment.
It’s not unconditional.
Maybe he can’t do that.
Maybe he never learned how.
He sat down with me once.
Told me I should continue.
That it would be a waste if I didn’t.
That I could be the only one in the family to “become something.”
Become something.
Become something.
Become something?
What does that even mean.
If she left university...
does that make her nothing?
If I stopped...
would I become nothing too?
What am I
without performance?
The strange part is:
I did enroll.
Not just because of him.
I like studying.
I like learning.
Analyzing.
Writing.
But also...
because he said it would be a waste if I didn’t.
And that’s his way of saying
he believes in me.
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Conclusion:
Choice and expectation
can become indistinguishable.