This one fits well with my current wip, the fantasy au, and I thought of this idea when I saw the card on the list. The card meaning of divided loyalty I thought works well with the fic. The vibe is a battlefield but backgrounds aren't my strong suit so hence the smoky bg 😅
Side note: obviously this was designed before the phlondening, so Phil is still dark haired here lol. Card meaning below the cut
Programs: Sketchbook, InCollage
Two of Swords Upright Tarot Card Key Meanings:
Stalemate, truce, sitting on the fence, cross roads, difficult decisions, painful choices, stressful decisions, opposition, facing your fears, being torn between two relationships, divided loyalty, being caught in the middle, denial, blindness, inability to see the truth, avoidance, blocked emotions
Two of Swords Reversed Tarot Card Key Meanings:
Indecision, delays, postponements, seeing the truth, lies being exposed, overwhelming fears/worry/ anxiety/ stress, information overload, overly cautious, emotional turmoil, mental turmoil, holding onto anxiety or resentment, emotional detachment, emotional coldness, being emotionally guarded
Two of Swords minor arcana tarot card meaning & reversed card meaning in the context of love, relationships, money, career, health & spiritu
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 1: Somebody to Love
June 2005
Phil threw himself onto his bed and looked around at his neon green walls and carpet thinking how little time he had left in his childhood bedroom. He had one last summer in his hometown before uprooting his entire life and moving to York for uni. It was weird, in a way, to be in this sort of limbo where his basic education was over; he no longer felt like a child but didn’t feel like an adult either. It could be because he didn’t feel like he was fully himself, not to anyone he knew - not even his friends.
Could he really call them his friends if they didn’t know who he truly was, if he couldn’t share his attraction to boys like the others shared their crushes on girls and their flings? Maybe it wasn’t fair to think of them as near strangers, it was not their fault that he didn’t feel ready to talk about it. They had all been there for him his entire childhood and he still wasn’t ready. That was on him.
On the other hand, York presented him with a new opportunity, a chance to live his true life and finally get a boyfriend. That’s all he wanted, just - someone to cuddle with. Ok, also other stuff, but he wanted a proper boyfriend. It didn’t hurt to start looking now though.
Phil sat up and reached for his laptop, lifting the screen and connecting to the internet. He clicked on the Explorer icon and waited for everything to load for a few minutes. He logged into a random Yahoo chat room as per usual and greeted the 60 strangers chatting and sending emojis in the hopes of catching someone’s attention.
Snowdude: Hi. Anyone around 18? ;)
A private window popped up immediately.
DanTheMan: hi snowdude XD i’m dan
Snowdude: Hi. als?
DanTheMan: 16/m/reading. u?
Phil hesitated for a moment. It wasn’t often that dudes messaged him. Still, “Dan” was too young and still in school. Well, he didn’t have anything better to do than speak to him.
Snowdude: 18 m York. Are you in school?
DanTheMan: yeah just the A lvls to go. What’s ur favourrtie game?
Phil’s eyebrows shot up at the typo and he snorted.
Snowdude: Final Fantasy 7 is ace.
DanTheMan: ace XD favourite show?
Snowdude: Buffy obviously. What is this, an interview? What’s your favourite subject in school?
DanTheMan: ouch, geography and psych and theatre.
Snowdude: hate geo, you act?
DanTheMan: don’t laugh. i always have but i’m cool.
Snowdude: nothing wrong with it. I’m a terrible actor.
Looking at his ceiling, Phil felt bad for making Dan feel insecure by bringing up school, pointedly marking their age difference. He knew what it was like to be looked down upon by the older kids. He quickly typed another message.
Snowdude: I signed up to art because I thought it would be easy and almost failed. Seems like i suck at art.
DanTheMan: ROFL. ur weird.
DanTheMan: let’s be friends.
Snowdude: Lesbifriends
DanTheMan: forget it lol. I regret asking.
Snowdude: noooooooooooo
DanTheMan: i have to go my mums calling. add me on msn i’m [email protected]
Snowdude: Rawr xD. ACe. Good luck with homework
DanTheMan: fuckoff with your capitalistion and good grammra ttyl
And just like that, Dan exited their chat. Phil smiled and logged into MSN, hesitating only for a second before adding his new friend.
Ian opened their conversation with a buzz as per usual and invited him over to play games with the girls. He hesitated, but another notification popped up and it brought a smile to his face.
GoThic chiK (Anja): coming or not phL?
Phil rolled his eyes, at least Anja would be there and even if he didn’t like girls like that, Anja was always cool. She was like a girl, but also not. Well, she was a girl of course, but she felt like a guy, but not - like him. He didn’t fit in as the kind of man his dad wanted to see in his son and Anja didn’t impress her mother either. Maybe they were losers but they still had each other.
Phil Strikr: omw Annie tell Ian
GoTik chiK (Anja): told you to stop butcherin ma name.
Phil laughed and sent her a buzz before logging out and getting into his favourite blue jeans and a green T-shirt.
--
The night went by in a breeze, with loads of pizza, drinking and a few rounds of TEG that ended in disaster. He mostly enjoyed it until the topic of dating came up yet again. All the guys had some sort of girlfriend or arrangement and Phil had barely anything to show for. For the umpteenth time, Phil considered coming out to them but he could never bring himself to do it. Maybe one of these days when he was drunk enough.
“Phil, Phil!” Someone said.
Anja snapped her fingers in front of his eyes, startling him and causing him to drop the dice he had been shaking for who knows how long. “Mate, what is it with you today?”
“Uh, nothing. I was just thinking about Buffy,” he said.
Anja gave him a look that let him know she was not buying it, but the rest rolled their eyes and continued with their conversation. For a moment Phil thought he was off the hook but Ian looked at him expectantly.
“What?” Phil asked.
Ian sighed heavily. “Sandra asked about you again, mate. When are you going to ask her out?”
Phil tried not to look like a deer caught in the headlights. “I think it would be weird to date your cousin, we are like brothers at this point.”
Ian snorted and shook his head. “We are like brothers but not actually. It’s not like incest or anything.”
“Ew, don’t say that,” Phil said, paling at the thought of Sandra and her wandering hands. He was not going to repeat the mistake of asking her out. One sloppy kiss was more than enough.
Richard, Noah and Keith laughed at the face he pulled but Ian merely smiled at him.
“Oi! Phil is mine, let him be,” Anja said, shuffling closer to him and resting her hand on his thigh.
Phil’s eyes widened but she gave him a small wink before looking back at their friends.
“What? Are you his girlfriend now?” asked Richard with a frown.
“Yeah,” she said, looking uncomfortable at the question. Anja didn’t like Richard like that, she loved him as a friend, but he had a huge crush on her and he was terrible at hiding it. Phil didn’t need to read her mind to know she didn’t want to break his heart or risk their friendship but it was bound to happen eventually.
Wrapping his arm around Anja’s waist loosely, he set his head on her shoulder. “Tell Sandra I’m taken,” Phil said and Anja relaxed against him, letting her head gently rest on his.
Richard looked disappointed but didn’t press the issue any further.
Eventually, the board games stopped being fun and the alcohol ran out so they declared the party over. As soon as Phil said goodbye and stood from his spot Anja followed him, making the others laugh and howl at them, half whispering about what they were going to do in Phil’s bedroom.
Once they were out, Phil turned to look at her. “Do you want me to walk you home?” He asked, hopefully.
“Nah, I was expecting to crash in your bed.” She began the walk back home and Phil followed her.
“What?” Phil squeaked.
Anja laughed and turned towards him, but her eyes looked a bit misty. “Don’t be daft, it’s not that.” She poked him gently, looking into his eyes. “I just feel sad and I don’t wanna be alone right now. I know I can trust you like that.”
“Alright,” Phil said, still walking at her side. “Do you want to talk about it? What happened?”
Anja looked away from him, her eyes focusing on the moon for a moment as she spoke. “I was dating someone but they are not sure about it anymore and it sucks.”
Phil stopped walking and pulled her into a hug. “An- you know you can tell me anything, come stay with me too.”
“I know.” She returned the hug tightly only for a moment before stepping back. “Come on!” She said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along. “Kath will be fuming if we are not there before midnight.”
He snorted and laced their fingers together. “I’ll tell my mum you call her Kath behind her back one day, you know?”
“Meh,” Anja shrugged. “She loves me. I’ll live.”
They stayed silent for most of the 20 minute walk home and had to sneak in, but soon enough they were in his room. Phil gave Anja a big T-shirt and a pair of joggers and slipped into his own pyjamas while she changed in the bathroom.
Five minutes later they were looking up at the ceiling as they lay under the covers in the small bed.
“Hey, Phil?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Richard will get over his crush eventually?”
Phil turned on his side to look at her. “Probably, he has gotten over the others.”
She nodded. “Are you seeing anyone that you haven’t told us about?” she asked in a drastic change of topic.
Phil sputtered. “As if anyone would be interested.”
“You have pretty eyes and perfect eyebrows. I wish I had your eyebrows,” Anja said. “You should dye your hair black though, it would make your eyes pop.”
“I don’t know… Would you do it for me?”
“Of course, ginge,” She laughed.
“I’m not a ginger!” Phil whined.
“Course not.” She poked at his stomach. “Good night.”
“Good night, An,” he said and shut his eyes, letting sleep claim him.
---
It was a weird summer. Anja remained sad for the majority of it but refused to talk about her boyfriend, choosing to focus on giving Phil an extreme makeover instead. She dyed his hair black, took him to the mall to pick up black skinny jeans and to the stylist that had given her her emo haircut to tame his mane.
By the end of it, Phil had perfected a nice image for his MySpace page. He had even ventured into eyeliner for some pictures when he’d gotten bored waiting for Anja to get ready for a party. He’d enjoyed the results and even Ian and the guys said it looked cool on him. Even Dan thought he looked really cool when he saw the pics.
He got to talk to Dan quite a few times as well before going off to uni and caught up with life. It was amazing to learn that they were actually super compatible, liking many of the same games, music and shows. The best part was that Dan said there was a chance he would go to York like him so they could hang out and Phil liked the sound of that, even if Dan was still a full year away from it. Dan was honestly super cool and Phil really had come to consider him a friend in the last few months so it would be super fun to have someone close to hang out and play games with. It sounded like a great plan.
Daydreaming about their potential meet-up was a nice distraction from Dan’s home life, which seemed to be in constant turmoil as Phil came to find over time. There was a reason Dan barely mentioned his younger brother and he had vaguely complained about his father’s rage issues, so Phil always let Dan talk first, and let whatever was troubling him be aired so that he could offer his support or advice if it was needed. Phil also shared some of his issues and insecurities, but his problems were not nearly as bad as Dan’s so he tried to keep things on the positive side and help Dan out.
But Phil wasn’t expecting to catch Dan in a lie only weeks later. As it turned out, Dan had never been 16, he was a 14 year old kid. It was a silly lie, but it still hurt Phil, so he asked Dan to never lie to him again. Dan was very apologetic and begged him not to break their friendship, which Phil had briefly considered, but decided against, especially because of the kind of bullying Dan suffered at school on the regular. After the initial shock had worn off, Phil reassured him that they could be friends, even if they would have to be long distance.
Dan deserved to have supportive friends. He needed someone to be there for him and Phil knew he could be that someone. At an appropriate distance, of course.
It was a bit of a rough patch between them, but after they had resolved the issue, life went on as usual. Phil dived head first into his uni life and there were so many changes. He moved into the dorm and met new people at uni, but sadly, he wasn’t able to stay in touch with his friends back home as much as he’d have liked due to his schedule. In a way, he had inadvertently severed most contact with his life back home, but no matter how much things changed, some stayed the same: his lack of a love life and being trapped in the closet.
He decided that it was time to take his life by the horns and that marked the beginning of a new chapter for him, an exploring phase of sorts. After some consideration, he opened a profile on a dating website, hoping to find a nice guy he could date. His new look did seem to help a lot, but his popularity applied mostly to MySpace. The dating scene seemed a bit dry, or maybe he was just too awkward. There weren't a bunch of messages flooding his inbox by any means.
To be honest, he was starting to get really discouraged, thinking he would never meet someone, but his luck finally changed on a mighty weekend when in a hidden corner of a pub, he got his first taste of freedom. He was blonde and tall and three years older than Phil and his lips were on Phil’s, quickly taking him to heaven, making his blood rush south and his stomach tingle. His hands were inside Phil’s T-shirt and struggling with his jeans’ zipper in less than five minutes. It wasn’t too rough or something that Phil didn’t want, but the speed of it all scared him a bit. It was too much too soon and he wasn’t ready even though he wanted to be, so he took a step back and apologised.
“I’m sorry,” he said, still trying to catch his breath. “Listen, I’m not out yet, not even to my friends back home, my new uni friends or my roommates.”
The guy nodded and smiled at him. “That’s alright,” he said. “Could I get your phone number? Maybe we can meet up some other time.”
Phil nodded and saved it in the other’s phone, but he was not going to trick himself into thinking he was going to get a text. His chances were slim.
They parted ways with a quick kiss, which surprised Phil. He let out a deep sigh as he watched the blonde disappear into the crowd and surveyed the pub in search of his friends.
Towering over most people did come in handy and allowed him to locate his roommates in under a minute. Phil tried to put on a brave smile as he made his way to them and accepted a beer, taking a zip and groaning at the bitter taste. It was performative and he knew it, but he didn’t know what else to do, so he followed along with what everyone was doing. He got drunk - and even made out with a girl briefly just out of boredom.
He felt nothing, nothing at all, but his roommates cheered him on and the girl seemed happy enough.
That made one of them.
--
Once back in his room, Phil put his phone to charge and turned it on. There were a few missed calls and texts from Dan, asking if he was free to talk. Phil got a bad feeling about it and tried to call him but Dan didn’t pick up. Maybe it was too late and he had fallen asleep. Biting the inside of his cheek, Phil hesitated before sending a text.
“I’m sorry I missed your calls, I was out until just now and my phone had died X.x . I’m free to talk in the morning!”
Phil lay in bed for what seemed like forever, the room spinning a bit around him, as he thought about the blonde guy, the boring night, the girl he kissed - and Dan. He wished he would have stayed home and talked to Dan, maybe played some games, or talked about school. It was sad that he got along better with a 14 year old than his own friends. What did that say about him? He fell into a fitful night of sleep just as the sun rose above the clouds.
The talk with Dan didn’t come the next day, or the following one. In fact, Dan stopped replying entirely for over a week and Phil’s stomach was twisted into knots. Over twenty messages unanswered could only mean bad news, right?
The following weekend, Phil sent yet another text: “Please, Dan. Just let me know that you are ok.”
Ten minutes later, his phone finally vibrated. “im ok. stop.”
Phil’s eyes welled up with tears. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I’ve been worried about you. I went out and had so many calls and missed texts, I thought something had happened and you needed to talk. It’s ok if you don’t want to, I just didn’t want you to think that I didn’t care. Sorry I missed your call.”
His screen lit up with a call immediately and Dan’s raspy voice greeted him on the other side. “Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s ok,” Phil said, trying to calm himself down, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He swallowed thick and attempted a small smile, even if Dan could not see it. “What did you want to talk about?”
Dan was silent for a moment, but then he let out a tired sigh. “Nothing much, it’s fine.”
“You can tell me, you know you can,” Phil said with a frown.
“Last weekend I went to the mall and I had some problems with the usual shitheads…” he trailed off.
“Did they throw rocks at you again?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t care. And on Monday -” Dan paused.
“What happened on Monday?” Phil asked, frowning at the pain he could hear in Dan’s voice.
“One of the idiots grabbed me by the neck and slapped me for like 5 minutes,” Dan mumbled. “And I know what you’re going to say, one of the teachers saw and did nothing. He even laughed.”
“Dan,” Phil said, his heart breaking for his friend. “I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve any of that. I wish I could be there to help you.”
“It’s fine,” Dan said in a monotone voice. “I didn’t react, I didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.”
“It takes a lot of courage not to fight back. You were very brave.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Dan muttered. “Almost gave them another satisfaction.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m so tired sometimes, you know? Just so tired.” Then, Dan cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’ve been staying with my grandma since Tuesday, so I’m ok.”
Phil had to clear his throat too, trying not to get choked up by what Dan was implying. “You have to get good grades so you can get into uni and we can hang out, ok?”
Dan snorted. “As if you would hang out with me. You’re cool and I’m just a 14 year old loser.”
“You’re not a loser. You’re kind, and funny, and one of the coolest people I know. I know that one day you will be a great guy. Maybe you’ll be a famous actor, like you’ve always wanted.”
“Yeah… maybe,” Dan said. “Wanna play Mario Kart later? I have homework.”
Phil looked at the time, it was already late, but a few races wouldn’t hurt. “Sure. Text me when you’re done.”
“Thanks, Phil,” Dan said and Phil could picture a little smile on his face.
“No problem. See you later.”
“Yeah. Hey, can I follow your MySpace?” Dan asked.
“You can follow me anywhere,” Phil said. “We are friends.”
“Yeah, ok,” Dan snorted. “See you later, Philly.”
Phil rolled his eyes and hung up the phone.
Letting out a deep sigh, he decided to do the “adult thing” and study a little more for the exam he had the following morning so that he could join Dan online later. It was not a lot, but he felt better now that Dan knew Phil was on his side and he cared.
That night, Phil stayed on his DS until 4, but he managed to get a passing grade on the exam anyway. He rewarded himself with a 10 hour nap afterwards.
--
All through his first term at uni, Phil tried his best to keep in touch with Dan, but with his tight study schedule, the weekends pretending to be straight and attempting to not stress himself half to death with his new chaotic life, it was getting increasingly difficult.
Before long, Phil had to make a drastic choice. Something needed to change and he knew exactly what was the worst stressor for him: his straight-sex-maniac persona. And so it was decided.
He invited his four roommates to their very limited common space and paced in the square foot of floor he had available to himself waving his hands around without uttering a word until one of the guys asked if he was ok.
No, Phil was not ok at all, he was nearly crawling up the wall, so instead of giving a carefully planned and rehearsed speech, he stopped short of the wall, turned around and said: “I lied… I am not super experienced, I don’t have a lot of sex experience. In fact, I have zero experience, because… because I’m gay. I’m sorry that I lied, I just wanted you guys to like me, you are all so cool. I wanted to be your friend. I didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand. I-”
Peter got up from the armrest of the sofa, causing Phil to take a step back just in case, and gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. “It’s ok. We are all figuring things out,” he said. “Also, Sarah will be happy to know that you are not disgusted by her presence, you’re just thick as all fuck and gay. Right, Sarah?”
“You like me?” Phil squeaked, turning towards the popular blonde girl. She was super nice and also pretty, but she was still not a guy, so there was not even a chance.
“I do. I did, but it’s ok. We can be friends,” she said with a smile.
“We can?” Phil croaked.
Sarah nodded. “You’re a good guy, Phil. Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend? And the fact that you are not opposed to a little makeup also plays in your favour.”
Peter clapped once and rushed to the fridge. He got the Malibu out of the freezer, messily pouring the alcohol into various glasses and mugs and other liquid-holding implements before turning around to face the group and raising his glass. “To Phil, the gayest emo York has ever seen - and a good friend too!” He downed his drink without waiting for anyone else.
Sarah walked over to the kitchenette and grabbed a shot glass, raising it towards Phil with an encouraging smile. “Cheers,” she said and downed her drink. She then passed a repurposed laundry detergent cap full of Malibu to Phil.
“Thank you,” he said, hoping that his eyes could convey the gratitude he felt. “Cheers,” he said and drank the entire thing.
Jimmy and Callan, who had been quiet until now, stood from the sofa and grabbed a mug each, raising them to Phil.
“To Phil, the gay emo,” said Callan with a smirk.
“We can still be friends even if you’re gay and your willy is bigger than all of ours,” Jimmy said with a nod and necked his drink.
Phil laughed. “Stop talking about my dick, Jimmy. You saw nothing!”
“I will when it stops looking back at me every time you sit,” Jimmy cackled.
Phil threw the laundry detergent cap at his head, hitting the target and causing the group to laugh.
Hours later, he crawled into his tiny bed and felt the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed rock him gently, like the waves in the sea. He let out a sigh of relief, a smile appearing on his lips as he remembered how the night had started. His coming out had been awkward but still a success. Now he could truly be himself, at least in York, and he couldn’t wait until he was able to live his life fully everywhere.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
This is basically the epilogue, thank you for joining me in this journey and I hope you enjoyed the ride.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 13: Two Man Team
January of 2019
Having spent the holidays with his family without telling them about Dan was harder than Phil had expected, but he needed to discuss the situation with Dan first. They of course knew that Dan had returned to YouTube and that they had rekindled their friendship, but Phil had avoided any further questions on the topic.
After a bit of back and forth, he and Dan decided that keeping appearances for Phil’s birthday at the end of the month was not really an option, so they sat down on the sofa fumbling with Phil’s phone, opening his mum’s contact and finally hitting the facetime button on accident when he almost dropped his phone to the floor.
“Child!” Phil’s mother said.
Phil scrambled to set the camera to his face without showing Dan. “Hi, Mum!” he replied, his voice cracking from the nerves as if he was 15 all over again. “How are you?”
“Doing well, you know, tending to the garden,” she smiled. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing?” he said, sounding like it was definitely something.
“Phil, I am your mother. Don’t try to lie, you are terrible at it.”
“I just - wanted to tell you something,” he said, biting his lip.
“Are you ill?” She asked, sounding quite concerned, her face falling.
“No! Not at all. I’m seeing someone,” he said and almost slapped himself. Dan gave him a reproachful look. They were a bit past the “seeing each other” stage.
“Oh!” She said, her smile returning. “You have a partner?”
“Yes! I actually misspoke. I do have a partner,” he clarified.
“Well, that’s quite nice. How long have you been together?”
Phil looked at Dan with wide eyes, there were so many possible answers to that question. Dan shrugged and mouthed an “October?” at him.
“Uh, October - ish,” Phil said, looking back at her. “We were seeing where things were going but we - made it official in October.”
“Why didn’t you bring them over for Christmas?” She asked.
She was trying not to push, Phil could tell, but after he posted his coming out, there was no need to keep beating around the bush. “He, Mum, we can say it. It’s a man.”
She laughed, letting out a happy sigh. “Oh, I’m glad, Child. I didn’t want to assume or offend you. You know how much your father and I love you, we just want you to be happy.”
Phil did know, but he smiled nonetheless. “Yeah…”
“What can you tell me about your partner - boyfriend?”
“It’s D-Dan!” he said, with a nervous laugh. “And… well, you know Dan.”
“Oh, dear! I love Dan! What a sweet boy! Oh, Phil, that is just wonderful,” she said, sounding genuinely happy. “Since October?” she prodded, narrowing her eyes.
Phil laughed and looked at Dan’s beaming face, gesturing for him to speak up, but Dan only made a silly face at him.
“Yes!” Phil said. “I swear, since October. We took things slowly because of… the time we were apart.”
“Hiiii!” said Dan as Phil turned the phone towards him.
“Oh, hi love! How have you been?” She asked, “Can you hear me?”
“Yes, he can hear you,” Phil said.
“I’m doing well, very happy,” Dan said, with that tone he’d always used with Phil’s mum. He had always been a sweet talker.
“That’s all that matters then! Phil, you have to bring him over for your birthday!”
“Yes!” Dan said before Phil could reply. “I accept the invitation!”
Phil poked his side as they both laughed. “We’ll be there for the weekend.”
“Martyn and Cornelia are coming as well!” She said.
“Who is that?” Asked Phil’s dad in the background.
“It’s Phil! Do you want to talk to him?”
His father didn’t reply to her and just grabbed the phone. “Hello, son,” he said merrily. “Are you coming to us for your birthday?”
“Yeah,” he said and hesitated for only a second but that was enough.
“He has a boyfriend!” His mum said, sounding almost more excited about it than Phil.
“Oh! A boyfriend! That’s nice. Is he treating you well?”
“No, he’s horrible to me!” Phil said, theatrically.
“Shut up!” said Dan, blushing and slapping his arm.
“I know that voice! Don’t I know that voice?” Phil’s dad asked away from the phone.
“It’s Dan!” said his mum.
“Yeah, It’s Dan,” said Phil, still giggling about his little joke and the effect it had on Dan.
“Hi, Dan!” His dad said. “You found yourself a nice boyfriend there?”
Dan squished his face to Phil’s to be in frame “Sometimes I’m inclined to believe that no,” he laughed.
“I’ll have you know I’m a wonderful boyfriend,” Phil said.
Dan gave him a look and a cheeky smile. “He leaves every cupboard open after making coffees he doesn’t actually drink until they are cold.”
“Spend a lot of time with him?” Phil’s dad asked, reading between the lines.
“He stayed over one day and never left,” Phil said, with a laugh.
“Don’t say that, they will think I’m just leeching here,” Dan said, swatting at him. “I moved in recently, when my lease was up.”
“You could have come for Christmas then,” commented Phil’s mum.
“His family wanted him with them as well, Mum. Don’t worry, I will drag him over soon.”
“Good, you do that,” Phil’s father said. “Dan, take care of him for me.”
“I will,” Dan said with a small smile.
“See you then,” Phil’s dad said. “Bye!”
“Bye!” Dan and Phil said in unison, making his mum laugh.
“Bye, boys!” She said and disconnected the call.
“That went better than expected,” Dan said, pressing a small kiss to his lips.
“It was good,” Phil agreed and wrapped his arms around Dan’s frame. “I’m glad that they were so calm about it.”
“It’s because they knew, or they suspected. Your dad definitely knew.”
“He has been onto us since the beginning.”
Dan tsked. “I don’t think we were as slick as we thought we were.”
“Probably not,” Phil snorted.
---
When the weekend of Phil’s birthday finally rolled around, he and Dan were in a bit of a panic.
Even though the phone call with the announcement had gone fairly well, it was a bit nerve wracking for Phil because he had never officially introduced anyone as a boyfriend. His family knew that he was gay but it wasn’t something that he really talked about. They had sort of figured it out on their own and were kind enough not to bother him about it. And Dan was nervous to see Phil’s parents again as Phil’s boyfriend, this was also a new experience for him and he was still getting used to being out of the closet.
As soon as they set foot in his parents’ house, Phil’s mum pulled Dan into a hug and pinched his cheek, which was quite hard because of the height difference. Still, Dan bent down and let her enjoy herself. He beamed as Phil’s parents welcomed him in without a hint of awkwardness.
“Go take your bags upstairs and come back down to sit by the fire, we’ll be right over with some tea,” his mum said, gesturing to the sofas by the fireplace on her way to the kitchen with her husband in tow.
Phil didn’t need to be told twice. With the wind raging outside and snow threatening to fall, by the fire was exactly where he wanted to be. He took Dan’s coat and put it away before leading his boyfriend to one of the two guest bedrooms. It was decorated in muted colours and consisted of a double bed, two bedside tables and a few decorative items. Phil looked around and sighed, wishing that they were still at his old family home; this one didn’t hold the same memories.
Dan wrapped his arms around him, hugging him from behind. “Everything ok?” He asked, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I was just thinking.”
“What about?” Dan said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“I wish we could go back to the old house.”
“Hmm, the place where we first got together,” Dan mused. “That would be nice, but we can make new memories here.”
“Yeah,” Phil said and turned around, resting his arms on Dan’s shoulder and leaning in for a kiss.
Dan shoved his cold hands under Phil’s hoodie making him squirm and jump back with a laugh.
“You beast!” Phil said.
“Better?” Dan smirked.
“Yeah, but I’ll get you later!”
“Can’t wait,” Dan said, wiggling his eyebrows and walking out the door.
Phil shook his head and followed after him, catching up to Dan who was already on the sofa and sitting at his side, leaving the two armchairs across the coffee table for his parents.
Dan stretched his arms towards the fire and rubbed them together. “I am finally starting to feel my fingers again.”
“I wish I could climb inside the fire,” Phil added and Dan gave him a warning look. “It was just an expression.”
He knew that Phil was not being serious but with how prone to accidents he was, they could never be too safe. “I miss having a fireplace,” lamented Dan and Phil made a mental note of that.
“At least we have an aircon,” Phil commented, rubbing Dan’s back.
“True, but it’s hard to appreciate it during the winter months.”
“Here we are!” Phil’s mum said, walking over and narrowly avoiding dropping the tray before setting it down on the coffee table. “Milk, Dan?” She gave them a little smile when she saw Phil’s hands on Dan’s back.
“Yes, please,” Dan said, clearing his throat.
His dad sat down and reached for his own cup, adding sugar and stirring before taking a sip and smiling happily.
“You look so handsome,” his mum said, handing the cup to Dan. “Is this your natural hair?”
“No, I got a perm,” Dan laughed and Phil saw him relaxing a bit into his spot on the sofa. He took a sip of his tea and hummed. “Yes, it is my natural hair. I just didn’t like it before.”
“I think it’s an improvement from your previous look,” she smiled, blowing into her cup as she stirred her tea.
“Oh, absolutely,” he said, pausing. “So, how are you two doing? Do you enjoy living on the Island?”
Phil’s dad nodded. “Yes, I think this is one of the best decisions we ever made. We loved our house, but this is the perfect place to retire to.”
“We like to go on walks around the cliffs on most days,” she added. “I find the sea breeze refreshing and calming.”
“Sounds like paradise,” Dan said.
Phil could tell what his parents were hinting at so he decided to stir the conversation away from that topic. “When are Mar and Corn getting here?” He said, finally reaching for his own cup and taking a tentative sip, humming gleefully when he tasted the honey.
“Tomorrow, sometime after 3, I believe,” his dad said.
“Good!” Phil replied. “I think he will be happy to see Dan again.”
“Does Martyn know?” His mother asked.
“No. I mean, he probably did, but no, nobody knew for certain. Just Mark and his boyfriend and we told Anja recently.”
Dan nodded. “We were not trying to be super secretive about it, but we wanted to make sure that things were working properly before we told anyone else, if that makes sense?”
“Can I ask something?” She asked.
“Of course, anything,” Dan said, and Phil was tempted to say that maybe not anything but kept quiet.
“You know, Phil never said anything to us, but I thought you were dating back in the day. Then it made sense to me that Phil didn’t bring any girls over, just you. And Anja.”
“It was not like that with Dan - or with Anja.”
Dan made a noncommittal face. “It was kind of like that, but not really. We liked each other, definitely, but we weren’t officially dating, I would say.”
“We weren’t,” Phil said. “And Anja is a lesbian; she has had a girlfriend since… 2011 I believe. I introduced them.”
“You didn’t date Anja then?” She asked.
Phil shook his head. “No, she stayed because I was her gay friend and she knew it was safe.”
“Oh, and then she came over with a girl… and you slept on the sofa.” She pressed her hand to her forehead. “I thought you were just embarrassed to send her friend to the sofa to have some privacy,” she said in wonder.
“Mum!” Phil said, feeling the heat rising to his face. “I would have never done that with you in the house.”
Dan laughed.
“Are all of your friends gay?” His dad asked.
Phil hummed. “Not every single friend, but I would say that most friends I’ve made in the last few years are gay. We just understand each other better.”
Dan nodded. “I grew up and found out that not only were some of my bullies gay but most of my friends too, even though none of us were out at the time, and some of us didn’t even know yet.”
“I suppose that you find people that you can relate to and have things in common, if that’s being gay, or knitting, or having a book club, right?” His mum asked.
“That’s a good point,” Dan said.
Then his dad looked at Phil and caught him off guard. “Dan stayed over quite often when travelled,” he commented with an amused smile, apparently realising what Phil hadn’t meant to imply before.
Phil coughed but his mum was thankfully ready to save him.
“It’s so wonderful that you are back together now,” She said.
Dan nodded. “It took some time, but he thankfully listened to me when I apologised and explained myself.”
“Phil can be a little stubborn,” she conceded.
“He was more than a little stubborn, but I deserved it,” Dan said. “It was not easy, but I’m glad he had it in him to forgive me,” he reached towards Phil and laced their fingers together.
The butterflies in Phil’s stomach were still there and he could feel himself blushing, but when he looked at his parents he saw nothing but acceptance and perhaps a little relief that he wasn’t going to die alone after all.
“You seem like a good match,” his dad said with a gentle smile.
Phil’s heart burst with happiness. He could hear the pride in his father’s voice, the pride he had wanted to hear his entire life. “Thank you,” he said, clearing his throat as he tried to not get overly emotional.
“So how is… work?” His dad asked.
“Quite good,” Phil said, feeling thankful to have something else to focus on. “I have exciting projects going and Dan too.”
“Anything you can share?” He asked.
“Not yet, but you will know soon enough,” Phil said.
“Please give us a warning if it’s something important so we don’t hear about it from the neighbours,” his mum said.
Phil winced and mumbled an “Alright.” He took a long sip from his cup. “I didn’t tell them before posting my coming out,” he mumbled in Dan’s general direction.
“You didn’t tell them before posting?” Dan asked, looking at Phil out of the corner of his eye.
“No, he doesn’t tell us much these days,” She said, a bit too dramatically.
“Don’t say that, I just figured you knew already,” Phil said, snorting. “And I forgot.”
“We knew but we didn’t know!” She said. “And then we watched Dan’s video - which was so wonderful by the way - and we finally got some idea of what went on in your life.”
Phil huffed, starting to get a bit annoyed.
“Thank you,” Dan said. “It was a lot of work but I’m glad that you liked it.” He squeezed Phil’s hand in support.
Phil was grateful that his boyfriend knew how to suck up to his mum and stir the conversation away from him and how bad of a son he was.
“It was very emotional,” she said. “I quite enjoyed it, even though it had some sad parts. I wish you didn’t have to go through that.” She looked at Dan with deep sadness in her eyes.
“Well, it all turned me into a person I’m proud to be today,” Dan said.
“We are proud of you too, Dan,” his dad said and before Dan could react, he continued. “Actually, if you could come with me, I want to show you something.” He got up to his feet.
“Of course,” Dan said and followed him to his office, throwing Phil a confused look over his shoulder.
“Come,” Phil’s mum whispered then. She grabbed their coats and took his hand, pulling him through the sliding door and out to the garden.
“It’s way too cold to be out,” Phil said, sipping his jacket on and pulling his gloves out of his pocket.
“Oh, it will boost your immune system,” she said, holding onto his arm as they walked slowly in circles around the garden. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I told you, I am happy with Dan.” He interlaced his fingers to make sure his gloves were properly fitted.
“I know, I know. You do look happy, but I worry sometimes,” she said. “After Dan left - you weren’t the same for a long time. I don’t think you are the same, even now.”
“Neither is he. We both went through quite a bit of pain together and on our own,” Phil admitted. “And nobody is the same at 31 than at twenty-something.”
“That’s fair. I am just a bit scared for you too, even though I know Dan is a good boy.”
“We will be alright this time, Mum,” he reassured her. “The thing you don’t understand is that with him in the closet and me being only partially out, things were never going to work. At the time Dan wasn’t even able to accept himself, so dealing with that publicly on top of our feelings was too much.”
“My heart breaks for him,” she said. “I’m sure the relationship will work this time.” She patted Phil’s arm
“You can never be 100% sure of anything, but it took almost a year to get back to a place where we were comfortable enough to start dating again and we haven’t had any major issues,” Phil said.
She let out a deep sigh of relief and smiled widely. “I’m glad to hear that, Child. You two deserve to be happy and it seems that you are determined to be together.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, it’s nothing bad. You fought through any sort of problem that came your way to make it to the other side and I think that’s what matters. No relationship comes without obstacles, the important thing is that you work to sort through them.”
He nodded. “Do you and Dad argue a lot now that you are retired?”
“Not much anymore,” she said, patting his hand. “We know who we are and what to do to avoid creating arguments. And we still love each other.”
Phil smiled. “What’s your secret?” He asked.
Humming, she paused for a moment before replying. “Don’t hang on to silly tiffs and never go to sleep angry. Solve your arguments before bed. That’s what your grandma told me and It worked well.”
“I will,” Phil said, getting lost in thought when he realised that the two year anniversary of his grandma’s death was coming. He missed her so much.
His mum caught up to the reason for his silence. “She was very proud of you, you know?” She said, “A few years ago, she asked if you were dating anyone and I told her that I believed so. That made her happy, even when I told her that it might be a boy.”
Phil’s eyes welled up with tears briefly. He wished he’d had that conversation with her but she had gotten ill and passed before Phil could make his way back. He shouldn’t have waited so long to talk to her about it. At least now he knew that she supported him. “Do you think she would have liked Dan?” he asked.
“She would have loved to meet Dan, but she knew of him from YouTube,” she said.
Phil’s eyebrows burrowed into a frown. “How?”
“You have to remember that Dan was the only person you brought home so I showed her a few of the videos you made together.”
“Oh my god! What videos?” Phil asked, half amused, half horrified. A single tear slid down his cheek but he rubbed it away quickly. Sniffling through the laugh.
“Only the more innocent ones,” she said, raising one eyebrow at him.
“I can’t believe you showed her that. You like to gossip way too much,” Phil said.
She booped the tip of his nose. “And you took after me, so I don’t want to hear it, dear.”
“Alright,” Phil said. “Thank you for the advice and for showing grandma a part of me I didn’t have the chance to share with her. It means more to me than you know.” He turned towards her and pulled her into a hug.
“You’re welcome, dear,” she smiled. “Let’s go back inside, you are shaking like a leaf.”
They made their way back into the house and Phil could still hear his dad’s voice faintly mid-conversation.
“...You make him happy. We were so worried about him these past few years,” he said. “I wanted you to know that you will always be welcome in this house.”
“Thank you, Mr Lester,” Dan said.
“Nigel,” his dad said. “In your video, you said that your father didn’t take your … email very well. Right?”
“No,” Dan mumbled.
Phil followed their voices and stood in the hallway, shamelessly listening in.
“Sometimes the people we love are the ones that hurt us the most, but the good thing is that we can find other people to love. We are your family, Dan.”
“I -” Dan paused. “Thank you, you don’t know how much this means…”
Phil turned around the corner and saw Dan hugging his dad tightly. He stood there for a moment, staring at the scene with a shocked smile and retreated to the downstairs bathroom to give them some privacy and compose himself. He looked in the mirror and smiled, still a little moved by his parents’ reaction, he hadn’t expected this much support from them, and now he felt guilty for ever doubting them.
After a few minutes, he joined his mother in setting the table.
Dinner went without a hitch and it came with a much lighter tone. They shared a bottle of wine over pasta and played Scrabble past midnight when his mum finally deemed the night over.
They said their goodbyes and climbed up the stairs to the guest bedroom. The bed looked so soft and comfortable it was basically screaming Phil’s name. He slipped into his pyjamas quickly to avoid the biting cold and slid under the covers.
Dan snorted a laugh. “Cold?”
“Uh-huh. Aren’t you?” Phil mumbled, only his eyes peeking from under his burrow.
“Not that much. I think the wine got to me.” He took off his jeans and pulled on a different hoodie before getting under the covers and scooching closer to Phil. “Come here,” Dan said, pulling him into a hug and dropping a kiss to the tip of his nose.
Phil sighed happily, slipping his fingers into the curls on the back of Dan’s hair that was beginning to grow just a bit too long for Dan’s taste. “Love you,” he said, leaning in for a slow kiss.
Dan’s hold on him tightened, his hand sliding under Phil’s pyjama top and resting on his lower back.
There was no urgency, no heat, just comfort and familiarity. Phil knew that if he chose to push Dan in the slightest way, he would probably jump at the opportunity to have sex, but they would have their fun at home. Home. The flat they shared for the time being before -
He smiled and broke the kiss, staring into Dan’s eyes in the moonlight.
“Winter is my favourite. I love the cold because I can hold you like this and sleep without us drowning in a pool of sweat,” Dan laughed.
“We can do this all year, you just have to program the aircon fairly low. You are like a tiny oven.”
“I’m not tiny,” Dan pouted.
“You will always be the tiniest of babies to me,” Phil teased.
“Shut up, old man,” Dan said, letting out a yawn. “Big spoon or little spoon?”
“Mmmm, big spoon,” Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan’s torso when he turned around. He kissed Dan’s shoulders and threw one leg over Dan’s, tangling it between his feet and smiled.
“You’re a weird one, Lester.”
“Your mum is weird,” Phil mumbled and shut his eyes.
“Happy birthday, Babe,” mumbled Dan.
“Mmm, thanks.”
This was going to be his best year, he could already tell.
---
The following morning, Phil woke up to his mum shaking him by the shoulder. He threw a hand over his eyes to let them adjust to the brightness. “Mum!” Phil whines, stretching his hand in search of Dan.
“Happy birthday, love!” She said. “Dan is already dressed and sitting down for breakfast. Wouldn’t you like to join us?”
Phil groaned. Why did Dan have to suck up to his parents by getting up early too? It was his birthday, he could have slept in. “What time is it?”
“It’s eleven already, so up, up! Off you go to the bathroom,” she said. “I made pancakes!”
Phil’s eyes widened. The one thing his mum didn’t ruin or burn to a crisp. “Alright!” He said and got up, changing into a warmer hoodie and heading downstairs after a pit stop at the bathroom.
“A pit stop,” he mumbled to himself with a snort. He needed to stop watching Formula 1 with Dan.
“There he is!” his dad said as soon as Phil walked into the kitchen, making him smile. “Happy birthday, son.”
“Thank you,” Phil said.
Dan reached out to him and pulled him by the hand to sit at his side. He leaned in to kiss his cheek and whispered a “Happy birthday, Love,” into his ear.
Phil smiled so widely he thought his face might just split from the happiness and then he made eye contact with his mum, who had watched the interaction closely and blushed.
At least she looked happy for him but it was a bit embarrassing. On the other hand, Phil couldn’t help but notice that Dan didn’t completely avoid PDA, he just kept them at a minimum. It was not something that they had discussed, but Phil wouldn’t have expected Dan to be ok with something like this after being in the closet for so long. It was a good birthday surprise.
“Sleep well?” asked Dan.
Phil nodded, reaching across the table for his coffee mug.
“Well, wait a minute,” his mum said, squeezing lemon on top of his pancakes and sprinkling them with sugar before handing him the plate.
“Do you want to share?” He asked Dan.
“I already ate mine. These are all yours.”
“You didn’t wait for me?” Phil pouted.
“I was hungry, bitch. I woke up at 9!” Dan teased.
“Wow, you should have woken me up!”
“Please, I know how you get - and it’s your birthday.” Dan gave him a look.
“I don’t know what you mean. I am a perfect angel,” Phil said.
Dan rolled his eyes at him and snorted.
“Martyn will be here around 3 so that’s when I will serve the roast and we can cut the cake after. Is that ok?” his mum asked.
“Yes,” Phil said. “Our flight it’s not until 9 so we can leave around 7.”
“What a pitty that you couldn't stay a bit longer,” his dad said.
“I know, I’m sorry but we have work. We will visit again at some point,” Phil said.
“I hope that you can visit in a few months and stay over,” Dan said. “I am going on tour with a new project and I would love it if you could come.”
“Of course!” Phil’s mum said. “Will your mother be there?”
“Um, sure. We can get tickets for both families on the same date,” Dan said.
“Wonderful!” she said with a smile.
“When will it be?” Phil’s dad asked.
“Closer to the end of the year. I will let you know exactly when the producers tell me,” Dan said.
Phil looked between Dan and his mum, smiling at how sweetly she was pushing him into a corner to make a family reunion happen as soon as possible even with them living on opposite ends of the country. Still, he decided to rescue his boyfriend.
“Do you need help with anything, Dad?” Phil asked.
“Yes, actually! You can start chopping the onions and peeling potatoes,” he said. “Dan, do you think you can run to the store and get some more wine?”
“Yes, absolutely!” said Dan, surely aching to escape Phil’s mum’s interrogation.
“I will walk with you, dear,” she said, already reaching for her coat before Dan could say no.
Phil snorted and went in search of the onions. When he got back into the kitchen, his dad was waiting for him with a small framed art piece. He had to pause for a moment. He placed his hand on his heart and grabbed it with shaky hands. It was a charcoal drawing of the last picture Phil had taken with his parents and his grandma, but his dad had added Dan in. His eyes welled up in tears and he set the picture on the counter before pulling his dad into a tight hug with a choked sob. “T-thank you!”
His dad rubbed his back and Phil couldn’t remember a single time they had hugged like this since he’d been a child. He made sure to account for every detail of the way his father was holding him, comforting him.
“I’m proud of you, son,” he said.
“Thank you,” Phil mumbled. He didn’t want to have any regrets. One day his father would be gone and he wouldn’t have any other time to tell him. He remembered his vow to tell the people he loved the most just how much they meant to him, but his dad had somehow been skipped. Well, not somehow. They were men, they just didn’t do this type of thing, not since Phil had turned into an adult, but Phil didn’t want to continue on like that. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too,” his dad said with no hesitation.
They finished cooking side by side, swaying to the music playing in the radio in amicable silence.
By half past three, the roast was ready, Martyn and Cornelia were washing up, and Dan and Phil were setting the table. In one of Phil’s trips to the kitchen, Martyn caught him by the hand and asked him to follow him out to the garden.
Phil immediately regretted not taking a moment to grab a coat, but at least Martyn didn’t seem to be doing any better. “Fuck, Mar. What is it?”
“Shh! I don’t want Mum to hear. I just wanted to check something with you.”
“Yeah, what happened?” asked Phil, feeling a bit worried already.
“So - Cornelia and I have something to announce and we were waiting to do it in person but it’s your birthday… and I don’t think we'll be coming back here for a while so I wanted to check with you.” Martyn bit his lip. “Would you mind?”
“Announcing what?” Phil asked.
Martyn looked into the house, checking that no one was snooping on them, and whispered: “We’re having a baby!”
Phil’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to let out a squeal of delight but Martyn knew him too well and covered his mouth and nose for good measure.
“Don’t!” he whispered. “I will let you go but don’t scream!”
Phil nodded and once Martyn released him, Phil grabbed him by his jumper and shook him slightly. “I am going to be an uncle?!” he whisper-shouted.
“Yeah!” Martyn laughed and nodded, looking just as excited as Phil was, maybe even a bit more.
“Alright, that has to be the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten. I am going to spoil your kid so badly, you’re going to hate me,” Phil said.
“I already hate you,” he said with a laugh and Phil punched his arm.
The sliding door opened and Dan peeked his head out. “Lester! Don’t leave me to set the table alone just because it’s your birthday.” Then he disappeared without waiting for a reply.
“He has you on a short leash,” Martyn said with an amused smile.
Phil nodded. “Yeah. Been thinking of running away…”
“Dork!” Martyn said and walked inside.
Phil followed after him, lost in thought at the notion that his brother was going to be a father. Dan gave him a weird look but Phil just shrugged and carried the Yorkshire puddings and black currant sauce to the table. Dan had already brought the meat and roasted potatoes.
His mum went around serving wine and Phil realised that she would soon notice Cornelia wasn’t drinking. “Oh, let me do that,” he said. “Dan, can you bring the Ribena from the fridge?”
“Sure,” he said with a frown but didn’t question Phil.
“You boys are not having wine?” His mum asked.
“I read that it can make you dizzy to drink before a flight when you are prone to migraines, so I’m not drinking today.”
“Oh, I’ll take Ribena as well,” said Cornelia.
“That sounds nice, actually. I feel a bit dehydrated myself so I’ll join you,” Martyn said.
Phil’s mum looked a bit upset that half of the table wouldn’t enjoy the wine she bought.
Dan returned with a pitcher of Ribena and placed it on the table. He took a seat next to Phil and eyed him suspiciously.
Phil took a moment to check his messages while his mum served the roast because he knew she didn’t like them being on their phones while they ate and he got a notification from Dan immediately.
“What are you up to?”
“What?” Phil asked, playing coy.
“What’s going on? You’re being weird.”
“I am always weird according to most people.”
Dan sneaked a hand under the table and pinched Phil’s thigh, making him jump. “Fuck!”
“Philip!” his mum chided him.
“Sorry! I think I pulled a muscle on my leg.”
“Well don’t curse and take an ibuprofen,” she said and continued serving.
Phil grabbed his phone again. “I will get you for that. Just don’t say anything, Martyn will announce it soon. He asked me not to tell.”
“Alright,” Dan typed before they were told to put their phones down.
Dinner went by smoothly, although Phil was anxious for Martyn to drop the news so that they could all talk about it. The secret was burning him from the inside. When his mum went to the kitchen to make coffee, he went along and asked if they could cut the cake already.
She was a bit shocked but accepted, so Phil got it from the fridge and set it on the table. It was all covered in candy with a small doll resembling Phil emerging from it. “Aww, that’s cute, Mum,” Phil called over his shoulder.
“I didn’t make it, I just bought it,” she replied.
Phil snorted. Once the coffee and the mugs were at the table, Dan lit the candle and led the happy birthday song for Phil.
In that moment, Phil felt frozen in time, looking around, his loved ones smiling, supporting him and his relationship with Dan, who was easily slotting into the family and he looked at Cornelia, who would soon give him the best gift he could ever get.
Dan laid his hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Make a wish!”
Phil smiled at him and leaned down closer to the cake. “I don’t need anything else,” he thought and blew the candle out. He stood up and looked at Martyn, trying to signal him to speak up.
“Corn?” Martyn said.
“We wanted to take a moment to tell you something since we are all together here - the entire family,” she said, looking at them all. “We are having a baby.” She beamed. “I am four months pregnant!”
“Oh, Martyn!” his mum said, rubbing a few stray tears away and hugged his brother briefly before pulling Cornelia into a crushing hug. “This is wonderful!”
His dad shook Martyn’s hand before thinking about it for a moment and pulling him into a hug and Phil could have sworn he saw a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Then it was Dan’s turn to congratulate them and Cornelia asked if he was excited to become an uncle which almost made Phil cry. He just walked over to his brother and gave him a big hug, then he joined Dan in hugging Cornelia who merely laughed.
It was his favourite birthday so far.
---
The following months were a bit of a haze. Dan had stopped taking new patients the previous year to allow him to continue to work with Young Minds, continue acting occasionally and posting on YouTube. He also focused on his mental health book deal, which he’d gladly accepted at a minimum fee and promptly got to work.
It took him almost six months to write and it stressed him out to no end, but he found that he enjoyed the process as well. Phil often read bits and pieces of the book, but Dan was a bit overzealous of his draft until it was completely edited.
He also had a stand-up show written and its tour was in negotiations for the second half of the year. On the other hand, Phil had started his own secret project in the works; he allocated his free time for it fully but he wasn’t going to share it with Dan until he was sure it was what he wanted and had a direct plan of action. He took advantage of the fact that Dan was working his butt off to form a very concrete proposal to buy property together. It would be a huge step for them and he knew that Dan would probably drown in the what ifs if Phil didn’t have at least some ideas of how they could afford such a project and what they would be looking for.
In May, Phil finally felt ready to broach the subject. He took his plans and sat Dan for a talk at the breakfast bar.
“What’s up?” Dan asked, looking nervous and quite pale.
“Everything is alright. I just wanted to ask you something,” Phil said, placing a cup of tea in front of Dan. He opened his mouth to speak but found no words. He let out a little frustrated sigh. “Well… I’m buying a house.”
“Oh?” Dan frowned.
Phil raised his eyebrows at his own stupidity. “For us. For both of us to live together there.”
Dan visibly relaxed. “Oh, ok,” he said with a little laugh.
“Yeah, the thing is… I want to completely remodel it, but I want you to see it and tell me if you like it, if you like the area and to help me design it.”
“Oh, wow,” Dan said, pausing. “I love the idea but, how much money are we talking about?”
Phil had considered paying for it himself, but he knew better than offering something like that to Dan, he would never accept it. “Here,” he said, getting the folder from one of the small drawers in the kitchen.
“You were hiding this in the kitchen?” Dan asked with an amused smile.
Phil shrugged. “Why would you even be looking in there? How often do you cook, Danny boy?”
“Fair,” Dan mumbled, skimming through the pages of the three financial options Phil had presented to him. “I like the 50-50 one if I can just transfer the money to you every month.”
“That was my favourite one too. Now look at the pictures,” Phil said, turning a few pages. Each picture came with handwritten notes of his plan and questions for Dan.
Dan’s face transformed, his smile growing as he turned each page. “It’s gorgeous. Ohhh, the garden, Phil!” Dan said in wonder. “The inside is very old-fashioned but I like the bare bones. Can we afford to remodel it? I think that it could be a bit much.”
“We have the merch store, ad revenue, sponsors, you have your book, we have savings. I know that construction can get out of hand but it will probably take at least a year to complete it so I think we can manage it,” Phil said and braced himself. “All you need to agree to is to let me pay rent completely, at least until your earnings are more similar to mine.”
Dan pursed his lips. Phil could tell that he didn’t like the idea at all but he was in no position to argue. He was still catching up on his metrics. “Alright, but I will pay it back.”
“Don’t,” Phil said. “Put it aside for a trip to Japan. We’ve always wanted to go.”
“I like the sound of that,” Dan said. “Thank you, love.” He leaned in and pressed three quick kisses to Phil’s lips. “I love you!”
“Love you too,” Phil said, letting out a small sigh and taking the first sip of his tepid tea.
---
June 2019
Dan was a bit scared of how the so-called phannies would react to his stand-up so he did a few pre-shows - with unrelated material of course - at a small pub and it went amazingly well. They loved his style and the crude jokes. As it turned out, their viewers had grown with them and made it fairly evident that there had always been people of their own age and even older watching their content. As Dan had simply put it: “They’re old.”
Phil had known that most of their viewers were queer for quite a while but seeing the army of -mostly- lesbians at Dan’s small shows was a delight. It was a freeing experience for both of them. Dan got to make as many gay sex jokes as he wanted and people often matched his energy which made him incredibly happy and Phil got to see Dan be himself fully, be confident in his own identity and sexuality which also turned into a bit of a surprising self-discovery journey.
Phil had thought that he had been confident in his own skin for years and years but being semi-closeted in aspects of your life plays a weird game on your mind. The little offhand comments you’d get, or having to lie by omission to some weird intrusive questions, having to come up with made-up stories in interviews, it was all very tiring. Phil found that he also loved to make crude jokes in public, perhaps not as much in his videos but in his everyday life. It was just something that brought him a lot of joy.
It was a relief to be so secure in their relationship that when Dan joked about people sliding into his DMs and living his hot boy summer, Phil didn’t feel jealous at all. He knew that Dan was loyal to him and that what they had was a priority for both of them.
Before things got too busy and with the excuse of Dan’s birthday, they took a weekend trip to visit his family.
Phil stood before the same door he’d stood almost a decade prior and smiled at the bittersweet memories it brought. He knew that this time things would be different. With Dan’s homophobic father long gone from the family home, they weren’t as worried about things going awry, so his mind turned to the first few months after they met in person, when everything had changed. Sharing Dan’s bed, flirting, playing hours upon hours of video games and filming. Phil let out a sigh as he remembered Dan looking at him, the golden specks in his warm brown eyes dancing in the sunlight as he laughed, his hobbit hair wild and free.
“Ready?” Dan asked, pulling him from his musings.
Phil simply smiled at him and nodded, but before he could ring the doorbell, Karen opened the door, welcoming them and wrapping them into a tight hug each.
“Oh, Phil! It’s so good to see you again after so long! I’ve been asking Dan to bring you over forever,” she said.
“Thank you so much!” Phil said with a huge smile. A side eye Dan’s way revealed that he had been, in fact, asked to bring Phil over, if his beat red face and neck scratching was any indication. “He keeps me hidden, what can I say?”
She laughed and swatted Dan’s arm.
“I don’t!” Dan said. “We’ve just been busy, Mum.”
“Of course you have.” Karen rolled her eyes at her son and ushered them inside.
She pointed Phil towards one of the armchairs and Dan to the closest spot to him on the bigger sofa, choosing the other end of it for herself. As soon as Phil had taken his place, he felt two soft paws scratching at his legs. “Awww, Hi Colin! Nice to meet you!” Phil said as he helped the pup climb onto his lap. He gave Colin a kiss and turned his attention back to Dan’s mum. “How have you been?” he finally asked.
“Oh, you know how it is,” she said. “Teaching is very difficult with this newer generation, they are quite unruly, but I still love my job. How are you guys? Any new projects?”
Dan reached his hand to pet Colin absentmindedly but kept his eyes on his mum. “My book is out already and it did very well. People are saying they enjoyed it and that it helped them manage their mental health a bit better, so I’m happy about that. The tour is about to start, I brought you tickets, as you requested,” he said, fishing them out of his pocket and handing them over to her. “You can go with Nana and Popsie; Adrian wants to go on a different date.”
“Your brother is such a loose cannonball sometimes,” she shook her head but smiled. “Will your parents be there, Phil?” Karen asked although it didn’t really sound like a question. Phil realised that this was not Dan’s mother talking to him, it was his “Mother in Law” letting him know that she expected him to make it work so that both families could finally meet after so many years. There were expectations.
Phil blinked but he didn’t let his smile falter. He was a bit nervous, but he had, gladly, made the arrangements to save everyone the pain of flying over another time. It was not quite a middle ground but it was the best option.“Yes, of course. They love Dan and they’re very excited to see the show. All of our friends are going on different dates as well.” He kept petting Colin, who was trying to take a nap on his lap but kept opening his eyes every time Dan or Phil touched him.
“Did you warn Nana that it’s rude?” Dan asked, picking at the fabric of the sofa cushion.
“Yes, but she has been watching your videos, so she knows what to expect,” Karen said. “You should have her on your channel, I think she would like that very much.”
Dan sputtered. “I don’t know about that.”
“Aw, that would be so cute!” Phil said. “Also the viewers loved her comment about the Ipad and the old home videos where she tried to scare you. I think she’d be a hit.”
Karen nodded. “See? Phil agrees with me!”
“He’s just sucking up to you,” Dan said.
Phil laughed. “I would never!”
“Don’t be like that, Phil is very sweet and polite!” Karen said, patting Phil’s knee.
Phil stuck his tongue out to Dan.
The doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of Dan’s grandparents and causing both Dan and Phil to stand and Colin to jump from his lap, throwing a reproachful look over his shoulder as he marched towards Dan.
“Hellooo,” Dan said, picking him up and going up to greet his grandparents.
Phil stood by his armchair and awkwardly waited for everyone to join him to shake Nana’s and Popsie’s hands as they sat on the big sofa with Karen, relegating Dan -and Colin- to the armchair across the room. Seeing Dan’s pout at being so far away from him made Phil regret not joining him on the big sofa when he got the chance.
Dan’s grandparents were extremely polite but a bit aloof at first. Dan had mentioned that they were open to the idea of him being gay but they hadn’t been in contact with any gay people per se, so they would have to try to act naturally to give them an idea of what they could expect. Basically, Dan had asked Phil to be himself and treat him as if they were alone at home, with as much pda or as little as he felt like doing.
“Phil, it is so nice to see you,” Dan’s grandma said, folding her hands on her lap.
Phil smiled. “Thank you,” he said and nodded at Popsie. “Nice to see you both again. I hope you remember me.”
“I do,” Dan’s grandma said, looking at Dan out of the corner of her eye. “Daniel couldn’t quite stop talking about you all the time so by the time I met you, I felt like I already knew you. That made it hard to forget you.”
Phil didn’t know what to say to that, so he smiled. It was a little bit funny, picturing Dan with his massive crush, going on and on about Phil.
“Nana, don’t make me sound so lame,” Dan said a bit too loudly, causing Colin to lift his head and huff. Dan looked at him apologetically and ruffled his fur.
“I am only telling the truth, if that makes you sound ‘lame’ as you put it…” she trailed off.
Phil burst out laughing and suddenly felt at ease with her. “You are delightful.”
“I’m going to be bullied the entire day, aren’t I?” Dan asked, pouting and flipping Colin’s ear inside out.
Popsie smiled at him and nodded before focusing on Phil. “So, what are your plans for the future?” he asked.
“For the future?” Phil asked, unsure of what to say, so he started speaking about work as per usual. “I have a lot of videos in the work, sponsors, my brother runs our merch company as well, but I do need to look things over. We are quite busy at the moment, especially with Dan going away on tour for a few months.” He looked at Dan across the room for any indication on how good of a reply that was but Dan merely shrugged.
“Well, that’s wonderful, but… we’ve been wondering if you two are going to get married, adopt children? I’m not sure how it’s done nowadays,” Popsie said with a small smile.
Dan sank further into his armchair, trying to make himself small and turned to talk to his mum, who completely ignored him in favour of listening to Phil’s answer.
Phil’s eyes widened, but he thought each and every single one of his movements carefully. He took account of how he was sitting, his posture, and his hands. He sat as a perfectly respectable human instead of a pile of goo; he squared his shoulders, laced his fingers on his lap and leaned forward trying to exude confidence. “Well, we haven’t discussed marriage quite yet, but we are buying property together this year.”
“You are?” Karen asked, beaming and looking between Dan and Phil.
Dan nodded but let Phil do the talking.
“Yes, it was my idea,” Phil said. “As you may know, Dan and I have quite a bit of history and it took us some time to repair our friendship and build a strong and loving relationship, so we are taking things slow to make sure that we are doing things the right way.”
“That is good! It’s important to take the time to consider things and not just jump into a wedding,” Karen said, looking pointedly at her mother. “A house sounds wonderful. May I ask if it will be under both of your names?”
Phil nodded. “Yes. We have already decided how we will split the cost, and since we are going to remodel it before moving in, it will probably be a long process.”
“Where are you buying?” Popsie asked, giving him what Phil assumed was an approving look.
“Kensington,” Phil said. “It’s a three-story house with a huge back garden.” He pulled his phone out and showed them a few pictures.
“It looks like a good place for a family,” Dan’s grandma said.
“Please, no mention of children,” Dan whined, pulling Colin to lay on his chest and wrapping his arms around him.
“Don’t you want children, Daniel?” she asked.
“Not right now,” Dan said with a frown. “We have a lot of work ahead. If it happens it will happen.”
“But how?” Popsie asked, cocking his head. “I don’t mean to be rude, of course, but I don’t understand.”
Phil saw a mix of embarrassment and anger forming in Dan’s face, but he could see that Popsie was just trying to understand, so he took over the conversation. “Well, neither of us will be getting pregnant,” he laughed. “But gay couples have different options, or rather, we have the same options as most couples dealing with infertility, like adoption, or getting eggs from a donor and paying a surrogate to carry the child, or simply to remain child-free. Like I said, at the moment we are focusing on ourselves and our relationship, anything else will come in the future, when we have the proper time and money to make it happen.” Phil ventured a look at Dan and found nothing but gratitude and love in his eyes.
“Yes,” Dan said, the smile slowly returning to his face. “I may be just a little selfish here, but I don’t want to share Phil with anyone at the moment, and if we decided to have children, a wedding would probably happen first. For now, we have our house to focus on and our projects.”
Karen smiled and patted Dan’s hand. “It sounds like you have a wonderful life together.”
“We do,” Dan said, his smile widening. “And I am very happy.”
“That’s all that matters then,” Dan’s grandma said and clapped her hands once. “Congratulations to you both.”
Popsie smiled and nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much, Daniel. It is a relief to still be alive to see you so happy.”
“Well, don’t take it as a sign to die,” Dan said, letting out an awkward laugh. “That would not make me very happy.”
“It’s not my time yet,” Popsie chuckled.
The doorbell rang once again and Karen walked over to the window, pulling the curtains back. “Looks like the pizza is here!” she said, giving Phil an apologetic look before walking over to the door.
“Karen! Pizza? While having company over? Why didn’t you cook something?” Dan’s grandma said, getting up and walking after her daughter.
“I’m not a great cook and I didn’t want to stress about it,” Karen said.
“But I am, I could have made something!”
Karen waved her off. “It’s fine and Phil loves pizza, don’t you Phil?”
“I do!” Phil added and finally remembered that as a guest he should probably offer to carry the pizzas. “I can take that to the kitchen,” he said.
“You are such a darling, Phil. Always so polite!” Karen said, handing him the boxes.
Out of the corner of his eye, Phil saw Popsie sliding closer to Dan and whispering something as he placed a hand on his shoulder and watched Dan rub his cheek quickly to wipe a few tears as he nodded and smiled.
Phil let out a sigh of relief. Everything was finally falling into place. Both families had accepted them with love and respect for them and the relationship they shared. It was all they had ever wanted.
---
October 2019
October brought many milestones. They celebrated their first anniversary as an official couple and the 10th anniversary of the day they first met.
The celebration itself was more of an improvised dinner date at their new home, in which construction had just started, sitting on a blanket, basically having a picnic and wine. Maybe it would not be considered the most romantic set up by the majority of people, but to them it was. It symbolised so many achievements and the hard work that they had put on themselves, their friendship and their relationship, as well as being their first property. In a way, it was the most romantic celebration they could have put together. There were no aesthetic decorations, fancy restaurants or public displays, it was just them - together, sharing a moment.
Dan grabbed a slice of pizza and moaned dramatically as he bit into it.
Phil laughed at his antics. God, he loved how Dan made him laugh with the simplest gestures. He loved Dan, his curly hair, his warm brown eyes, that low voice he used when it was just the two of them. He loved Dan dressed to the nines or only in his joggers and a stained T-shirt, his eyes falling shut from how tired he was. He loved Dan naked too, when it was just him, no decoration, no masks, just Dan. He loved Dan so much that he sometimes felt his heart would burst out of his chest at any moment.
“What?” Dan asked mid chew.
Phil snorted. “You have stubble now,” he said, cupping Dan’s cheek and rubbing his thumb on his chin.
“I’ll get it tomorrow,” Dan said.
“Don’t,” Phil smiled. “I like it.”
“I thought you said it was too rough on your skin,” Dan said.
“Maybe I like it rough,” Phil said with an awkward wink.
Dan laughed and threw a piece of crust his way.
“Hey, be nice!” Phil said.
“I’m always nice,” Dan said, pointing at his bruised forehead. “Today I slammed my head into the cabinets again and I didn’t even yell at you about it.”
“Is that why you were cursing this morning?”
“Yes, but I let you have a lie in instead of going to you to complain.”
“You could have joined me,” Phil said, grabbing a slice of pizza and taking a bite.
“I wanted to clean so that you don’t have to keep up with everything while I’m gone,” Dan said, his smile dropping a bit.
“That’s actually very sweet of you,” Phil said.
Dan pretended to retch. “Shut up,” he said, very fondly. It was the first time that they would be apart for an extended period of time since they got back together. Phil could hardly remember what life without Dan was like, but it was necessary. He would support every single solo project Dan had, and help him spread his wings, in the same way Dan supported him.
This was the time for Dan to spend some time with his followers without Phil’s presence, except in the occasional show.
“I’m going to miss you and go a bit crazy,” Phil admitted.
“You can always come to visit me on the road.”
“Maybe I will,” Phil said and leaned in to press a quick kiss to Dan’s lips.
“Please do,” Dan said, sounding a little smaller, perhaps like a lost child.
“Aww,” said Phil and gave him a quick succession of kisses on the lips. Three for good luck. “You will do amazingly, they will love you.”
“What if I fuck up on stage?” Dan frowned.
“Then they will laugh with you, which is the point of the show,” Phil said. “You know what to do already, just be yourself.”
“Sometimes I panic and consider cancelling.”
Phil nodded. “I know, I can see it in your eyes from time to time, but I also know that you were made to do this. You have to go out there and make little theatre kid Dan proud.”
“I know, but I could also just go live in the woods,” Dan said, only half joking.
“You are afraid of trees, and the show starts next week. It’s too late to back out now,” Phil laughed, patting his leg.
Dan snorted a laugh. “Yeah,” he said, shifting slightly and laying back onto Phil’s lap. “I love you, you know?” he asked, looking up at Phil.
“Yeah, I know,” Phil said, running his fingers through Dan’s curls. “I love you too.”
“Enough to keep my plants alive while I am away?” Dan smirked.
“I can’t promise that,” Phil laughed. “But I can promise that the house will still be standing when you come back - probably.”
Dan laughed, his eyes crinkling with happiness. “Probably.”
---
Dan’s stand-up show “We’re all doomed” opened to a full theatre of fans who had shown up to support him. Their excitement permeated the air and got into Phil. He was there to see his favourite person perform.
Phil danced in his seat while the pre show playlist boomed through the speakers. His smile widened when Dan came onto the stage. He felt a hand resting on his own, turned to his side and looked into his mother’s eyes, her smile matching his.
His heart sang as he watched Dan perform, giving it his all, working the stage and feeding off the audience’s energy.
He loved the show, he really did, but watching both of their families laugh along with Dan’s jokes and look at him proudly had to be one of Phil’s favourite memories from that night.
As the show came to a close, Dan came on stage one last time to thank the audience and looked up to the gallery where his people were. He made direct eye contact with Phil and placed his hand on his heart, smiling widely and mouthing a silent “I love you,” and Phil wanted to keep that image engraved in his mind forever.
It had taken such a long time to get to this point, but they were finally where they wanted to be, together, and even though Phil didn’t forget everything that had happened, all the heartache, all the hardships, he didn’t doubt for a second that it had all been worth it. God, he loved Dan so much, and he was going to spend the rest of his life making him happy - just as happy as Dan made him.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 11: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
Phil hesitated, not knowing how Dan would react to the news. Actually, he was fairly certain that Dan would have a breakdown and bolt out the door. Phil’s breathing got away from him and he started panicking.
“It’s alright. Look at me,” Dan said, holding his hands gently. “Look at me, I’m here, you’re safe. Everything will be ok.”
Phil tried to match Dan’s breathing, but it took him a few minutes to finally be able to take a deep breath and release it slowly.
“Better?” Dan asked.
Phil nodded but pressed his forehead to Dan’s still trying to breathe normally. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t lose Dan again.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Dan tried.
Phil shook his head no, but Dan pulled away and cupped his cheeks, looking into his eyes with worry.
The tears finally rolled down Phil’s cheeks and Dan looked horrified. He pulled Phil into a tight hug and rubbed circles on his back. “Please, please, tell me what’s wrong. Is your family alright?”
Phil nodded but still didn’t let Dan go. “S-sorry,” he said, for making Dan worry.
“It’s ok.”
“Please don’t leave,” Phil said, letting out a small sob and feeling pathetic about it - and about the begging.
Dan let go and looked at him in confusion. “I won’t leave, I promise!”
Still, Phil continued to cry but had the good grace of finally giving Dan his phone. He searched in Dan’s face for any signs of anger, regret or panic but Dan was just dumbfounded, his eyebrows raised.
“I shouldn’t have gone, I’m so sorry!” Phil mumbled shakily.
Dan looked up from the phone and into his eyes before staring into space for a few minutes. Perhaps it was only a few seconds but to Phil it felt like minutes.
Phil wanted to shake him but instead, he grabbed fists full of his York hoodie and pulled gently as if Dan was going to slip away at any given moment.
“Sorry,” Dan said, blinking repeatedly. “I just - I’m surprised they even remember me.”
“Of course they do, they have been asking about you for years. They still do!” Phil said with perhaps a bit of bitterness in his voice as he released the fabric.
Dan frowned sadly, lowering his head. He reached for his own phone and logged into Twitter quickly. “Can’t see it here,” he said, but before Phil could suggest anything, Dan slapped his forehead. “Right, I muted anything related to the ship.” He went into settings and deleted quite a few words to be able to read the tweet and responses. He took a deep breath, bracing himself, and let it out slowly as he began to read. “Fuck, this is why I thought they had forgotten me. I had hoped, but -”
The longer Dan stayed quiet, the more nervous Phil got, until he noticed his expression beginning to change.
In fact, the further Dan read, the bigger the smile on his face got. “It’s so hard to believe that they still care,” he said in wonder before liking one of the responses he’d been tagged in that read “Collab when?” He bit his lip and hesitated. “Should I reply?”
“If you want,” Phil said, with a small smile of his own as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.
“SOON!” Dan replied and all hell broke loose, but it was not a bad thing. Dan seemed to be taking it well.
“When can we see those theatre acting skills on YouTube? You should be in Phil’s skits!” someone suggested and Dan read it to him.
Phil thought that was a wonderful idea, so he liked the tweet and looked at him expectantly.
“Do you really want me to be on your channel again?” Dan asked, his tone soft, almost in awe.
Phil nodded and tried to downplay the importance of a potential Dan feature on his channel or a collab. “If you dare, dani snot-”
“Oh, fuck off!” Dan said, throwing a cushion in his direction.
“Fiyaaaa!” Phil screeched. He was so fucking relieved.
“I’d love to. I’ll do anything you want.”
“Anything?” Phil smirked.
“Don’t do that,” Dan warned him. “You wanted to go slow.”
“I do! I do! Sorry,” Phil said with a laugh. Pausing, he looked into Dan’s eyes intently. “Are you alright?” he asked, even though what he really wanted to say was ‘Are we alright?’
“Yeah,” Dan replied softly. “I think I am. I am surprised, but I am not panicking at the moment.”
He pressed a quick kiss to Phil’s lips and when he rested his back against the sofa once again, his lips moved for a few seconds, mouthing something silently. Dan bit his lip but swallowed nervously and asked: “Can you watch something?” he paused. “I was thinking… I should post something before my coming out. I don’t want it to be so sudden, it wouldn’t feel right. I have a few ideas, things I want to talk about.”
“Of course!” Phil said and brought his laptop over.
Dan logged into his accounts and showed him the first few scenes of ‘Daniel and depression’.
“I love it! What do you think about adding some skits? We could totally do that.”
“I’d like that.” Dan smiled and let out a little sigh of relief. He also showed Phil his set design for BIG, the codename of his June video.
“It’s beautiful,” Phil said. “But you should probably drop hints about the topic of the video beforehand, I don’t want to get sued for the death toll.”
“Hmm, maybe they deserve it,” Dan said, only half joking. “Alright. I think I know what to do.” He opened his notes up and started writing a script.
“Another video?” Phil said, raising his eyebrows at Dan.
“I’m on a roll, don’t judge,” Dan said and typed the words ‘Trying to live my truth.’
“I would never!” Phil laughed and rubbed Dan’s back reassuringly.
---
Phil gave the new YouTube feature a shot. His contact had basically told him that there could be good money in for him if he posted shorts consistently but Phil was honestly a bit burnt out and he was emotionally consumed by Dan. It was stupid, he knew, to let Dan back into his life and make everything about him so fast, but he couldn’t help it. At least it seemed that Dan was also focusing on him for the most part, that and work.
He sat in front of the blank wall that served as his new filming space, checking the lighting, that all of his trinkets were in order and that the brown bits of his plant were facing away from the camera. The doorbell rang just as he was reaching for the record button and he sighed in frustration until he realised that it was probably Dan.
A big goofy smile made its way into Phil’s lips when he looked through the cameras and buzzed Dan in. He leaned against the door, waiting for Dan to let him know he had made it up. He felt so many butterflies in his stomach, it was stupid, but he didn’t care.
There was a soft knock on the door and Phil pulled the door open, happy to see his smile reflected in Dan’s face.
“What were you up to?” Dan asked, inviting himself in and taking off his shoes.
“Just about to film some shorts,” Phil said dismissively. “It’s a bit boring, but I was promised some money for it, and who knows, maybe they will push my channel a bit more. They didn’t say that, but a guy can hope.”
Dan nodded. “Do you need help?”
“Yeah, I could use some company so I don’t fall asleep in front of the camera or something. Sit on the floor by the camera like you used to?”
“Sure. Always loved being your assistant.” Dan walked over to the “set” and waited for Phil to be ready. When he got the go-ahead, he hit record.
“Hey guys, did you know that my fmalee, female,” he laughed. “Family!”
“Great job, Phil!” Dan laughed but didn’t stop the recording.
“Be quiet, assistant!” Phil joked and completely forgot whatever silly story he was going to tell. He thought about it for a moment and decided that they should work on Dan’s projects rather than his very small ones. “Why don’t we do yours? I have skit ideas for the first video and I thought of some nice shots for the depression one as well.”
“Really? Don’t you need to do these first?”
“Nah, I can do them later. I just want you to lay down so I can throw food at you.”
“I don’t know how to feel about that,” Dan snorted.
“I was thinking popcorn. That’s for the part when you talk about not wanting to eat. And we can also do a bit where I call you to watch the finale of Game of Thrones and you don’t want to.”
“I wish I could go back in time and not watch that, and that’s not the depression talking.”
“Maybe you have the sight in this bit and that’s why you don’t want to get up,” Phil said.
“That will be the real story behind the skit in my heart forever.” Dan laughed. “Alright, I like that. What was the shot you wanted for DAD?”
“Dad?” Phil asked, almost choking in his own spit at the thought of Dan calling him that.
“No, D.A.D. Daniel and Depression.”
“Oh, right. You could be in bed with your eyes closed and open them to stare at the camera with empty, soulless eyes.”
“So my normal eyes. Got it. You would have to come by to film me in my bed.”
“I was thinking that you could use my bed.”
“The AmazingPhil room? Dan’s eyes widened. “Wouldn’t people be able to tell?”
“No, the bigger one I actually sleep in now. I only showed that room once and didn’t really point the camera at the bed, but we can go to your flat if you want.”
“If you think it will work well for the shot, we can do it here,” Dan said. “Do you have any decent non-green sheets?”
“Lol, shut up, rat. I’ll have you know I use manly blue and grey sheets now.”
“Ooh! So manly!” Dan laughed.
“Very!” Phil laughed. “So, where do you want to lay like a dying slug first, the bed or the sofa?”
“Hmmm, the sofa?”
“Great. Go to my closet and get some joggers or something comfy while I make the popcorn, don’t worry about it, you will have a blanket on you,” Phil said.
Dan gave him an amused smile and trotted along to the bedroom. Five minutes later he was back in grey joggers and a basic white T-shirt.
Phil had to curse himself for suggesting grey joggers, they really brought the best out in Dan, so he tried to keep his eyes above the belly button and focus on filming. Once Dan had lay down, Phil threw a blanket on him and did a few shots throwing popcorn on his face while Dan remained motionless. They had to alternate with the ones where he was called and just rolled over or buried himself under the blanket because Dan kept eating the popcorn and Phil had to keep making more.
Once they confirmed that they had what they needed, they went straight to the bed and stripped it bare, choosing different bedding for the take. A moody charcoal grey set was perfect for it and it matched Dan’s colours. If Phil angled it right, nobody would be able to tell it was his bed.
Dan decided to take his top off before getting into bed to be more accurate and Phil tried very hard not to stare, checking the exposure on the camera for a bit. When Dan told him that he was ready, it was time for Phil to basically walk over him and film him from above. It took them a few tries and Phil almost fell on Dan and probably cracked his ribs, but they got it. Dan seemed to really like the idea and promised to use it.
“Ok, so that’s what I had planned,” Phil finally said.
“Wait, I have a few ideas to add. Do you have cereal and yoghurt? Like the thick Greek kind?”
“Yeah…” Phil answered.
“Ok, and birthday decorations?”
“That’s pushing it a bit but I have like a few party hats and candles.”
“Great, let’s do this,” Dan said. “By the way. I just saw a hilarious clip of you messing up on that gas leak video in your sd card. You should post it to shorts.”
Phil considered it briefly; that would save him a lot of work. “I have quite a few bloopers. It could be a lessamazingphil video.”
“Definitely.”
---
May 2017
As June got closer and closer without an end in sight for the BIG project, Phil suggested that Dan focus on his other videos, the ones that would serve as an introduction for his magnum opus.
Dan was still very complicated about what month each video could be posted on, so his coming out was reserved for June of 2018. It was not an easy decision. He’d expressed how he feared giving himself more time to work on it would result in him freaking out about it and having to scrap the entire project, but Phil reminded him that he would be there to support him and that each person had their own time. There was no need to rush.
And so it began.
This obviously meant that Phil had to push his own coming out video to the following year, which made Dan feel very guilty, but Phil told him that it wasn’t a big deal to him, it hadn’t been for years since he was not in the closet exactly, not to those close to him at least.
Dan continued to support Phil on his projects as he stressed on his own and even helped him move out of his iconic flat into one that would have less of a stalker problem and that would allow him to have a better work/life balance. They even snapped a few pictures but Phil decided to keep them to themselves. It was then that Phil finally felt confident enough to evict his fringe and change it into a quiff, which got him a lot of praise from the viewers, but most importantly, from Dan.
During the rest of the year, as Dan began to post videos and dared to be more vulnerable with his audience, the views and subscribers started to grow and grow fast. Dan was a bit nervous at first but also excited to be able to share his personal growth and use his platform to help people as much as possible. He knew how much representation mattered because he saw none growing up. He wanted to be there for people, discussing serious topics in his classic style, full of dark humour but toning the self-deprecation down.
A part of this new era on Dan’s career included a very necessary rebranding, finally letting go of his danisnotonfire persona and being Daniel Howell, the person. Letting people see the real him and being loved for it did wonders for Dan’s self-esteem and helped him get even closer to Phil since his insecurities had been a big part of their problems in the past.
Dan posted a string of related videos and the mini (unofficial) series was a success. It was a trifecta; the perfect storm. The first one was about his self-discovery journey and him trying to learn what he wanted to do with life, the second one was about his depression and mental health in general and in June of 2018 came the big finale of the series: Basically I’m Gay.
June 2018
On the day BIG was set to be posted, Phil declined Dan’s invitation to watch it together. Not that he hadn’t watched parts of it before, but he knew how heavy the script was, and Dan hadn’t wanted to show him the full video before posting, so this would be the first time he would hear some parts of Dan’s story and he knew it would break his heart into a million pieces and potentially make him cry like a child.
As soon as he saw the tweet, he clicked on the link, his hands shaking, and hit play, letting Dan’s voice captivate him and let him into his mind. Dan looked so confident and beautiful with his black sequin jacket and the rainbow lighting switching during the entire video like a soft gay halo. Things started somewhat sad but as the story progressed into Dan’s teen years, Phil knew it was only going to get worse. He let out a choked sob when Dan spoke about that night so many years ago, when Phil had missed his calls, the time Dan had almost -
He didn’t want to think about a world without Dan. He had imagined that was what Dan had hinted at at the time, but a part of him hadn’t wanted to believe it; especially because Dan had tried to reach out and Phil had been out getting drunk and almost lost him entirely.
He felt incredibly guilty, but at the same time, he knew that he shouldn’t focus on that and make the video about himself. Instead, he clicked back a bit and really paid attention to what Dan had to say, to understand more of his pain and be able to support him.
The end of the video gave Phil a great inkling of where Dan’s journey was at the moment and what he wanted and needed to do. He would try his best to make that happen for him. He shot Mark a quick text asking him for tickets to Noah’s drag show and scrolled down to see the interactions.
Phil could only hope that the comments under the video specifically would be good and supportive; if this video tanked or got a bunch of negative comments, it could hurt Dan’s healing on the topic and probably ruin their new friendship - relationship? They still hadn’t addressed that and it was probably still too soon to do so.
Thankfully, the response was overwhelmingly positive and Dan was even featured on YouTube’s front page. The video was in every recommended box and other youtubers, past and present, supported him and listened to his story carefully.
Shortly after Dan started replying to people, Phil wrote very carefully a tweet of his own, mentioning how proud he was of Dan and letting the viewers know that he may have a video coming as well.
Opening Twitter was something else. He was so glad he hadn't seen the video before and was a part of everyone's experience now. There were tears and excitement and more gifs than you could count about having Dan back and getting to know him all over again and the person he was now. ‘Dan Howell’, ‘Phil’ and ‘Dan and Phil’ were trending worldwide. Yes, Dan and Phil were still Dan and Phil but they were also two separate entities with different goals and approaches to things. And people seemed to be aware of it already.
He was so proud of Dan and so proud of the little goblins that enjoyed their videos for trying to avoid hurting Dan’s feelings or being offensive. It hadn’t always been like that in the past, but it now seemed that the viewers had grown quite a bit as people as well; or perhaps the bad ones had gotten bored and left, it was hard to tell.
Phil grabbed his phone again to send Dan a text but before he could send it, his doorbell rang. Not his actual external doorbell, but the one right outside his flat. His heart crawled up to his throat as he walked to the door and looked out the peephole but it was entirely pitch black.
“Boo!” Dan said, almost killing him of a heart attack. He stepped away from the door snickering.
Phil opened the door and swatted at his arms before dragging him inside by his shirt. “Idiot. How did you even get up here?”
“A pretty girl asked me who I was looking for and I said you so she let me in. She was flirty,” Dan said with a smirk.
Frowning, Phil thought who the skank would be… “Blonde, fried ends with lips too big for her face?”
“I guess,” Dan shrugged.
“I guess she’s pretty, if you’re into that.”
“Awww, don’t be like that. She let me in to see you. Don’t be jealous.”
“What if you were a killer?” Phil asked, poking Dan’s chest with his finger.
“I don’t think I look like a killer,” Dan laughed.
“Exactly, so you would get away with it easier,” Phil said. “I have a spare key, you can have it.” He hadn’t really thought about it until then, but that was actually a big step. Dan had never had a key to his place. Was it the right time? He paused until he saw Dan’s smile widened and his hand extending, expecting the key to be placed on it. He grabbed it from the console table and gave it to Dan.
“Thank you,” Dan said. “That would be very helpful. And if someone kills you, I can find your body first.”
Phil narrowed his eyes at him. “Don’t get any ideas,” he said in mock offence and walked down the hallway, plopping himself down onto the grey sofa.
“This sofa needs a good crease to be more ergonomic,” Dan commented, as he sat down and shuffled in place to get more comfortable.
“You’ll have to come by more often and create it yourself.”
Dan opened his mouth to answer but saw Phil’s laptop open on the coffee table, still on his video. He looked at Phil expectantly. “Well?”
“It was amazing. It’s my favourite video that you’ve ever made. Very raw and honest, sad at times and very funny.”
“Thank you,” Dan said. “Your tone changed, you were chirpier. Did the mention of our story bother you or…”
“No!” Phil said, sitting upright, his hands picking at the fluff balls on his pyjama pants. “Of course not, and you had shown me that part anyway.” He paused, considering his next words very carefully. “It just brought me back to that week when you wouldn’t answer my messages or calls after I went out and missed yours. I remembered the panic and the worry, and then when you half told me what had happened and I tried to make myself believe that it was not what you meant because I didn’t want to think about losing you. It was a scary week.” He cleared his throat to avoid getting choked up and tried to blink his unshed tears away.
“I’m sorry to have worried you like that.” Dan reached his hand towards Phil and Phil immediately took it. “I’m glad that my grandma was there for me and gave me a place to stay while I recovered from that ordeal,” he said. “I’m glad that I’m here now, with you. I couldn’t have done it without you, even back then when we were just internet friends. Most days talking to you was all I could look forward to. You were the only positive influence in my life.”
Phil didn’t know what to say, so he just pulled Dan into a hug and rubbed his back. “I’m so glad that you’re here,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you,” Dan said, returning the hug. “And thank you for giving me a second chance. No matter what, you will always be my best friend.”
“That’s true. No matter what,” Phil said and pressed a small kiss to Dan’s cheek, feeling him smile and seeing his little dimple make an appearance.
---
That Saturday, Dan came over to get his outfit checked before they headed to the drag show. He was nervous as that would be his first outing to a gay establishment after his official coming out.
Phil had no idea why Dan wanted his approval. His fashion sense was immaculate and he had worked hard on curating a very nice closet. In short, Dan looked fucking hot, stunning, divine, and Phil tried very hard not to say that, and just give him an appropriate amount of praise. On the other hand, Phil suspected that what was making Dan so nervous was meeting Mark again after what went down between them and the fact that Mark had it out for him. On that aspect, Phil didn’t know if Dan was terrified of being judged or just outright jealous of Mark. It was no accident that after over a year from the day Dan and Phil hit reset on their friendship, Dan and Mark had not shared space at all.
“Maybe I should change, I have another shirt in my backpack. I just need to iron it,” Dan said and reached for his bag.
Phil pulled him by the shirt and gave him a slow kiss, effectively shutting him up. “What’s going on in here?” he asked, tapping on Dan’s forehead.
“What do you mean?” Dan asked, playing coy.
Phil just raised his eyebrows at him. “Why are you so nervous?”
“I haven’t seen Mark in years, the last time he saw me I looked stupid, he hates me and he’s really hot and his partner too. Also, they are out and have been since like 2008 or something and I’m just here, I feel like I’m on my gay training wheels.”
Phil rubbed his arms gently. “I know why you say that, but you have come out to some people before, right? You had a boyfriend.”
Dan looked down in shame. “I never introduced him to anyone because I was too scared. We just hung out with his friends but I never actually took him anywhere.”
The silence that hung between them made Dan finally look back at him.
Phil must have given him a shocked look because Dan’s face fell immediately, his expression was very defensive.
“I wasn’t ready to be out,” Dan said, trying to justify his actions. “I know it was bad to get him into that situation, that’s why I apologised so much to him. He was right to break up with me.”
“I mean… It is a very complex situation but he did agree to date you under those circumstances,” Phil said, carefully considering the matter and wondering if he would have accepted those terms himself. “You did things in your own timeline and nobody can fault you, at least for that part of the story.”
“He said that I was a disaster and he doubted my ability to help LGBTQ+ people as a therapist given that I hadn’t worked through my own trauma or come out to anyone and I wasn’t really living the way I wanted,” Dan said. “That hurt me a lot, but I can’t say that he was wrong. Even if it’s easier to see other people’s mistakes and to know what they should do from the outside, I hadn’t gone through what I would probably advise them to do.”
“A valid point,” Phil conceded. “Expressed in quite a cruel way, but given that it was a breakup and that he knew you were trying to speak to me again… I understand.”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course, I understand,” Dan said.
Phil gave him a quick peck on the lips and smiled reassuringly. “We should go,” Phil said, looking at the time on his phone. “I don’t want to get there after the show starts, it’s disrespectful.”
Dan grabbed his jacket and put it on, checking himself in the mirror by the front door. “Alright, I’m ready,” he said but paused. “Does Mark still kiss you randomly?”
“No, of course not. You know he has a boyfriend,” Phil said. “And we haven’t been involved like that since like 2013. It was a mutual decision and to help the change move faster he moved out of the flat that same year. We never looked back.”
“Do you miss it?” Dan asked, biting his lip. “Do you wish it was still like that?”
“No,” Phil said, trying not to lose his patience with Dan. He had his doubts and even if he had chosen a very inconvenient moment to ask them, he deserved full honesty. Phil looked into Dan’s eyes for a moment and thought that another question would be coming but Dan just smiled and let out a happy sigh.
“Alright,” Dan said. “Let’s go.”
By the time they made it to the club, the place was booming but Mark had saved them a table. He was sitting at their usual spot, waving them over and had the good grace of smiling at Dan, which was good since Phil didn’t want to have to murder his friend.
“Hey, Dan. I watched your video today, it was very powerful,” Mark said, patting Dan’s shoulder. “First time out?”
Dan looked at Mark with misty eyes, sneaking a glance at Phil and smiling. “Thank you so much,” he said, placing a hand on his chest. “Yeah, thank you for having me.”
Phil could tell how happy this was making Dan. He was being validated not only by Phil’s friend but by someone in the community that Dan had mentioned he feared would reject him. “Take this chair so you can see the stage better. Noah is so talented! He looks just like Lady Gaga in drag, which is hilarious.”
Dan sat where Phil had indicated, which left him with Phil at one side and Mark at the other. “What are we having?” he asked.
“Fries, obviously and some cocktails or beer,” Phil said. “What would you like?”
“Hmm, a margarita?” Dan smiled.
Phil smiled. Dan still liked his margaritas. “I’ll have one too, but we can let the bar know we want to reserve a bottle of Rosé for when Noah is done.”
“Oh, honey, he told them already. You know how he gets,” Mark said, using his actual unguarded voice.
Dan and Phil’s eyes widened. Dan because he had never heard Mark speak like that, and Phil because he knew that Mark only allowed a very small selection of people to hear him be openly flamboyant. He didn’t care for masculine stereotypes but he did care about giving people things they could mock him for.
“Please welcome Miss Kitty Tattletale!” said the announcer.
“There she is! Woooooo!” Mark yelled and threw a rose at his boyfriend.
“There he is, my husband!” Miss Kitty yelled, pointing at Mark. “Well,” she continued. “He’s not my husband yet, but I know damn well that a ring is coming, or he won’t be coming any time soon!” She said and the crowd laughed. “I’m joking, love. I love you. So how is everyone doing tonight with this shit weather? I almost didn’t have to tuck at all!”
Dan laughed and Mark joined him and patted his hand. Phil smiled. There were few ways faster to Mark’s heart than through praising Noah or enjoying his show.
“I know, I know that being our holy month, we have a lot of newcomers in the house, perhaps people that are fresh out of the closet,” Miss Kitty said. The crowd cheered. “I’m going to ask you to please, cheer, yell and toast to welcome our new siblings, the newest members of our community, to let them know that they are loved and accepted here, no matter what the outside world says. Give it up for the babies!”
The crowd went wild, a few people were patted on the back by their friends. Mark and Phil cheered as loud as they could while Dan smiled so big, Phil thought his face was going to get stuck like that. Dan even rushed to wipe a tear rolling down his cheek but Phil saw it, silently reaching for his hand under the table and lacing their fingers together. Dan leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.
For the first lip sync Noah went for “Born this way” and gave it his all, ending in a full split that reminded Phil just how unfit he was.
By the time the show ended, the three of them were quite tipsy and Dan had gone to the face paint station to get some glitter around his eyes, which suited him beautifully, like most things in life. Noah joined them bare faced and introduced himself to Dan before pulling him into a tight hug, as if they had been great friends for years. “Oh, darling. It’s so good to finally meet you. Phil had you hidden away, but I knew the day would come.” He then walked around the table and took the only available seat, right across from Dan.
“Thank you. I just escaped his basement,” Dan joked.
“Did he have you all tied up?” Noah asked and without waiting for an answer he laughed. “How kinky! Tell me, Dan, how are you enjoying the attention your video is getting?”
Dan blinked, surprised by the change in topic. “It has been mostly good, so I am shocked. I expected some backlash, or to lose subscribers, that kind of thing, but it was quite the opposite. It has helped me view the world in a more positive light, I guess.”
“I am happy for you. I can tell that you worked hard on your video,” Noah said.
“I also told you that he worked hard on it,” Phil said.
“Some people work for something in a year and you can’t tell, in this case, I could tell because the video was very entertaining but also honest and the script was very eloquent. You know, if you ever want to try drag, I think you would be good at it. Just let me know.”
“I would love that, but I think if I tried to wear heels, I would probably fall to my death,” Dan laughed. “I’m really clumsy.”
“If Phil hasn’t fallen with how many times we got him into a dress, there’s probably hope for you,” Mark said.
Dan smiled and looked at Phil. “Really? How did you like it?”
“It was fun, but tight dresses and heels are not my thing, it makes me feel a bit constricted,” Phil said, but the image of Dan in drag popped into his head and brought out a smile on him. “You would look cute in a skirt though.”
Dan cocked his head, probably considering it, but shrugged. “Maybe.”
Noah tapped on Dan’s shoulder excitedly. “Hey, did Phil tell you we liked your play last year? I’m sorry we couldn’t stay, I was super tired.”
“He did, actually. Thank you so much for coming!”
“Oh, you’re welcome. Oh! Here comes the Rosé!” Noah said. “Let’s make a toast!” He poured Rosé for everyone and raised his own flute. “To living your truth!”
“To living your truth,” they all said. Phil snorted at Noah’s accidental admission to stalking Dan’s channel. He hadn’t expected anything else from his friends.
Dan smiled widely and mouthed a thank you to Phil before shuffling closer to him.
That night, Phil considered inviting Dan to sleep over but he knew how fast things could escalate, especially while they were both tipsy. He thought he was ready, but he wanted to see where Dan stood before things progressed, so they shared a taxi, each getting out at their respective flat.
---
On the last day of June, Phil finally posted his own coming out video. It was short and mostly positive, merely conveying part of his journey as a young gay teen and how that differentiated him from his friend group, and offering a bit of advice to his viewers. People reacted very positively to the video, as much as they did to Dan’s but what really put a smile on his face was cuddling up on the sofa with Dan and answering the array of texts flowing in from the northern gang.
Richie: Congrats Phil! I can’t believe you are out on the internet. I saw Dan’s video too btw.
Phil: Thanks. I’ll never get used to seeing your name as richie. I don’t know a richie.
Anja: Now that he knows lying has consequences he can’t keep the big dick display name. Congrats Phil!
Sarah: I really loved how short and to the point the video was. And the closet thing too! That was super funny.
Anja: You should have really posted the closet bit only as a joke, but I understand that you care about your art xD.
Richie: Hey! I was just putting Christina to bed and I come back to pure slander. Shame on you Anja!
Ian: I mean… let’s not dwell on that for your sake. Congrats Phil! The wife and kid say hi.
Phil: Tell them I said hi back. How is Angie?
Ian: Growing faster than I would like to. She made a unicorn with beads for you. It has flaming rainbow hair.
Phil: I want it. Save it for me.
Ian: Isn’t it time for us to get together? It has been way too long.
Anja: Yes!!!
Richie: Bring Dan. He never bullied me like these roaches.
Ian: I won’t bully you if you bring Christina.
Richie: Deal.
Phil showed Dan his phone and saw his smile widened
“Did you tell them we are together?” Dan asked.
Phil shook his head. “I guess they just assumed.”
Phil: Dan and I are not together.
Sarah: What?
Anja: Phil…
Phil: We are taking things slowly, seeing where we are now. Still working on it.
Anja sent an audio: “Phil I swear to fucking god, it has been years. Get on with it!”
Dan cackled and buried his face in Phil’s neck. “She does have a point.”
Phil: We’re waiting until marriage.
Ian: Can you also invite Mark or would he fight Dan to the death?
Phil: debatable. I’ll get back to you on that.
He laughed and let his phone slide between the couch cushions, choosing to kiss Dan instead of keeping the conversation going.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 7: Somebody I used to know
2013 was like a fresh start for Phil, not that he had ever wanted one. Returning to his packed-up Manchester flat after spending New Year with his parents was nothing short of devastating. He looked around the sea of boxes and the happy memories and let out a choked sob, starting to hyperventilate as he thought about Dan. He was supposed to be there to help him, bring his things so they could move to London - together.
He walked around the flat and cried until his stomach hurt. He could see Dan everywhere. The sleepovers, the nights cooking together, the laundry crises. Finding Dan’s Manchester hoodie was the last straw; Phil’s world was falling apart around him like a house of cards and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He heard the keys turning at the door and covered his face with both hands, trying to calm himself down, but he felt faint. He slid to the floor slowly and felt a pair of strong arms wrapping around him.
“What’s wrong?” Mark asked.
Phil tried to speak but only managed to sob loudly. At least that meant that he could breathe a bit better.
“Is it Dan?” Mark asked and Phil nodded against his chest. “Don’t worry, love. I’m coming with you.”
Phil looked up at him in confusion. “What?” he said shakily.
“Did you think I would let you go alone when you’re like this?” Mark smiled sadly.
Phil shook his head. “Your job-”
“I quit. I have a few interviews set up already,” Mark said. “You are more important.”
Pulling Mark into a tight hug, Phil continued to cry. He was fucking pathetic but at least he had good friends. “T-thank you.”
“It’s ok. Who wants to work retail anyway?” Mark laughed. “This will push me to find a job in my field.”
Phil smiled through the tears despite everything and looked around the flat again. He had been so immersed in his pain that he hadn’t noticed Mark’s things packed as well. He couldn’t go on like this, he needed help.
---
The train ride to London was quiet, too quiet, but he knew that Mark understood, and apparently kept himself busy texting someone all the while. Even as they walked into their London flat, Phil just stood by the door and thought of what to say, but he had nothing at all. Mark pressed a kiss to his forehead and went exploring.
He stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do before going after Mark. “Which bedroom do you like?” Phil asked in a monotone voice and Mark gave him a sad look.
“I don’t know, which one do you want?” Mark tried.
Phil shrugged.
“Maybe the bigger one would be good for filming,” Mark said, trying to get a single emotion out of Phil.
That was true, but if he was honest with himself, he had pictured Dan filming in that bedroom. “I want the small one, it has better lighting,” he lied.
Mark smiled at him and rubbed Phil’s arm gently. “Deal,” he said. “Come on, I’ll make you a coffee before the movers get here.”
“We don’t have the kettle here yet.”
“I brought it just for you, what do you take me for?” Mark said.
That finally stole a smile from Phil.
He sat on the grey sofa that came with the flat and felt himself sink into it. It was almost too soft, but it would have to do. Mark joined him a little while later, or so Phil thought, but the worried look he gave him let him know that maybe it had been longer.
“I’m going to need you to keep living,” Mark said, handing him a cup of coffee.
“I am,” said Phil flatly.
“You’re not,” Mark countered. “We’re going to order pizza, you’re going to eat at least half and then get a shower.”
Phil frowned. “Do I stink that badly?”
“No, of course not. You know I would tell you,” Mark snorted. “But it will help you to… I don’t know, get into your routine again and it’s self-care.”
“Hmm,” Phil said. “I was thinking of finding a therapist.” He paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I think I need help.”
“Admitting it is the first step. I’m glad that you decided to get help.” Mark took a sip from his mug and winced. “Too hot. What made you finally think of therapy? You have been very resistant.”
Phil considered telling Mark what he had been thinking about recently but pursed his lips.
“I can tell that you’re keeping something from me.”
“I don’t think we should have sex anymore,” he mumbled.
“We haven’t done it in ages, love. I assumed as much, but I understand the need to set a boundary. And don’t think that I’m buying that, that’s not what’s bothering you. Please, just…” He trailed off.
“I’m exhausted,” Phil finally said, nursing his drink.
“Go on.”
Phil pulled on a loose thread sticking out of his T-shirt. “And… sometimes I just want to sleep.”
“I’m going to need you to finish that thought.”
“I want to just sleep and not wake up… sometimes,” he shut his eyes, not wanting to see Mark’s face when he said it. “Just sleep forever. Rest. I want to rest.” He dared look up into Mark’s eyes.
“Phil!” Mark said, his eyes filling with tears. He took their mugs and set them on the coffee table before pulling him into a tight hug. “Phil, shhhhhhh. Don’t say that!”
“I’m sorry,” Phil said, the only emotion coming to the surface being shame for making Mark cry. Mark never cried. “I’ll get help.”
“I’m here,” he said shakily, rubbing Phil’s back.
Phil remembered to hug Mark back. “I’ll eat. ¨Promise”
“Good,” Mark whispered.
That night, Phil did eat and shower and lay awake all night thinking. It was completely stupid but he still hoped that Dan would reach out, notice that Phil had stopped trying to communicate and suddenly remember that he’d had a friend, but that didn’t happen.
Slowly, life got busy again. Mark took care of him for the entire first month of their London adventure, but as he started a trial period as an accountant at a Tesco, Phil had to get his shit together. Life was going to continue with or without him and it was time that he actually did something for himself. It took him two tries to find a therapist that he liked and that he felt comfortable enough to discuss Dan with.
She agreed that his diagnosis was anxiety, not depression, but the frown on her face when he mentioned the natural sedatives let him know that she didn’t approve of Dan’s suggestion. Each session left him depleted, causing him to take a taxi home and get into bed immediately. Still, Mark had no mercy for him and woke him up to eat dinner every single time. It took a few months to give her a full rundown of his life and what he was going through at the moment but she seemed optimistic about his future. Wednesdays soon became the days he looked forward to, and sometimes, it even seemed too long between sessions but he held on to his sanity as hard as he could and didn’t ask to go twice a week.
Coincidentally, as his mental health improved, so did his career. AmazingPhil hit 1 Million subscribers, and his monthly radio show got quite popular and usually went smoothly, except for the time he switched the show off the air and nearly got himself fired. He’d been charming enough that the producers decided to have a sit down with him and explain what every button did 20 times instead of giving him the boot. He was on the cover of many teen magazines, had to do photoshoots here and there, both of which he hated, and started to be able to actually save money. Well, eventually; at first he didn’t even have the money to get a haircut so his mane looked ridiculous and he ate ramen for quite a while, but then things got somewhere.
Still, Dan’s absence was like a shadow cast over his life. Not a day went by when Phil didn’t wonder what he was up to, or where he was. It was inevitable since it was still affecting his life: when Dan had pulled from every project he hadn’t signed by December of the previous year, Phil had had to let go of some things that just didn’t make sense without him. They had book deals lined up among other things that he didn’t feel confident enough to do on his own. The idea of the book was a tribute to their joint content, their friendship and their fans. Project X, the gaming channel, was also dropped. Phil couldn’t even imagine playing MarioKart, Halo, or any of the other games they’d played together.
By the end of the year, Mark had met Noah, his boyfriend and moved in with him. It had been a welcome change for both of them. Mark deserved to be happy and not be Phil’s carer and Phil needed to be an adult and take care of himself. It was ok, he felt ready to do it and he knew Mark would have never left if Phil wasn’t actually doing better. He’d even started to feel that he didn’t even need weekly therapy appointments anymore.
That is, until Christmas. Phil had gotten it into his head that he would be ok with spending Christmas home alone instead of going up North. Family gatherings had not been great on his anxiety, especially the previous holiday season with all the questions about Dan and what he would do now that he didn’t have a collab partner, but it turned out that being alone with no plans was also not good for his mental health either.
He had held off putting the tree up until the 24th because it reminded him of the time he and Dan had decorated his parents’ house for Christmas that week in December. At first, putting on music and singing along was keeping his mind on the right track, but when he got to the ornaments, he found a small brown bear with a red ribbon around its tiny neck. He could hear the memory of the first time he’d seen it even to this day.
“Do you like it?” Dan said.
“Aw, it’s so cute!”
“It’s for you. My family used to call me Bear when I was little so I wanted to give you something to remember me by when we’re not together.”
“I wish you could stay,” Phil regretted.
“Me too!” Dan said. “I better give you your New Year’s kiss now, since I won’t be here…”
Phil smiled widely, his stomach full of butterflies as Dan pressed their lips together for a sweet kiss.
He blinked, his mind returning to the present. He looked down at the tiny bear and saw a tear fall on its head. Pausing, he considered putting the ornament in the trash, but he didn’t have the heart to do it. He couldn’t display it either.
He cleared his throat, reached for the star, put it at the top of the tree and closed the box. The tree looked a bit silly with lights and only the star but there was no one around to pester him about it. He put the box away and made himself a drink or five before going out to a club to find someone new to have sex with.
---
2014 and 2015 only brought Phil more success, more subscribers and more work. He got his own request show on Radio 1 and even hosted the Brit Awards. He was so proud of himself and the fact that he always managed to convince extremely famous people to play his silly games, wear masks and answer his random questions. Phil found that he had a talent to come up with things on the spot so he was never caught with his pants down, so to speak. His pants were often down though, but for very different reasons. He might not have been the hottest guy around but he was confident enough that he could pull nearly any guy he wanted and so he treated himself quite often, allowing himself to feed his ego in what he knew was the wrong way, but it kept him afloat.
Feeling better about himself, Phil finally decided to give mixed therapy a go to finish resolving what he had been carrying with him for so long and the new day to day things that added to his anxiety and random bouts of insomnia. At least, he’d capitalised on that with the Sleepless Night With Phil videos. His new therapist wasn’t amused by that.
It took him nearly a full year to feel like he was getting anywhere near to being stable but it was worth it. In 2016 he also continued experimenting with meditation after remembering how it had helped in the past, and found a method that suited him better than just clearing his mind. His mind was never empty, on the contrary, it was always chaotic and colourful, so he used that in his favour.
He had officially dated 3 guys, all of them good people, but he didn’t feel for them like he had for Dan; they weren’t nearly as funny, or as compatible with him. He couldn’t help but compare them to Dan and, honestly, being closeted to his fans didn’t help matters either. Whatever relationship he wanted to embark on, it was doomed to fail because he didn’t want it out in the magazines and as a public person, he had nearly no privacy at all.
A curious yet helpful side effect of his lack of private life was that Phil got to address his hypersexuality in therapy because if he continued to hook up with random strangers, it was bound to come out and he didn’t feel like it was worth it. He did a complete 180 and decided that he didn’t want to do relationships or situationships anymore. Granted, his newfound lack of a sex life worried his therapist a bit, but she was supportive of him no longer channelling any failure or aspect in his life that he found lacking through sleeping around with anyone who caught his eye. It was partly due to her pointing out that Phil was using hypersexuality as a way of self-harm and as a way to boost his own self-esteem when he felt low. The first part was shocking, the other one not so much. It was hard to feel low when he felt wanted. She did call Phil out for his reticence to commit in relationships but he pretended that he didn’t hear her. That was a problem for future Phil.
At last, Phil found his self-worth within himself, his good heart and how he carried himself in his life, professionally and in his interpersonal relations. He prided himself in being a good son, brother, and friend. He made those special relationships a priority in his life and took great care of them, reaching out, having honest conversations and just saying I love you. In time, he’d realised that no matter how much you loved someone, sometimes it was necessary to say it out loud instead of letting people make an assumption.
What solidified the change had started to make on his own was his grandmother’s death. Phil wished he’d had the chance to say goodbye to her in person, that he had taken a trip up North, but she was gone in a blink. Instead, he tried to find comfort in the conversations they’d had in the last few months.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 4: We Should Be Friends
May 2010
After they’d posted their first collab a few months prior, their YouTube channels had started to receive a lot more attention. It was very evident that people preferred their chemistry and energy together rather than apart, so they decided to capitalise on that as often as they could. Why not? They had an amazing time filming together anyway.
During Phil’s first visit to Whockingham, he and Dan decided to give pinof (like everyone, including themselves, began to call it) a mighty counterpart, not a sequel, but… a different twist on the concept, this time on Dan’s channel. The questions were quite different from those they received for pinof, or as Dan put it, they were the same fans but they found it easier to express themselves on his channel. That might’ve been true since Dan received creepy mail from them often, while Phil got drawings and cute things for the most part.
A surprising aspect of sharing their friendship online was that people really shipped them. They didn’t say it out loud at first, but then the conversation started shifting from fans speaking to them to fans speaking about them, usually in places where Dan and Phil could easily see it, like Tumblr and Twitter.
It was no big deal at the time so they decided to carry on without paying the shippers any mind as long as they were not rude or super invasive.
---
January - June 2010
Moving back home with his parents after his master had been good the first few months. He even felt that he had a better relationship with his dad. It’s not that he didn’t love Phil, but he’d had so many expectations that didn’t align with what Phil wanted whatsoever, so there was no way Phil was going to fulfil them. The cordless hammer drill he’d given Phil for his birthday was testament enough of it.
Phil could be many things but the so-called ‘manly type’ was certainly not one of them. He was sensitive and he wore skinny jeans and eyeliner - and he liked men. But still, he felt a bit closer to his father now that they had shared a home as adults for some time.
Phil threw himself back onto his old bed and let out a huff. He felt like such a couch potato but he didn’t want to see anyone or do anything. As of late, he just felt like sleeping all day and playing games all night. His family was not fond of the little routine he had going but at the same time he was 23 years old, it’s not like they could tell him what to do like when he was a child. On the other hand, they were still his parents and this was still their home so the situation was a bit strange.
He was an adult, but he still wasn’t any good at it. It was as if he hadn’t fully developed yet and he often felt like everyone else had things figured out except for him. Anja had a good job and lived with her girlfriend. Most of his childhood friends had moved out and were able to support themselves - even Richard - and Phil was finding it hard to find a steady job.
He had a gig editing… “Adult videos” for the summer but then he was done.
Phil’s stomach growled, reminding him that he had refused to go down to eat all day to avoid his dad and the talk he so eagerly wanted to have. He had managed to put it off for nearly 24 hours but if he didn’t eat something soon he was going to faint - again.
Huffing, Phil sat up and regretted it immediately when his world spun. He took a deep breath and got out of bed, making his way downstairs with one hand to the wall to avoid falling. He walked into the empty kitchen and thought luck would be on his side this time, but when the microwave dinged announcing that the leftovers were ready, his dad appeared seemingly out of thin air.
“I thought you were never going to come out,” his dad joked, making Phil feel like shit for avoiding him.
“Sorry, I was just sleeping,” he said, grabbing the plate from the microwave and sitting at the breakfast bar.
“Are you sure?” his dad asked suspiciously, eyeing him carefully. “You look pale and your dark circles are only getting deeper.”
“Jeez, thanks Dad.” Phil rolled his eyes, already angry, even if he didn’t know why.
His dad raised his hands and took a small step back. “I’m just worried about you, that's all.”
Phil let out a small sigh. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m still tired. I’m alright.” He pushed the rice in his plate around, not really eating anything. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
“Your mum and I were talking a few days ago and… we are wondering what your plans are - for the future,” he said, finally coming to sit next to Phil.
“I don’t know yet,” Phil mumbled, trying to make himself smaller in his stool.
“We think it would be best if you find a job and move out j-”
“You’re kicking me out?” Phil said, dropping his fork and looking at him.
“No, Phil. Well… we know that you don’t really want to live here, but you don’t seem to know what you’re doing. You can’t sleep all day and stay up all night playing games forever. You’re wasting away.”
“I can’t believe you are kicking me out,” Phil said, his voice shaking a little in a mix of anger and hurt.
His dad put a hand on his shoulder. “We are not kicking you to the streets, just giving you a little push. We will help you move and give you money if you need it. And you’ll always have a place to return to if anything were to happen, you know that. We are worried about you,” he said. “And we want to see you do well, living your own life as an adult.”
Phil looked into his eyes.“I guess… you are right. I just don’t know what I’m doing,” he mumbled.
“That’s normal. Nobody is born knowing these things. We have all summer to figure it out - together.”
Phil nodded and finally took the first bite. The rice was already a bit too cold.
---
August 2010
Moving to Manchester turned out to be a blessing. He managed to land a job at the Disney Store that didn’t totally suck, and he had his very own place. His flat was basically a shoebox on Jefferson Place overlooking a prison but he didn’t have to share with anyone for the time being.
Well, he wasn’t officially sharing with anyone, but as Dan had promised in one of his YouTube videos, as soon as he started uni at Manchester, he “dumped all of his shit” at Phil’s and visited as often as he could. It was amazing to have his friend so close by, he was a great source of entertainment, and it kept Phil from going insane or staying in and getting cabin fever - if you could get cabin fever by living alone in Manchester.
Dan had helped Phil so many times in his life, just being there, being his friend and listening to his weird rants, and Phil was glad to have the opportunity to pay Dan back by being a bit of the voice of experience when it came to uni matters, and to provide Dan with a quiet place to study, or to have a breakdown when he needed it.
One fateful afternoon, barely 10 minutes after Phil walked in from work, the doorbell rang and when he opened the door, he saw Dan, soaking wet with a huge pile of laundry in a trash bag, lips trembling and eyes filled with unshed tears.
He knew better than to ask, so instead, he pulled Dan into a hug and grabbed the bag from him slowly, setting it on the floor. “It’s ok,” he mumbled into Dan’s hair. “Go sit on the sofa and I’ll make us some tea.”
“Thanks,” Dan said and made himself at home, taking his spot on the sofa, just like always.
Phil put on the kettle and set the cups on the counter before putting the first load into the washer; it looked like it would be probably three. “Are you having laundry problems again?”
“I’m having all sorts of problems… laundry is only one of them.”
“Anything I can do about it?”
Dan let out a huff and stared at the ceiling. “I guess… I just don’t fit in - anywhere. I thought this would be different, no rocks, no punches in the locker room, but it’s still the same. I’m still too fucking lame to make friends, my roommates are insane, people still gossip about me and I hate most of my classes. What’s the point of studying psych if I can’t figure out my own fucking problems?”
“You are cool, Dan. If your roommates don’t like you, that’s on them. You are one of the kindest people I know, who wouldn’t want to be your friend?” Phil asked, pouring the hot water into their mugs and bringing them over to the coffee table very carefully before sitting at his side. “Just hang out with other people, you don’t need to be their friend.”
“It’s easy for you to say, you make friends so easily.”
“I don’t, not anymore, I think. It was easier when I was a kid and I didn’t realise people found me weird, and then I figured out I’m gay and nobody else was,” Phil said, thinking back to high school. “Well, Anja is a lesbian but I didn’t know that until much later. I’ve been awkward all my life, but I eventually learned to pick the right people and to leave the judgemental ones behind. If they don’t like me, I don’t like them either.”
“You have the best personality ever. Anyone who doesn’t like you is crazy,” Dan said after a long pause.
“Well, that’s how I feel about you too,” Phil said, patting Dan’s knee.
“Thanks, Phil, really,” Dan said. “You’re a good friend.”
Phil nodded and tried to keep a straight face. “Now, about the laundry-”
Dan pushed him. “Shut up! Someone just took my load out and left it on the floor soaking, I’ve fucking had it.”
“That’s at least 3 loads, it won’t wash properly if you put too much in.”
“Your mum has too much in,” Dan retorted.
“Hey!”
“Fine, you have too much in!”
“Well, sometimes, but good friends keep quiet about it,” Phil said, giggling.
Dan blushed and hit him with one of the sofa cushions.
Their tea mugs sat on the coffee table, untouched.
-----
December 10th 2010
Phil sat on his bed staring at Dan through the pixelated Skype call, restlessly rocking back and forward, fixing his fringe and picking at his fingers absentmindedly. He wouldn’t have even noticed he was doing it if Dan hadn’t pointed it out.
“What’s with you, mate?” Dan asked.
Phil huffed at his computer and consequently at Dan’s smirking face on Skype. “I feel like I’m about to get sick. There’s something wrong with me.”
Dan’s face dropped. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just not normal,” he whined.
“Phil…” Dan said, his tone a clear warning.
“I just - Listen, Frasier got into a relationship, Mark is away chasing some guys from Essex and my other regular just stopped answering my texts. I haven’t had any sex in like two months and I feel like I’m going insane. Is that normal?”
Dan’s eyebrows shot up and he cackled.
“I’m serious! Sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I need to have sex constantly or I start getting in a bad mood. People can actually tell when I come back from someone’s house because I’m all smiles and I’m cheerful, then my mood drops as the days go by and now I think my friends are actually avoiding me. Am I sick?”
“I think it’s normal at our age. You got used to always having an option at hand and now your endless supply has run dry. You just need to get laid,” Dan said.
“Well, with whom? I don’t want to go ‘hunting’?” Phil said, meaning going out to a pub and meeting someone new. He was a bit over that.
“Ok, since you are not taking the hint, I will be more clear. I mean me. Do me,” Dan said with an awkward wink.
Phil’s mouth nearly hit the ground. To be honest, he had thought about it but only vaguely since Dan didn’t seem interested. “A-are you serious?”
“Yeah… if you want,” Dan said, scratching the back of his head.
“You don’t have to do this for me if you don’t want to, really. I don’t want you to feel pressured into it, I was just venting,” Phil said, feeling a bit embarrassed but also quite interested.
“You would be doing me a favour. I am also out of options and we are friends, why not enjoy it, right? It would be fun.”
Phil contemplated it for a moment but smiled and nodded. It would definitely be fun, like everything he did with Dan. It would be great. “Ok, so… when. And Where?”
“Since your parents are in Miami, why don’t I come over tomorrow and help you desecrate your childhood bed?” Dan smirked. “Ever had anyone over?”
Phil shook his head. “Not for sex.”
“Perfect,” Dan smiled.
---
They met in Manchester Piccadilly once again and took the bus to Phil’s childhood home, no extra stops or sightseeing this time. They hadn’t agreed on when it would happen so the anticipation, the tension between them and the little smiles Dan was giving him were driving Phil mad. He wanted to take it slow but he also wanted Dan in his bed immediately.
Phil took a calming breath as they entered the house, taking their coats and hanging them. The silence was deafening. “Do you want to order pizza and watch a movie?” he offered, trying to cut the tension.
“Yeah,” Dan said, looking relieved. He dropped his bag on the ground and went about checking Phil’s new DVD collection while Phil ordered.
Once the pizza was safely on the coffee table, they plopped down on the sofa and pressed play. Phil smiled when he saw the title screen for Wall-e; he had been meaning to watch that movie but he didn’t enjoy movies as much if he was home alone so watching it with Dan for the first time was just ideal.
The night was a bit of a rollercoaster. They commented along with the plot, marvelling at how cute Wall-e was, laughing at the jokes and nearly choking on the pizza when they thought Wall-e was dead. Dan was fully sobbing at that point but then… then Eva saved him, she helped him get better; just like Dan and Phil helped each other through the rough times.
Without giving it another thought, Phil wiped away Dan’s tears and pressed their lips together, pulling Dan into a hug and rubbing comforting circles on his back. It was a brief and sweet moment but when he tried to pull away, Dan looked into his eyes, buried his fingers in Phil’s hair and pulled him even closer, kissing him again.
Phil gasped and before he knew it, Dan was all over him, kissing him with more enthusiasm than anyone before. He ran his tongue on Phil’s lips, pulling at his hoodie and pressing him into the sofa, their breaths quickening.
Laughing, Phil pushed at Dan’s chest gently until the other paused, looking at him with wide eyes. Oh, how Phil loved those beautiful brown eyes. “Let’s go upstairs,” he said, breathlessly.
“Ok, yeah,” Dan said, helping Phil to stand and running up the stairs, but once they got to the bedroom door, he hesitated, not wanting to go inside.
Phil squeezed Dan’s hand in reassurance. “Hey, it’s ok if you don’t want to do anything. You know that, right?”
“No! I mean - I know that!” Dan said, biting his lip. “It’s not that, it’s just that… there’s something I haven’t told you, something big.”
Phil frowned, trying to guess what Dan was talking about. “What is it? You can tell me anything!”
“You remember my girlfriend, right?” Dan asked. “From high school.”
“Yeah, are you still together?” Phil asked, his stomach dropping. He had honestly no idea where this was going.
“No, no-no no,” Dan said, stalling. “I had a girlfriend but it was like only two months because I couldn’t do it with her,” he gestured vaguely.
Phil cocked his head at him. Was Dan trying to tell him that he had issues getting it up? He didn’t say anything hoping that Dan would elaborate so he didn’t have to think of something to say without putting his foot in his mouth.
“I couldn’t because… for the last 3 years I’ve been fucking Emily,” he mumbled, trailing off as he went to the point where Phil could barely make out the end of that sentence.
Phil’s face dropped and so did his jaw, his stomach, his heart. “What!? Your ugly cousin???!”
“NO!” Dan said, his brow burrowing into a frown. “Oh, my god! I said EMILIO!... Emilio,” he repeated, this time lowering his eyes to the floor.
“Oh,” Phil said, remembering that name. That was one of Dan’s emo friends.
“It’s over, but I haven’t been able to be with anyone else,” Dan said, barely breathing as he continued to explain himself. “He manipulated me so much, that’s why I didn’t always reply. He was constantly checking in on me and he didn’t want to make it official, but he also didn’t want me to be with anyone else. I don’t even know if I’m gay or if he just damaged me that much. I never thought about it, he just offered sex and I said yes because why would I say no? I was just horny.”
“Oh, Dan,” Phil said, pulling him into a hug. “We don’t have to do anything, you don’t need to prove anything to me or even yourself. It’s ok to take your time to figure it out, you know?”
Dan pressed his face into Phil’s neck, making the next words that came out of his mouth sound quite muffled. “I know, but I feel like - like it’s different with you. I’ve always known you were hot. I don’t need to figure that out, I just didn’t want to keep that secret from you. Nobody knows, none of our friends.”
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Phil ventured, letting go of Dan. He needed to know where Dan stood even if nothing else happened between them.
“No, I don’t think I ever did,” Dan said, letting out a frustrated huff. “It’s complicated. There was always so much drama. In the end he stopped texting me and one day he shows up at my door with a kid, because he had a girlfriend in another town and he got her pregnant and oh, and the name of the kid? Dan! He gave the kid my fucking name.”
Phil blinked and ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing what to say. “That’s a lot.” Fuck, that was a stupid comment.
“I know, that’s why I wanted you to know. Do you think I’m disgusting?” Dan asked.
“Dan… for having sex with a guy? I do that! Why would I think it’s disgusting?”
Dan shrugged. “I don’t know… It sounds stupid when you put it like that.”
“It’s not stupid. You’re not stupid,” Phil corrected himself, knowing what Dan meant. “I’m sorry that you felt so confused and manipulated by him. You deserve love and attention and an untainted friendship.”
“Do you think I will ever have that?” Dan looked at him as if Phil held the truth at the tip of his tongue and could simply speak it into existence.
“Yes, of course,” Phil said. “I would wait until you figured out how you feel about your own sexuality before you get into a relationship, but that’s it.”
“That’s exactly the problem,” Dan admitted. “I don’t think I will figure it out anytime soon. I’ve been bullied for being gay my entire life when I didn’t even know if I was gay or not,” he said. “But I still want to try with you, if you want. I feel trust you enough to know that everything will be ok.”
“Are you sure?” Phil asked.
Dan nodded and pressed their lips together. “Please,” he mumbled against Phil’s lips. Somehow, after the difficult talk they’d just had, Phil could tell that Dan was more relaxed and confident, so he let himself be guided to the bed and undressed at Dan’s pace, trusting him to know what he wanted.
Dan took a step back and looked at Phil’s naked body with hunger. “Do you have lube?” he asked.
Phil scrambled to open his nightstand drawer, making sure to put the different lube flavours and types as well as condoms at the top.
Picking one of the tubes, Dan stared at the label. “Cherry?” he asked, quirking one eyebrow.
“The flavoured ones are only for oral,” Phil explained. “Those don’t mix well with condoms.”
Looking at Phil’s cock, Dan smirked. “Actually, that’s an amazing idea,” he said, uncapping the lube, pouring way too much of it on his target and sinking to his knees.
Phil felt a bit at a disadvantage being the only one naked, but once Dan’s lips enveloped him, all his hesitation went out the window. Once Dan started to bob his head and use his unfairly huge hands on Phil, he knew he was in trouble. Try as he might, it was embarrassingly fast, but it made Dan super proud of himself if his wolfish smile was any indication.
Then it was Phil’s turn to undress Dan and explore his body, taking his time to learn what made him gasp and what made his toes curl. Feeling a bit competitive, Phil used every one of his tricks on Dan, pushing his buttons one by one until he was trembling, and only then did he take Dan cock in his mouth as far as he could take it without gagging and swirled his tongue around. Phil went tortuously slow, edging Dan until he was begging him and finally finished him off by hollowing his cheeks and taking him down his throat as he massaged his perineum, making sure to swallow every single drop.
Dan gave him a bewildered look. “You swallowed.”
“I did,” Phil smirked, rubbing his teary eyes with pride. It was the first time he had managed to deepthroat anyone without gagging, but he was not going to admit that to Dan.
“I don’t usually do that,” Dan admitted. “I don’t like the taste.”
“That’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to,” Phil said, his voice a little hoarse. “I don’t usually do it because it’s not ideal to do it with people you don’t know.” He lay down at Dan’s side and laced their fingers together. “It’s good to get tested every six months or so anyway, if you are active at least.”
“I never got tested,” Dan commented.
“You didn’t know, but now you do,” Phil smiled. “And you know I’m clean because I got tested last month.”
Dan nodded and turned towards him, laying one leg over Phil’s before leaning in for a kiss. It was sweet but deep and it lasted for what felt like forever. It made Phil’s head spin, reminding him of their first kiss, just over a year ago. The kiss that had definitely made an impact on him but left so many questions too. At least now he knew the answer to most of those questions, except for… what it all meant for Dan.
Phil turned towards him and pulled him closer, pressing their bodies together. He smiled into the kiss when he felt Dan’s hard on pressing against his. “Already?” he murmured.
“It’s your fault for being so hot,” Dan said against his lips.
Phil felt one of Dan’s arms reach for something behind his back but didn’t think much about it until he felt Dan’s slick hand wrapped around both of their cocks. Phil hissed at the cold feeling which felt strangely nice mixed with the touch and the warmth coming from Dan’s gorgeous body. He let Dan do as he pleased as their bodies moved in tandem, their kiss turning into a symphony of gasps and moans, the pressure slowly building within Phil as his orgasm surged. He tilted his head, kissing Dan’s neck and feeling him twitch as he let out a high pitched moan.
“Yes!” Dan hissed, as he began to tremble, trying to keep some semblance of a rhythm as he approached his orgasm.
“So hot,” Phil mumbled and bit Dan’s neck, perhaps a bit too hard.
“Fuck!” Dan moaned, his back arching as he came all over their chests, his hand going a bit lax until Phil wrapped his hand around Dan’s and both of their cocks and thrust into the fist.
Dan’s over stimulated whines only added to the fire. With a few more thrusts, he joined Dan, coming even harder than before.
“Lester,” Dan panted, a smile on his lips. “You’re a demon.”
Phil laughed, trying to catch his breath. “Maybe I am.” He buried his face into the crook of Dan’s neck and hummed, falling asleep shortly after.
The following morning, Phil woke up first and crawled over Dan, pulling a pair of joggers and a hoodie on before going to the bathroom to rinse his body and brush his teeth. He wanted to make Dan breakfast but he needed to look presentable; well, that and nobody likes to walk around with dry come all over their body. He made a mental note to avoid falling asleep without cleaning up next time.
It wasn’t anything fancy, just a bit of fruit and cereal. He was almost done and about to carry the tray up when he decided to add toast and eggs to the menu. It was fairly late anyway.
He walked into the bedroom and stopped in his tracks. He was shocked to find Dan gone and was considering checking the bathroom when he felt a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and something hard pressing against his ass, causing him to nearly drop the tray to the ground. “Jesus!”
“It’s just Dan, but if you want to worship me I’m in.”
Phil laughed. “I’ll worship your mum,” he said, setting the tray on the bed.
“I was hoping to worship yours.” Dan wiggled his eyebrows.
“Actually, shut up!” He nudged Dan’s chest gently.
“Alright, alright. I’ll worship this gorgeous ass,” he said with a hint of a question in his tone.
Phil could tell that it was a joke but perhaps also a request. “I’m in if you want.”
“Really?” Dan squeaked, his eyes a bit wide.
“Yeah!” Phil said with a smile.
“Ok.” Dan let out a happy sigh and looked much more relaxed after Phil’s reassurance.
They sat sideways on the bed, resting their backs against the wall and started eating breakfast. Time escaped them as they sat there for three hours without them even noticing, eating and chatting about life, especially everything that Dan had been stressing about - and kissing. In fact, they kissed so much that their lips were sore and puffy, and Phil was sure they would fall off at one point or another, but that didn’t happen.
An incredible feeling of happiness and inner peace filled Phil in such a way that he couldn’t stop smiling. He had honestly never felt like this, like his heart was going to crawl out of his chest. He briefly wondered if Dan felt the same, but even if he did, he knew that Dan was never going to admit it, not yet anyway. So instead of asking that, he decided to go with a different question. “Did you have fun last night?” He asked, setting the tray on the floor and scooching closer.
Dan got really quiet for a moment but his smile never dropped. “You know I did.”
“You know what I mean. Like, in general. How did you feel?” Phil pressed a bit.
“It was… the best. I could do that every day,” Dan said, being serious for only a moment before he smirked and continued. “So you better keep up, Lester. I’m going to wear you out.”
“We’ll see,” Phil said, smiling and biting into Dan’s neck without a warning. The whine Dan let out was evidence enough that he had won.
They eventually rolled out of bed and showered separately, so that they could actually wash up properly and go to the cinema. He scrolled on Twitter while Dan finished straightening his hair and saw the tweet from the previous night.
@danisnotonfire: All I can taste is cherry, all I can smell is cherry, all I can hear is cherry and all I can feel is cherry. Can’t really see much though.
Phil snorted and shook his head, giving it a like before shutting his computer. They were almost late to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema.
---
They talked animatedly about the movie as they made their way back home through the snow. It had been a freaky experience but still super fun. Dan had clung to him the entire time even though Phil was just as scared, but it felt good anyway.
Phil hesitated before opening the door, Dan was giving him such an adoring look that it made him almost want to kiss him right there, in the street, where his prying neighbours could definitely see them. Almost. He shook his head and unlocked the door, letting Dan walk in first and watched him turn around on the spot and give him a look that made Phil’s heart skip a beat.
They threw the wet outer layers to the floor right by the door and sprinted upstairs.
Dan didn’t waste time taking over, undressing Phil and removing his own clothes swiftly. There was electricity in the air, but this felt different somehow.
Dan was in his element, all confidence and poise. “Suck,” he said as he made Phil sit on the edge of the bed and stood before him, and Phil did. He wrapped his lips around Dan’s half hard cock and used his tongue to tease Dan until he’d had enough. Dan pulled his hair lightly and climbed over him without a word. This was a side of Dan that Phil had never seen, he was almost feral yet methodical. He kissed every inch of Phil’s body that he could reach as he prepped him, using perhaps too much lube and pointedly avoiding any contact with his cock, but when Phil finally asked him to get on with it, Dan hesitated.
“Everything alright?” Phil asked.
Dan nodded, blush creeping into his cheeks as he pulled his fingers out. “Yes, I just - I want you to ride me. If that’s ok.”
“Whatever you need, just ask,” Phil said, pressing a kiss to Dan’s lips and letting him settle in the middle of the narrow bed. He made sure that the condom was probably in place and added more lube for good measure before pressing the tip of Dan’s cock to his hole, slowly taking him in, letting out a happy sigh as he bottomed out. He set his hands on Dan’s chest and watched his face intently as he began to rock back and forward first, teasing him a bit, relishing in the smouldering look on Dan’s face. “How’s that?”
“Good,” Dan said, letting out a snort that soon turned into a moan when Phil rose and let himself fall once again.
Phil smirked and repeated the motion a few times until he got used to the feeling and there was barely any resistance. Once he felt ready to really go for it, Phil shifted his weight forward, resting his hands on Dan’s shoulders and began to ride him in earnest. Watching Dan’s face and hearing him moan loudly was almost better than the feeling of having him inside, he could’ve almost come just from the view before him.
The bed was creaking under the pressure, the headboard slamming against the wall and Phil was in heaven. He’d found the perfect angle, stars bursting in his eyes as the sound of flesh against flesh filled the room.
“Ah! Ah! Phil!” Dan whined, holding onto Phil’s hips, trying to slow him down.
Phil slapped his hands away, he knew that scrunched up face Dan was making. “Don’t you dare hold it!”
“But I can last a bit longer, I- fuck! I can, I swear!” Dan said, but Phil felt his cock getting even harder.
“Sex is made to be enjoyed, stop trying to hold it!” Phil said, picking up the pace, his thighs screaming at him and his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he was also coming too close to the edge. “Yes!” He hissed through his orgasm and leaned down to bite Dan’s neck.
Dan set his feet flat on the bed and thrust up into Phil twice’s stretched hole before coming deep inside of him.
“That’s it,” Phil smiled, his mind floating. He pecked Dan’s lips. “Good boy.” He felt Dan twitch inside of him at the praise but didn’t mention it.
Laughing, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and kissed his forehead as he tried to catch his breath. “That was so good,” he said.
“Yeah,” Phil said breathlessly. “We should clean up before we fall asleep.”
Dan hummed and rolled his hips only a little bit, dragging his soft cock into Phil’s sensitive walls.
Phil clenched around him wordlessly and watched Dan flinch. That was enough to make Dan pull out and dispose of the condom.
They awkwardly shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower that turned into round two between laughs and kisses.
After a much needed bedding change, they got into bed and cuddled up together, showing each other memes and funny videos.
Phil decided to check Twitter where he saw yet another picture of Stephen and Charlie together. They didn’t even look happy, but it made his mood sour anyway. Then he got a notification from Dan that put a smile right back on his face.
@danisnotonfire: Uma Thurman just watched me have sex.
The fact that Dan added a picture of the Kill Bill poster that appeared in many of his videos made him a bit proud. Dan was not hiding him, even despite all the fans already shipping them together.
---
December 16th 2010
On a whim, they decided that Dan would stay back for a few more days even after Phil’s parents returned. It was exciting to have Dan finally meet his family after mentioning him so much. It went better than expected: Dan was a charmer, Phil’s mum loved him right away and his dad was friendly as well, although he kept a close eye on them both for some reason. Maybe he could tell, Phil didn’t know if he cared at this point; Dan was important in his life and it was time for some people to know.
What was there to know? Well, things between them had escalated a bit from how Phil usually did casual sex. There were random kisses in non sexual situations, hand holding, and - most importantly - Dan started to “claim him” publicly. It was not just about the tweets with pictures that were very clearly taken in his room in the middle of the night, or the sexual replies to his tweets. Charlie, for whatever reason, was still an annoyance in his life, trying to make it seem like there was something between him and Phil when he was still with Stephen. Maybe they were no longer together since Charlie had punched him - totally not cool - but the issue was that Charlie wanted to get in between he and Dan at all costs, and Dan had made it very clear that Phil was his, telling him to back off and he even replied under one of Phil’s tweets “I think I have a crush on you.”
It was still very confusing for Phil. Dan didn’t acknowledge any of these things in person even when they were sitting together at the time, but he was semi playing a boyfriend role in his life. For once, Phil tried not to let anxiety get the best of him and went along with whatever Dan wanted, except for filming, he had plans of his own in that regard.
It was a very ambitious project to say the least. “The Interactive Christmas Adventure” consisted of a main storyline with Dan and Phil’s mum as characters in a ‘choose your own adventure’ format and many easter egg type of videos that people could find by clicking in different annotations. He and Dan had an amazing time filming and editing most of it, but Phil was left alone to finish the mystery gifts his friends sent him when it finally came the time for Dan to leave.
Of course, once Dan was on his way back home and the video was posted, Phil proudly sat his family down to watch the final result only to have his dad get the mini video called “Dan and Phil sex tape” on the first try. It was just them goofing around, but it was still a very awkward moment.
Thankfully, that didn’t ruin his parents’ impression of Dan. They really liked him and Phil couldn’t be happier about that. The fact that his dad had only laughed about it had blown Dan away. He’d told Phil that he wished he had a dad so cool.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 3: Chandelier
March 2006
Mother’s Day found Phil back home, giggling as he got ready to record his first Video Vlog. This was just another outlet for his creativity, like any of his other film projects. It didn’t need to be anything special, after all, it was not like millions of people would see it. Just a silly little video, that’s all.
He looked around his room, hoping to find inspiration for his YouTube username and saw Richard’s Christmas gift. He opened the scrapbook and smiled just like the first time he saw all the photos, and when he made it to the end, he knew he’d found it. He needed something with an A to show up first in people’s inbox and Richard had called him amazing. Come to think of it, Dan had once called him Amazing as well, Amazing Phil. And so AmazingPhil was created. He had his fun filming and editing, and when the time came, he hit the upload button before he could overthink it.
After playing a few rounds of Mario Kart with Dan, Phil asked him what he thought about the vlog. Of course, Dan said it was funny and brilliant but he was Phil’s friend, what else was he supposed to say? After some more prying, Dan swore on his life that he loved the video and encouraged him to post more, which Phil appreciated. In turn, Phil encouraged Dan to start his own YouTube channel, especially when he saw that he had gotten his first subscriber already! And 5 comments as well, even one all the way from Australia. It was honestly so fun and a great way to meet new people too.
Dan was hesitant at first, but he promised to think about it. Phil knew that deep down, Dan was still a theatre kid and YouTube could be a great outlet for him. Maybe one day they could post something together.
A video reply notification came up and his train of thought vanished now that a newer and shinier dopamine rush caught his eye.
---
June 2008
So many finals had nearly put Phil 6 feet under, it was all a blur of sleepless nights, studying, revising and going out drinking.
His friendship with Callan deteriorated greatly when he got a rude and noisy girlfriend who would stay over more often than not, disturbing their studying schedule and Phil’s filming time. After one too many arguments, Sarah had seen the situation for what it was and followed Phil when he moved into a new flat with nine other people. It was not an ideal situation but it came as a blessing and helped deepen the bond between him and Sarah, especially after cutting contact with Peter when he took Callan’s side and barely speaking with Jimmy who had decided to stay despite being at odds with both Callan and Peter.
Moving during the last month of the term had been stressful to the point where Phil could barely go a day without crying, but he buried his head in his books with Sarah sitting right at his side and gave it his all.
He felt ready to give up on uni and only kept at it because it was his last term at York. Just a little more and he would be free, right?
Wrong.
Graduation didn’t come as a relief to Phil as he had expected. Every stressful situation, dramatic argument with his roommates, disastrous hookup and his ever undefined situation with Mark piled a mountain of anxiety sitting heavy on his chest.
His mistake was thinking that going home for the summer as a free man was going to solve his every problem, but no. As it turns out, having an infinite amount of time to think about the state of his life, his absolute lack of direction, or love life was not a good thing.
The fact that he felt somehow disconnected from all his childhood friends had not helped matters either. Ian’s family had moved away, but at least he had reached out and invited him to Brighton. Anja had called but she was away on vacation with her family. Richard hadn’t returned for the summer, he’d gone south to his girlfriend’s house and the others had barely shown interest in seeing him.
In a way, his home barely felt like a home anymore. His parents were preparing to move away to the Isle of Man, Martyn was touring Sweden with Cornelia and his friend group had basically vanished into thin air.
After only a week of feeling so anxious that he was unable to eat, or speak to anyone, Phil decided to run back to what he knew and enrolled in a master’s degree. It was just one more year but at least it would probably help him get a job related to what he loved: making videos.
---
October 2008
Phil looked down at his phone and smiled as he sent a winky face to Stephen. He threw himself back on the bed, a wide smile gracing his lips. Every time he chatted with Stephen, Phil couldn’t help the giddy feeling deep in his stomach. He was the first person who truly understood exactly how he felt about making YouTube videos because he had a channel of his own where he posted short films, focusing more on the directorial side of things than Phil did, but they still had their passion project in common.
Biting his lip and feeling the blush creeping into his cheeks, Phil invited Stephen to join him and his other YouTube friend, Charlie, in Manchester. He watched the screen intently until another notification popped up.
“Did you ask him yet?” Charlie asked over text.
“Yes! X_x I’m waiting for a reply. What if he says no?”
“O_o’ Nah, it’s obvious he likes you.”
Stephen finally replied. “Sure! Thursday?”
“Charlie has work. Saturday?” Phil offered. It was silly, but Phil felt a bit insecure about meeting Stephen one on one because he was just so cool, so he wanted to bring Charlie to make it more of a friendly hang out than a date. Well, it had been Charlie’s idea after all, so why not?
“Sick! Let’s film something together some other time,” Stephen said.
“Kool,” Phil replied and switched over to the conversation with Charlie. “Saturday!”
“Told you he would say yes!”
“Thanks for coming with us ^_^ u r the best!” Phil replied and threw his phone on the bed, getting up and starting to pick an outfit for the night. If he rushed maybe he could get ready-
He ran back to his bed as soon as he heard the Skype notification and did a quick fringe check while the call connected. He giggled when the first thing he saw was a very dishevelled Dan being vigorously kissed by an old, long haired mutt.
“Aww, he’s so cute!” Phil said.
Dan laughed and tried to get his dog to settle down. “Stop! Phil is going to think that you are weird!”
“I would never!” Phil said, bringing his hand to his chest in mock offence.
Sammy turned towards Dan’s laptop and barked, letting his tongue hang out the side of his mouth.
“Hellooooo Sammy!” Phil said.
Sammy cocked his head and sat on Dan’s lap, making it so Dan had to lean to the side to be able to see the screen. “Hey, how was the exam?”
“Awful, how else would an exam go?” Phil laughed. “How was your Geo presentation?”
“I think I did pretty well. Nobody else picked Burkina Faso.”
“I can believe that,” Phil smirked. “So how is your school year going so far?”
“I wish I was dead, but other than that, pretty well,” Dan smiled.
“I don’t like it when you joke like that,” Phil frowned.
“Who said I was joking?” Dan let out a humourless laugh. “Anyways, my friend group has disintegrated. Lucy and Tom broke up and now hate each other, Emilio is not talking to me, or anyone for that matter, and Jack told me to fuck off today.”
“Oh… what happened?” This was terrible news for Dan, no matter how much he tried to play it off as something he had expected.
“Well, you know how it is,” he said, absentmindedly petting Sammy as he settled down. “I’m painfully unpopular and they don’t want to get beat up for speaking to me. The inbetweeners can never relax with that. Now that we are no longer a group we are easier targets and since I’m usually the problem, everyone is avoiding me like the plague.”
Phil winced, trying to think of anything he could say to lift Dan’s spirits, but what could he possibly say to make up for the fact that Dan had no friends other than him, again. “Dan, are you sure there isn’t anyone you can talk to about this?”
Dan let out an exasperated sigh. “No, we’ve gone over this so many times. It’s fine, Phil; really. It’s just one more year and I’ll never have to see any of them again.”
“But-” Phil tried.
“I don’t want to talk about it, ok?” Dan snapped, running his fingers through his hair.
“I’m sorry,” Phil mumbled. “I know; I shouldn’t have pushed.”
Dan let out a small sigh. “No, it’s fine. I’m sorry. You are my only friend and the only one I can talk to. I shouldn’t snap at you for trying to help, but just telling you these things helps enough. You know?”
“Yeah, I understand.”
Dan slapped his hands on his thighs, startling Sammy and causing him to leave with a reproachful look on his face. “Sorry, buddy,” He said over his shoulder before locking eyes with Phil again. “Let’s talk about something else. How are things? Are you dating anyone?”
“Nah, not anymore. He-” Phil paused for a second realising he messed up but not wanting to make a big deal out of it. “He cheated on me. Robert was his name. Fuck that guy.”
Dan flashed him a smile. “Yeah, fuck that guy. Are you ok though?”
“Yeah,” Phil sighed, feeling encouraged at seeing Dan smile again. “I’ll admit I cried and all my new roommates helped me set everything he gave me on fire, even the plushie.”
“Noooo, poor plushie!” Dan laughed and let himself fall to the side dramatically.
Phil laughed, relaxing a bit more since Dan hadn’t reacted badly. “Sorry, he had to go. Oh, Also, last year I had a crush on a coworker and I thought he wanted to make out in the basement, but he just wanted me to help him steal chocolates for his girlfriend.”
Dan laughed even harder at that, letting himself fall sideways and kicking his feet in the air. “Stop!”
After watching Dan laugh for way too long, Phil decided to deliver the final blow. “I ended up quitting that job because an old lady threw a chocolate orange at my head,” he said in a monotone voice, eagerly waiting for Dan’s reaction.
“AAAaaaah, I’m going to barf,” he said, clutching at his stomach with tears running down his cheeks. “I can’t even.”
Phil smiled and enjoyed watching his friend laugh at his misery. “Hey, Dan?”
Dan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and cleared his throat. “Yeah?”
Phil bit his lip for a moment and decided that it was ok to ask. It was Dan after all. “You don’t care that I’m gay, right?”
“Well your MySpace says bisexual so I assumed you liked guys anyway.” Dan shrugged but offered a tiny smile. “So are you gay gay then?”
“Yeah, never liked a boob in my life,” Phil said.
Dan snorted. “Boobs are nice sometimes.”
“For some people,” Phil conceded. “Not for me though.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Dan nodded. “I don’t mind. You are my best friend - and you’re fucking fit. If anything, it’s a plus.”
Dan was so casual about it, adding a little wink in the end, but his blush let Phil know that he was a bit embarrassed to have said that. Dan was 17 anyway and in a vulnerable position, so Phil didn’t entertain the comment other than to avoid his friend the embarrassment. “I would say I’m severely unfit but thanks,” he laughed.
Someone knocked on Phil’s door. “Yeah?” He asked.
“Hey, are you coming to the party? Mark’s here,” Sarah said without opening the door.
“Oh, yeah. You go, I just need to change and we’ll catch up in a bit.”
Dan’s face fell at that. “Oh, you have to leave already?”
“Not right now,” Phil shook his head. “We can still talk for a bit.”
“So you’re still with Mark,” Dan said. It didn’t sound like a question. “I remember you mentioning him a while back. He was at your birthday party.”
Phil frowned, he had never mentioned being with Mark for obvious reasons. He was also taken aback by Dan’s icy tone. “I’m not with Mark. He’s my friend.”
“Right,” Dan mumbled.
There was another knock on the door, but this time it opened slightly and Mark’s head peaked in. “Are you decent?”
“Haven’t been for a while,” Phil smiled. “I’m skyping with Dan.”
“Oh,” Mark said and invited himself over. He sat on the bed at Phil’s side and pulled his knees up to his chest. “Hi, Dan! Cool hair! When are you joining us?”
“Thanks,” Dan smiled, absentmindedly fixing his fringe.
Phil swatted Mark’s arm. “Leave him be, he’s in school. He will have time to party when he goes to uni.”
“So… next year?” Mark asked.
“I’m taking a gap year… but I could come to visit - if you want,” Dan said, looking a bit guarded but at least not snapping at Mark.
Phil raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Yeah, if you want…” Dan mumbled.
Phil almost slapped himself for making Dan doubt he would be welcome. “Of course! Do you know where you want to go yet?”
Dan shrugged. “Maybe Manchester… or York.”
“York is ace,” Phil said and both Mark and Dan laughed at him.
“Well, it was nice meeting you, Dan. If you ever want to visit, we’ll take you out and about to some parties - unless you want to stay home, which would be fine. No pressure,” Mark said.
Phil smiled but looked into Mark’s eyes giving him a silent warning. “Why don’t you go make us some drinks while I get changed and chat with Dan.”
“Ok, don’t take an hour or I’ll fall asleep on the couch.”
“Old man,” Phil laughed. “Alright,” he said and waited until Mark had walked out to continue, but before he could say anything Dan broke the silence.
“Are you sure you’re not dating?” He pressed, sounding small.
“Yes, Dan,” Phil said, not understanding why Dan was so set on the topic and, quite honestly, starting to get a bit annoyed. “Mark doesn’t do dating. He likes to be free.”
Dan’s eyebrows disappeared under his fringe. “And you’re ok with that?”
“Yeah, of course,” Phil said with a shrug. “He can do whatever he wants. What made you think that we were together like that?”
“The way you speak about him and just now, he looked at you like… I don’t know,” Dan said, frowning. “He likes you.”
Phil shook his head. “Mark likes everyone - and that’s ok.”
“Would you date him if he wanted a relationship?” Dan insisted.
Phil paused, really considering it for a moment. “No, I don’t think I would. I know that he is happy fooling around and I wouldn’t want to ruin his fun. I’m sure I’ll meet someone who wants to actually be in a relationship and hopefully not cheat on me.”
“You deserve that, to be happy,” Dan said.
“Dan, you deserve that too. I know you don’t think you do but I promise that it’s true. Ok?”
Dan ventured a small smile, even if a little unsure. “Ok.” His cell phone pinged and he grabbed it, reading a text, his face falling again.
“Everything ok?” Phil asked.
“Yeah, just my - my girlfriend. I better leave you to it and head out too.”
“Say hi to her from me,” Phil tried but the light in Dan’s eyes was gone.
“Yeah, I will. I’ll text you tomorrow.”
“Do that,” Phil said. “See ya.”
“Yeah, bye,” Dan said and disconnected the call immediately.
Phil was glad that they had been able to catch up after so long but he had the nagging feeling that something else was going on in Dan’s life, something that he was not willing to talk about. Given that Dan didn’t appreciate him asking too many questions, he decided to let his friend tell him on his own terms.
He put on a pair of probably clean black skinny jeans, a black MCR T-shirt and two belts before heading out in search of Mark. The flat was fairly quiet except for Sarah’s room and the singing coming from the kitchen. Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around Mark, hugging him from behind. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Mark looked over his shoulder only long enough to peck Phil’s lips. “Malibu and coke?”
“Sure,” Phil said, stepping back and grabbing the drink Mark was already handing him. “Why did you invite Dan over?”
“I don’t know. He seemed sad. What better for an 18 year old to have friends in uni that can take him to bars?”
“He’s 17 and I don’t think he is ready for bars around here.”
“Of course he is. You just need to keep an eye on him, remind him not to put his drink down and make sure he doesn’t leave with anyone. Or do you think he would rebel against that and leave with someone?”
“No, I don’t think he would, but still. I think he is too young to hang out in the places we do. What if someone offers him drugs or - I don’t know,” Phil said, feeling unsure. “Maybe if we keep an eye on him.”
Mark’s smile dimmed when he realised that Phil was truly worried about Dan. “We can just hang out at mine with people we trust, but he needs more friends.”
“Yeah, he does,” Phil said and took a long sip of Malibu.
Mark nodded and pressed shuffle on his iPod. “Maybe you should introduce him to Charlie and Stephen.”
Phil nodded. “Yeah, maybe next year.” Perhaps introducing Dan to his YouTube friends would be a good idea. Who knows, maybe by then he and Stephen would have moved beyond the occasional drunk kiss. He tried not to let his mind linger on those memories, he reserved those for his alone time.
---
Summer 2009
Being free from uni was the best. Phil could finally go out with his friends and fool around with some cute guys in York. Having graduated both from his BA and his masters, he didn’t have much of an excuse to stay in the city for long and his parents asked him to come home since he didn’t have a job that could fully support him as Martyn did.
That was not the only change in his life. Stephen and him were getting quite close and Phil finally admitted to himself that he was developing feelings for his friend, it was not just a crush.
He didn’t want to get too attached yet so he still went out to bars and slept around as much as he could when he visited Mark in York but he still couldn’t get Stephen out of his head. In a moment of weakness, he confessed his feelings for Stephen to Charlie who was incredibly supportive even if he did tease Phil about it and promised to speak to Stephen, maybe figure out if he felt the same way about Phil.
Mentally, he didn’t feel as isolated as the previous year but he wasn’t doing super well. Ian and Anja had visited but everyone else had basically moved on. Sometimes he just yearned for what no longer was a part of his life and he couldn’t help but take the fact that everyone had just abandoned him personally. His mum had said that it was normal to lose touch with those who no longer share a space with us, that it was a part of life, but Phil simply didn’t agree. He had never intended to basically lose all his childhood friends. Thankfully, there was one person who had stuck at his side through the years, and he didn’t even live nearby. Phil felt like with Dan being an adult, maybe there wasn’t a reason they couldn’t meet anymore. Even their parents knew about their friendship.
On October 16 Dan finally found the confidence to post his very first video, which was amazing and got quite a bit of views, especially after Phil gave him a shout out. It made Phil smile that Dan said he was encouraged to post by “friends,” it was his way of mentioning him without actually naming him. He was so freaking proud of Dan and he made sure to mention it in yet another of their 5 hour long Skype calls.
That day, they talked and laughed until their stomach hurt and tears were streaming down their cheeks. Phil invited Dan over, and even though they had both mentioned the possibility before, this time it actually felt real. After some research, they decided that October 19 would be the perfect date for a meet-up. Dan would be visiting Manchester to check out the uni he wanted to attend and they could go back to Phil’s since his parents were in Florida for their annual retiree trip.
Phil lay down on his bed, listening to Dan’s long rant about a movie he’d seen. The next time Phil opened his eyes, it was already the following morning. He smiled when he realised he had fallen asleep while on the call. His computer was dead but he shot Dan a good morning text and got up to clean his very messy room. He needed to make the entire house look decent for his guest. Sure, his mum had left it in pristine condition but he’d been a bit of a slob when left to his own devices.
He spent the next 2 days putting things in random places because he had overthought everything so much that he didn’t even know what would look normal and what wouldn’t anymore. In the end, he let out a long sigh and reminded himself that Dan had been his friend for years and he knew who Phil was already. The chances of him thinking Phil was too weird by the look of his house were very slim.
He looked at the time and ran out of the house, barely remembering to lock the door before rushing towards the bus stop. In the end, everything worked out and when Phil saw his tall and lanky friend towering over everyone else in Piccadilly, he knew that everything had been worth it.
Dan did a little trot towards him and surprised him by wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a warm hug, tighter than any other hug Phil had ever received, and that made him smile and return the gesture.
“Hey! How was the trip?” Phil asked, reluctantly breaking the hug.
“Nice. There was a weird guy staring at me so I switched seats, but other than that it was good. Well worth the 19 pounds.”
“I’m glad!” Phil said. “Wanna head to the Apple Store?”
“Isn’t that where you took Charlie and Stephen?” Dan asked, referencing the pictures they had posted to Twitter.
“Yeah,” Phil said, frowning. Was that bad for some reason?
“Are you flirting with me?” Dan asked with a wink. “Is that where you take all of your guys?”
Phil let out a shocked laugh, feeling the blush creeping up his cheeks and hoping that Dan wouldn’t think he was a creep. “Shut up. We can go to Starbucks instead if you want.”
“Apple Store first, Starbucks later. I wouldn’t want you to attack me because of your caffeine addiction.”
“Hey! I have it under control!”
“Of course you do, Lester,” Dan smiled, rolling his eyes.
They ran a bit wild all over the city, taking pictures and laughing, getting looks from old people who scoffed at them. The last stop before the bus was the big wheel. Phil stepped into the carriage, guiding Dan in with a wide smile, he was just excited to be able to show Dan all his favourite places and to see things through the eyes of someone who was experiencing them for the first time.
It was a great day, an amazing day even, but it was also a bit confusing and shocking.
Phil had always taken Dan’s flirting as a bluff, he’d figured Dan was all bark and no bite, but when Dan called his name and pressed their lips together softly, gently - even expertly - it caught Phil off guard. The kiss made his skin tingle from the tip of his toes to the last hair on his head in a way that he had never experienced before and he found himself responding, losing himself in the feeling, and then - it was over. Dan flashed him a smile without even saying a word and looked out the carriage.
Bracing himself on the rail, Phil let out a small breath and put his hand to his chest. What it meant - he didn’t know; he would let Dan decide that.
If Dan didn’t want to talk about it then that was that. Phil was willing to let it go.
---
Phil led Dan into his family home and showed him around, giggling at Dan’s commentary about how haunted it looked even though his parents had been the ones to build it. There were no Victorian ghosts attached to the house because it was simply impossible. Dan still rejected this information which made Phil laugh. Then, an idea popped into his head. “We should film a video together for my channel.”
Dan stopped mid hallway and turned around. “Really? You would put me on your channel?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” Phil frowned at the sudden way Dan’s face had fallen, but in a flash, his expression morphed into a bright smile again.
“Alright then, lead the way.”
Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and dragged him into his bedroom, suddenly feeling a bit shy about the bright green carpet and walls his 10 year old self had chosen. “This is my bedroom,” he said, stupidly.
“The famous AmazingPhil bedroom,” Dan said. “Bet you brought many guys up here.”
“Dan, I live with my parents,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“Well, I don’t know, maybe you like to be heard.” Dan had the gall to wiggle his eyebrows at him.
“Ew, no,” Phil said and placed his hands on Dan’s shoulders, making him sit on the bed.
Phil brought his laptop and sat beside Dan, thinking for a moment. Maybe some audience participation could help. He decided to tweet, asking people to send some questions in, and as per usual, his viewers were being weird about it.
Dan took pen and paper and, instead of choosing the safest options, he wrote down the most unhinged topics and challenges in his indecipherable handwriting. They took turns reading the questions out loud and let their creative juices flow freely which worked a million times better than Phil would’ve hoped. Filming together turned out to be super fun, so even though it took a long time, they continued until they ran out of material.
Phil was just saying a few closing words for the video when Dan said “This was the most fun I’ve ever had” and tackled him, nearly pushing him into the wardrobe that stood behind them and effectively knocking the wind out of him, especially when Dan pinned him to the ground with a wide smirk.
Phil felt like he was falling, physically, but he was already on the ground so there was nowhere else to go. Dan hovered over him and for a moment it looked like he was slowly leaning down to kiss Phil again, but when Dan’s phone vibrated in his pocket he sat up and rushed to check his notifications, his face falling as soon as he did.
“Everything ok?” Phil asked.
“Yeah,” Dan mumbled, looking up from his phone. “I’m tired. Can we get to bed?” His voice sounded so flat, almost sad.
“Sure, you can sleep here and I’ll take Martyn’s -”
Dan shook his head. “Can you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone tonight…” He reached for his duffle bag and pulled a hoodie out, shivering a bit before slipping it on.
“I…” Phil hesitated. What was Dan asking for exactly?
“I just need a hug. I don’t want to have nightmares, that’s all.” Dan pulled at his sleeves until they showed only the tip of his fingers.
Phil nodded and cleared his throat. “Of course!”
Ten minutes later they lay in bed, Phil flat on his back with Dan laying on his side, pressed tightly to his frame, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder and one leg thrown over his as well. It didn’t take long for Dan to drift off to sleep, but Phil lay there in the dark, reliving every moment of their day, their meeting, the Apple Store, Starbucks, The Wheel - the kiss. Then his mind went to Dan’s giggles while they filmed the video, the tackle and almost second kiss - and whatever Dan saw on his phone that upset him.
Dan’s phone vibrated on the bedside table and Phil couldn’t resist the urge. He reached for it and just turned on the screen to see the notification. It was a text from “Em.” That was probably his cousin Emily, the one Dan didn’t really like, the rude one with a moustache. They were probably arguing again. He set the phone down and finally let sleep claim him.
The following day, they woke up pretty late and they decided to stay in and do a movie marathon, which was super fun. At first, Dan didn’t seem to be mentally present and, for a moment, Phil was scared that things would be weird between them because of the kiss, or maybe he had done something wrong, but Dan assured him that he was fine, just a bit distracted.
He briefly wondered if the call Dan had received the previous night had anything to do with his sudden mood change. Thankfully it didn’t last long. After the first movie, they got a fuzzy blanket, ordered pizza and cuddled up on the sofa, and Phil was happy to feel Dan relaxing into his arms and chatting loads, as usual.
By the end of the day, they had caught up with all the movie releases they'd missed, finished the pizza and decided to settle down and edit what they had filmed. Phil had taken the time to show Dan some things he’d learned at uni, given him some ‘editing tips’ as Dan had called them, as they laughed and played around with things.
Overall, it had been a fun weekend and Phil knew he would never forget it.
---
October 25th 2009
Phil was excited to finally post his first video with Dan, ‘Phil is not on fire,’ a sort of remix of odd questions and jokes turned into something that he was very proud of. To their surprise, they received 100 views quite fast, a number they hadn’t been able to achieve on their own at that moment so they didn’t know what to think.
People interacted with Phil’s channel a lot more than before but it could be a one time thing, some sort of glitch on the platform. For the time being, he celebrated the success with a six hour Skype call with Dan and some well deserved Mario Kart.
Dan visited again on the 30th for a late birthday celebration since Mark had promised to take him out to the pubs but hadn’t been available before. Phil was a bit hesitant about how Dan and Mark would get along, because of the age difference and how much Dan questioned Phil about him. In a way, Phil assumed Dan felt a bit insecure being around older people, but luckily, they had gotten on immediately. By the end of the night, they were all moderately drunk and back at Mark’s, playing a very controversial game of Monopoly and eating hotdogs until like 6 am.
Overall it was a good night, even if Phil couldn’t really relax because he felt so protective of Dan at the pub, keeping an eye on any guy who approached him and even monitoring his interactions with Mark.
Phil knew that Mark flirted with everyone and was not interested in people of Dan’s age but - he just didn’t want anyone hurting his friend. Dan had had enough with his recent breakup and he didn’t need any more drama.
Maybe Phil was just jealous of Dan. Honestly, it was hard for Phil to know where he stood with Mark sometimes. He wasn’t in love with him but Mark still held a place in his heart, as more than a friend. It was complicated - too complicated. Every time Phil tried to untangle his feelings about their situation he got a headache and gave up.
That was partially why he had started to focus more on his feelings for Stephen. There seemed to be something there, a potential relationship, definitely more than what Mark was willing to give him. Phil smiled thinking that maybe he could ask Stephen to be his boyfriend at the gathering. A soft snore coming from Dan, who was sleeping next to him, pulled him from his thoughts and made him giggle. He pressed a kiss to Dan’s forehead and shut his eyes.
He woke up well into the morning with a pounding headache, and his mood, as well as his plans, only continued to sour. It was the 31st and he and Dan were due to take the train back to London together to make it to the Halloween gathering with a few hours to spare, but things had gotten complicated early in the morning. Stephen and Charlie were supposed to join them around 10 am but they hadn't and when Mark had texted them, they had simply not replied.
Mark told them to just go without Stephen and Charlie and apologised for not coming along, but he had to work. He left Phil the spare set of keys and asked them to send pictures later.
Phil nodded and texted them again, trying to figure out what was going on but Charlie sent a vague text saying they couldn’t make it, which was fine… until Phil opened Twitter and saw a picture of them making out Charlie had shared.
His stomach dropped and, for a moment, he thought he was going to cry over Stephen, over Charlie’s betrayal… but he couldn’t. His feelings were contained deep inside him, behind some sort of invisible wall. At the same time, he felt as if there was this sort of darkness surrounding him, was it sadness? Or maybe he was going to faint again. That was getting frequent.
“Phil?” Dan said, sounding almost underwater. “Phil!”
Phil opened his eyes and realised he was on the floor. “Did I faint?”
“I think so. Are you alright? Do you want to go to A&E?”
“No, it’s fine. It happens sometimes,” he said flatly.
“Are you sure?” Dan asked. “You look way too pale.”
Phil let out a noncommittal hum and sat up against the couch. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”
Dan frowned. “Don’t do that, don’t shut me out. What’s going on?”
“Charlie posted a picture kissing Stephen,” Phil said, looking up at Dan, trying not to cry. “I told Charlie that I like Stephen and he promised to help me with him, but now they are dating. That’s why they cancelled on us.”
“Fuck,” said Dan. “Charlie is a piece of shit. I never liked him anyway, he sounds like a dick.”
Phil wanted to disagree but he knew Dan was right. He was almost sure that Charlie had done it on purpose to hurt him. He was always competing with Phil for one thing or another. Stephen was just today’s prize to him.
“Hey, do you still want to go out?” Dan asked. “We can stay if you want.”
“No, let’s just order pizza and stay in,” Phil admitted. “Please,” he said, his voice shaking a bit as he tried to stay calm.
“Yeah, sure,” Dan nodded. “Do you want me to call Mark?”
Phil shook his head. He didn’t want to see or speak to anyone - just Dan. “Do you want to play Mario Kart?”
“Always. You sit here, I’ll handle the pizza and set everything.”
Phil looked into Dan’s worried eyes and finally attempted a small smile. “Thank you, Dan. You’re a good friend.”
Dan flashed him a smile and went about getting everything sorted. It was crazy that they had met on a random Yahoo chat room nearly 4 years ago and become internet friends and now real friends. Sometimes it was as if Dan was the only person who truly understood him.
Two hours later, feeling a lot better and no longer hangry, he decided that enough was enough. He wasn’t going to let his shit friends ruin their night. It was up to him to keep his promise and introduce Dan to the other youtubers, actually nice ones.
“You know what?” Phil said. “Let’s go to the gathering anyway, we don’t need anyone else. Get the costumes from the closet, I’ll try to find the makeup, we can make it to the next train.”
“Deal!” Dan said.
In the end, Phil was glad to have changed his mind. They had a lot of fun dressed as a cat and a bear, meeting other youtubers, and taking silly pictures that Phil held very dear. That night, like many others, Dan had been the one to make everything right, to make him feel safe and included. In his eyes, there was nothing Dan couldn’t make right.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 12: When the bones are good, the rest don’t matter.
October 2018
With everything going on, his relationship with Dan blossoming, their friendship and their public branding being sort of related again, Phil debated on whether to look into posts he was not tagged in for mentions of the ship, to see what people thought of them now and it took him weeks to finally decide to go through with it.
He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that most viewers on Tumblr talked about the glass closet concept, respectful of them not wanting to discuss their current relationship status but having caught onto the clues that there was something there, just enough context clues to let the queer viewers into the secret and let the homophobic people pretend that they didn’t see anything.
There was a moment, a sinking feeling in his stomach, when he came across another post saying that Dan and Phil had gone back to queer baiting to sell merch and get more views and condemning it, but not many people seemed to agree. It was dated a few months prior, before their coming out videos, but it still hurt Phil’s feelings. Only a blind person could accuse him of queer baiting.
He shook his head and hopped into the shower, he needed to relax. He washed his body thoroughly, briefly considering getting off but he was too stressed about what he’d seen to give it a shot. Phil almost slipped and cracked his skull in the shower when he heard the door to this flat open. He wrapped a towel around his hips and carefully walked out of the bathroom, stopping by the kitchen to grab a cast iron pan.
“Hey!”
Phil jumped and dropped the pan to the floor, narrowly avoiding his foot but cracking a tile in the process. “Dan!”.
“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Dan said. “I used the spare key because you were not answering,” he mumbled as his eyes travelled down Phil’s naked torso hungrily.
“Oh,” Phil said, trying to ignore Dan’s scolding stare. “What happened?”
“I just - wanted to tell you about a thing I was offered…” trailed off, still not looking into Phil’s eyes.
“Well, what is it?” Phil tried, but Dan ran his fingers on Phil’s chest softly, fiddling with the sparse patch of hair.
“You are so wet,” Dan said, clearly not paying attention.
“I was in the shower,” Phil said awkwardly.
Dan finally looked up and pulled him closer by the hips. Then, he pressed their noses together, looking into Phil’s eyes. “God, I love you so much,” he whispered.
Phil’s eyes widened and before he could say anything, Dan was kissing him as he ran the tips of his fingers down Phil’s back adoringly, barely grazing the skin, the touch leaving goosebumps in its wake. Dan’s hands came to rest in the small of his back as he kissed Phil’s neck, he smirked when Phil gasped and held onto his shoulders.
He paused and looked into Phil’s eyes for a moment before asking: “May I?” he said, running his fingers on the edge of the towel.
Phil considered it for a moment, trying to not jump into things because he was horny, but they had been working towards it for a few months now, slowly, really talking things through, paying attention to their feelings and where they were at mentally and emotionally, and - yes, Phil really wanted to. He was ready. “Yes,” he whispered and leaned in for another kiss, burying his fingers in the curls on the back of Dan’s head, playing with them softly. He let out a happy sigh when their hips met. He had missed this, he had missed having Dan like this.
Grabbing Phil’s butt through the towel, Dan took a few steps forward, trying to guide Phil to his bedroom, but snorted at how they stumbled awkwardly and opted for just pulling Phil along by the hand. Phil laughed along; it wouldn’t be them if it wasn’t at least a little bit ungraceful.
Once they had arrived at their destination, Phil sat on the bed and watched Dan unceremoniously remove his shirt and unbuckle his belt, marvelling at all the changes in his body and how good he looked. “Come here,” he said, extending a hand towards Dan and helping him with his zipper and looking up at him, caressing his tummy. “Gorgeous,” he said under his breath.
Dan leaned down for a quick kiss and gently pushed at his chest.
“But-” Phil protested as he discarded the towel, trying to tempt Dan.
“Later,” Dan said. He removed his jeans and lay on top of Phil, resting his weight on his elbows and leaning down to kiss him.
Phil let Dan do as he wished and let his hands wander down Dan’s gorgeous back, grabbing his ass. The sudden movement startled Dan, causing his hips to twitch and finally press their cocks together.
Phil smiled into the kiss when Dan began to grind on him. Their breaths came out in pants as Phil met Dan thrust for thrust, perhaps a bit too eagerly and Dan let out a high-pitched whine. He tried to angle away from the friction but Phil wrapped one leg around him, not ready to let go of the amazing sensation quickly building in his stomach.
Beginning to tremble, Dan gave up on the kiss, unable to keep his focus, and pressed his forehead to Phil’s shoulder, letting out small puffs of air that tickled his neck.
“Phil!” Dan moaned as his thrust became more erratic, his entire body shaking. “Ah, fuck,” he said before coming all over Phil who was still thrusting up against him, still desperately chasing his own orgasm, letting out breathy moans.
“You’re so cute when you whine like that,” Dan mumbled into his ear and bit down on Phil’s neck finally pushing him over the edge.
They lay there panting for a little while before Dan got up and went to get a towel soaked in warm water, sitting at the edge of the bed to clean Phil up, which made him smile.
“Thank you,” Phil said, placing his hand on Dan’s arm.
“You’re welcome,” Dan said, dropping a kiss to his forehead and climbing into bed with him.
Phil wrapped one arm around Dan and pulled him close, sighing happily. He pressed a few kisses on Dan’s cheeks, lips, forehead and nose.
Dan snorted a laugh, blushing and trying to hide his face in the pillow.
“What?” Phil asked with what he knew was a goofy smile.
“Nothing!” Dan said. “I missed this. Us”
“Me too,” Phil admitted. “What did you want to tell me earlier?”
“Nothing, it was all a ploy to barge in and find you naked.”
“Oh, shut up,” Phil laughed. “Be serious now!”
Dan paused, his expression dropping for a moment. “I was offered a book deal. It would be a self-help book,” he said. “And I wanted to know what you thought about that.”
“What else am I going to think? I think it’s amazing! You’ve always wanted to help people through books. Who came to you? Publishing?”
“Young Minds, actually. I had mentioned to them before that it is something that interested me, they handled everything but left the door open for negotiations,” Dan said.
“I love that! Congratulations, you deserve it!” Phil gave Dan a quick kiss. “I’m so proud of you!”
Dan smiled. “Thank you,” he said and Phil could tell that he was holding off, trying to say something else.
“What?”
“Ready for another one?” Dan smirked.
“That was not what you were going to say!” Phil laughed.
“It was!” Dan kissed him, trying to distract him from the conversation, and it worked, of course, Phil had never been able to resist Dan and Dan knew that very well.
Dan’s lips wandered down, dropping kisses on his neck and chest, teasing Phil with random bites on his tummy, his inner thighs and even his hips until he was fully hard. Only then did Dan settle between his legs.
Phil buried his fingers in Dan’s curls, pulling softly as he watched Dan wrap one hand around the base of his cock and ghost his breath over it, licking his lips as if he couldn’t wait to figuratively eat him. It was too much for Phil; he let his head drop back to the pillow.
“Look at me,” Dan demanded and Phil complied, locking eyes with Dan just for a moment, watching him press his tongue flat against the shaft and give him a long lick from root to tip, taking him in and sucking lightly. Phil’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as Dan hollowed his cheeks and began bobbing his head before pulling away and swirling his tongue around the head.
Phil felt his fringe sticking to his sweaty forehead, the heat already rising within him when Dan pressed the tip of his tongue to his slit and sucked harder before really getting into a nice rhythm, taking him a bit deeper each time and moaning so loudly, the vibrations sending tiny shocks of pleasure to Phil’s cock as he got into his throat.
High-pitched whines were falling from Phil’s lips ever so often, his legs starting to shake as he got closer and closer to the edge. He wasn’t usually this fast, fuck, but Dan had learned a trick or two in the time they’d been apart. That thought pulled him away from the edge. Who the fuck did Dan learn this from? He frowned.
Dan pulled back and gave him an unimpressed look. “What?” he panted. “You’re distracted, I can tell.”
“Nothing!” Phil rushed to say, trying not to completely ruin things.
“Don’t lie!” Dan huffed, squeezing his cock slightly, making Phil groan in discomfort.
“You’ve gotten good at this,” Phil said and it was only half a compliment, and Dan knew it, raising one eyebrow to call Phil out on his bullshit. “Since we’ve done it,” he finally finished the sentence.
Dan huffed, crawling up to speak to him properly, and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I did. And now I’m going to use everything I know on you. Only you,” he said. “You have nothing to be jealous of.”
Phil gasped when Dan wrapped one hand around his cock, his lips already attached to Phil’s neck as he pumped torturously slowly, twisting his hand on the upstroke and thumbing the head.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” Dan said, biting his neck softly.
“I don’t want to think about anyone touching you,” Phil said.
“Then don’t. That was after I left. It was nobody important,” Dan mumbled, his hand still moving. “And I thought of you with each and every one of them.”
“You are mine,” Phil snarled, pulling Dan’s hair a bit too harshly to give himself space to bite his neck. He pushed Dan onto the mattress, crawling on top of him and pinning his arms down.
“Yes!” Dan moaned, his body responding to Phil’s change in demeanour.
Phil paused, a bit bewildered about Dan’s reaction. “What?”
“Fuck me,” Dan mumbled.
Phil’s eyes widened, his resolution faltering. “What?”
Dan looked into his eyes and spoke up. “Please, fuck me.”
“Are you sure?”
Dan nodded, but when Phil didn’t move, he continued. “Phil, for fuck’s sake, I've been fingering myself in the shower thinking about you for years,” he said. “It's been years!”
Phil bit his lip as a memory crossed his mind. The first time they were together, Dan had asked Phil to ride him, it was only fair that he got to watch this time. “Alright,” he smirked. “Ride me.”
Dan didn’t need to be told twice. He nodded and straddled Phil, reaching for the bedside drawer, finding the lube and a condom in no time. Phil watched with rapt attention as Dan rubbed the lube between his fingers, his hand disappearing behind his back as he leaned down to kiss him and started stretching himself.
Even though Phil had no way of seeing exactly what Dan was doing, he could feel every sigh into the kiss, the tremble of his legs, and the incredibly happy smile that graced his lips. He took this opportunity to get reacquainted with Dan’s body, gently gracing the tips of his fingers on his nipples, shoulders, and down his back, feeling the goosebumps the sensation brought Dan until he reached Dan’s lower back. Curiosity got the best of him as he traced Dan’s fingers down to his hole. “Do you need help?” he mumbled against Dan’s lips hoping he would say yes.
Dan broke the kiss and he shook his head. “Just kiss me, I can do it,” he said, shutting his eyes with a focused frown.
Phil smirked and pulled Dan down for a deep kiss, letting out a happy sigh as his hands travelled south once again, settling on Dan’s ass and helping him move, causing him to grind gently on Phil as he fingered himself.
Turning his head towards Dan’s side, Phil managed to kiss his neck and suck lightly before the other pulled away.
“Don’t do that or this will be over before it starts,” Dan hissed, sitting up. He gave Phil a stern look and passed the condom and lube to him.
“Sorry,” Phil said with a smirk, not feeling sorry for a second. He tore the packet, uncapped the lube and did his usual method, making sure that the condom was rolled correctly and well lubed inside and out.
Dan pulled his fingers out and wiped his hands on his discarded T-shirt before settling them on Phil’s chest.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” Phil asked, not wanting Dan to hurt himself.
“Yeah,” Dan said, reaching back to grab Phil’s cock. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and looked into Phil’s eyes as he sank down slowly, his brows burrowed into a frown.
There was a little resistance but Phil let Dan handle it on his own time.
“Fuck!” Dan moaned.
Phil was in heaven, his hands on Dan’s hips, helping him settle down slowly, feeling him pulse around him. “So beautiful,” Phil whispered.
“You,” Dan replied. He rolled his hips and it was Phil’s time to moan. Despite the stretching, Dan was so tight. “Always wanted to do this with you.”
“Yeah?” Phil asked breathlessly.
“Mhmm. I knew you would feel amazing,” Dan said. He started rocking, slowly at first but gradually getting into it. Throwing his head back, he rolled his hips again and again, pulling out and sinking back harder down with each roll.
Dan had such a beautiful neck, Phil wanted to bite it again, but he settled for watching the gorgeous expanse of skin just out of his reach, Adam’s apple bobbing as Dan swallowed and the muscles flexing as he moaned. Phil dug his nails into Dan’s hips and helped him sink down harder as they picked up the pace.
“Ah! Ah! Ah!” Dan whined, louder and louder and Phil was starting to get distracted thinking of the neighbours.
Then he did it. He spanked Dan’s ass, throwing him off his rhythm but watching his cock twitch at the pain. That kinky bastard. “Be quiet,” Phil snickered.
“Make me,” Dan pouted, slowing down to a stop.
“Really?” Phil asked.
The blush creeping up Dan’s chest and neck confirmed it, even before he nodded.
Phil tapped Dan’s side. “Up. I’ll take care of you,” he said and Dan looked way too happy about it. “On your knees and elbows.”
Dan bit his lip and gave him a sly smile before obliging. Just as he was settling comfortably on his elbows, Phil grabbed his ass, spreading him open and slowly pushed inside as deep as he could. Dan let out a low moan and arched his back, trying to push back against him. Phil paused, holding him still, giving Dan a moment to adjust to the feeling again before pulling one of his hands behind his back and then the other, leaving him trembling on his knees until he settled forward on his shoulders.
“I can’t really move like this,” Dan said.
“That’s the idea,” Phil replied and grasped both of Dan’s wrists with one hand, placing a pillow in front of his face. “If you want to scream, do it into the pillow. I trust you to turn your head to the side if you can’t breathe.”
“What if I want to choke?” Dan snorted and tried to move his hips but Phil spanked him with his free hand. “Ngh!”
“Do you want me to fuck you hard or gently?” Phil asked.
“Hard,” Dan groaned.
“Good. Then keep your hands behind your back like this,” Phil commanded. “Got it?”
“Yeah!” Dan moaned.
Satisfied with that reply, Phil let go of Dan’s hands and placed his own on Dan’s gorgeous hips again. He pulled out just a bit before thrusting back in, experimenting with different angles until he found what he was looking for. Smirking, Phil thrust harder and harder, barely able to hear Dan screaming his moans into the pillow above the sound of his blood rushing to his ears and the slap of flesh against flesh.
Dan put his hands down and pushed himself back against his thrusts. “Harder,” he begged as he began to tremble. “Please! please! I’ll be quiet,” he babbled.
Phil obliged, pulling out and slamming back into Dan as hard as he could, effectively pushing Dan into the mattress shoulders first again. “Touch yourself,” he said and continued to slam into him at a punishing pace.
Dan shut his eyes and turned his head to the side. He bit his lip hard, stifling his moans as his hand flew over his cock until he came with a silent scream.
Phil slammed into Dan one more time as deep as he could and came into the condom, shivering as he felt Dan’s overstimulated body twitch. He pulled out and discarded the condom but when he saw Dan’s beautiful body covered in a thin layer of sweat, his hair stuck to his face, and the bruises already forming on his hips, Phil couldn’t help himself and pushed one finger inside of him, pressing it gently against his prostate. He leaned over Dan’s body and whispered: “Can I eat you out, Baby?”
“Fuck,” Dan laughed looking at him over his shoulder. “Right now?”
Phil raised one eyebrow at him.
“Yeah,” Dan whispered. “Ok.”
Phil grabbed Dan’s ass and pried his cheeks open, exposing his hole and pressed the tip of his tongue against it, giving him teasing licks for a few minutes until he sneaked his hand around and confirmed his suspicions, Dan was getting hard again.
“Bastard,” Dan said. “I’m too sensitive.” He pressed his face into the pillow.
“Do you want me to stop?” Phil teased.
Dan looked over his shoulder. “Shut up and eat me out,” he groaned.
“Bossy.” Phil laughed and shoved his tongue inside of Dan without further preamble. He alternated between thrusting his tongue inside and soft licks and kisses until Dan was ready to murder him. Only then did Phil properly fucked him with his tongue until his jaw was sore and even past that point, when Dan’s balls drew up and his hole clenched hard around Phil as he came for what felt like forever.
Dan lay down at his side, trembling with the aftershocks of his orgasm and turned his head to look at Phil, his brows burrowing into a frown. Phil could see Dan’s expression slowly begin to change into one of worry, or even panic, as time went on.
“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, bracing himself as his anxiety began to rise with every second Dan stayed silent. “Please, don’t leave. Let’s talk about it.”
“I’m not leaving,” Dan mumbled, his eyes wide.
“Do you regret it?” Phil asked, his voice small, already cursing himself for pushing Dan’s boundaries.
“No!” Dan said and rolled onto his side to face Phil, lacing their fingers together. “No, I swear. I just -”
“What?” Phil squeaked.
“I meant to say it on a romantic date, not like that,” Dan pouted.
Phil’s brain was beginning to come back online and then it hit him, what Dan had said earlier. He actually meant what Phil had hoped he did. “You love me?”
“You’ve always known that. What I meant to say was… I am in love with you,” Dan said and held his gaze, waiting for an answer.
Phil smiled widely, letting out a sigh of relief. “Me too. I mean, I love you so much.” He rolled onto his side to face Dan and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, dropping a few more around his face for good measure.
Dan giggled as Phil kissed him all over but still asked: “But are you in love with me? That’s different.”
Phil rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, I am in love with you, dork.”
“Then you are my boyfriend now,” Dan said with a cheeky smile.
“Is that even a question?” Phil asked, amused.
Dan shook his head, a smile still on his lips. “No, Lester. You are mine now. No turning back.”
“Good.” Phil nodded. “Stay.”
“There’s nowhere else I would rather be,” Dan said, pressing a kiss to the back of Phil’s hand.
“Aww, that’s cheesy,” Phil teased.
“It’s supposed to be cheesy,” Dan laughed.
Phil tickled him until Dan was cry-laughing and begging him to stop. “God, I love you, I love you so much, you can’t imagine,” he said and pressed their lips together into a soft kiss, sighing happily. It was just a relief to be able to say it out loud; Phil hadn’t realised how much he’d needed to say it, to let Dan know. “I love you,” he said again and he felt butterflies in his stomach at the fond smile Dan gave him, his eyes full of love and almost adoration.
“I love you too,” Dan whispered.
In fact, Dan’s voice whispering sweet nothings into his ear was what lulled Phil to sleep peacefully.
When Phil opened his eyes again, he felt inundated with a sense of happiness like he had never felt before, not in the early morning at least and not just for waking up, for being alive.
His vision focused and he smiled as he saw Dan snoring softly at his side, the sunlight coming through the window making his skin glow, enhancing the little freckles on his shoulders and the warm brown in his hair. He grabbed his phone and snapped a picture of Dan before cuddling up to him and resting his face on his shoulder.
Dan stirred, his brows furrowed until he saw Phil and flashed him a smile. “Hi, love,” Dan said in his low and raspy morning voice.
Phil almost squealed at the pet name, but he controlled himself. “Hi,” he whispered. “Breakfast?”
“Mmm, yeah,” Dan said. “Later.” His head disappeared under the sheets as he made his way down Phil’s body laying kisses on his wake.
Phil’s shocked laugh soon turned into a string of moans and, for some reason, they didn’t make it to breakfast until much much later.
Dan was good on his promise. He stayed that day, and the next, and the one after that, until he had to return to work, and even then he came back in his spare time. Just like back in the day, there was barely a time when Dan wasn’t at Phil’s flat. He had, once again, “dumped all his shit” at Phil’s and made it his second home, and in December, when Dan’s lease was due, the decision was obvious: he officially moved in with Phil.