Our Way, A Way
Welcome to week five of our series Future Family where we have been dealing with issues surrounding families. Today’s post is going to be a little bit different because I want to address some questions surrounding parenting and provide some insights about our comprehensive curriculum that we recently purchased as a result of our FOR Campaign. When it come to the topic of parenting I will admit that I am still learning so as we explore this topic we will pull from several sources that are more experienced than I am.
As we explore this topic today we must first understand that the approach to this topic will look different for everyone. Perhaps you are from a traditional family, blended family, single parent family, or maybe you don’t have children but regardless of your situation there will be things said for all of us that will help us because we should all desire to impact the next generation because someone once did that for us. For those who have children one insight that could be very beneficial might be to establish rules or family commandments. These could include things like “Thou shall not lie” and “Honor your mother.” When we establish guidelines like these it becomes the standard or a reflection of the ideal that we discussed the first couple of weeks of this series. In regards to the topic of lying, its important because if you lie you break the relationship. In families, if you honor others, you become a hero. In the church if you help parents/families win you become a hero. We have to model this for other people not simply talk about it to them. As a church this applies because one of the first things that children observe, is how the church treats their parents. If the church empowers their parents and helps them feel supported, the children are happy. But if the church devalues their parents, the children are likely to disengage and may never come back to the church.
Maybe you want to take this a step further and establish family objectives that are based in how your children behave. These could include things like: Have enjoyable adult relationships with your children. In other words, once our children are grown we want them to want to be with us. The goal here is not to be obedient or even good but to want to be with us. Another example would be children who feel accountable to God and who seek His will for their lives. We want our children to know that God has a plan for them and we don’t want them to miss it. We need to help our children understand the voice of God, be discerning about it, and move towards it. Finally, Don’t bail, let ‘em fail. This means that we don’t protect every skinned knee or hurt feelings but allow our children to learn life-lessons. When our children are young, they can learn life-lessons about friendship and authority, when the stakes are really low. When these situations arise, you can support them entirely and march down to the school to confront the individual that hurt your child or you can ask them how they think they should respond to the situation.
Shifting gears a little bit, I want to turn our attention to the two biggest factors that shape our soul, which are rejection and acceptance. We are who we are today because of these two items and the dosage of them we have received. These two items are shaped at home by the words we use and the schedule that we choose. Perhaps there are words we used that even though they were true, conveyed a sense of rejection to our children. We probably can recall the words of our parents that fall into this category and the reality is that our children will remember this category of our words as well. To counteract this we must, decide what they need to hear and say it ten more times than you think they need to hear it. Next we need to look at our schedules and how we schedule our time. We need to examine how we spend our time and what we make a priority. Our days may feel long, but our years are so short and we need to be aware of this. We have to learn a key word in the English language that many of us are not good at saying, which is “no!”
Now let’s concentrate on the topic of discipline. There may come a time when your children do not like you or that you may be afraid of them. As you think about this topic you need to understand that later is longer. We want our children to like us later in their lives and later is longer than right now. This topic is challenging because maybe you are saying the right things and doing the right things but it seem like your child is just pushing themselves away from you. Whatever the case, I invite you to think about parenting in the following stages: The Discipline Years (Ages 1-5); The Training Years (Ages 5-12); The Coaching Years (Ages 12-18); and The Friendship Years (Ages 18+). It is important to move through these stages in order and not try to skip around to what is convenient.
As you think about the concept of discipline there are three main areas you can focus upon, disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespectful, otherwise you will wear yourself out. There is a Biblical context about discipline that I just want to point out quickly. We know that God is our Heavenly Father and He disciplines those He loves. As Christians we need to remember that God has sided with us against sin. When we sin, God is grieved because of the consequences we face and the scars we bear. However, due to the cross, we know that God has sided with us against sin. Discipline is all about reestablishing broken relationships.
One final area that I want to explore is the concept of Faith and Family. To understand this topic more fully we need to help our children understand the intersection between their faith and their decisions. As a church we are choosing to emphasize the concepts of faith and family through the utilization of the Orange Curriculum. This curriculum combines the light of the church (yellow) and the heart of the family (red) because two combined influences make a greater impact than just two influences. The two influences must work together because there are 8,760 hours in a year of which the average parent has 3,000 hours of influence and the church has 40 hours in a given year of influence.
To understand how we will accomplish this we need to integrate five central practices. First, we must Integrate the Strategy by aligning leaders and parents to lead with the same end in mind. A strategy is a plan of action with an end in mind. That means you have identified what you want something or someone to be, you use your creativity and intellect to devise a way to get there. Second, we must Refine the Message by crafting core truths into engaging, relevant, and memorable experiences. It’s not what you say, its how you say what you say. Say less more often so everyone will know what really matters. Third, we must Reactivate the Family, by enlisting parents to act as partners in the spiritual formation of their own children. Parents are looking for three simple things from the church: Give me a plan because they want a system of support, consistent influence, and a steady flow of relevant information. Second show me how it works because parents need influence just as much as children do, and they desire to be engaged in the process in a way that prompts them to take the next step. Third, Tell me what to do today. If we are going to to truly partner with parents we have to give them specific instructions or resources to use this week. Here is why this is so important: What happens at home is more important than what happens at church. Family shapes us, connects us, and influences our story. Who shaped your story? Fourth, we must Elevate Community by connecting everyone to a caring leader and a consistent group of peers. Everyone needs to be believed in by someone, and everyone needs to belong somewhere. Fifth, we must Leverage Influence by providing consistent opportunities that are created for others to experience ministry. The heart will gravitate toward whatever offers adventure and significance.
Orange thinking is just a different way of looking at everything you do. Orange thinking is not either/or but both/and. If you are thinking both/and, yo are synchronizing the efforts of the church and family around a master plan.
In regards to strategy, your key leaders are becoming both specialists and generalists who will break down silo thinking.
In regards to the message you are valuing truths that are core and evolving your style to connect with culture.
In regards to family, you are cultivating spiritual and moral leadership in parents who are inside and outside of your church.
In regards to community, you are tapping into the influence of the parent and recruiting other adults to build influence with kids and teenagers.
In regards to influence you are mobilizing volunteers to BE the church and they are mobilizing those they are influencing to the BE the church as well.